buying the iPhone Air and immediately slapping it into a thicc battery case

No no..I’ll be okay I have my disappointment cheese

"The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." -Carl Sagan

i have therapy and a tattoo appointment today so i’m not gonna make it to the rapture

i’m starting to suspect all that glitter isn’t actually gold

Went to the rapture in this the rapture shirt, but all I got was put out of the races, and onto the tracks

A blunt but instead of weed it’s seratonin

Crushes are for children. We are adults. We have obsessions.

If only we could cash our mistakes in for cash, I could retire.

I keep my large swear jar in my car.

I often think that if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Oh crap, I accidentally said exactly what I wanted to, again.

My name's Doug, and I'm outta heeere

Quick, someone come up with a “I survived the rapture of 25” tee shirt

beauty is in the eye of the butt holder

halloween costume idea: slutty james cromwell

Beginning to think they lied about the rapture. I still see a lot of people and I live in a red state

Always take chances. You’ll regret it very much

I've seen the way that you talk your nothing but bad luck block you from my feed go smoke some weed or just get lost open.spotify.com/track/0plJog...

you do what you want but i will be attending the hip-hopture today

Playing the "Chill" supermix because it just seems like a good idea this morning. Here's a song from an incredible album from Genesis from way back in the '70s. Music that has stood the test of time.

I'm so glad that I didn't post any true confessions yesterday. Those secrets are going to the grave with me. 😆🤣🤣

A loud phone talker in CVS just enthusiastically called herself a “snack.” You’re picking up antibiotics for an STD. Settle down, Salmonella.

There are some people that I would have loved to have known at a different time in my life. Like never, for example.

A Korean woman in the ER is loudly demanding respect, complaining that her urinalysis is taking too long. She’s screaming the word “respect” incessantly. Please allow me to express my frustration, not about her, but that no one heard me refer to her as “Urethra Flankpain, the Queen of Seoul.”

Blessed are the people who can go out with wet hair without worrying about what it’s going to look like when it dries.

I’m not much for sunshine, but if you’re looking for shade, I can be your tree.

The Visionary: world peace is attainable The Peripheral Visionary: what the hell was that

Wife: Wanna play doctor Me: ok Wife: Oh doctor please give me a physical I’m always horny Me: sounds like a preexisting condition gtfo Wife: I meant Canada doctor

honey, I was at the library and happened to be the millionth borrower, next thing I know, naked women start dancing and throwing glitter on me, so anyway that should explain everything

heard my wife telling her friends that fire season comes earlier every year which is messed up cause her nickname for me is fire season

Funniest thing I did today was cancelling my Hulu bundle after they announced bringing Kimmel back cuz fuck those assholes.

Hey look, it's me tryna get thru the week

people suck and animals are awesome

Fun fact: power slap competitions are DISTINCTLY more dangerous than boxing or MMA

Pretty much. If I can't have Paradise no one can!

Idk how people live places where like full-grown bears just be walking up to your patio and checking if you're home, then let themselves in.

Slowly paddles out into the abyss wearing arm floaties

Fuck that bitch (me, grocery shopping a couple days ago) and her "healthy" choices

"Go back to bed America. Here watch this, shut up. You're free to do as we tell you." open.spotify.com/track/60jPlx...

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

Turns out the rapture was just this delicious cup of coffee.

I am mondayphobic because my mom had lasagna when she was pregnant.

hey, we said no tag backs your honor

Please Nightdive, I beg of thee

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

i took a dump and it was in the shape of a cross, which I am dubbing the crapture

Good Morning Bluesky - Happy Tuesday. Have yourselves a great day. Who is up waiting for the rapture? Just me and Kermit? Be well, have fun, stay strong and look for those little pops of beauty and happiness out there. Cheers!

Why are all those naked people floating up past my windows?

If anyone plans to be getting raptured, click the link in my bio to donate your money to me. You won’t need it where you’re going, but I sure do.