Me: OMG, someone just shit in my mouth. Waiter: Sir, you’re eating a Caesar salad. Me: Same thing.

<<< Volunteering to give breasts exams during the month of October. Exceptional satisfaction guaranteed.

I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. Have you tried eating a plate full of bacon? Eating bacon will turn your frown upside down.

Say what you will about strip clubs, but at least they don’t have “Bring your kid to work day.” Good for them looking out for today’s youth.

Going to med school just means you can use big fancy words like “stool” or “feces” instead of “dookey” or “shit.”

If she looks at her watch during sex she’s more than likely not a keeper.

Not too happy but moderately happy will do.

People that ask questions in my replies. Go away.

I've annoyed everyone in the house. Its quiet and peaceful. Winning.

Always make sure that your exit plan has a backup plan for when you get trapped talking to stupid people.

Act when fear tells you to hide For in the act you become stronger than the fear You are in control.

No no..I’ll be okay I have my disappointment cheese

Listening to Trump at the U.N. sounds like a giant KKK rally.

Shady people hit up Pawn Shops before 9am, these are the facts.

Waking up and not knowing what day of the week it is, then realizing it’s the weekend and you don’t have to go to work is such a rush.

So if I say skid marks are you thinking about on the road or your husband’s underwear? Don’t worry, I won’t tell him.

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

So if I say skid marks are you thinking about on the road or your husband’s underwear? Don’t worry, I won’t tell him.

I'm free to do what I want any old time.

I enjoy my hot dogs like my men, carcinogenic and likely to kill me.

Free speech for me but not for thee is today's Amerikkka.

Please let this motherfucker be clean. -Everyone walking in to a public restroom

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Boobs are like built in stress relief balls.

When people are rude to me, I offer them a hug and then lick their ear.

I just sang songs to my kitten and he stared at me until he fell asleep in my arms so my day is complete.

As we end the sundress season we welcome the knee high boots season.

Don’t be scared, but when I have an orgasm rainbows and glitter appear.

Can we all just admit it? No one is partying with a party size bag if sour cream and onion chips.

(Arm Bracelet) W.W.M.R.D. What Would Mr. Rogers Do?

Life is one schpiel after another schpiel after another schpiel.

How many people’s butts to you look at pet day? WRONG!!! More like a few hundred.

No thanks to becoming an airplane pilot. Life is hard enough on the ground let alone in the air.

Puts Mother-In-Law on Airplane Mode. Lives happily ever after.

Has anyone thought of shitting on a bird's nest in retaliation for them shitting on our cars? Kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?

Sex, multivitamins, and healthy poop. Rocking on!

The real villain of Oz? Extreme weather events caused by climate change. But sure, blame the witch.

Happy NFL Sunday 2025 to those who love the game of football.

You can eat chicken, bacon, ham, and sausage with hash browns for breakfast. But God forbid if you eat a cheeseburger with french fries for breakfast. Society is sincerely weird as hell. Cows need loving too.

Sometimes you want to hold their hand and be there for them. And other times you want to shove them off of a cliff and say "good job, stupid."

Sometimes you want to hold their hand and be there for them. And other times you want to shove them off of a cliff and say "good job, stupid."

You can eat chicken, bacon, ham, and sausage with hash browns for breakfast. But God forbid if you eat a cheeseburger with french fries for breakfast. Society is sincerely weird as hell. Cows need loving too.

Why waste your money on a vasectomy? Wear Crocs instead.

a pill that makes you able to take the other pills correctly that make your mind work

binge watching my dogs until further notice

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

One time I started a club to trade stickers and talk about boys but you had to like caprisuns and be able to hula hoop to be a member.

Left the phone at home during a dog walk. We all felt 20lbs lighter

Life is just a race to see how many cheese singles you can eat before you die.

The world is a much better place if you never leave your house or watch the news.