And they say protesters are paid…

stage fright is for beginners be terrified everywhere all the time

[hour two at the gym] heheh ima give the strongest hugs

So desperate for hope just seeing an evil, little man kicked to the curb brings ridiculous joy.

There’s never been a better time to celebrate your weird

Friday night, let’s do this! *goes to bed*

When I was young and single, I used to buy all my snowstorm supplies at the local liquor store.

I just caught my cat up on some of the things going on in the human world. She didn’t comment, but I get it. It’s a lot to process.

If I eat nothing but 25¢ ramen for the foreseeable future, I’ll still be flat broke until the day I die.

What sucks about being “the strong one,” is eventually, people stop asking if you’re okay, because they assume you always will be.

An escape room, but we just lock kids in a library and they have to use the Dewey decimal system to find their way out.

Everything is terrible but you don't have to be.

I feel pretty good as long as I avoid thinking about anything

"I use this crystal for protection." *shows you the brick in my handbag*

These days, when people talk about an "O-face," they're referring to Ozempic.

You probably think you know me but you don’t.

At this point, I’m 98% despair.

I was really betting on that asteroid

The need to be seen and the horror of being seen all at the same time.

Sorry I ruined your misconception of me by being myself

Her: What are you wearing? Me: The soul crushing weight of years and years of shame and self-loathing.

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

some people really took to heart all the "never change" messages they got in their junior high yearbook

Die a young hipster or live to see your favorite songs turned into cheesy commercial jingles.

You deserve to be spoken to with a high pitched whiney voice

The important thing is to be hated by the right people

couldn’t find the shoes I was looking for because they were on my feet, a new personal best

ME: Can you come back later? THEM: Why, are you busy now? ME: No, it's just that I won't be here later.

is it over yet?

Sitting on the toilet staring at the weather app on your phone is the new going outside.

Her: Will you please take that stupid bathrobe off? Me: It’s not a bathrobe, it’s a wizard’s robe. Her: You’re not magic, Ben. Me: Watch me make my job disappear.

Becoming an expert at being disgusted

Hell is full of the people who touch you when they talk.

People who say to me, "forget everything I said," don't realize that I probably wasn't listening anyway.

SUPERMAN: I have super strength FLASH: I have super speed AQUAMAN: I control sea creatures GREEN ARROW: I tell cars when to turn left

Right if anyone asks, I was on here all night.

*flicks cigarette butt after taking a long drag* here’s the thing- [there is a massive explosion because i forgot i’m at a gas station]

Wait, FTW means "For The Win" and not "Fuck The World"?? What's next? Are you gonna tell me LMAO doesn't stand for "Leave Me Alone, Ogre"?

At the dog park commiserating with the pugs about our sleep apnea

Toto, I don’t think we’re in America anymore

I’m looking at you 2026…

thank you for your beautiful Christmas card which I have given a full 8 minutes before turning into a makeshift coaster

a murderer goes to murder me but with each stab i strategically move my body so that he hits several acupuncture points, making me feel amazing

My kid’s gonna teach me how to do Microsoft Excel so I can finally figure out who’s zoomin’ who

Head of lettuce sounds like a big responsibility.

“Smile more” is next www.expressnews.com/news/texas/a...

loving that stevie nicks is getting a resurgence of young fans on socials so i’m definitely getting older.

Kinda wish time travel was real because then I'd just go back in time and get a really nice stereo and all the records I used to want from this one old record and music store in my old hometown. They had everything and I didn't even appreciate it back then.

At what point did being completely wrong start counting as an “opinion”? Claiming vaccines cause autism isn’t an opinion. It’s utter bullshit. And then they say, “Well, that’s my opinion, you have to respect it.” No. I don’t have to respect stupidity. Fuck off.

“omg gloves made out of paper towels” -me, stoned and eating chicken wings