Life’s too short for social media. Find a hole in the fence. Sprint free like a delirious zoo animal.

ATTENTION: just added a new design to my shop; 100% of the profits will be donated to: • National Center for Transgender Equality • National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network • It Gets Better • The Trans Lifeline GET YOURS NOW I HAVE SPOKEN bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/the-...

If I’ve learned anything from TikTok, it’s those psychic tarot card readers are full of shit

who called it pasta water and not spaghettea

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street's.

Hot yoga Except it’s just me laying on a heating pad

Those transition years between being cool and being cringe

I ate a stale, three day old donut. I don’t regret it. I feel ashamed, but I don’t regret it.

just typed taco instead of taxi and realized i could have invented doordash

You only pronounce “phlegm” correctly when you have some.

Remember when water was the only brand of water?

who are we canceling next? i hate them already

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

I'm not saying I have serial killer tendencies, but I’ve been known to randomly peel family stick figures off of car windows

My account is basically a time capsule

Whenever a woman flirts with me, my bowtie spins uncontrollably

Me and my dog used to talk about our balls a lot. “You’ve got balls and I’ve got balls too,” he’d say. “We’ve both got balls!” I miss him so much.

from the archives, because they are: youtu.be/C-2BrzudMQw?...

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

quit smoking weed last week and just realized that “remembering shit” isn’t a superpower

I don't like your attitude, people with good attitudes.

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

women: (on international women's day) finally a day for me men: (on the same day) BABE I CAN'T FIND MY HOUR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY HOUR, I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE

you should eat healthier but also a salad costs $40 now

I have children I’m used to my texts being ignored

so much ignorance, so little bliss

And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.

My new rescue cat is so smart

interviewer: can I get your references? me: *sighing* probably not; nobody else does

If you mail some teeth to the courthouse, they'll excuse you from jury duty

Just FYI- None of you are in my will.

What the hell time is it even anyway

me: I wish there was an extra nugget in this six pack genie: that was your third wish, what the fuck is wrong with you

Me, as a kid: *used to drink water out of a hose Me, as an adult: *refuses to drink unfiltered water

one less hour on international women’s day for me to be wrong about something

The frozen pizza is marked that it's best before December 1st. I better make it now and not take any chances.

I thought there was no way my wife and I could get a table on Valentine’s Day without a reservation, but the server at Arby’s said we could sit anywhere.

My mom knows a better way to get there in case your uber driver needs any help

kinda sucks that there's only one day a year it's acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

If a man isn’t treating you right, you should ghost him, and buy that I mean unleash a terrifying spectral spirt to torment him day and night

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have SCOOBY DOO: rabies SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Already tired of 2026.

And they say protesters are paid…

stage fright is for beginners be terrified everywhere all the time

[hour two at the gym] heheh ima give the strongest hugs