Not everyone has a really great mother. The story for others is quite another. Tough for you, your sister, and for your brother? Raised by wolves or singer JD Souther? Have a Sunday like ice cream that chocolate has smothered.

must be a thing with that breed/colour of cat... Gizmo was exactly the same when i got her she prepared to let me live with her as long as the food cuddles and the bed are at her disposal, but the rest of the world can go fuck itself.

I will seduce you through the ancient art of hating what you hate.

I’m a hard working lazy person.

I’ve held doors open for people I should’ve pushed off a cliff

Make more time for the people who at least meet you halfway

But enough about me... Tell me about your dog.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to tell everyone to go fuck themselves and I rescued a cat who wants the same thing

These two Mourning Doves at my feeder cam look like they just rang my doorbell because Tony Soprano sent them to collect a debt I owe.

been a while since someone talked about gleeking

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

I swear to god if i see another fucking person posting with a pic of their cat or dog i will like it and possibly leave a delightful reply

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

I know some of you from the old country* *Twitter

Monday Mood

A new Star Wars series about a shady Sith lawyer will be titled Better Call Maul.

if you love it so much why don’t you marry juana

I don't smoke weed so I celebrated 4/20 by inhaling an entire bag of Cheetos and a sleeve of Oreos

😃Are 🫵you🫵 smiling yet?

thank you to the glorious @margaretgracemills.bsky.social for purchasing and modeling my Trans Lives Matter shirt - 100% of the profits from every sale go to the Trevor Project and the National Transgender Center For Equality, so if you wanna be as cool as Margaret GET ONE NOW I HAVE SPOKEN

every night I like to play a game called How Many Sad Things Will Make Me Cry Tonight. I win every time

In all the lessons in school about drugs and peer pressure, they never taught us about Girl Scout Cookie time.

FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER THE MOON: *looks up* holy shit what the fuck is that

The sheep have me surrounded. They demand I count them. Multiple times if needed.

Being added unwillingly to a group chat is a human rights violation.

Damn girl, are you the moon? Because you're beautiful and mysterious and hostile to all forms of life

Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you might hit a SpaceX rocket

in space nobody can hear ice cream

My favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus rose from the dead and Daryl shot him in the head with his cross bow

Life’s too short for social media. Find a hole in the fence. Sprint free like a delirious zoo animal.

ATTENTION: just added a new design to my shop; 100% of the profits will be donated to: • National Center for Transgender Equality • National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network • It Gets Better • The Trans Lifeline GET YOURS NOW I HAVE SPOKEN bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/the-...

If I’ve learned anything from TikTok, it’s those psychic tarot card readers are full of shit

who called it pasta water and not spaghettea

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street's.

Hot yoga Except it’s just me laying on a heating pad

Those transition years between being cool and being cringe

I ate a stale, three day old donut. I don’t regret it. I feel ashamed, but I don’t regret it.

just typed taco instead of taxi and realized i could have invented doordash

You only pronounce “phlegm” correctly when you have some.

Remember when water was the only brand of water?

who are we canceling next? i hate them already

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

I'm not saying I have serial killer tendencies, but I’ve been known to randomly peel family stick figures off of car windows

My account is basically a time capsule

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably

Me and my dog used to talk about our balls a lot. “You’ve got balls and I’ve got balls too,” he’d say. “We’ve both got balls!” I miss him so much.

from the archives, because they are: youtu.be/C-2BrzudMQw?...

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie