You know that feeling when you almost step in dog shit and then artfully avoid it at the last moment? Yeah, me neither: a memoir

super sweet of my sleep schedule to add intermissions for literally no fucking reason whatsoever

my intestines are gurgling with holiday cheer

Now she's annoyed with me about something I said to her in a dream 🙄

Gwenhwyfar, Gwenhwyfar, at bwi alla I droi?

Oh no, I forgot to send out Christmas cards for the 41st year in a row

Can't, warming my feet by watching the television fireplace channel.

shredded cheese is just regular cheese that likes to brag about its workout routine

when I bite into a york peppermint patty i get the sensation of biting into a mid candy from the grocery store checkout line

clocking in high because this week is covered by a claus.

it’s basically like seeing russia from my house

How many Christmas songs does it take to get to the center of the seasonal depression?

everything i know about hunting i learned against my good will

spent all night running from dumbos pink elephants and mickeys sorcerer brooms. disney 1, sleep 0.

"You're not taking social media seriously!" Dude, this ain't LinkedIn.

*gives you a fist bump and a star sticker after sex

im a box and yo. yo im smaller than a taco. yo. (some boxes are too stupid to wrap)

As I sit here with a log crackling in the fireplace, absentmindedly stroking the dog's head, my eyes are drawn to the handmade stockings hanging from the mantel, then to the tree, with its myriad sparkling lights, and I think to myself, boy, would my rabbi be disappointed in me.

walks through a car wash just to feel something

I post mid because all I can think about is you, please respond

god knew not to give me a dick because i’d stick it in a hot dog bun and put mustard on it

just snapped out of a year long fugue state, hope i didn’t post anything on the internet

Courtesy spritzing people in line with febreeze.

who up toking before the sun comes up

tire pressure warning light came on in my car and my first thought was 'perfect, i wonder how much air costs these days'

*wraps tortilla around my dick* Who wants a cocko taco?

fast times at grinchmont high

Just polished off the last of a tube of toothpaste and now I'm ready to sit in judgement of all mankind

little owls reclaim their hours

I believe it was Shakespeare who wrote: You want a piece of my heart you better start from the start

Someone just added a work meeting to my schedule for 2pm on December 24th and I am about to choose holly jolly violence

the best gifts aren't tangible. for instance mine this year will be the day my pfp goes back to normal.

bugs bunny is big into conspiracy theories always going down rabbit holes

my bluesky wrapped just says “touch grass”??

moving piles of crap from one room to another (organizing)

between shifts at the skeet skeet factory

late night smut: reading glasses edition

I turned 47 today, and my 53 year-old husband just took out the world’s tiniest violin from the locket around his neck.

The Grinch Who Started a Ponzi Scheme.

At 7:53 PCT I'm hitting play on #JoyDivision #Closer

This week feels like it’s using multiple calendar pages, tbh.

It's Piss Post Friday Go ahead and post about piss you've earned it

Real Housewives of Bojangles

You’re all about 10-20 years away from Gen X being the oldest living generation and you all better get the fuck off our lawns.

Why can I only hear this skeet in Sean Connery's voice?

Eating her out: Sorry to be a bother, but could I get a small to-go container when you have a minute. No rush.

The lady in front of me at the grocery store bought four Natty Ice tall boys and two cans of cat food. It's hard out here, y'all.

I’m sorry but these are my evening sweatpants so I shan’t be leaving the house

It's started. #AtmosphericRiver #NorCal