He then realized he hadn’t been in his daughter’s room in years. He tucked her in a princess castle but stood today in a 1990s Hot Topic.

No, didn’t see the email. Gary’s Outlook rules were set to automatically delete anything having “fundraiser” or “5K” in the subject line.

The deer had the bull terrier trapped. A descendant of wolves nearly done in by an herbivore. Gary rescued his friend and negotiated peace.

Not eating healthy is really paying off

Colors filled the gaps in the forest canopy. Gary reached for the rainbow, but he couldn’t taste it. And the m&ms in his hand were melting.

How far is too far to turn around after realizing you left your husband at the restaurant?

how can i word this properly: UGH

me: it’s a shame that that pillowcase is not the one you ordered you: it’s a sham me: shame you: sham me: wow {idk how to end this *SEND* 👻}

You become an adult the day you realize you've been misusing a slang word

Hey, c’mere. I made you a salad. 🦠

If I was a pigeon for the day, I’d blow their little minds by teaching them a new song to coo.

Is word salad still safe?

Put some tainted lettuce in my gas tank and my car runs really well now

I'm a people person which is why i only hunt muppets for sport

a parking lot grackle challenged me to a duel so i ran away

I sat on the ground for a few hours yesterday. My body may never recover.

Before everyone had cell phones, you could walk around all summer and push people into pools. Those were the days

*handing you a few quarters* go treat yourself to some carts at aldi’s

Guess I'll just go ahead and change the date on today's to-do list

nice joke, lol, reminds me of this unrelated political thing i can’t stop talking about

I tried to get a tiny spot off my monitor for 15 min. Y'all it was a comma

New update just dropped. Spray perfume directly on your keyboard. Scent will attach itself to your messages automatically now

My big plan for the summer is lying in the grass until a rabbit mistakes me for a tree trunk

I feel sorry for the bees that have to make hot honey.

deer sees another deer. nods . game recognize game, is what im saying

a nice scalding cup of nacho cheese to start the day

Good morning. It's Tuesday.

Stopped all unnecessary email and realized I have no friends Come back Mr ‘Your icloud storage is full you must pay now or lose everything’

Can God create a Cheeto so hot that he can't eat it?

I never imagined the practice of chugging car bombs would serve me later in life when it was time for daily Metamucil, but here we are

The thing about hiking is if I can’t see our destination from the car then I’m not going

Yeah I’m down with O.P.P.* *Ⓞriginal Ⓟan Ⓟizza

some days i’m all what the hell and then others i’m all what the fuck

Changed my phone wallpaper last night and woke up as someone new

why can’t these dumb tech bros focus on important things like wrist watches for cats so they know it’s not always time to eat

No, no, I prefer to be sedated when driving.

I'm on a vodka diet. I've lost three days already

Ants should not be in pants. Pants should be *ON* ants. Ants should wear pants. ANT PANTS!!!!!

your email finds me floating untethered in the freezing abyss of deep space waiting for my oxygen to run out

Engage relaxation mode! Following the self-ordered directive, Gary reaches over and presses the emergency button on the recliner.

I hope you're singing your favorite song to the top of your lungs. And no one can object.

Oh. A commercial break right in the middle of the TV show’s opening credits. That’s new. Great work, Amazon.

When I die, I want my brain to be removed and it replaced with a kinder egg, not the chocolate just the plastic bit with the toy inside.

i am one queso smothered chimichanga away from achieving enlightenment

Me, setting fire to another pile of clothes in the middle of the living room: "Laundry is for suckers."

I like how cats are cute but also they carry knives on their feet and mouths.

May you be so happy in your life that you don’t have to argue about how others choose to be happy.

I grew up seeing chubby little elves baking cookies in a hollow tree. They sure didn’t look like Legolas. But did he bake cookies? I don’t think so.

Every song is a song about food if you’re hungry enough In your mouth, in your mouth Bánh Mi , Bánh Mi , Bánh Mi Oo ooo ooh ooh ooh…..

the server just handed me two drink menus and no food menu yep, still got it