Owning a pet snake isn’t for everyone. Me, for instance.

*Midnight, New Year’s Eve* … 3, 2, 1, 0 *microwave beeps, burrito achieved*

wish you were here (yearningly) -me to my package that’s still out for delivery

Walking into 2026

My look today was isolated wind gust

I'm out of coke zero and so I hate you all again

you can melt a kraft single on a pop tart it’s not illegal yet

living on the wild side* *drinking coffee after 8:30pm

all I’m saying is a lava lamp would be much better with real lava

Thin crust pizzas are great because I can eat 2 of them for dinner

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

The Dance Dance Revolution was 26 years ago and we’ve still yet to see any significant change or progress in Dance Dance Legislation.

Someone asking to share my snacks has real invasive species energy.

me for the next 4-6 weeks

You can tell a lot about a person on who their favorite Muppet is

I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. 😩

Damn it! I’ve already killed my faux fern I got for Christmas. Death by overwatering ahgainnnn!

This is my second rodeo, and I’ll be honest; I’m still not sure what is happening.

I’m not gonna say my biggest accomplishment of 2025 yet because I still have 3 more days.

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

*puts milk for Santa back in the attic*

Putting enough ranch seasoning on my popcorn to hospitalize a lesser man

Probably the worst part of being a mouse is having to act happy about sleeping in a sardine can

Don’t be alarmed by my obsessive use of 90s music references.

are you a muppet? you legally have to tell me if you are.

[while getting a sonogram] is this AI

I will forever resent the removal of the headphone jack from phones

You can tell a lot about a person based on who their favorite Muppet is.

I know you guys haven’t heard from me lately, and I’m sorry about that. I’m still alive. Still trying to hold it all together. Still looking for answers. I miss you all. www.gofundme.com/f/jennyandth...

Have you voted Book for All-Star today? 🌟 Vote Now: Suns.com/AllStar2026

They should invent a gym so we can workout where it all went wrong

Happy what day of the week is it for all those who celebrate.

hey friends, if you liked any of my work in 2025 & want to support you, the best way is to become a premium subscriber to MUTUAL! Or gift a subscription. I’m open!! mutual.substack.com/p/the-dam-is...

I like how my cat only wants to be pet in a very specific way, yet she refuses to tell me what that way is

you can learn a lot from a person's favorite muppet

Dr. Pepper for breakfast because it sounded like good medical advice

The instant coffee exceeded expectations beyond reason. Gary added it to his Diet Coke and nearly dropped a pant size before the explosion.

My car always seems a little overconfident after an oil change

Me to myself every morning: you found your glasses without your glasses on, today is your day, kihg

Good morning. PSA: today is Saturday.

Woke up with my fanny pack on again

You can learn a lot about a person based on who their favorite muppet is

My moral compass is asking myself in every situation, "would Batman approve?".

I declare Christmas over

fellow introverts, the recharge sequence will now commence

’Tis the season to vote for All-Star 🌟 🗳️ Your vote counts TRIPLE today: Suns.com/AllStar2026

One of the stressful parts of gift giving is actually wrapping your presents so here's a tutorial on how to get it done quickly and easily- 1. Measure out a reasonable size of wrapping paper 2. Nope. You goosed that so bad. It's fucked. The whole thing is fucked.

Merry christmas @goodifitgoes.bsky.social! 🎁

Merry christmas @kmicalgod.bsky.social! 🎁