i before e except nobody cares any more.

i know a spot

I’m calling my entire family home next week to give a speech about the passive aggressive ethos

Please forward my mail to this corn maze. I'm never getting out

Is there a way to air brush away all these lonely feelings?

*electric toothbrush stops working* oh shit what do i do now

Might fuck around and drive into a tree today idk yet

Look, I don't know what your plans were. But you keep that cheese grater away from my genitals

I suspect the essential is in all this irrelevant somewhere.

I forgot to remind myself to remember something.

petition to get more people to agree with me

drank too much wine and now i'm grapely ill

And in my mind I have already told ya Rehearsed it over and over I want to know ya, know ya

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

i find myself asking “is this real life?” a lot more these days

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me sword fighting with dildos at the sex shop] Me: my boss was a jerk

The raccoon cake pop from Starbucks does not taste like real raccoon

"Don't downgrade your dreams just to fit your reality." - Stuart W. Scott #EastCoastKin #G+Circle #ArcanumAlumni #photography #CanadianPhotographer #scape

The things we’ve done in my imagination.

Sitting here watching a thunderstorm that’s 100 miles away wishing I was 100 miles away.

"I can't eat that, it feels weird on my teeth." - me, thinking that's a normal thing for everyone

World has gone to shit but then the UPS man who has every reason to despise people who look like me is on my stoop struggling to say goodbye after all these years and how much he’ll miss us and how grateful he is to have worked this route for 36 years. Anyway love is still out there just see it.

Lotto machines be like: what you need change for when you’re gonna be a millionaire

Soccer tourney weekend because you decided to have kids? Try on these comeupants

I spend 90% of my time thinking about what time I get to go to bed.

This has to be the laziest revolution ever

My 12 year old was telling me about a video game and I legit went through the five stages of grief.

Eating celery as punishment for all the bad things I’ve done.

The hardest is to run away from yourself.

Sanity? That is something what still exists???

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. You need to accept that those people are hideously ugly

I would rather drive off a cliff than make my own pie crust

This apnea better have me dreaming about Wendy

I don't need a hero to save me from my poor decisions. I need a partner in crime to share the consequences.

Happiness is finding someone that says “eff them kids” as much as you do

You know you're doing something right when you write a skeet and immediately catch a block

Too bad your standards aren't as high as your horse

And, here I go. Poker face.

Two years ago tonight was the last night with my mom. She was my hero and this was her favorite song that I’m sharing with all of you amazing people. She would say smoke a joint and love each other. youtu.be/k4M53xndqiU

do you also like things?

I think about more than I forget but I don't go around fire expectin' not to sweat, Charlie Brown

i got kicked out of the mall because they don't do that kind of piercing at Claire's apparently?

fuckaas bitch is gonna be so confused about where they should go

Kidnapper: your going in the trunk Me: *you’re

First base = kissing Second base= oral Third base = penetration Fourth base= calling you on the telephone

I found an old video of my kids looking thru their baskets on Easter morning, and the Academy Award for Acting Surprised goes to me.

Stealing the catalytic converter from a Transformer is considered a badge of honor among tweakers

To my mortal enemies: May your pillows always be warm when you lay down.

you should probably clean up all this existential dread, we’ve got company coming over later