whole universe inside these headphones

Idk what 6 7 means but it's definitely inferior to 69.

Congratulations, you broke the cycle. Here’s a new one. Happy Sunday

Using my phone at 5% battery is the only edging I’ll be doing at my age.

To my mortal enemies: May your pillows always be warm when you lay down.

you should probably clean up all this existential dread, we’ve got company coming over later

My supervisor really does not like it when I refer to him as my little paypig.

I’m always finding things like spare change and fault.

Thank goodness my mother smoked cigarettes instead of taking Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

I like to start my day by screaming while hitting my head on my steering wheel before walking into my office with a smile.

Nothing gets me more spiritually bricked up than detaching a quote from a punk ass

I get my news the old fashioned way—by using a haunted ouija board

It takes me 9 seconds to write a text and 17 minutes to find the right emoji to add to it

My Midwestern Charm is that I nervously laugh at every unfunny joke that I've ever uttered.

I imagine all of your voices as one of the Muppet's.

this is by far the most underwhelming rapture I’ve ever experienced

Builds a time machine. Goes to Toys R Us.

In any successful relationship there needs to be give and take and cheese and crackers

i always ask for non-virgin olive oil bc it’s a lot of pressure to be someone’s first

KitKats for breakfast wasn’t the stellar decision that I was sure it would be

sneezes are the most dangerous bodily mechanic and i think its crazy we come equipped with them in the base model

Make sure you don't stare directly into the Rapture without your Rapture glasses. $9.23 a pair.

We‘ll know who the best sinners are tomorrow when they are still posting on the bsky dot app.

Wait is the Rapture today or tomorrow? My google calendar isn't up to date.

if a chicken has boneless wings, I will not be eating that chicken. it is clearly sick.

Rawdogging this Monday as God intended.

Monday is coming.

Oh you're damaged like me..even better.

I taped a copy of your profile pic to my vibrator. I laminated it first.

Before you swipe right on anyone, you need to swipe right on yourself first bro.

𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘞𝘢𝘺 𝘏𝘰𝘮𝘦 is my favorite song about a GPS set to avoid tolls.

Dance like everyone is watching and throwing coupons at you.

If you listen carefully, you can hear hindsight laughing at you.

How much mint can you intake before you get a mint overdose? *I don't really care, I just want my coworker to take the hint (and a mint)

Growing up is slowly realize that you can now understand what the adults are saying in a Charlie Brown movie.

She calls herself a barbie but looks like a cabbage patch kid

My posts don’t define me as a person. It defines me as a shitposter.

Interviewer: great resumé apart from the typo. It says you have exceptional people skulls lol Me: *holding up two skulls by the eye sockets* meet Richard & Clive

At least the lantern flies are quieter than the cicada emergence. And definitely better than the Locust swarms.

Spreading the lords words Pumpkin spice has no pumpkin just like egg plant has no egg you twats Now go fuck some shit up and follow the money or just roll the fuck over (clears throat) Go in peace and amend

wow I have so much energy in my dreams

Soup season, best season.

Maple syrup is just pancake bukkakke. “No, more. Keep going.”

Sometimes when shit gets real messed up, all you can do is say, “rama lama ding dong,” and hope for the fuckin best.

any situation can be made scary if you unleash a horde of chinchillas

i fear the hummingbirds are plotting my demise after replacing their water with la croix

McDonald's flags at half mast. I can only assume someone finally got the Grimace.

Hot Take: Taro is the superior root vegetable to potatoes.

The spotted lantern flies have arrived in Ohio. It is finally my turn to be Lord of the Flies. I’ll be doing a pig roast shortly.

the one trick mods don’t want you to know