I'll fix it in post, I say about my life

I always act like the cat that ate the canary. It keeps them guessing.

just realized that at my age I will be tired for the rest of my life

“This country is not your friend,” I told my kids for the first time today.

One day I'll probably look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

I've been making a fine little mess of things in the same way they do prescribed burns on forests that need healthy regrowth

It's pretty apt that there's a single r in 'loner'.

I'm not sure why some people become so mean when they drink alcohol. When I get drunk all I want to do is get naked & eat tacos.

Prove you’re human (if you’re an ICE agent don’t bother with this exercise)

hey pigs don’t speak latin we’ve been lied to

I would like to have sex again one day but I would not like to use this body to do it.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art not as hot

being the best friend that I can be (bringing an Italian party sub to the hospital after my friend gives birth)

A thing about me is I would rather die than pay to promote a post on linkedin

bari weiss is blocking 60 minutes’ report into the latest epstein files release until they have a new, on-the-record interview with jeffrey epstein

in the absence of electricity, water, and internet, we became very interested in birds

BREAKING: The Worst People You Know Are Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much Worse Than You Know

Before your next gynaecological appointment or visit with the proctologist why not pop a ‘Made in China’ tag up there, just for shits and giggles.

*clears throat, taps mic* Attention all, uhh, most. We made it. January is over.

Snuggled down in bed with the cats. Don’t plan to stray far from here til Tuesday. I like how it’s been coldest on my days off & I’ve not had to go out in it.

Hope to go to Paris someday so I can eat at the restaurant where that rat cooks.

Her: "Would you still love me if I was a [incomprehensible gargling sound followed by a loud otherworldly screech]?"

*grinding up my morning meds with the coffee beans to save time*

In general the people who have the least, give the most.

The best way to entertain bored toddlers is by filling an old cigar tube with angry murder hornets and you have a fun rattle that will entertain them for hours. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

The best thing about posting about cats and dogs is all the gorgeous pics of cuddly, kissable floofs and pooches in the replies.

it's just me and my laughable lack of sleep against the world

Me: Well. Here we are again, it seems. What do you have to say for yourself? Monday:

Playing pinball in a bustling arcade is probably the most fun you can have with your pants off

Has anyone called Bovino a Nazi leprechaun yet?

Charlie XCX is short for Kiss Charlotte Emma Aitchison Kiss.

Everything I’ve learned about Jelly Roll has been against my wishes.

I like boobies so much I’m growing my own.

I'd rather be talking about the mysteries of the universe than thinking about the stupidity of this world.

This day in history. 1933. The Nazi era began with the appointment of Adolf Hitler as German chancellor. I'm sure the ballroom will be finished in time for the centennial.

might fuck around and wear my house pants at work since nothing matters anymore

I like to make house guests uncomfortable by not clearing the unused time on my microwave

We live on a 4.5 billion-year-old rock that's traveling 67,000 mph through space but I'm sure your latte is "the most amazing thing ever."

"The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." George Orwell, Minneapolis, 2026

I drive a small car so people will think I’m undercompensating for something when I speed through the parking lot

Next they'll be telling us Jesus didn't mean "all people"

When introducing new folk to my now grown-up kids I’ll tell them how much of a shame it is that they didn’t get to meet them when they were younger and still sweet.

Of all the children, Japanese ghost children are by far the most terrifying.

Nothing is impossible (which is how I manage to achieve the impossible every single day).

I hate fighting my kids for the leftover pizza. I mean I always win, but it’s not a great look for a dad and last time it nearly got me barred from the local Pizza Hut.

You look like someone who would pin somebody else's feed.