don’t let those scary piles fool you though, they are 3/4 frozen lime scooters and dog doo

"how many nights can a girl spend in your dog crate before you need to have a define the relationship conversation?" and other questions my therapist was probably not expecting this morning

passing the joint to my pussy

when life gives you demons, make demonade

whiled away with the wisteria

⭐Pass it along, let's see your pfp in it's full-sized glory⭐

It shouldn't be a heart it should be a tongue. And it shouldn't be a like, it should be a lick.

No more napalm in the morning... Robert Duvall. 95. RIP

My grandparents came to this country the right way. They waited until Ann Coulter wasn't alive yet to immigrate.

Got so many snacks packed - I crinkle Ready bet i can jet - Just gotta tinkle

Come down to the Resistance Tavern and indulge yourself with one of our signs Guillotinis and an order of Working Class Wings Or Anti-Bias Artichoke Dip

Another weekend passes where the rhythm did not get me

Scurvy: for when life doesn’t give you lemons.

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

*pulls a battered Subway Club Card from behind your ear* " Is this your card ?"

Stephen Miller on TV again

gravity was discovered when somebody tripped and blamed the universe

Just because someone is eating lunch alone doesn't mean they are lonely, necessarily. They could be enjoying the shrieking solitude and it's echoes w/ the promises of a bleak blackness ahead for all of us with their salmon panini. Like, dining alone isn't shameful. Giraffes do it too sometimes.

Out of all of the songs in the world, " Refugee " by Tom Petty is one of them.

Changed the WiFi name to "your butthole" so now every time someone connects to it, it says, "Now connected to your butthole" The grandkids are howling.

Lloyd Dobler is rolling in his grave

On this President's Day the President should sign an executive order doing something finally about the fact that Fiona is a fink. Jus' sayin'

I don't have today off b/c of the holiday. I have today off from work b/c I always have Mondays off. Always did. I can always rely on being off on Monday. Unlike being able to rely on Fiona. But I'm not bitter. B/c it's my day off* *And I don't want to ruin it the way that Fiona ruins everything

Premier Protein, Ethiopian coffee, Warheads strain, cold water, Billy Joel b-sides and Thou. The sweet spot of peak.

Who up Supremes-ing their The ?

I quote James Baldwin in this piece: “American history is longer, larger, more various, more beautiful, and more terrible than anything anyone has ever said about it.” I believe this is profoundly true. It should be the paradigm that guides our political imagination and choices.

* beams *

Hard on me. I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion.

He is back on his birth certificate trip again. Always with the birth certificates, this guy * gestures at our aged President who began his campaign by heckling Obama about his birth certificate and now insists you drag yours to the polls *

If he REALLY loved you he would offer to change HIS last name but you do you, ok ?

If I help save your voting rights, will you go out with me ?

They’ve overturned Roe. They’ve criminalized pregnancy in some states. Arrested women for miscarrying. They’re making it harder for women to vote. They shout “repeal the 19th!” The punishment for abortion is greater than the punishment for rape. It’s a war on women.

strain of weed called pussy money

youtu.be/niEYaeYa72U?... If ever a song was written for a certain day.....

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

Roses are red Violets are purple, godammit

hokey pokey sounds like hanky panky but for old people

I'm only funny when I'm nervous and I'm only a good writer solely when I feel worthless. These are the upsides to the downside.

Maybe it's due to yesterday's romantic holiday but I've been out and about in my town for the last hour and have yet to see a single woman. Traffic is bustling. Commerce is happening. People coming and going. All dudes. Pickup trucks as far as the eye can see. Cargo pant panorama.

It's a great morning for mutterers.

The opposite of serendipitous is godfuckingdamnitous

ROSES ARE RED VIOLENCE IS RED EVERYTHING IS RED AND OH MY GOD IS THAT VISCERA?

Ultimately, my personal decision (in collaboration with the incomparable @clownfeet53.bsky.social ), was to go with "festering Nazi cunt." Different strokes.

just recorded a blue oyster cult song and its 2:55!!! YES just under three minutes lets gooo

Viva la Vulvintimes Dia

I would love you even if you called them pumkins.

the most disappointing thing about the Winter Olympics is no yetis