that's me on the corner that's me on the sidewalk trying to catch a pigeon

whose hole? butt's hole

can’t take anyone’s mom to kilogram town

Sorry I turned into Gollum and hissed “my precious” but I warned you that I don’t share fries

when gandalf the grey became gandalf the white did the pubes change

Sex is great, but has your cat licked the inside part of your elbow?

dating myself here but... me: you have beautiful eyes me: thanks so do you me: so what do you do for work? me: what do you mean? we work together, silly!

don't worry folks, the earth is backed up in the clouds somewhere

still badass skipping out on the school reunion like I skipped out on school

a subsitute karate teacher is called a sensbee

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

sure cleanliness is next to godliness which is why I wash my brain every chance I get

It’s so cute when someone asks “What’s your backup plan?” as though I even have a frontup plan.

Sex ed was such bullshit. They never even taught us about the crying.

why do they call them children, they have like zero chill

confident that if they could, cats would smoke cigarettes

Ronald McDonald’s baby sleeps in a McCrib

My last two brain cells just filed for divorce.

Do I like to flirt? I love to flirt! Finally Lying down I’m Really Tired

I can’t believe I spent 10,000 hours learning how to make the perfect spoon and then learning all I needed was a knife

I’ve spent more than 10,000 hours in posting & I still haven’t mastered shit.

[sting] okay roxanne baby rents getting expensive time to turn on that red light

“whoever smelt it dealt it,” i say, after visibly shitting my pants in an interview

SFH (shitposting from home today) so I don’t ruin the workplace

turns out one hour learning about each of ten thousand things makes me a total idiot

you have a seat on the council but we do not grant you the rank of shitposter

I'm pretty knowledgeable about what food pairs well with tap water

it’s called the imperial march because they’re not meter soldiers

at least tomorrow is not Monday

got a PhD in shitposting but my mother still won't call me "my son the doctor"

Growing old is realizing that everything you loved as a kid always makes a comeback. I draw the line at Tickle Me Elmo though, that bish never reciprocated.

How much candy do I have to eat until I’m eligible for ozempic? Let’s find out.

What if we all just keep turning back the clock until everything is fun again? I’m thinking pre-kardashian era probably.

woke up feeling like a cat and then remembered free will does not exist

*before sex* close the dumpster gate, this Arby's manager is a prick

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

“Penis envy” was coined by Freud after his first group shower in high school gym

I used to believe in Freudian psychoanalysis but then I realized that I’m Jung at heart.

“Your skeets are so bad I smacked your mom.” - Freud

the right gets as mad about the left winning elections as the left gets about the right scrapping the entire constitution lol

good morning, buttholes and only buttholes

Mamdani will never be my mayor! [I don’t live in New York City]

THEM: awww you have a cute red head baby ME: oh no that’s cheeto dust

NO NUT NOVEMBER HAS FALLEN

A reverse coffee shop where a barista shoots you point blank with a tranq dart.

quitting my day job to become a full time shitposter with a great sponsorship deal *tips my head back and pours Doritos crumbs directly into my mouth; turns to camera and smiles*

Election Day in America feels like waiting for STD test results.