BREAKING: Study Shows That People Who Say Social Media is Harmful Are Also Responsible For Why Social Media is Harmful

Revenge is a dish best served slathered in 4 different cheeses, because any dish is better when it’s served slathered in 4 different cheeses.

Only inconsiderate assholes wait until the day before the 4th of July to call their veterinarian to request gabapentin & traz for their pets fireworks anxiety Only inconsiderate assholes set off fireworks any day of the year other than the Fourth of July. I said what I said

When someone upsets you and you get that flash of anger remember to maintain the high ground. It's easier to hit them with rocks from there.

*from inside a coffin WELL YOU SAID SLIDE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE

First day as a detective: why would someone try to make toast in the bathtub? And where is the bread?

Me to me, passing by a bakery: ooh you're in danger, girl

A social media app that does not allow a lie to be posted and if you try again it shocks you

I'd like my obituary to include a scavenger hunt to find my body

“He’s a keeper,” I tell myself as I bury him in the back yard.

me, getting more unhinged by the day: it’s called exponential growth look it up

When I was a kid there was a bar in town called The Shoals and I always imagined it was a dimly lit place where lobstermen sat at uneven tables and spoke of their encounters with mermaids

I'm at this weird place in my life right now where I'm running naked through Applebee's

If they have one of those safety bars in the hotel shower and you don't pretend you're a naked wet ballerina, you’re not me.

I’m no therapist, but maybe you should stop gauging how much you love someone by how many mental breakdowns they make you have.

What’s it called when you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and instead of falling back to sleep, you order stuff from TikTok shop and don’t remember it until you get a package? Because I have that.

her: do that thing I like me: *suffers in silence*

"It's finger day," I say, raising my middle fingers to the guy at the gym who didn't wipe his sweat off of the machine

I was raised to butter things.

*yelling from the top of a water slide HEY MA! I HAVE CHLAMYDIA AGAIN!!!

Life got you down? There’s a nap for that.

Apparently, I talk to loud, and now I am only allowed to whisper throughout the house. WHICH I AM WILLING TO GIVE A TRY!

My favorite exercise is walking past a gym. Feeling guilty, lazy, and fat. Why did they have to put a Planet Fitness next to my liquor store?

Here’s a picture of me with the lights off. Am I pretty?

If it turns out that there is a heaven and hell, I'm screwed. I owe people money in both places.

*jumps for joy* *joy just out of reach*

Some days she was upbeat and playful Callie, and on other days she was sad and melon Callie.

Wellsir, this climate isn’t gonna change itself

My body is still a wonderland. I wonder every day what the fuck is happening to it.

I volunteered to be a chaperone at the high school senior prom. My job is to confiscate any alcohol and drugs snuck in by the other chaperones.

ME: Why did they call it the endocrine system and not the secrete service SURGEON: How are you still even awake?

Knife to speak with you. Let's catch up again spoon.

One time I received the devastating news that my favorite sausage factory burned down, and no this isn’t a euphemism, and yes, it’s a true story.

I'm depressed, but not "willingly marrying Donald Trump Jr" depressed

Life Hack: Know how to do things well

death by a thousand convenience fees

[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

Not everyone has a really great mother. The story for others is quite another. Tough for you, your sister, and for your brother? Raised by wolves or singer JD Souther? Have a Sunday like ice cream that chocolate has smothered.

must be a thing with that breed/colour of cat... Gizmo was exactly the same when i got her she prepared to let me live with her as long as the food cuddles and the bed are at her disposal, but the rest of the world can go fuck itself.

I will seduce you through the ancient art of hating what you hate.

I’m a hard working lazy person.

I’ve held doors open for people I should’ve pushed off a cliff

Make more time for the people who at least meet you halfway

But enough about me... Tell me about your dog.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to tell everyone to go fuck themselves and I rescued a cat who wants the same thing

These two Mourning Doves at my feeder cam look like they just rang my doorbell because Tony Soprano sent them to collect a debt I owe.

been a while since someone talked about gleeking

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

I swear to god if i see another fucking person posting with a pic of their cat or dog i will like it and possibly leave a delightful reply

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline