His friends didn’t even recognize him, and to add insult to injury, neither did the automatic faucet after Gary already applied the soap.

every time I make a mistake at work I ask my boss “but did anyone die” and somehow that’s how I wound up VP of operations

Happy Rex Manning Day! I hope there is never a remake of this movie

Knowing full well the penalty for treason, Gary devises an elaborate plan to slip a Mentos into the president’s Diet Coke.

If you freeze an apple and then throw it hard enough you could probably keep doctors away this way too

i never feel more powerful than when autocorrect gives up. it’s like, you win, i have no clue, carry on without me.

I went to the grocery store sad (me explaining all these bags of marshmallows)

Imagining a British person calling Cookie Monster something like Biscuit Creature and just getting so mad.

If hunting Easter eggs, remember poaching is illegal

submitted for your approval, a thread of easter-themed slogans for various products/companies... HE IS GLIZZIN'

If you see it, do it Nickname: L.A. Prns: She/her Height: 5'7" Sexuality: Hetero Smokes: herb Piercings: 3 (in each ear) Tattoos: 0 Fave color: 💜 Fave alcoh drink: eh..not much of a drinker these days Non-alc: H2O, coffee, OJ Fave food: Japanese or an excellent burger Fave animal: cats and birds

If you see it, do it Nickname: G Prns: he/him Height: 2’2” Sexuality: 😈 Smokes: rarely Piercings: 0 Tattoos: 2 Fave color: 🧡 Fave alcoh drink: Porto Morgado 10-Years Non-alc: coffee Fave food: California burrito Fave animal: whale shark

butt chugging brackish water to build up immunity

Iron Man versus Ewoks

Risking snake and/or tick bite, Gary approached the outdoor task with a single goal in mind. Don’t fall into the wastewater treatment lagoon.

There are days when I just can’t even and that’s Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday.

Sorry I’ve been posting political stuff lately like thinking cilantro is one of the tastiest fresh herbs on the planet.

Friday. Gary rushes across the highway to the cross-waving crowd in hopes of catching a glimpse of the giant vampire they must be battling.

Oh, I’m nodding off. Good. Night.

a dating app but you're matched by the kindest thing you've ever done called Tender

The nooks and crannies of an English muffin are like the chambers of your heart: great place to keep pools of butter.

this is not just my chaos it is my poorly managed chaos

You see, something told Gary it was a bad idea, but nothing told Gary that he should stop.

The refrigerator stopped working. Now Gary is going to be up late eating all the food before it goes bad.

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

I think the doomsday clock people are reading our posts

omg someone’s in the backyard *puts on glasses oh it’s the bird feeder

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno! (Gave birth to an entire pizza.)

"What do you miss most rn?" Suns: 'Absolutely everything.' 🧱

SUNS WIN! Final Suns 131 (42-33) 🔥 Grizzlies 105 (25-50) #nba

EMOTIONALLY BALANCED GARY Temporarily Out of Stock

Both men’s and women’s brackets. Much March Sadness.

LOW STAKES VILLAGE PRANKS • sitting in large tree emitting seagull noises • popping out of trash can, insisting passersby have overdue library books • sneaking inside bakery to turn croissants around backwards • introducing yourself to horse you’ve known for 15 years

THEM: Do you really actually like the taste of coffee? ME: [finishing Big Gulp-sized coffee] I think so, yes.

Jobs are just Whac-A-Mole at their core. Whack the email. Whack the Teams question. Prize is just salary though, nothing cool like a stuffed rhinoceros.

SESAME STREET EXEC 1: kids love bright colours, so how about a bunch of humanoid puppets in red, green, blue, orange, yellow SESAME STREET EXEC 2: ooh what if the yellow one had a head like a banana? SESAME STREET EXEC 1: I love it, yes. banana head DIVERSITY HIRE GOTH: there should be a vampire

a bit offended these headphones don’t reach ‘live concert mode’

heavy on the percussion, please

skyrizi with an ozempic chaser, please

Really disappointed in the police, having had to phone and report a crime, they told me that my neighbour has every right to hang wind chimes in their garden as according to them “it’s not illegal”. It feels like it should be.

teaching the dog how to make an omelet has gone horribly wrong

NICKNAME CHEAT SHEET Jim = Jimothy Tom = Tomothy Pam = Pamothy Tim = Antimatter

throwing back non-alcoholic gin like the hard bitch that i am

Something to do? 🤷‍♂️

Gary’s low-carb diet was mostly just a shift in his butter-to-bread ratio

Wait. Donuts AND democracy? Okay, Gary was in.

Some species of animal have gone undiscovered for years because of how good their camouflage is, which is why I always dress like a stick before leaving the house

My boots hurt so much but I'm getting so many compliments! I don't know what to do!! 😩