hot girls eat ice chips ❤️

there should be a support group for people who thought they had more hummus 💔

🎶My milkshake brings all the boys to the farm and they’re like wait is this oatmilk? ❤️

hot girls eat ice chips ❤️

reason for cancelling your subscription: U r ghouls ❤️

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

so like back to the future 2 is just our life now? ✨

🎶 when I grow up I wanna be heinous ❤️

shut up and prance with me

Me dissociating ❤️

depresso espresso ❤️

aesthetic 💙

are u on an edible or is this just what ur like? ❤️

peanut butter and jelly and peace plz ❤️

Since you’ve been gone I can sneeze for the first time ❤️

welcome back samantha morgan

I’m baaaaaack ❤️

5/10 won’t try again. Lemonade is too blechy. 💔

my flex rn is they take my blood pressure with the hot girl sized cuff ❤️

I’m gonna try this and get an Arnold Palmer in the hospital stay tuned.

Fruitcake is the meatloaf of breads

The only thing holding me together right now is that @andyrichter.co is on dancing with the stars ❤️

My dog was not brave at the vet but I lied and told her she was

Drink Ensure Cry is the new Live Love Laugh 😎

Ok but the hospital has Comedy Central with non stop South Park so maybe I’ll be fine ❤️

GRWM to drink ensure and cry 💕

I wish you could get an Arnold Palmer in the hospital 🤔

hoping at the very least I get some good jokes and a rockin’ hot bod out of this ❤️

you can’t be both beautiful and gastrointestinally sound 💔

This how I dissociate. I'm not a brain in a 'meat mech'; I'm just a sentient Muppet.

reading a book about how to be an effective father and literally nowhere in this book does it describe how to walk behind a sofa as if you are going down a flight of stairs

who’s down for some flesh eating oysters?? ❤️

psychologically, a muppet ✨

The universal symbol for adulthood is pretending to like sparkling water. ❤️

Waiting in the reception area at the dentist, I hope they sedate me like an aggressive dog

domino pizza line core ❤️

how I feel anytime I post 4 u guys ❤️ youtu.be/iGCNBdCvzL4?...

how I feel anytime I post 4 u guys ❤️ youtu.be/iGCNBdCvzL4?...

FINE, I'll solve the Zodiac killer murders. I literally have to do everything around here.

health insurance should cover iced coffee

le sigh ❤️

They decided to make Halloween Oreos solid. Probably because the cutouts are too expensive. Man I hate getting squeezed like this 💔

no one’s more vulnerable than a man trying to carry a mattress thru a doorway ❤️

the reading glasses with the red strap from cvs ❤️

how is Jelly roll

post-anesthesia search I discovered ❤️

The original title of the book was “The Summer I Boinked Two Brothers” but a lot of ppl don’t know that ❤️