They should make a snooze button that hits you in the throat

The news isn't the only thing I fake...

It's all fun and games till the authorities* show up *my cats when I'm making a tuna sandwich

if the olympic flame isn't butthole why butthole-shaped

I have high hopes for productivity today, despite still being in my pajamas at 3 p.m.

best friends are the worst influences

'Play on playa' - The inventor of beach volleyball

The snuggle bus: a bus full of adoptable puppies.

Me: You have the right to remain silent. Her: Please don’t talk to my parents like that.

the typos will continue until my brain ceases its shrinking so never

Wuna Tuna’s profile picture

I just call all US law enforcement of any kind ICE, now

smiles youll give and tears youll cry

I will stab a man with a fork.

he's a 10 but he thinks flattery is what you serve food on

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

you all are awful, except you… you’re perfect. yes you

you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me who let the dogs out

It was weird growing up with flat earther parents but at least I’m level-headed.

this is my rifle this is my gun pants are so tight there’s no room for my gum

Wait. There's a game called Fallout?

the road to recovery should be paved with the bones of our enemies

RIP michael jackson, you would have loved fallout

michael Jackson died?

mr owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of the butthole

what an amazing front butt

are you telling me a crab baked this cake? that’s so adorable!

do you think frankenstein’s monster ever took an arm off so he could sleep more comfortably on his side

Until there’s an Olympic event based on Shelley Winters swimming underwater in a capsized ocean liner, I shan’t be watching

I think I have a clusterfuck headache.

last night before the big preteen dance my daughter’s friend gave herself a semi-permanent unibrow and i had no makeup remover. i disassociated.

I missed out on most of my own cultural heritage by not having a TV between 1992 and 1999.

Wow, that new perfume is potent, Babe. What is it? Oh, I'm not wearing any perfume. You're smelling the flame retardant I sprayed on before we go to that event at the church later. Want some?

I quit my job at Chiquita. The place was completely bananas.

Lindsey gonna be on one of those dark web teeth pulling sites soon.

🎶so no one told you dads can also get postpartum🎵 CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP

I saved my best skeets for the weekend when no one is around to see them.

On this episode of "Where's Finn"

i know a lot of people don't want to hear this but given the choice between voting for a leader who will commit violence against a large number of marginalized people and one who will only commit violence against a slightly smaller number, you have to opt for harm reduction and build two guillotines

day canceled, too brain-y

*turns a fairly straightforward 2-3 hour cleaning task into a 4 day ordeal* Follow for more life hacks! ✌🏽

sending all the people who post cute pet pics here my vet bills when i end up with a hundred animals. you ought to be ashamed.

will people in power EVER die? jesus fucking christ they're like mummies

“measure twice cut once” i whisper to myself during this circumcision

on a budget so i can’t smoke the weed that makes me hungry

It's really quite impressive how I can become an expert judge of just about any Olympic sport after watching it for only 10 minutes.

Having puppy fever something fierce. Might not make it through this time.

lucky Day is a bit much, I’ll take a lucky 45 minutes

legally im not allowed to discuss what i did for the klondike bar

redecorating my bedroom as a visual homepage to a bad acid trip I took in 1991, for my children to maintain as a museum of oddities designed by their crazy mother, is all the generational wealth I have to leave them