I was on Twitter for the Mayan rapture of 2012 and lemme tell you: I’ve spent every single day wishing it was true ever since

*mutes the word rapture because I’m not getting my hopes up again*

"The floor is lava" was made up by big furniture.

Yelling "Hey wait for me!" In public. To no one. Just to feel included.

I hope I'm depressed and not just terribly lazy.

That’s pretty fucked up and I liked it. Don’t judge me.

my Sunday Skircle is just you and your 48 alts.

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

i hope this email doesn’t find you cause it’s for your dad

Kids these days will never know the chokehold that sunflowers had on us in the 90s

Not me. I hope the email didn’t find you at all. In fact, I hope you’re living your best life.

Ok I’m ready. I’m ready for the sex girls. The fine fine super special real sex girls.

You drive me to drink (complimentary)

The mom I become when my kids tell me late Sunday night that they need supplies for a project due the next day

Not to be dramatic but if I don’t get a little kiss on the forehead soon I might eat drywall

i just want someone to groan old with

Salteens for angsty soup

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

I’m employed. Could somebody please explain the latest Bluesky drama?

Wake up. I wanna talk the powerful social commentary that is “Gremlins 2” with you again.

sorry that i am my usual chipper self (the one that feels like it's been run through the wood chipper)

*rolls over in bed onto a Wendy’s bag containing a half eaten Baconator This must be what supermodels feel like when they wake up.

you know you're old when the only function of a selfie stick is to help you read your texts

Spent the day posting "do better" under photos of people's kids on Facebook

your selfie is hot but like maybe clean your house

laura ingalls but wilder

this walmart shopping cart needs new struts and an alignment

Kenny Logins implies Kenny Logouts send skeet

I farted in an audio message for you Please respond

The only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is the socks.

Gotta be real careful when making cannibalism jokes lest the audience accuse you of bad taste

who up dropping they kids off at the pool

Drunk me is like sober me but with a snort-cackle laugh instead of something cute

when a group of shitposters hang out irl it’s a pooarty

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

I like you so much that I bought a stick of your deodorant to wear so I can smell you when I sweat

Not smitten, not twitterpated, but a secret third thing

I've got your smile playing on repeat in my mind, and I've got an eidetic memory

people who reply “lol” but don’t like, repost, or follow, tha fuck are you even doin?

just found out winnie cooper is moving across town and switching schools but ima be ok

*lets the grudge girl finish making her creepy sound before i ask if she’s mad at me*

Men are from Mars..Women are from it's none of your fucking business.

it’s always sashimi and never sashiWE☹️

Personal growth, but make it microwave‑ready

quote post with something funny about you I have a framed letter from Joe Exotic on my dresser that makes me smile every time I see it

sliding into 80s music DMs…

I once got hammered and puked in somebody’s pool (underwater, mind you, which was no easy feat) and blamed it on the girl who was even drunker than I was I also got many invites back

A beautiful woman keeps calling and saying, “This is an attempt to collect a debt.” I hear you. A debt of love

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

'You're a nice guy, but you mistake kindness for romantic interest' she flirted.