me: please eat your kiwi son: they’re gross, it’s like licking a tennis ball me: no it’s not son: have you licked a tennis ball? because I have, and I’m telling you it’s the same

Last night I got into a bit of hot water when my wife discovered that I’d somehow managed to lose an important document that she’d picked up while I was out of town. Fortunately, I was able to redeem myself by finding it tucked deep within one of her piles of paperwork.

Don’t mind me, I’m just driving my kids to school instead of camp out of habit.

Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

For Father’s Day, my kids are getting all of their bad behavior out of way early so we can have a peaceful afternoon. At least I hope they are. There’s no way they can sustain this level of bickering all day.

I’ve never met a cool Todd. Just sayin’.

My daughter just said that enchiladas are basically Mexican lasagna and I think she nailed it.

kids: we're bored. what can we do? me: you can swim, play soccer, play basketball, read a book, write a book, play a board game, play cards, do a science experiment, swing set, legos, ride your bike or your scooter or your skateboard... kids: nah, what else? Summer is upon us.

Each of us is imbued with a special talent, a god-given gift that when shared with others enriches not only our life but the lives of those around us. Mine is drinking beer in a river.

son: I know what you’re trying to do me: son: trick me into playing piano me: son: saying mama’s better than me so I’ll play against her me: son: you’re not fooling me me: son: I AM going to play her, just to show I’m better me: son: but I know what you’re trying to do

I wouldn’t trade my life with my wife and kids for the world, but sometimes in the still of the night I think back upon my youth and I deeply miss those wild nights touring with Thunder Down Under. 🧵

An old lady just yelled “SLOW DOWN!” as I drove by. We were in a parking lot. I was going 7.

Am I hoping to have my case heard and get out of court as soon as possible? Yes. Am I willing to stay until the very end to see this lady who has already gone off on the bailiff and court clerk stand before the judge? Also yes.

On behalf of my fellow 40-somethings, y’all need to stop making the raised numbers on credit cards, measuring spoons, and everything else the same color as the background. We can’t read that shit.

Driving a modern car for a couple of days and while some of the features are cool can I just say how much I hate the way the engine cuts off every time you stop?

Have to help my mom learn how to use the remote to her new tv. Talk to you guys on Monday.

As a dad who has flown many times with a baby, I think it’s absurd that some parents feel compelled to hand out treat bags as an apology to other fliers. As a hungry person on an airplane, however…

When my wife’s out of town my kids expect me to be a total pushover, but sometimes you have to put your foot down. For example, they asked me if they could have pizza for lunch today. “Absolutely not,” I said. “You had pizza for breakfast.”

wife: I’m baaaaack! me: welcome home! daughter: we missed you! son: dad got a $143 parking ticket!

son: what was the best movie when you were a kid? me: uhhhh, we had one about a teenage werewolf son: and he went around eating people? me: he played basketball

Normalize conspiring with your friends to produce short mockumentaries about one another.

Without thinking about it, I accidentally embarrassed my son in front of his friends today. Turns out no one else on his soccer team wears sunscreen.

I’ve been wondering if I’m taking my kids to the new froyo shop too often, then as we were walking into my son asked, “do you think they’ll recognize us?”

It's hard to believe how much technology has changed our daily lives. I used to have to drive to a store to buy something. Now I simply order it with the click of a button and have it delivered. Then, when it arrives and isn't what I'd hoped for, I drive to a store to return it.

You spend your whole life waiting for that perfect moment to slide across the hood of a car Dukes of Hazzard style, then one day you wake up and you're too old to do it. Grab the bull by the horns, kids. Don't let your dreams pass you by.

Taking the kids to the park then we’re running errands. Ladies, am I Mother’s Daying correctly?

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

moms: all I really want is for us to all get along peacefully kids: best we can do is a flower vase we made at school. don’t pour water in it, it leaks.

We were out driving when I saw a guy who looked like Gerardo. "Hey, that guy looks like Gerardo," I said. "Who?" my wife asked. "Gerardo," I replied. "Who???" she repeated. Incredulously, I played "Rico Suave" for her. The car was silent for a moment, then she whispered, "Again."

Not trying to weasel my way into an invitation to your soirée, but the replacement non-stick pans we got are superb. I even did the ol’ infomercial test and melted a bunch of cheese in it and it slid right off, though I mostly did that so I could eat a big hunk of molten cheddar.

Great, just great. There’s a power outage in our neighborhood and the electric company says it may not be fixed until tomorrow. Now I have to sit here and drink the ten cans of beer in the fridge before they go bad.

A hero? It’s not my place to say, really. What I will say is that one time my company was using a form that was a copy of a copy of a copy and it was askew and faded and blurry so I retyped the whole thing from scratch and emailed the file to every employee. Call me what you will.

god please not my ten year old checking a book on how to win arguments out from the library

My daughter played in 3 volleyball games over the weekend. Her team went 2-1. A total of 63 points were scored over roughly 30 minutes of action. 0 volleys were recorded.

I was dreading going to a cocktail party on Friday because I had nothing interesting to talk about, but I just got a factory recall notice for some non-stick pots & pans we bought 6 years ago. They replaced the whole set. For free. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m excited to go

My wife is parting with some childhood keepsakes, but she can’t quite bring herself to throw them out so she put them in a pile in the garage and instructed me to “take care of them,” adding that she “doesn’t want to know what happens to them.” She’s the Tony Soprano of mementos.

[creating the baby] god: have it coo angel: nice one god: a flawless smile angel: adorable god: make it chubby angel: it’s too cute! god: really? alrighty, give it hand, foot & mouth disease angel: no, it's just an expression. I didn't mean-- god: HAND, FOOT & MOUTH DISEASE!

Oh my god I just invented a new dance. My family is going to HATE it!

[my wife] "$190 for sandals?!? that's INSANE!" *trying them on* "well at least they're comfortable LOL!" *checking them out in the mirror* "are they cute? yeah, obviously, but STILL" *putting them back in box* "normally $220! now THAT'S insane!" *walking toward register*

Doing things a little more loudly than they need to be done so your spouse can hear that you're doing things

When you have kids, Saturday and Sunday are more of a "weakened"

One year ago, ski patrol hauled me down these slopes in a body bag, but the world’s leading scientists rebuilt me better, stronger, faster. If you spot me—and if you can catch me—I might let you buy me a beer.

son: what’s your podcast about? me: [don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders”] sports?

No one wants to take medicine more than the healthy sibling of a sick kid.

My sister and I have a deal: if I walkie talkie her from my Apple watch and say, "Hey, Siri, is the park open now?" she replies, "Sorry, but the park is closed for maintenance." If she walkie talkies me asking about the zoo, I reply that a lion escaped its cage & is on the loose.

My son’s making the impassioned case that “extraordinary” means something is even more ordinary than usual and although my evidence is strong—“that’s not what it means”—I’m still somehow losing the argument.

me: please hurry, we’re in a rush daughter: *inventing new way to walk*

“I wouldn’t waste time looking upstairs.” “No, there aren’t any eggs outside.” “I wonder if the Easter Bunny went in the cookie jar…” Somehow my wife gets away with third party omniscience few authors can pull off.

364 days a year you have to search the whole house to find where the kids put your phone, keys, and remotes. Easter is your one day to balance the scales. Put some effort into it.

some of y'all are thinking about buying your kid a white chocolate easter bunny and I need you to not do that