a charcuterie board of various grievances

Shits getting serious around here

it’s ok tomorrow will be different lolz

I've been purposely trying to forget my troubles, but then when someone asks how I am, I say "awful" and can't remember why.

A massage isn’t enough. Take my muscles from my body and put them in a taffy pulling machine for three hours.

I figure in a few years I’ll be guarding a bridge and asking my riddles three…

I know you want to be friends, but walking circles around my house is not the way to win me over

They should have laser tag in IKEA at night… make it dark, it would be awesome

‪If you thought you noticed me running faster and jumping higher today, you were correct, I got new shoelaces. ‬

Today might be a good day to head for a hike and, once you’re a few miles down the trail, muster up a solid bellow. The birds won‘t mind.

*leaving a negative Yelp review* “And furthermore, I didn’t see one pink pony.”

you know the guy who came up with ASAP was unbearable to be around

Researching for the work week: "How To Deal With Normals" Artist - Emi Boz

Woke up and chose passive-aggressive. Maybe I can explain that to you when you find the time

I recently became the proud owner of a 4-slice toaster and I expect you all to treat me as such

If you’re exposed to radiation the best thing to do is bite people so they gain powers

The airline pilot at the next urinal didn't wash his hands after and now my life is in his filthy mitts

I’m not saying it’s the wrong description. I guess I just wish you wouldn’t call it a soap loaf.

i used to think the lyric was ‘i wanna rock and roll all night / and part of every day’ and i remember thinking, honestly that sounds reasonable

I have to do an errand that I’ve been putting off for three days. Once I arrive there, the errand will take less than five minutes. But errands are contagious and I know if I accomplish that errand I will have to do several others.

I’m not stupid, but I was maybe 35 years old when I figured out that pickles are made from cucumbers.

We get pretty excited about epsom salt around here

People used to run away and join the circus, but now, thanks to modern advancements, the circus is all around us all the damn time

All journey. No destination.

Approaching 50, I'm suddenly fascinated by the history and utility of boxes. Like, who made the first box ever?

*walks out of the woods in the mall parking lot* “I can cut your hair.”

Whoa there cul-de-sac cowboy in your big ol' shiny truck. Are you ridin' to Dunks to round up some donuts with sprinkles?

Rainy day leaky house making cookies

years from now when they're old and grey the lads will hear the opening notes of the album graceland (1986) and think briefly, without any logic to it, "oh, mom is cleaning the kitchen"

I witnessed a scene that shook me to my core today. I need to share it in its full, gruesome detail. I went to a cafe for lunch, and as I was queuing to pay for the meal the woman in front of me was told hers came to $21. She handed over a $50 note, then looked in her purse for a $1 coin. ...

Tbh if u ever need to restore self confidence just go put on eyeliner while wearing a robe of some kind

Not now bitches. I’m making burritos out of leftovers for me and the kid.

When something I have breaks, a part of me goes to immediate acceptance that it is going to be like that forever. Whelp, it was nice having a trunk I guess.

I’ve had what can only be described as “quite a bit” of gelato today

Since I was out (car was sure dusty for having not left the garage!)

One time I used the word "less" in a post when it should have been "fewer" and I've never been larger ashamed.

Oh no, it’s swiss cheese in a tiny bowl snack time.

me, as a therapist: omg samesies

Repost with an iconic fictional band

This is a @mardigroan.bsky.social appreciation post. If you aren't following him, then you should be. He's a seriously funny, cool, and nice guy, which is a rarity these days.

I think we need to stop calling it empathy and go back to calling it decency. It isn't a favour you're doing someone else, it's you proving that you aren't a fucking ghoul

My rain poncho has a kind of otherworldly feel to it, and doesn't work.

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

paid $1200 for the amazing camera on this phone so i could take pictures of the products at the supermarket and check with my wife if i'm buying the right thing and then keep the photo for 4 years.

Conquer the world? Buddy, I’m lucky if I can get out of bed two days in a row.

When it comes to gingerbread houses, it’s all well and fine until you get to the roof.

there's an owl literally hooting outside, predictable much???

Sure I like you, but I also like sturdy trash bags and cowlicks

Nice commercial. I’d like to see the ground crew that could get 25 people’s sparklers lit in time for the bride and groom to walk out.

Attempting to make a contribution to the weekly staff meeting by scrambling wildly up the curtains like a cat.