Just hear me out: His & Hers bedrooms

wife: and this is me with the kids in Hawaii...their father isn't in the picture friend: that must be so tough on you me: to be clear, I took that photo

I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.

*starts playing on phone during a show *misses important scene *rewinds way too far by mistake *gets back on phone while waiting for the scene *misses the scene again

I was explaining to my kids about inflation (no one enjoyed the conversation, not even me) and I told them that I used to buy hamburgers from this one place near my high school for 29 cents. “32 cents after tax,” I said. I have become my own grandfather.

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...

When I woke up today I never imagined that I’d soon be a single dad, that I’d be raising 2 young kids all alone, but that was before my wife made plans to go walk with a friend, before she put on a tank top, before my kids told her that she “isn’t young enough to wear that shirt”

My daughter learned about Little House on the Prarie from a friend and asked if we could watch an episode. About halfway through she turned to me and asked, “Is that what it was like?” IS THAT WHAT *WHAT* WAS LIKE?!?

My son won’t let me pack him a snack for school. Snacks are for babies, and he is not a baby. He does, however, love the “supplementary lunch” I’ve been packing in a separate container because his lunch box could not possibly hold enough food for a boy of his size and strength.

Legend says that a father drove his daughter to the shoe store, walked straight back to the clearance rack, pointed at the first pair of blue slip-ons he saw, she loved them, and in less than 5 minutes they were back in the car heading for ice cream. It’s me. I’M THE LEGEND!

It was the best of times, it was the accidentally-pushed-the-elevator-button-before-offering-to-let-your-toddler-push-it of times.

“Thank you for staying for the entirety of this children’s birthday party. As punishment, we’ll be serving pinwheel sandwiches.”

wife: please be careful with that box... you remember the bead incident narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he'd decided surprise her by organizing the closet; as fate would have it, it was he who would soon be surprised

What if I told you that one day in your late 40s you’ll be forced to fast then drink something that makes you violently shit for 24-hours before a group of doctors drug you and shove a camera up your ass and the worst part of the whole experience is the way the drink tastes?

I’m 48 years old and can still chug like I’m in college. It’s two bottles of colonoscopy prep solution now, but still, impressive.

And before he left Home Depot, he will have denied being a homeowner three times.

My son got this balloon on Valentine's Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, "be patient, it will come down" but he didn't believe me. "If it comes down I get an iPad!" he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I am not suicidal. I eat healthy food. I just got new brakes on my car. I’m a strong swimmer. I don’t do drugs. My wife overcooks her broccoli.

It’s so liberating when your kids reach an age where they can perform some stupid trick and ask, “pretty cool, right?” and you can say, “not really, no.”

daughter: the doctor said my vision is perfect! wife: you get that from me son: the doctor said I grew an inch! wife: you get that from your da— me: NO!

Early contender for Father of the Year.

professor x: what's your power? me: deflection professor x: bullets? gamma rays? me: criticism professor x: that’s a stupi— me: say, is that a new tie?

me: *whispering in son's ear* son: MOM, CAN WE HAVE PIZZA FOR DINNER?!?!?! me: Oh, jeez! Pizza again??? Well, I guess he did do well on his math test...

I don't give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine's Day combo celebrations.

My son didn’t want to wear his shorts today because “they hurt.” These are his new shorts. The ones that he chose. After trying them on at the store. Yesterday.

I don’t know if there’s an annual awards ceremony for best hold music, but USAA just dropped an absolute banger.

son: so they were circles? me: yeah son: in crops? me: yeah son: and this made people freak out? me: yeah, the whole world son: dumb me: well…they were pretty big circles

I, for one, am glad that the streaming services are adding in commercials. These kids need to suffer as we have suffered.

me: *opens door* salesman: hi me: hey, have you heard about the soccer fundraiser? salesman: …no me: my son is selling candy to raise money for his team. do you know Tom, 6 doors down? salesman: no me: he bought a box salesman: I don’t eat candy me: no problem, take care

I stopped working out for 9127 days. Here’s what happened next…

I used to be a fucking wildman. Now I say things like, “I think it’s time we get a laminator.”

I’m at my most 40s l when I choose to stay on the line for the next available representative instead of pressing 1 to receive a call back

To get my daughter to complete a minor task I have to make it seem even easier than it actually is. To get my son to complete a minor task I have to make it seem infinitely more challenging than it actually is.

Kids really will climb into your bed, wedge themselves into a super uncomfortable position, then tell you to move.

There’s no word for it in the English language, but when your kid throws a gutterball and as they walk back dejected you look down the lane in shock as if the ball jumped out and knocked down all the pins and they know deep down that you’re lying but they desperately want to look

If you’re still shopping around for a New Year’s resolution, might I recommend that you stop sending these texts when you don’t pick up the phone?

Just grounded my kids from using electronics for the rest of the year.

When my kids start acting up in a store, we don’t make threats or beg them to stop. We start slow dancing. We make THEM beg US to stop. If they start up again, we move on to hip hop. If these kids think they’re going to out-embarrass me, guess again—I used to wear a half shirt.

Do Uno games last an eternity or are we doing something wrong? We’ve been going at it for half an hour with no end in sight.

"Wow, Santa's almost as bad at wrapping presents as you are, daddy!" - my 6 year old daughter

A smart husband knows that wrapping paper, tissue, and bows are cheap and easily acquired. A wise husband neatly folds & saves them anyway.

Christmas Eve, the Ocean's 11 of parenting.

Dammit, my kids found the Christmas presents we'd hidden in our closet! Now there's coal all over the carpet, coal on the couch, coal on the walls...

So, last night we assembled that play kitchen from Santa in our living room then I hid it in the garage, but I left out the instruction manual and my 4 year old found it this morning. I froze. She said, "Oh cool! I want this for Christmas!" and ran off. That's a yuletide win.

“Did they find something???” - my daughter, in front of the TSA agent rifling through my bag

[before kids] "Man, I'm going to be such a chill parent" [several years later] "IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE..."

My wife asked me how hard it was going to be to wrap the big art easel we got the kids for Christmas and I said that we could do it "easely." Then I repeated that we could do it "easely" again but really stretched out the word easely. Yeah, she didn't laugh either.

Now that I have young kids of my own I understand why my dad insisted we not visit him in the garage in the days leading up to Christmas. It's because kids are annoying.

I'm at a kindergarten Christmas party and when it was time for the white elephant gift exchange every single kid chose the present they brought and no one swapped. It's like they had it all planned from the beginning.

Normally my kids are quick to interrupt me during a lecture, but as I gave a sermon on paying attention to detail my daughter sat still, patiently listening to every word. After my closing remarks, I asked if she had any questions. She had but one: “Why is your shirt inside out?”