Welcome to your 50s: You lose your phone, so you look for your phone… to call your phone.

mariah carey as actual christmas trees: thread

If you’ve watched Netflix’s The Beast In Me with Claire Danes and Mathew Rhys, you may, like me, wanted to see more “Steve”. leashfreeliving.com/meet-steve-t...

Pour Some Gravy on Me is my favourite song about Thanksgiving.

*shovels snow* *adds “snow removal” to resume*

*Jennifer Coolidge voice* I need a cheeseburger real bad.

December 1st being on a Monday is why I have trust issues.

Are the dads half off for Cyber Monday?

Canadian version of a booty call is a text that just says, "My furnace is acting up again."

Heating up half a cup of tea, in the air fryer because you’ve got to move with the times.

Making some relatable content: Sometimes feeling oh so cold... and sometimes... sooo much too hot 😂

If you're looking for the clown, he's two storm drains over

ME: It's like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files. FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things? ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you push the start button.

Me: So like, did you get bitten by a piano? Billy Joel: Don't ever speak to me again.

Got kicked out of the zoo again for shouting ‘bitch please’ at the peacocks

Sure, calling them aeronautical engineers is fine, but I just feel that ‘flyentists’ would’ve been so much better.

McDonald's should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December. Call it the McCrib.

Never be afraid to avoid new things.

Don't give up your day drink.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING ILLITERIT?

All those missing socks didn't prepare me for the missing Aquaman Underoo bottoms.

You will always hold a special place in my delusions.

I sure wing a lot of things for not being a bird.

See the best in people, but leave before they have a chance to talk to you.

I drink boxed wine because it's not available by the suitcase.

gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended

tom brady’s son towers over him ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

lemur: WHAT ???

Men did you know don’t have to turn left to turn right or right to turn left to steer your big truck and instead you can drive something that’s more penis-proportional

Yes my answer is yes

“What?”

Introduce yourself with 5 animals you've seen in the wild : Sting ray Peacock Alligator Dolphin Deer

One too many logs on the fire forced Gary to evacuate the arid living room to seek refuge in the freezing rain.

It’s all fun and games until Gary gets a hematoma and has to buy a long-sleeve shirt.

I'm beginning to think I'll never find a giant x on the ground marking the spot to buried treasure

More like In the Red Friday amirite?

Goods is too modest. They should be called baked greats.

You can pry my triple shot macchiato with 5 syrup pumps and pumpkin spice foam from my cold, dead hands (because it killed me)

Would a book about sandpaper be considered a rough draft?

I reserve the right to be interested in anything that interests me

It's the great Bukkake Charlie Brown

made soup from scratch but it tastes funny cuz i used laughing stock haha ha this isn’t even today’s worst i have more 😬

Turns out you can get married in Vegas no matter how drunk you are.

I have little in common with people who have a lot in common with other people.

So much to rant about... so little time....

A dating app that only shows their latest Spotify playlist and bank account balance.

I’ve never paid for sex. *looks at kids’ tuition bills* Well, not on the front end.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

“Anaconda” is derived from ancient Greek and means “without a conda.”