people want the illusion until they realize the real is better

Today is beautiful. Hold hands with a raccoon.

anytime i see the phrase “laying pipe” i picture lining up penises between plump labia like little hot dogs and now you can too

thanks for unlocking your high security cage for me so i could buy a $6 charging cable, walmart

i put my underpants on just like anybody else, dipped in gherkin juice

a yawn is when your soul is trying to silent scream its way out of your body

smoke and mirrors? that's... that's just our daily life now.

that special time of the week where i sip my coffee and live vicariously through all these sunday posts whilst pretending it's not actually monday morning

first time i tasted sweet potato was in the mid 90s while out with friends i ordered wedges and didn't realise that they were sweet potato until i bit into them i was so offended by being duped by this inferior potato that i swore i'd never eat it again 30 years and counting yes i can hold a grudge

America: where immigrants with a clean record are detained, tortured, sexually assaulted, murdered and/or disappeared, but a 34-count convicted felon and pedophile is allowed and encouraged to have immigrants detained, tortured, sexually assaulted, murdered and/or disappeared

[Law and Order: No Shit Unit] DETECTIVE: [inspecting corpse] this person was murdered

Trump acting attorney general Todd Blanche just said out loud “there are some individuals who are [U.S] citizens who shouldn’t be” which has always been at the heart of what this discount store administration wants to do: The Final Solution 2: Fascist Boogaloo

CANNIBALS: oh fuck yes

RFK Jr banning antidepressants to improve mental health is like RFK Jr banning brakes to improve car safety

MICK JAGGER: hey you, get off of my cloud GRUMPY BEAR OF THE CARE BEARS: [turns around] the fuck did you just say

I will destroy you but like in a cute way

I like cats because they express affection by being adjacent

You see an opossum covered in babies, I see a hard working single mother supporting her kids

When calligraphers get mad they send strongly lettered words

It’s been hard for me to meet ladies who like to get freaky ever since Joann Fabrics closed

The most annoying sound in the world? Gotta be the beating heart under the floorboards. We get it. We’re haunted by our conscience and slowly going mad. It’s been done!

imagine all the dragons

Another day of “ew, I have to do things”

Idk when I started feeling this way but putting a giant ugly gif in someone's replies is an act of war

Your love keeps lifting me higher oh god he’s throwing me off this bridge

Correct take: shredded lettuce is a terrible topping for burgers, use whole lettuce leaves or leave it off

who gives a shit if it’s butter

labradoodle sounds like something i drew on my magna doodle

the weather getting cooler means the puppy being cuter

neither here nor there but a secret third thing* *my overactive imagination

i've got one hand in my pocket and the other one's got a hunk of cheese

relating to an office fake succulent that is teetering on the edge of a wall shelf

humanity started going backwards when drivers stopped giving the thank you wave

Go-go-gadget apathy.

Here's your friendly reminder to be a little kinder to yourself today.

There's nothing common about sense anymore.

This day in history. 553. The Second Council of Constantinople began but I can't help you if you didn't see the First Council of Constantinople.

I get you, galaxies that are too old for the universe.

These are my formal Crocs, babe. My Crocodiles.

the guy remodeling my house promised a ton of natural light I was like dude I’m not in college anymore

You shouldn’t make jokes on the internet it makes people mad

If you question whether they're your friend or not? They're not.

CONSERVATIVES: there is a serious case of dehumanization in this country ALSO CONSERVATIVES: [insert any comment about anyone who isn’t an able bodied heterosexual white Christian conservative male]

I am pretty even tempered but the way Buc-ee's is spelled enrages me

When the tell-all books about this administration inevitably come out, we'll see that things are even more corrupt, evil and staggeringly stupid than we could possibly have imagined

PICTURED: an easy guide on who gutted the Voting Rights Act

Life is hard. I recommend going outside at dog walking o'clock. Just saw a German Shepherd puppy and a Golden Retriever puppy!!

Young people will never know the joy of putting a cassette tape into a doll's chest

“I’m not even lying,” they lied