“Are you certain it will work? It looks like a hot tub.” - 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦, H.G. Wells, 1895

Being alive right now is trying to balance “I want to stay informed” with “this is actively destroying my mental health”

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

Found a faded five dollar bill in the pocket of my jeans so yes I'm guilty of money laundering.

me: how about a little nutmeg? meg:

*passes scrambled eggs into your mouth while we kiss

I was gonna go see the new Avatar, but I’ll probably just use a belt sander to take all the skin off of my skull instead.

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

I really resent the pressure we're all under to maintain a life of normalcy and acceptance when accountability is completely non-existent.

Anything you can do, I can do louder.

Alcohol may not solve all life’s problems but conducting an in-depth investigation just to be sure is a hill I’m prepared to die on.

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

Imagine being Waldo’s wife. He takes you on all these exotic vacations only to disappear the second you turn around.

they were hanging out with epstein for the articles

oh no i posted today’s jokes yesterday

i wish a motherfucker would (have a lovely day)

Oh mighty Stand Mixer, where are you in my hour of knead?

there’s not enough alcohol in this water

FYI, this is my profile pic year round.

Wine me. Sixty-nine me. No need to dine me.

My wife said the other wives were impressed that I was responsible for getting the kids’ Xmas gifts.. and that we have weekly family discussions at brunch to talk about the calendar, etc. Like, is the bar that low or is my wife’s church book club members all married to a bunch of dummies?

Strapping a roomba to each foot and vacuuming off into the sunset.

(sobbing at an NBA game) “sorry it’s just…. I lost my best friend to a t-shirt cannon”

By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?

Sometimes I get annoyed when my wife scrolls during one of our shows but then I find myself grateful that she doesn't do it during sex.....yet.

Sexy ai chat bots not in your area want you to hallucinate with them.

The system that created Epstein, protected him, and let him thrive for decades, still exists. His market of powerful monsters still exists, and they're still being protected. There is definitely, right now, someone serving the same role he did, being protected the same way by the same people.

We can put a man on the moon but we can't have quiet leaf blowers?

my bluesky wrapped just says “touch grass”??

just snapped out of a year long fugue state, hope i didn’t post anything on the internet

moving piles of crap from one room to another (organizing)

Trusting politicians to do the right thing is like trusting me not to eat all the donuts.

I stop from texting my friends while driving, by not having any friends.

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

I’m more enraged than outraged.

I didn’t logon for 19 hours and no one called the cops to check on me??

it would make me feel better if I had a pamphlet available on hand to give to people I am meeting for the first time that has a bullet point explanation of the strange behaviors they are about to witness

adding “excels at sobbing while consuming holiday pastries” to my resume

cracking my ankles at you to signal my availability for some awkward middle aged sex type stuff

stage fright is for beginners be terrified everywhere all the time

I'm just a girl asking if it's okay to go sleepies at 9pm on a saturday

Don't call it the restroom if you don't want me taking naps in there

I meant well. I think it was on a Thursday in 1978.

"I'm glad I grew up in the 70s." "You grew up in the 60s." "Oh. Bummer."

A sentimental journey to someplace new.

this Christmas season it's important to recognize that Joseph, Mary and Jesus were on the run from the feds

memorial means you're dead, charlie brown

Me: I can light a joint in a snow squall Interviewer: I mean skills for this job Me: yes