[Watching Sesame Street with my son] ME: In Spain, Elmo is called The Mo WIFE: *from another room* YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER

Welcome to the common cold in your forties. This is the only way to get a six pack now.

Nothing says "I have my life completely together" quite like bingeing an entire pack of orange Tic Tacs at 1 AM.

I’ve run out of teabags. For anyone that is not from the UK and wondering why this is a problem, it’s actually a criminal offense.

Oooooh, I might be falling asleep finally. I think it’s happening. Good night!

Funyuns are vegetables fucking fight me

As he lay in bed, unable to sleep, Gary began getting some pretty crazy ideas, like starting today’s Wordle.

I wanna have such a bad job interview that it goes viral on linkedin

an emu is just an ostrich that's found my chemical romance

Perhaps it was all those childhood birthday parties that contributed to his feelings of ABSOLUTE DESTRUCTIVE RAGE in the presence of piñatas.

Gross. Gary scooped the chunks out of his coffee, gave a taste, then gave up and went to the store to buy real creamer.

Friday night. Having a shrimp boil and watching Taylor Swift videos on VEVO. Gary thought this could make a good Saturday night too.

Oh, my lip gloss? Thank you, it's called "cookie monstering" an entire rotisserie chicken in my car barehanded.

I don’t rise and shine, I caffeinate and hope for the best.

how is it only Thursday wasn’t this supposed to be a short week

Reading way above my grade level didn't take me nearly as far in life as I expected.

Nearly midnight here in Indiana. You can hear the corn. Whispering conspiracies.

Then one day you wake up and you’re like, you know what? I totally respect weeds

*taps sign* pixelframe.design/the-mandalor...

10 things owning a lava lamp taught me about leadership

9pm: yawning 2:12am: time to become a scholar on uncontacted tribes

A hard taco shell makes an okay wallet in a pinch.

What a nice day outside. *punches in on time card*

[completely unsure of myself, questioning everything I've ever known] yeah that was definitely offsides

A cough drop is often the last thing in the candy dish at work but it goes. It always goes.

I’m hanging in there despite the fact that I’ve had the song from Wii playing in my head for the last 20 years

at 10,000 followers, I will release the Kraken

A grilled cheese, but with donuts

let’s drink ensure and go injure ourselves on the slip and slide

sorry for drying my hands on your house plants idk what im doing im a mess

jeez history is so crazy like i wonder how my ancestors even charged their phones

Reskeet with a favorite picture of yourself

The most elite feeling is when your blinker lines up with the beat playing in the car

“By the power of Cole Slaw!” —He-Mayonnaise

The next day… Aleve or Advil?

In this season of America’s Got Talent, Gary’s the guy who, when you’re in a hurry, can catch EVERY red light

sometimes I think I'm not very well equipped to be an adult and other times I order a burrito AND tacos from my favorite taco truck so that when I wake up the next day there's a magic leftover burrito in the fridge and I'm pretty sure I am fucking nailing this

If my kung fu was a little bit better, the drifter life would be for me

FUN FACT: I NEVER miss a movie that has "GROGU" in the title. #MustSee 👀

I dunno but I think a bologna and cheese sandwich with crushed doritos on it might fix a few of us

Me when I’m your 70th like

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re watching a storm from your porch while saying “we needed this rain.”

They should make a jeopardy show that’s just stuff I know

sending out wedding invitations that look like ransom notes

After watching spacefaring action and consuming many smuggled sweets, Gary now sets forth on his own space adventure to Planet Fitness.

Vegetables are supposed to be so good, but the ones on the discount shelf are terrible. The radishes laugh if they see you trip. The celery smokes cigarettes. A potato there once stole my purse

Those guys giving poor scores must have had their 3D glasses inside out Gary’s Movie Review The Mandalorian and Grogu (2026) FUN! 🤩 🌑🌑🌑🌑🌛 4 outta 5 Death Stars

Feeding peanuts to the ravens because I’ll need friends in the apocalypse.