final girls but with muppets: thread

flavor blasted is no longer enough for me. i want flavor WASTED. flavor DECIMATED. flavor DESTROYED

Sponsored by @garymuppet.bsky.social 🏂🏼✨

I'm giving up using turn signals for lent

I'm a terror with a glue gun. Actually, with any glue. And by terror i mean a danger to myself

Omg Guys Breakfast Cheesecake

Fit check: Still “mentally un…”

My toxic trait is thinking coffee will fix everything.

Scurvy: for when life doesn’t give you lemons.

The strap on my Fitbit broke. Is that it? Have I achieved fitness?

For Lent, I like to go around and pick up all the bad habits people dropped.

My favorite mythical creature is probably the squirrel-proof bird feeder.

Oh. Eww. Yikes. Perhaps Gary was wrong when he suggested they add cutscenes to this year’s tax preparation software

Omg it’s Monday WTF?!

Thanks for the day off SUCKAH idc about presidents

LOL Cool J

How many grams of protein are in a life threatening hug?

Meanwhile, at the local steakhouse, Gary was throwing back peanuts like he was slurping down oysters on the half-shell.

can we ride at noon? dawn is a bit early, i want to sleep in.

Time to let her know how he feels and make it official. Gary’s Valentine receives his last unused Bluesky invite code.

unintentionally walking to the beat of a song

Friday the 13th and ICE was surveilling his posts like an ex-lover before Valentine’s Day? It was a lot for Gary to think about.

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

if friday the 13th fell on the 14th this month, it would make for a very scary valentine’s day

Valentine's Day is stupid but I still accept gifts. I'm not rude.

you’re telling me, gary muppet

But things weren’t going well at all. In fact, the rescue chip Gary sent into the salsa after the first chip also failed to return intact.

Sonic doesn’t sell ice cream cones, Costco doesn’t take Mastercard, and Gary wasted his day off. It’s only 9 a.m. but that’s all he had planned.

Getting told you're being downsized hits differently when you work at the shrink-ray factory.

Invented a cool new game called: Have I already taken this pill?

Thursday. The ghost of Abraham Lincoln emerged from an old green penny and demanded Gary make waffles.

Being self employed is hard, I’m not a good boss or employee

I thought after Regina George got hit by that bus she was supposed to be nicer not become the current attorney general.

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

Switching from dark mode to plaid mode *faraway bagpipe sounds*

i simply did not realize how many kinds of skiing exist

Gary checked the calendar. Fuck. No way this was March Madness. It was February Folly at best.

It’s confusing to me that there’s no word in the English language for waking up in the middle of the night to eat ice cream

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

By including a constant rate of free fall, Gary calculates both his bank account balance and his team’s chances of an 𝐍𝐁𝐀 𝐹𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁𝓈 appearance.

When does the Swedish chef come out in this game

I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him

Let's play, how to piss someone off in under a minute..family bored games.

I saw a job posting for plant maintenance and I was like aww🌱 that would be fun, but it was for something else entirely.

No Kings includes Draft Kings

alright who's kid is selling girl scout cookies? i'm ready to buy

I accidentally crushed the entire smurf village. In my defense, I wasn't looking where I was going.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like