Watching someone of limited patience untangle a mass of lights is very satisfying.

I sometimes imagine my Grandmother Roberta (Bobbi) in the great beyond carrying a lightning bolt in her handbag which she would nonchalantly & accurately throw at whatever/whomever if I really needed her to.

are there any goody one shoes

Gonna break into your house, toast all your bread, and put it back in the bag.

do you want to go catch fireflies

recipe for flourless brownies, actually no-bake flourless brownies, actually instant no ingredients brownies, actually can make while driving a car brownies

Here is a video of a frozen creek that had begun to thaw, and the water was flowing beneath the thin ice on top. I took this because it was soothing and wonderfully bloopy and I wanted to listen to it for hours. You are all welcome to enjoy it, too. Let your brain settle here and rest for a moment.

Not trying to help the shower spider but not trying to drown it either

Celebrity death match and it's a stromboli vs a calzone

If you’re walking a mile in my shoes pick me up some cheese, milk, & cat treats from the store.

what is it called when you're too self aware? that's anxiety isn't it, mate?

I bit my cheek, which is fine cause I was planning on being really angry today anyway.

couple weeks ago a guy asked me if he was a jerk sometimes and i am still following up with examples don't ask me for help if you don't want it

Went to the eye doctor and they dilated my eyes. Now I’m driving to work like a Beanie Boo behind the wheel.

Spending the next year commenting, "who's watching this in 2026" on every YouTube video.

every seat in a movie theater should have an "I have to pee" button and if enough people press it they should be able to pause the movie

I have, on more than one occasion, been accused of making intentionally awful posts. I assure you, this is me trying my best.

Lost an eye AND LOVING IT

Cop: do you know why i followed you? Me: i think so, but you go first

Honestly, I got too into working on this. It involved a rich lady in a fur coat, throwing me just enough scraps to get by while she yelled Be professional.

2026 stole my sparkle

The shit that comes easy is what's holding you back.

I have achieved all of my resolutions. So easy.

Can't. Having irrationally strong emotional responses to everyday things.

Hey guys, I found our fight song!

Is that ray even of hope, bro?

Summer? Winter? Why not both at once!

If you want to be jolted into a better mood: step into a family-owned Italian market. Orecchiette! Blood curses! Pelted by cookies! Told you look like a movie star! Yelled at by the sausage guy! Equal parts lore & joy.

I bought this in a junk shop today for $2 and now realize I will own it forever and will it to my children because I’m afraid.

Narrowly escaped a store’s demo massage chair, which was apparently set to boa constrictor

I bought a peloton bike, but all it plays is old episodes of Alf.

It’s returned undeliverable Christmas card season

It’s very rude to interrupt me when I’m procrastinating.

AWW. The ghost in my house just asked me where the lactaid was ❤️

husband has left for a work trip and I'm immediately doing unhinged wife shit* *charging a laptop on the ground next to an outlet that never gets used** **posting about it

back in my day, beans used to be cool

Good intentions floating around like a bandaid in a hot tub.

One of those moods where I want to see a freshly forged, still-molten & scarlet, sword put into an ancient stone cistern, full of fresh water, to cool.

Those are my emotional support very bad habits

bro did you seriously not heed the teachings of yore

Why did you make me watch sports? Now I just feel bad for those other kids.

i feel bad for my sweet friend, sean, who texted, “how’s it going?” and i told him

A star shaped paperclip is more fun in theory than in practice.

You’ll survive, but you’ll be funnier in a way that worries people

One day you’re young and wild, and then suddenly you catch yourself enjoying a reel of a guy on the beach finding stuff with a metal detector.

Me: What does a leprechaun wear on his honeymoon? Friend: [grins] What? Me: No, I’m asking you.

Welcoming friends inside the house asking them what are we celebrating today? Just like Olive garden.

This year I'm going to focus my energy on achieving my dream aesthetic: wandering, 70s, urban legend, 'on a night like tonight', hitchhiking ghost

My favorite thing to do with time off is nothing and then when it's over I go oh no I've done nothing