Let's pop, no talking. Sit with me. I have bubble wrap.

I’d have more hobbies, but I don’t wanna subscribe to anything and I’m really honestly kind of cheap; I don’t want it to cost me anything.

i started cross-posting my shitposts to nextdoor and got a letter from the HOA??

putting the litter box in progressively larger enclosures like a matryoshka doll of cat crap

got scammed by some fucking hippy band. knew i shouldn’t have opened that email from Phish

I’m this close 🤏 to purchasing a paint booth and an airless sprayer set up.

the timeline is so much better when you mute the shit out of words you don’t want to see

everything sucks but my bebé did a lil sigh when i kissed their forehead 🥹

life after death? you mean this shit continues???

K-L-O-N los angeles - clone radio. we play the songs that sound more like everyone else than anyone else.

It's perfectly normal and healthy to feel nothing but anger for two consecutive weeks.

I am so chilled out here in rural France. Even though I booted up my work laptop and did an hour of work yesterday, outside of that I have disconnected thoroughly, and feel great for it. I do want to make music and learn some new magic though.

Going to make a sacrifice to an old one, anyone need anything while I'm out?

have you even jaunted

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

is it even a horror movie if you don't double check all of the locks on the doors in your house before you go to bed?

Tylenol is the cause of autism. If that were the case it would have been discovered already. Not in the few months that RFK Medusa Jr has been in charge of health. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

i bet Tylenol is the real culprit behind all of our country’s mass shootings

I like your skeets, but I like like your skeets

The most indecent thought I've had lately is putting Icy Hot on a muscle that isn't sore, just for the thrill.

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

Elevated butthole skeet for you. www.sciencealert.com/fish-butthol...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day (in Scotland)? Thou art as thoroughly unreliable.

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

murican. merkin.

When in doubt.. stroke one out. *me as a motivational speaker

If you were down with OPP, it's time to join AARP!

Going to Venice to see if I can drown while hitchhiking.

i am now the proud owner of an @lisabug.bsky.social original

Willie Nelson is America.

Me, hearing someone was murdered somewhere: “I lived three blocks from there for like five weeks, eighteen years ago!”

i have lowered the bar, pray i do not lower it further

Update on my rescue cats. Baby Apollo had his first checkup and is 2.5 lbs and healthy. His mom, Calypso, is healthy and vaccinated now ❤️❤️

Only bought this dress so you could take it off 🎶🎶(TS)

Alwrong alwrong alwrong.

I'm a ramblin' wreck.

Reservoir Dogs

when a group of shitposters hang out irl it’s a pooarty

later today, satan

it’s quite embarrassing the amount of time I will spend on the Discover tab before I realize I’m accidentally on the Discover tab

you ain’t gotta worry bout me disrespecting someone who wound up in hell where they belong

cuttin my losses and movin down to Roku City

it’s never too late to learn to put your phone away while intoxicated

pretty sure the reason I often dated men who weren’t good for me is because I grew up always being told if a boy was mean to me it was because he liked me

My love language is parallel play. You do your thing over there, I'll do mine over here, and we can both enjoy the quiet.

My weight loss program includes purchasing a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables and giving them ample time in the fridge to mold over and expire

My retirement plan is a crafted mix of luck, delusion, and a winning lottery ticket I haven't bought yet.

Don't forget CPR compression rhythm should match the beat of your waiter shredding Parmigiano on your pasta until you say "when"

Alexa, yo.