I'm trusting you guys not to steal my idea but square sausages would never roll off a BBQ

subwoofers are subtitles as dictated by dogs this interview is over

in space no one can kill your dreams

Doubling down on cringe because it's still lent.

My youngest daughter just told me that her lady-willy hurt and I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that information. Or why a 27 year old would even talk like that, come to think of it.

A chap just arrived at the office to descale all the urinals and entirely unrelated but I suddenly realise that maybe my life really isn't so bad after all.

They say that the universe is slowing down as it gets older. You and me both, universe, you and me both.

I would very much enjoy deep breathing some rubber cement right about now.

I would love to touch you in your loneliness.

Ever have to leave in order to rescue yourself?

Hey guys, anybody else out there feel that the world was never meant to be on fucking fire for this long, and it's no wonder that no one is really doing okay?

Do your humans ever reward you with ice cubes in your water dish?

Tomorrow would be a good day for something fun to happen.

I've been paying attention to your lack of attention and now I’m fucking broke

I'd like to be light and airy, but my mind weighs heavy and I often sink like a stone.

*quietly beatboxing as the sales assistant cuts me out of a pair of skinny jeans

The most beautiful creatures in the world are often the most venomous. That’s why I don’t trust any of you.

JOB INTERVIEWER: What are your greatest weaknesses? ME: Kindness and empathy.

I stopped giving a shit what you hate 3 internets ago.

Radically accepting that therapy can only do so much. Some of us need an exorcism.

Maybe they're not losing their mind. Just finally speaking it.

Remember when I said it could get worse? Yeah, I undersold it

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

Existing is exhausting

I thought it was an escape hatch but it turned out to be a Pringles can

Deciding on who’s gonna be your go to patsy for whenever you fuck up at work is the first step on the management ladder.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

this everything bagel needs more Xanax

Shout-out to barely existing

we used to use the internet as an escape. now we can’t escape the internet

i saw a van that said, "bob's garage door opener service" people are so weird... just use one of those little remotes like everyone else

Explain it to me like I'm not here.

I've tried way too hard to understand everything that doesn't make sense.

Bed. It's what's for dinner.

I have so many more thoughts than I share here or anywhere. You're welcome.

I want to be a medium to large sized dog so I can wreak havoc on the coffee table by just walking by and pretend I don't even notice.

Watching an old episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and I have to say, goddammit, I miss Obama.

Just in case.

you can just pick up an Oscar at any gift shop in Hollywood. hell, get them all. nobody can stop you. be ungovernable.

BREAKING: Trump Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth Actually Spent Billions on Treatment For Crabs, Not Crab Legs as Previously Reported

BREAKING: In Final Act, Chuck Norris Defeats Chuck Norris

Some of you never "Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i" and it shows

co-worker: can't come in to work, i've got food poisoning me: can i get that recipe or

Me: I knew this choice was gonna bite me in the arse but I made it anyway. This would haunt me for years to come. Or at least until the end of the day. Also me: *trying to ignore my 'but they're comfy' socks getting slowly dragged down into the back of my doc boots and bunching up at the heels*

Me: *about to hit like* Them: SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON!! Me: *hand hovering and then pulling away* No... no, I don't think I will.

just watched a woman fail at parallel parking her tesla in a huge spot. over. and over. and over. never even thought to pull out my phone

No one cooks umber right

Schrödinger's advice

It's entirely within the spirit of the times that the first photo of the Baywatch reboot is of the star adjusting her falsies.