Call me crazy, but I’m guessing Andrew wont’t be receiving a Christmas card from King Charles this year.

No one forced you to get out of bed this morning. Remember this.

Unless you live in Seattle or New England, no gives a fuck about this Super Bowl.

If spaghetti can stain a plastic bowl what do you think it’s doing to your intestines? How do you know?

Is buying a bag of baby carrots considered an adoption? Are you sure?

I could tell by the way my dog started to put ketchup on his dog food it was time to get him a new brand of food.

Can we skip this time of year and go straight to baseball season? *asking on behalf of those who are bored

One politician endorsing another is like shit endorsing diarrhea.

Never sneeze upwards to a moving ceiling fan unless you are prepared to take a shower.

Cream of celery soup. Because Satin wanted to tell you hello.

Hey girl-No one is making you wear that bra. Just saying….

Kind of crazy how you can be lying in a warm cozy bed but if you move over one inch it becomes a frozen tundra complete with hyperthermia and frost bite.

Just another day of doing everything humanly possible to not get hit in the balls. -Men

Life is crazy. You never know when shit is going to hit the fan. Always carry toilet paper with you.

Jump, jump, hop on one leg, hop on the other leg, twist, twist, and done. -Everyone putting on a pair of blue jeans

Jump, jump, hop on one leg, hop on the other leg, twist, twist, and done. -Everyone putting on a pair of blue jeans

Trying to fool myself into a better mood.

I like you. Don't ruin it by being nice.

In my free time I enjoy finding weeping willow trees and complimenting them to cheer them up

In my mind I say "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" but it usually just comes out "Look bitch, I don't give a fuck. Eat a dick"

starting to feel like it will never be the right day to stop sniffing glue

Life is crazy. You never know when shit is going to hit the fan. Always carry toilet paper with you.

Just another day of doing everything humanly possible to not get hit in the balls. -Men

Kind of crazy how you can be lying in a warm cozy bed but if you move over one inch it becomes a frozen tundra complete with hyperthermia and frost bite.

Hey girl-No one is making you wear that bra. Just saying….

With the college football transfer portal being available to the student athletes I will never comprehend why the University of Hawaii isn’t stacked with the best of the best players every year? Hawaii or a place that snows? Duh.

Cream of celery soup. Because Satin wanted to tell you hello.

Be the reason why your neighbors look at you and say “there goes the neighborhood.”

Doctor: how’s your diet and exercise? Me: my what?

Never sneeze upwards to a moving ceiling fan unless you are prepared to take a shower.

If you want a reality check, then dance butt naked in front of a mirror. All kinds of jiggling body parts moving.

A drunk chick and a pair of tweezers is never a good combo.

Quit licking the door knobs, people. You’re spreading the flu.

One politician endorsing another is like shit endorsing diarrhea.

Hey girl, I remember you played the flute in Jr. High School. Where did that get you today?

There really needs to be someone who hands out a participation ribbon and a plate of bacon every time you leave your house in the mornings.

Happy New Year (threatening)

Welcome to January, the longest month in your entire life.

Recap from last night’s fireworks: Boom, boom, boom, Kabbbbboooommmm, boom, crackle, crackle, boom, crackle, whistle, whistle, boom, kaboom, kaboom, boom!!!!! Happy New Year!!!

Establishing dominance by taking the last piece of cake.

Holiday Season…Xanax Season…same thing.

Call me crazy, but licking a chick’s ass should be called Oral B. Write that down.

I hate when the weatherman says “Cold front coming in” and includes the city I live in like I asked for it. It’s not my birthday, I’m not asking for a gift. Send that cold front back.

A recliner is just a glorified bed for your living room.

Did your parents have any normal children?

Everyday shit happens.......unless you're constipated, then that would totally suck to be you.

Burnt cheese….either you love it or you’re stupid. There is no in between.

What other people think of you is none of your business

A merry-go-round is just a Lazy Susan for kids.

Everyone you meet today could have a positive impact on your life so for the love of god, people, stay home