wife: I want you to rake the yard today me: consider it done [later] wife: I thought you were going to rake? me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

“A kid that never gets in trouble is just not living life to the fullest,” my son, the fourth grade philosopher

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Circling the parking lot or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.

Circling the parking or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.

Shoutout to all of the thirty year olds googling “how to cook a turkey” for the first time right now. Been there.

You wouldn't believe the number of times I've narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my little nephews would, and that's why I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Welcome to parenthood. I hope you weren’t planning on eating that.

me: in 50 years? I’ll be 98. daughter: that’s IF you don’t die first me: right, thanks

The man ahead of me in line at the grocery store had but one item in his cart. That turkey—the last one on sale—was his family’s only chance at a Thanksgiving dinner, but his card kept declining. I quietly slipped the cashier my card. “I’ll take that deal,” I said as the man left.

Yes, my wife carried and birthed all of our children, but I install and swap out all of the car seats and boosters.

operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency? toddler: MY SOCKS! operator: you can't find them or you don't like how they fit? toddler: THEY'RE ITCHY! operator: who made you wear them? toddler: I DID! operator: we'll get through this together--do you know how to scream?

At dinner my son announced that he’ll be playing the lead role in the school play. “I usually don’t like to talk in front of crowds,” he said, “but I’m willing to try.” I’ll proudly be there in the front row on opening night of “Because of Winn-Dixie,” starring my son as the dog.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

[sinking in quicksand] me: oh no wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help me: ok [mambo no. 5 starts to play] me: OH NO

School fundraisers like selling candy bars teach important social skills, strengthen community ties, and instill a sense of responsibility in children. Still, it's a hard no.

*starts playing on phone during a show *misses important scene *rewinds way too far by mistake *gets back on phone while waiting for the scene *misses the scene again

me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself son: I did me: then why is your sister crying? son: I kicked her

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit.

I challenged my kids to a game of Mario Kart last night and my daughter asked if we could play “Walking Mario” instead. I asked what Walking Mario was and she said, “you know, the one where he’s a pedestrian instead of a driver.” She was referring to Super Mario Bros.

Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.

My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.

I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.

“Not one word, Barbara.”

My son asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.

Welcome to your 40s. The DJ at this grocery store is spinning nothing but hits.

operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency? toddler: I'M OUT OF MILK! operator: your cup is empty or there's no milk in the house? toddler: MY CUP! operator: where are your parents? toddler: POURING ME MORE! operator: ok, I need you to throw yourself on the ground & cry

Reasons my kids couldn't get in bed this week: - teeth still wet from brushing - curious about the ingredients in dinner - bed too hot, pillow too cold - just need to check something real quick - not feeling the water cup I chose - might have to peepee after all How about yours?

daughter: hurry, dad! I can’t hold it! me: excuse me, do you have a restroom? cashier: no me: do you have a mop? cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right

Welcome to your 40's. One of your neighbors has a tree you can't stand and you fantasize about something bad happening to it.

My wife's taking our son on his first playdate with a kid from kindergarten this weekend. I told my daughter that we would have our own fun day together & could do whatever she wants--go to the park, zoo, ride bikes. She wants to play hide & seek. That's it. For several hours.

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...

For much of history, stories were passed down from generation to generation through oral tradition. Even massive tomes like The Odyssey were memorized and recited word for word. I just had to reread the heating instructions for the frozen corn dogs we’ve been buying for years.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

At the deli my son asked if I’d get Black Forest ham for his school lunch & I said yes. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?” he asked. “Sure,” I said. When he saw the little pouch he asked what it was. “The ham,” I said. His smile faded. He thought I was sending him to school with an entire ham.

My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

My 4 year old said he was carsick so I dumped the groceries from a plastic bag & passed it back to him with instructions to "throw up inside it." I heard him throw up & looked back to see that he'd put the bag on over his head like a helmet, so the puke fell right out the bottom.

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon? me: no, there's no oxygen 5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank? me: then yes 5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty? me: then no 5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen? me: is someone paying you to do this?

Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.

My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."

Coolest move I ever saw at a bar: guy tapped the shoulder of the man sitting next to me & gave him the old “I think you’re in my seat.” “I don’t see your name on it,” he replied. “Look again,” the guy said. Sure enough, the staff had engraved the names of regulars on their chairs.

“You really shouldn’t be doing this,” he said to himself as he continued to set his coffee down in an unnecessarily precarious position despite countless other alternatives being within arm’s reach.

To the grown woman at Costco pushing a grocery cart for the very first time: that Funyun display can be rebuilt; my Achilles tendon can be surgically reattached. Never stop growing. Never stop reaching for the stars. This world is yours, ma. You got this.

I'm on a walk with my 4 year old. There's not another person in sight. I've tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she's stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We've still got a long walk ahead--I'm going to go for the world record.

I don't know if there's a right time for your preschooler to whisper, "are humans made out of meat?" in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

me: you can't take all that candy to school son: then what do I do with it? me: you leave it here son: here? with you?

Parents of toddlers, don't forget to set your lives back a month this weekend.