I have to give the missus credit. There aren't many problems she can't figure out if she has enough bungee cords.

[movie studio] ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING? TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

Rewatched ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES, which remains so cozy and funny and delightful to look at. And Raùl ❤.

Why haven’t you fallen in love with me yet? You a coward or somethin?

A hot fudge Monday (Mondae?). But too long in the microwave and now Gary was trapped in the kitchen like a mammoth in a tar pit.

Me and a new coworker were walking past each other. I saw her notice my sweater like she was gonna say something nice cuz she’s a complimenter and it’s sweater weather. So I took a glance at her sweater in case I had to respond in kind but then she didn’t and I didn’t. She’s gonna fit in fine.

Are you guys coming over for dinner or what?

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

Anytime anyone whips out their phone to show you any pic or video, blurt "I fucking LOVE Herzog's early shit. Classic, man!" as it begins. Then walk away with purpose.

Everyone’s gangster until they hear their own voice on a recording.

how it feels to live in 2025 me: *just covered in bees* this is nice

Planning a productive workday tomorrow, focused on gazing absently through the rain on the office window & intermittently clicking a mouse that is connected to nothing.

RAKING WHILE ITS SNOWING IS TRUE MIDWEST LIVING

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

The ability to distinguish between an AI picture and a real one is called art official intelligence...and send

Male pattern kindness

ngl i thought mercury would have run out of gatorade by now

become unspeakable

So of course you were right not to tell the mysteriousness that it was misbuttoned, I tend to miss the point of mysteriousness

A newly engaged neighbor asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

Had a nice can of wine at the haircuttin place today

a book about a lady named Diane who sells almonds online & calls her website Dee’s Nuts somebody write that down

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Used a person’s name for a piece of a password but now that person has died so every time I sign in it’s a tiny tribute

Looking at this recipe for mole sauce which calls for raisins (hadn’t considered it but makes sense) and animal crackers.

Weird how so many atheists have stronger Christian values than so-called Christians?.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

We need to bring physical media back in a big way. It’s great we can get what we want on digital, sure, but how am I going to organize my Blu-ray’s by genre and then alphabetically without hard copies?

Has anyone ever seen Stephen Miller in the sunlight

I used to tune out my wife when she was rambling, which was rude and disrespectful…now I say “I’ll listen to more of this later”

Plethora would be a beautiful name for quite a lot of things actually

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

I wouldn't expect a mime to point out my faults. They're not one to talk.

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

ME: If I'm honest, I've lived a pretty long life for someone who still gets mad at socks when they go on wrong. DESK GUY AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA: Ok you're all checked out and can definitely leave. ME: But I thought - DESK GUY AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA: Don't make me call the cops.

RORSCHACH: *rolls eyes* and what about this one GEORGIA OKEEFFE:

some girls are sugar and spice and everything nice, i'm nonsense and shenanigans and whatever was in Kurt Cobain's cardigans

some girls are sugar and spice and everything nice, i'm nonsense and shenanigans and whatever rhymes with shenanigans

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

the music at this mortuary is a whole vibe

I got vulnerable one time, and now I’m a “thought leader” in a cult.

i’m doing balloon animals for the party tonight hope everyone likes worms

hey,maybe we should just make a list of WHO HASN’T experienced childhood trauma

Do you ever look around and think is this shit really happening?

A pair of those swinging, little gates like in courtrooms so no one can talk to me unless I've given them permission to approach the bench.

I got 2 different kinds of chapstick today. In case you’re looking for a complete rebel.

If you have a regional accent, please never try to get rid of it. Accents tell stories.

As soon as I figure out how to be born into generational wealth it’s over for you bitches

the skeets aren’t doing it for me anymore. i need to start a cult