If you’re looking for the penitentiary it’s between the penininetiary and the peneleventiary

Me: I let my guard down. Prison guard: I'm not angry, just disappointed.

If inmates can penpal their way into marriage, then there's still hope for most of you.

Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

[Medieval monastery] Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible? Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy. Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit? Me: lol yeah

poking at your very dead looking skeet with a stick...

I’ll be honest with y’all because we’re friends. My laziness is probably the only reason I’m still alive.

We should’ve stayed in the water. Evolution was a mistake

I let the gas station toilet splash on me just to feel something

one more into the coin jar, aka the pennytentiary

tears are just eye piss

Revenge Of The Sith/Seven

Who called it a charcuterie board and not a meatcuterie board

•reading my notes at the rap battle• it’s all good in the hood, young blood

I’m all out of funk I’m so lost without groove

Schrödinger: Excuse me, miss, can I borrow that box for a science experiment? Pandora: Sure, be my guest.

words is the plurl of itself and still only one

teeth are the toenails of the mouth

the horrible truth is that no one will ever love you the way that I love popping bubble wrap

i first asked my wife out while we were in line at the butcher. we like to say it was a meat cute.

I’m 87 followers from 3k. Do the thing! I need more validation!

They say the best revenge is a life well lived but the most cathartic revenge is hiding a noisemaker in their house that beeps at random times

*surreptitiously adding pulp to your pulp-free orange juice*

*quietly switching out the creamy peanut butter in your PB jar for crunchy*

busy scattering lego on the floor next to your bed

Salt-N-Pepa Pig

that's me on the corner that's me on the sidewalk trying to catch a pigeon

whose hole? butt's hole

can’t take anyone’s mom to kilogram town

Sorry I turned into Gollum and hissed “my precious” but I warned you that I don’t share fries

when gandalf the grey became gandalf the white did the pubes change

Sex is great, but has your cat licked the inside part of your elbow?

dating myself here but... me: you have beautiful eyes me: thanks so do you me: so what do you do for work? me: what do you mean? we work together, silly!

don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

still badass skipping out on the school reunion like I skipped out on school

a subsitute karate teacher is called a sensbee

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

sure cleanliness is next to godliness which is why I wash my brain every chance I get

It’s so cute when someone asks “What’s your backup plan?” as though I even have a frontup plan.

Sex ed was such bullshit. They never even taught us about the crying.

why do they call them children, they have like zero chill

confident that if they could, cats would smoke cigarettes

Ronald McDonald’s baby sleeps in a McCrib

My last two brain cells just filed for divorce.

Do I like to flirt? I love to flirt! Finally Lying down I’m Really Tired

I can’t believe I spent 10,000 hours learning how to make the perfect spoon and then learning all I needed was a knife

I’ve spent more than 10,000 hours in posting & I still haven’t mastered shit.

[sting] okay roxanne baby rents getting expensive time to turn on that red light

“whoever smelt it dealt it,” i say, after visibly shitting my pants in an interview