My husband says “Howdy” like it’s a lifestyle. Sir, you are Cuban, have only lived in Miami and Los Angeles, and own zero boots and hats. Please relax.

Ancient curse. Ten minutes before may you remember that it's a Zoom and not a phone call while you look like unshaven, unbrushed John Belushi hungover in pajamas.

dwayne johnson: how you like me now, big guy guy living under a rock: ow owowow OW

My sister and I have a deal: if I walkie talkie her from my Apple watch and say, "Hey, Siri, is the park open now?" she replies, "Sorry, but the park is closed for maintenance." If she walkie talkies me asking about the zoo, I reply that a lion escaped its cage & is on the loose.

It’s actually bad for your mental health to feel insane all the time

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

when two of your friends start hooking up and the rest of you know it’ll end in disaster

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: They should make a non alcoholic version of Blue Nun wine and call it Blue None. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

I sent my husband to the store, and he texted that they didn’t have what I sent him there for. I didn’t believe him, so he flipped his phone and had the cashier tell me they didn’t have it. Impressive move.

I’m at an age where my night guard has become my most prized possession. If the house is on fire, I’m grabbing the dog and my $400 piece of medical-grade plastic.

No, I don't have a pair of halfuroy pants nor eighthuroy pants.

Maybe if historical dramas showed how disfigured people were from what are now vaccine preventable diseases we'd have fewer anti-vaxxers

Why did they call it a protective beekeepers suit and not swarmour

JESUS: *turns water into wine* JUDAS: *from the shower* okay that DOES IT

*posts at 4am* this website is dying

I’m depressed, but not “Pam Bondi gets fired as Donald Trump’s Attorney General and still has to testify on the Epstein files” depressed

My husband and I are having a competition to see who can hide plastic eggs in the hardest spots. Loser has to cook and clean for a week. It’s been three days. He’s currently tearing the garage apart while I watch Netflix. I haven’t hidden a single egg.

My husband and I are having a competition to see who can hide plastic eggs in the hardest spots. Loser has to cook and clean for a week. It’s been three days. He’s currently tearing the garage apart while I watch Netflix. I haven’t hidden a single egg.

Them: What's stopping you from making your bed everyday? Me:

One thing Trump has successfully done is cowed a lot of people into thinking they can't call for meaningful accountability for him and his cronies because it would be "revenge" or "political" and therefore illegitimate. Absolutely essential to reject that

If I go to the store for one thing, somehow I come home with everything but that one thing.

Don’t let him distract you from the Epstein files. Stay on it. Keep talking about it.

I’ve reached the level of marriage where I don’t even need to speak. I just sigh and my husband instinctively starts apologizing for something he hasn't even thought of doing yet.

California, what the f*ck are we doing? So many Democrats are running that we could end up with two Republicans in November. Stop running just to see your name on a ballot. Step up if you have a shot, or step aside. This is not complicated.

FIRST PERSON TO HAVE AN IDEA: *lightbulb appears over their head* holy shit what the fuck is that

The best part of waking up is... nope, got nothing.

Marriage is 80% love, 20% “why are you standing so close to me while I’m doing this.”

25 of the funniest posts we’ve seen on Bluesky this week www.thepoke.com/2026/03/25/2...

I’m not saying I’m getting an airhorn for slow walkers. I’m just saying options are being explored.

I told my husband he’s not allowed to open my nightstand because his anniversary gift is in there. The truth is, I hid the last sleeve of Thin Mints in there, and I don’t wanna share.

So many great shows exist, but I’m completely obsessed with Shrinking.

my sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

As a Gen Xer, I can tell you boomers and even my own generation comparing their 20s to today’s 20-30 year-olds needs to stop. I paid $600 for a West Hollywood apartment at 23. Today it’s $3500. Burgers weren’t $20, they were $6 to $8 in a nice restaurant. Life is not comparable.

I just finished The Dinosaurs on Netflix and I loved it. The visuals are incredible and it’s really interesting seeing how dinosaurs lived, hunted, and evolved millions of years ago. If you haven’t watched it yet, you should. It’s seriously fascinating. 🦖🦕

Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*

Not to brag but I've appeared on loads of 'What's Hot, What's Not' lists and the verdict is pretty unanimous. I'm not.

me: lol wait I blinked, do it again cop taking my mugshot: no

A website for the horny bureaucrat called OnlyForms

fee-fi-fo-fum forgot to spring forward time is dumb

A normal person who'd sat down after ordering, then popped back up to go wait for their order, would have answered, "just waiting" when the barista asked, "Are you just waiting for your order or did you want to tell me something?" But of course, I said, "Beware the Ides of March" :(

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of your property, and I’m afraid you’re going to need a new flowerbed, several bushes, and you will most likely need to reseed the lawn. If you want, we can work up an estimate and get back to you.”

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Marriage is yelling "come here for a second" like it's an emergency and it's actually just a cute dog video.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

SHAKESPEARE: i need a cool name for the 15th of march SCRIBE: i have an ides SHAKESPEARE: ooh ides thats good SCRIBE: *idea SCRIBE: SCRIBE: oh wait no yeah ides

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

It took me a long time to start listening to Jimi Hendrix because I could only find recordings by The Jimi Hendrix Experience and who wants to listen to a cover band

My husband and I have a very sophisticated system for deciding who handles the “scary noise” downstairs. It’s called “who can fake being asleep the fastest.”