be a cactus: stand tall, be strong, and do harm to anyone who tries to touch you without your consent

I don’t even know what teams are playing in the Super Bowl

Anyone placing bets on how much Tylenol Melania took?

Sharing political AI memes doesn’t make you clever. It makes you the other thing.

So, good news! I got to hold a puppy today!

money can't buy happiness but poverty sure as fuck can't either

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

I was really motivated for about thirty minutes there

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

men who think they look sexy in their socks and underwear are 100% wrong

When you see your old Twitter friends have finally joined Bluesky:

America needs a hard reboot.

😹💯

So… what’s everyone wearing to the Rapture?

For the record, I never took Tylenol when I was pregnant and my child has Autism. People who are not doctors shouldn’t give medical advice

Breaking news- A man who can’t even pronounce acetaminophen advises pregnant women not to take it because it can cause Autism

I actually come from long line of dead people

When you get to a point in your life where you realize you have more yesterdays behind you than tomorrows left, you start to prioritize how you want to spend those tomorrows & who you want to spend them with. Let go of the toxicity whether it’s a person or job situation & do what makes you happy

I'm not saying I'm dumb but nobody ever tells me "that's a great question"

hate it when i stand up too quickly and i get dizzy and society collapses

I noticed you didn’t RSVP to my goldfish’s celebration of life.

Him: I'm attracted to smart women Me, trying to impress: My neurologists thinks I have a pretty brain

what’s the worst that could happen besides all of the worst things

Once you accept, truly in your heart, that the laundry is never done, then you will know peace.

Remember when we had to carry around our flip phones AND a digital camera? My god we were like pack mules

I’m in the second half of the movie Goodfellas part of my life.

Apparently I don’t meet the height requirement for people to take my rage seriously

What in the Kentucky Fried Hillbilly Hell is this?!?

My family crest is just a big pile of dirty laundry.

My daughter would like everyone to know that it was DEFINITELY NOT her who put a bra on the cat.

People who say “I was just thinking out loud”- For fucks sake, don’t do that. Stuff that garbage back into your own head where it belongs.

I sent you a death threat with words cut out of magazines. Please respond

I, for one, am happy to have a President with the courage and conviction to bravely take on America’s most dangerous threats: Taylor Swift & Bruce Springsteen

Get those goddamn black jelly beans out of my face you weirdo.

in a world of fondue I am a fondont.

I'm a sympath - the same thing happened to me but worse

The job interview was going great until my parrot started insulting the hiring manager.

ATTENTION: my new online store is now open! this will be my new go-to for all merchandise going forward. two designs are available NOW for clothing, posters, stickers, and more - check it out at the link below SHARE WITH OTHERS AND GET THE WORD OUT I HAVE SPOKEN bornmiserable.threadless.com

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

Make sure your children eat all of their candy before unleashing them on the public today.

I get it ham, I’m spiraling too

If Katy Perry is an astronaut then I’m Jesus because I rose up before noon on Easter

“What’s that?” "It’s a therapy cat.” "It looks like a chihuahua." "That’s why the therapy.”

Looks like I picked the wrong time to unclench my jaw.

I can’t wait for our next pandemic

I sleep with a tin of altoids under my pillow in case someone breaks in and tries to kiss me

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

Actually, your email finds me eating a rotisserie chicken with my bare hands at 4am.

Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

Who's the patron saint of functional alcoholism?