A drunk chick and a pair of tweezers is never a good combo.

Quit licking the door knobs, people. You’re spreading the flu.

One politician endorsing another is like shit endorsing diarrhea.

Hey girl, I remember you played the flute in Jr. High School. Where did that get you today?

There really needs to be someone who hands out a participation ribbon and a plate of bacon every time you leave your house in the mornings.

Happy New Year (threatening)

Welcome to January, the longest month in your entire life.

Recap from last night’s fireworks: Boom, boom, boom, Kabbbbboooommmm, boom, crackle, crackle, boom, crackle, whistle, whistle, boom, kaboom, kaboom, boom!!!!! Happy New Year!!!

Establishing dominance by taking the last piece of cake.

Holiday Season…Xanax Season…same thing.

Call me crazy, but licking a chick’s ass should be called Oral B. Write that down.

I hate when the weatherman says “Cold front coming in” and includes the city I live in like I asked for it. It’s not my birthday, I’m not asking for a gift. Send that cold front back.

A recliner is just a glorified bed for your living room.

Did your parents have any normal children?

Everyday shit happens.......unless you're constipated, then that would totally suck to be you.

Burnt cheese….either you love it or you’re stupid. There is no in between.

What other people think of you is none of your business

A merry-go-round is just a Lazy Susan for kids.

Everyone you meet today could have a positive impact on your life so for the love of god, people, stay home

Your guess is as good as mine. Except that one. Also, that one. Are you even trying?

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

Welcome to indifference club. It meets whenever. I’m probably not going anyway.

If the answer isn't "add seven more plants," then I guess I just don't understand interior design.

Trusting politicians to do the right thing is like trusting me not to eat all the donuts.

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

My dog stares out the window like he's recreating a Joe Biden meme.

I'm not saying that Santa Claus is fake, I'm just saying that it's weird for him to be in every single mall at the same time, that's all.

Santa Claus knows you’re lying when you tell your kids that cauliflower is delicious.

When two men pass each other and give each other a head nod that’s an entire conversation in less than two seconds.

Christmas Eve is like Summer’s Eve except it’s far less of a douche.

There’s always that one person who didn’t get the memo that driving in the left lane on the interstate is made for hauling ass, you know speeding.

The older I become, the more the pain and misery of having to do school homework assignments fades away.,

My wife said she wanted grilled cheeseburgers for dinner, so now I have to take out a second mortgage on my house to be able to afford the beef. Welcome to America.

At the end of the day parenting comes down to one thing only: Ensure your child knows how to destroy a toilet by age 4. Everything after that is easy.

Heavy rain is like regular rain except it needs to go on a diet. It’s the Holiday food, do not shame.

Because of the No. 2 pencil the No. 3 pencil has no friends.

Welcome to bluesky. If you like pithy observations on all your shitposts you'll love it here.

Books are power charges for your brain.

Snickerdoodle cookies are like regular cookies except they’re part snickers and poodle.

Back in the day you could completely get away with shooting the sheriff just as long as you didn’t shoot the deputy. Life was easier back then.

Maybe what the world needs is ‘80’s rock ballads to come back and heal us all.

Adam and Eve didn’t have football games to watch back in the day, and that’s really sad.

Thick cut bacon isn’t for the weak, only the strong ones can handle its deliciousness.

Contrary to popular belief, I’ve never practiced Santeria and I’ve never owned a crystal ball.

I’m Gen X. My childhood didn’t require one single password, and it was fantastic.

Decaffeinated coffee...what's the point? That's like masturbating and saying you just got laid. Um..no you didn't.

Your toilet should be considered a bomb shelter. Just imagine your neighborhood without it.

Not right now, too busy drowning in gravy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but fuck Christmas music.

AGE TEST: You fall, people laugh= young You fall, people gasp= old