say hello to my little friend absolutely nobody looks surprised when i pull out a wheel of cheese as it should be

“Say hello to my little friend” - everyone at the Kevin Hart roast

[on the set of Scarface] AL PACINO: say hello to my little friend [opens jacket to reveal a tiny kitten] DIRECTOR: son of a bitch CUT

Nostalgia is when your brain tapes rose-colored glass over your rearview mirror.

mirror mirror reaching out to aspirations you never believed in because fuck it what's one more delusion

nah. ahab is just jealous because his balls aren’t whale sized

[friend] why are you bringing that shovel into the hummus shoppe [me] youre about to learn some things about me that you might not like

I'm more mid than you

is los miller light or is greg los heavy

the way peacocks vocalise their chaotic madness while appearing glamorous and nonchalant is my new life goal

home decor peaked at books vinyl records candles and floor cushions don't @ me

donut stands for today i will do nuthing

Sorry I replaced your “Live, Laugh, Love” sign with one that said “Burp, Fart, Grunt”

Peacocks are good if you want your neighbors to feel like they live next to a haunted house but you can’t afford an actual possessed accordion or whatever

I guarantee a six year old named peacocks

Me: Hey you wanna see my pea cock? You: The bird?! Me pulling out a dildo made of peas: No

are you telling me a cock peed this shit

bad news. it’s actually pretty nice having clothes put away instead of in a pile

any part of the bedroom can be a hamper if you pile enough dirty clothes on it

Interior design may not seem like a career path that leads to gynecology but if you think about it…

jpeg is short for Jorts in Winnipeg

playing russian roulette with a bow and arrow

[Texting my mom, dying of cancer] MOM MY JOKE ABOUT ARBYS ON BLUESKY GOT 6 LIKES

so you’re telling me this site is made of webs

why is it milkshake and not boob smoothie

frankly, I don't know what to believe about butter

asking my kid to do anything kid:

ok explain it to me like i'm 5 years old and have been locked in your basement for six months and am finally ready to call you mami and start our new life in mexico

Buddha: Form is no other than emptiness; emptiness no other than form. Form is exactly emptiness; emptiness exactly form. Me: This explains nothing. Buddha: Exactly.

You’re always breaking things like phone screens and promises.

promises made promises broken i murmur to myself as i pour another cup of coffee

[staring at all the turmoil in the Middle East] More like *broken* promised land am I right?

but they were all of them deceived for that body was not too bootylicous for them babe

running for mayor of Los Angeles on a platform of building affordable igloos

I told my mom I want to be born again and she looked so terrified.

My boss said to tickle my calendar but it’s not laughing and reported me to HR 🙃

if polar bears live in the arctic why don’t black bears live in antarctica

eye twitching subliminal messages in the hopes that chatty colleagues keep their distance today

[whispering in Lin Manuel Miranda’s ear while he’s asleep] A Star Wars/Sound of Music Mash-up. The lead song can be “it’s a von trapp”

*spending two minutes trying to lick a piece of dried food off my knuckle* oh that’s a scab

For physics reasons, your mom and your sister are polar opposites at the strip club

My posts are subliminally funny. Trust me, you’re laughing your ass off at a subconscious level.

Me: Are you saying I’m a people pleaser? Therapist: Oh, no. You’re the opposite of that.

A polar opposite is just an opposite covered in white fur.

i get all of the exercise i need by pushing my luck

muppets guest host will be lana del rey or as they call her lana lana doo doo doo-doo-doo

“Same shit, different day” I mutter while tracking my bowel movements on a spreadsheet.

No, I’m not depressed. Why do you ask? *plays that Lana Del Rey song for the 174th time in a row*

Her full name is Lana Del Rey Mi Fa So La Ti Do