i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts

a factoid is simply the offspring of a fact and a meteoroid

Excuse me professor, but the american experiment just blew up in the lab

Me, out in a field, solitaire diamond rings glittering in rows, bursting from fruited vines while butterflies flit above them in the sun: I’m engagement farming.

thought about starting a salamander habitat but axolotl work

I don’t have the battery life for your onlyfans.

Watching a French thing and basically they are like us but with more scarves.

sometimes when a person asks me why I’m single all I hear is “why don’t you want to be a full grown man’s unpaid nurse therapist receptionist cook manager…”

I’ve been hallucinating spiders on me again, but I only do the drugs that I’m supposed to

The fat loss industry hates this one simple trick: stop eating like a raccoon in a dumpster with free will.

Yes, I'm home by 7:30 on nye. Get off my lawn!

Still caught somewhere in time, Iron Maiden, please advise

Still ramblin' and gamblin', Bob Seger. Please advise

Still shook me all night long AC/DC, please advise

Studying architecture so I can finally start building giant, inscrutable chicken nugget-shaped obelisks in the desert.

Dear Christmas whatever, I hope you’re strong enough I had tequila

Santa Claus will deliver toys all over the world rather than go to therapy.

every year I hope a small woodland creature pops out of our christmas tree and becomes my best friend that teaches me about myself and the world.

*Santa leaves coal in my stocking* Me: I can change him

John Grinch: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

The Grinchate Kid

fast times at grinchmont high

How the Grinch Let the Dogs Out

Sometimes when I’m at social events I randomly shout out big words so everyone will know I’m the smartest person in the room.

Me, getting framed: I’m innocent DirectTV: You 100% ordered it

How to have good hair: - Have whatever hair, even bad hair - Walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Sorry, I can't come in until the curse is lifted

Isle of Misfits: A Knives Out Mystery

Evan’s Jelly Calls would be a great name for a store that sells mesmerizing jellies made by someone named Evan

a lord of the rings cover band called imagine flagons

Evan's Gelicals would be a clever thing to name a boutique that sells gelicals.

How to case your brief

a phone that spits out the charger at 100%

Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs

Here I am, rock you like a light drizzle

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

I'll pass on the year in review.

How to nail your finger

How to end your bell

how to train your wreck

I don’t need a break I need 3 months of hibernation

replacing my lost sense of wonder with a pallet of canned ham I got on sale at Costco

I WILL INTERACT WHEN I AM DEAD.

Usual reminder to those negotiating the information superhighway this month: Take care It's drunk selfie season

Unknowing should be an achievable verb

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

*pulling the pads of a tens unit off of my stomach* Gawd I love to feel the burn of hard gains.

this is where I post from if you even care