I stopped working out for 9127 days. Here’s what happened next…

I used to be a fucking wildman. Now I say things like, “I think it’s time we get a laminator.”

I’m at my most 40s l when I choose to stay on the line for the next available representative instead of pressing 1 to receive a call back

To get my daughter to complete a minor task I have to make it seem even easier than it actually is. To get my son to complete a minor task I have to make it seem infinitely more challenging than it actually is.

Kids really will climb into your bed, wedge themselves into a super uncomfortable position, then tell you to move.

There’s no word for it in the English language, but when your kid throws a gutterball and as they walk back dejected you look down the lane in shock as if the ball jumped out and knocked down all the pins and they know deep down that you’re lying but they desperately want to look

If you’re still shopping around for a New Year’s resolution, might I recommend that you stop sending these texts when you don’t pick up the phone?

Just grounded my kids from using electronics for the rest of the year.

When my kids start acting up in a store, we don’t make threats or beg them to stop. We start slow dancing. We make THEM beg US to stop. If they start up again, we move on to hip hop. If these kids think they’re going to out-embarrass me, guess again—I used to wear a half shirt.

Do Uno games last an eternity or are we doing something wrong? We’ve been going at it for half an hour with no end in sight.

"Wow, Santa's almost as bad at wrapping presents as you are, daddy!" - my 6 year old daughter

A smart husband knows that wrapping paper, tissue, and bows are cheap and easily acquired. A wise husband neatly folds & saves them anyway.

Christmas Eve, the Ocean's 11 of parenting.

Dammit, my kids found the Christmas presents we'd hidden in our closet! Now there's coal all over the carpet, coal on the couch, coal on the walls...

So, last night we assembled that play kitchen from Santa in our living room then I hid it in the garage, but I left out the instruction manual and my 4 year old found it this morning. I froze. She said, "Oh cool! I want this for Christmas!" and ran off. That's a yuletide win.

“Did they find something???” - my daughter, in front of the TSA agent rifling through my bag

[before kids] "Man, I'm going to be such a chill parent" [several years later] "IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE..."

My wife asked me how hard it was going to be to wrap the big art easel we got the kids for Christmas and I said that we could do it "easely." Then I repeated that we could do it "easely" again but really stretched out the word easely. Yeah, she didn't laugh either.

Now that I have young kids of my own I understand why my dad insisted we not visit him in the garage in the days leading up to Christmas. It's because kids are annoying.

I'm at a kindergarten Christmas party and when it was time for the white elephant gift exchange every single kid chose the present they brought and no one swapped. It's like they had it all planned from the beginning.

Normally my kids are quick to interrupt me during a lecture, but as I gave a sermon on paying attention to detail my daughter sat still, patiently listening to every word. After my closing remarks, I asked if she had any questions. She had but one: “Why is your shirt inside out?”

I'm praying that my kids have been stockpiling all of their best behavior for the home stretch leading up to Christmas.

“Well, that wasn’t as bad as I thought. Can we go home now?” - my son, at the end of the kickoff breakfast preceding a 2-hour ceremony

kid: look at his beard, it looks fake. is Santa fake? me: (nervously) ah, very observant…naturally the REAL Santa can’t go to *every* mall. he’s far too busy getting ready for Christmas! kid: but what about the Santa I took my picture with? me: now THAT was the REAL Santa

4 yo: I have a secret! me: what is it? 4 yo: I can't tell you me: no problem 4 yo: try to guess! me: I'll pass 4 yo: don't you want to know? me: nah 4 yo: fine, I'll tell you me: no thanks 4 yo: please! please let me tell you!

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there,” and I have not felt that level of job satisfaction since.

daughter: and this one? me: also carrots daughter: I don't like carrots me: I know [how I've kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Metalliclaus

Broken Jinglebells

Melody Signals August Glows Red (& Green :) ) Cannibal Claus Presents (Primus) Type Ho-Ho-Ho Negative

Guns & Ho Ho Hoses Santana Claus

Elves Presley

Holly Parton

Yule Know Us by the Trail of Dead

- INXmas - Van Halo - King Missiletoe - Tinsel Machine - Bough Wow Wow of Holly - Lil’ Bough Wow of Holly - Flogging Holly - Holly Hatchet - Three Wise Men at Work - Harvey Manger - Gingerbread House of Pain

The replies 👇

Top 10 Christmas Carol cover bands: - Sleigher - Awreatha Franklin - Faith No Myrrh - Nine Inch Noels - Saint Nickleback - Naughty or Nice by Nature - The Whoville - Taylor's Gift - Bon Jovial - Lil Nas Xmas

Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

"SO SANTA DOESN'T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?" - my 5 year old destroying the "naughty list" bluff is the best gift he could have given me

The perfect children's schedule is achieved not when there are no more activities to add, but when there are no activities left to take away.

Christmas becomes infinitely more difficult once your kids can read what it says on a box.

A good spouse doesn't complain about watching their partner's stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

I have to wash my hands and present them to my son for inspection before touching his books. I have to vacuum out my daughter’s backpack at least once a week. How did we raise both kids?

May God grant us the patience and politeness of my 3 year old trying to use Siri

[reading The Night Before Christmas] son: what's a kerchief? daughter: what's a clatter? son: what's a sash? daughter: what are coursers? son: what's soot? daughter: what's a peddler? son: what's a thistle? me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It's all fake. Goodnight.

My 5 year old has been carrying around a small "pet rock" for a couple of weeks now. It's usually in his pocket, so I rarely see it, but this morning when he pulled it out I noticed it was growing a few strange vines. It's not a rock, it's a potato. My son has a pet potato.

Late entry for 2025 Father of the Year: On the drive home from the chess tournament, my son and his friends discussed bringing their 1st place trophy to school on Monday. “Wait, someone might think we’re nerds!” one of them laughed. Then they all laughed. I did not say a word.

son: dad, please stop me, in front of his friends: what? I’m just saying you’ve got a lot of pizzazz!

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.