Sure, there are pros and cons to being on social media. Examples: Pros: You’re still here and I’m still here. Cons: You’re still here and I’m still here.

Save money on raw oysters by having a friend blow their nose right into your mouth.

i’ve been googling how to internet

This pelvic floor is a total fixer upper right now and I don’t think I’m getting my deposit back.

Being passionate about velour is my defining characteristic.

My wife and I were once so in love with each other that we thought nothing would ever come between us. We just argued over cushion covers.

Me while trying to pass a kidney stone "gravel is stored in the balls”

Him: where are all the coffee filters? Me:

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

Thom Browne heading for the Reflecting Pool

*counting my hot sauce packets like a stack of hundred dollar bills*

Poetry snaps used to get us through this shit. Now the world is just too damn hard.

origami artists make terrible poker players because they always fold

Sternly worded guillotine.

Me, as a fútbol ref: but did you die?

[bleeding out at the dentist] Tell my family I died of a gumshot wound

the revolution will be monetized

the worst part of turning 50 is realizing you'll probably never learn to rollerskate backwards now

hot potatoes: we’re sexy red potatoes: we’re commies idaho potatoes: we’re republicans baked potatoes: we’re high irish potatoes: we’re famished sweet potatoes: we’re kind small potatoes: oh goddammit god fucking dammit 😫

In hell, the devil's mom convinces you that every tchotchze at the flea market would go perfectly in your entryway

a wise man once said: if your lawyer has a pony tail, you’re going to jail

The Hamburger Helper is neither ground beef nor helpful. He’s been undermining your kitchen table for years.

Them: Is everything a joke to you? Me: Is Everything A Joke 2: You

there should be a jorts lane on freeways just for me

[mid travel] damnit i left my good knees in my twenties

A lot of people don't realise this but in the UK we have to replace our Prime Minister every two or three years or else the rights revert back to Marvel

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

In ten years I’ll be Britain’s prime minister. Not that I want to be, it’ll just be my turn by then

fill a room full of jokes, call that amuseum

The Cold War was really just a bunch of dad's outdadding each other to see which dad could keep their house the coldest.

[doorbell rings in the distance] Undercover dog cop: *furiously sweats*

i went to the format joke store and they said you’re their #1 customer, but they are concerned you might have a dependency on using formulaic humor for a low effort dopamine reward and to avoid your fear of expressing yourself genuinely

we should invent kids who don’t constantly ask us for stuff

GOD: [going through his end of year figures] Prophets are up lol *high fives himself

Cleanliness is merely a blank canvas for a child

1991: fighting with five siblings for use of a single landline 2025: we all refuse to answer our cell phones

well look at that another day has passed isn't life just wonderf- *walks straight into a wall*

this is the last pun cop (unless i think of more later) sorry or you’re welcome here’s all of them if you need to enjoy or be angry again bsky.app/profile/did:...

listen if you're not using your morning commute for crying, that's just poor time management

Getting into the spirit of the World Cup by dramatically falling over and writhing on the ground whenever someone in the supermarket nudges me with their trolley.

If I have to switch sides of the bed it’ll never work.

Poor in wealth, rich in brain damage.

Careful, I was raised on survival not love.

i hear the tech bros want to generically engineer designer babies. finally, a baby with pockets

I'm so patriotic I don't French kiss. Miss me with that spit circus, Cheryl.

Post menopause clarity: fuck them kids and them men

Not sure how your day is going but I just found out I might not math better than a crow.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Noticed a hummingbird shows up at the garden every evening at the same time, so I spent $60 on flowers for it, and now I’m financially and emotionally entangled with a flying sugar addict.

Just sitting outside with my bird identifier app getting ready to fuck some shit up