Ballroom blitzmaxxing.

me: (capable of producing a light fog at best) you don’t want this smoke, homes

Someone added me to a list called 'humor' and then immediately blocked me

My date said this under her breath when we saw Field of Dreams and I knew we were done

look, we shouldn't have to boil the oceans because you cooked your brain to the point that you can't compose a 1.5 sentence email

Nature is beautiful I say while watching the squirrels gather round as I shake the crumbs out of my bra

He's Just Not That Inside of You

razzmatazz and razzamatazz both exist and frankly i'm fine with that as the world could do with as much razzle dazzle as possible

I rolled a joint then put the kids to bed. I came back out and wondered where my joint went so I rolled another and put it in my pocket and found the other joint. There's no point to this story.

"pop lock & drop it" I think as my knee pops, locks up, and I unexpectedly fall to the floor in my living room

Rachael Ray's been quiet...too quiet.

having good hair and cats is kinda my thing

I used all the vegetables I bought! (to weigh down the bottom of a garbage bag)

"It's not a choice I tried to make It's not a thought I couldn't take Something told me it was time To give you yours and leave me mine My vision started to be clear I watched the sunlight coming near I knew the day, I knew the night I knew I could regain my sight" music.youtube.com/watch?v=q4Tr...

eye doctor: I recommend progressive lenses 45 yo white person: can I just have moderate lenses instead?

Lost AND found? In this economy?

doing hot girl shit* eating mcnuggets in my car parked under a shady tree*

I’m not dead because I’m not curious enough.

Label your nips

lawyer: your honor... canadian judge: what? lawyer: i said 'your honor' judge: i don't understand lawyer: ... lawyer: your honour? judge: proceed, counselor

Freedom of religion is important, but more important is freedom from religion.

there are no cats in germany because they have nein lives wait don’t hang up

*Remember when you were skinny and your parents were stll alive? *Facebook

i miss the murder hornets

Dating advice: If you get to his apartment and he can’t get his key in the keyhole on the first try, you may be in for a frustrating night.

All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here, collecting beetle larvae, on the body farm

the porn parody is called Project Rail Mary

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named Lol.

I think I'm doing good and then I try to get up off the floor.

all underwear is edible underwear if you boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew

Just remember, no one can prove you weren’t an employee of the month at RadioShack

Sorry my skeets have been so dirty lately; I was breastfed way too long

Sometimes I think something is genius so I post it then you guys tell me otherwise.

sorry for all the things i said when Google maps was busy refreshing

I hope my poorly constructed inner fantasy life has a rich and fulfilling inner fantasy life.

making a little scuba suit for my hamster so he can make friends with the fish

Things were going poorly, but I was confident I could make it worse.

cut my life into pieces, thank you. that shit sucked

your baby ate my dingo

If the Eurovision Song Contest has taught me anything it’s that the UK is to Europe what the USA is to the rest of the world.

If it is good enough to line my uterus, it is good enough to line your shelves, Kevin.

*looks around to see what I can count instead of sheep to help me sleep tonight* Poisonous snakes

our moustaches are ridiculous we must press them together if our lips touch then thats just gods plan

Just spilled half an IPA on the tomato seedlings and now they’re talking shit about the butternuts

From now to apparently.

Why do you come into my life when you know I can't control myself around you? 💔

I remember hearing songs too young and thinking “they’re busting nuts? That sounds dangerous. I should protect my nuts.”

Congratulations on being famous on the internet. You know who else is also famous on the internet? millions of cats.

🎶Cut my jeans into pieces These are my fancy jorts🎶