Creep.

Tyreek Hill reunion with McDaniel in Los Angeles??? *Crossed fingers*

Something about the way the light goes out in your eyes when the drive-thru closes

America has become a second-rate Curling power and it really shows

You got me listening to Glass Tiger like on repeat and shit

If I could, I would but I can't so I won't

another President’s Day come and gone and no one got me a president

What would you do for a daikon bar ?

When someone (recently a talking head on NPR) recommends that we cancel streaming subscriptions to fight the rich, I argue that some subscriptions still support real journalism, free speech, and seem beyond Cheeto Jesus' reach. The idea is to subscribe wisely. Spend your money intentionally.

If you see this, post a rabbit

don’t let those scary piles fool you though, they are 3/4 frozen lime scooters and dog doo

"how many nights can a girl spend in your dog crate before you need to have a define the relationship conversation?" and other questions my therapist was probably not expecting this morning

passing the joint to my pussy

when life gives you demons, make demonade

whiled away with the wisteria

⭐Pass it along, let's see your pfp in it's full-sized glory⭐

It shouldn't be a heart it should be a tongue. And it shouldn't be a like, it should be a lick.

No more napalm in the morning... Robert Duvall. 95. RIP

My grandparents came to this country the right way. They waited until Ann Coulter wasn't alive yet to immigrate.

Got so many snacks packed - I crinkle Ready bet i can jet - Just gotta tinkle

Come down to the Resistance Tavern and indulge yourself with one of our signs Guillotinis and an order of Working Class Wings Or Anti-Bias Artichoke Dip

Another weekend passes where the rhythm did not get me

Scurvy: for when life doesn’t give you lemons.

🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

*pulls a battered Subway Club Card from behind your ear* " Is this your card ?"

Stephen Miller on TV again

gravity was discovered when somebody tripped and blamed the universe

Just because someone is eating lunch alone doesn't mean they are lonely, necessarily. They could be enjoying the shrieking solitude and it's echoes w/ the promises of a bleak blackness ahead for all of us with their salmon panini. Like, dining alone isn't shameful. Giraffes do it too sometimes.

Out of all of the songs in the world, " Refugee " by Tom Petty is one of them.

Changed the WiFi name to "your butthole" so now every time someone connects to it, it says, "Now connected to your butthole" The grandkids are howling.

Lloyd Dobler is rolling in his grave

On this President's Day the President should sign an executive order doing something finally about the fact that Fiona is a fink. Jus' sayin'

I don't have today off b/c of the holiday. I have today off from work b/c I always have Mondays off. Always did. I can always rely on being off on Monday. Unlike being able to rely on Fiona. But I'm not bitter. B/c it's my day off* *And I don't want to ruin it the way that Fiona ruins everything

Premier Protein, Ethiopian coffee, Warheads strain, cold water, Billy Joel b-sides and Thou. The sweet spot of peak.

Who up Supremes-ing their The ?

I quote James Baldwin in this piece: “American history is longer, larger, more various, more beautiful, and more terrible than anything anyone has ever said about it.” I believe this is profoundly true. It should be the paradigm that guides our political imagination and choices.

* beams *

Hard on me. I cunt hear you. I have an ear infucktion.

He is back on his birth certificate trip again. Always with the birth certificates, this guy * gestures at our aged President who began his campaign by heckling Obama about his birth certificate and now insists you drag yours to the polls *

If he REALLY loved you he would offer to change HIS last name but you do you, ok ?

If I help save your voting rights, will you go out with me ?

They’ve overturned Roe. They’ve criminalized pregnancy in some states. Arrested women for miscarrying. They’re making it harder for women to vote. They shout “repeal the 19th!” The punishment for abortion is greater than the punishment for rape. It’s a war on women.

strain of weed called pussy money

youtu.be/niEYaeYa72U?... If ever a song was written for a certain day.....

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

Roses are red Violets are purple, godammit

hokey pokey sounds like hanky panky but for old people

I'm only funny when I'm nervous and I'm only a good writer solely when I feel worthless. These are the upsides to the downside.