Not trying to weasel my way into an invitation to your soirée, but the replacement non-stick pans we got are superb. I even did the ol’ infomercial test and melted a bunch of cheese in it and it slid right off, though I mostly did that so I could eat a big hunk of molten cheddar.

Great, just great. There’s a power outage in our neighborhood and the electric company says it may not be fixed until tomorrow. Now I have to sit here and drink the ten cans of beer in the fridge before they go bad.

A hero? It’s not my place to say, really. What I will say is that one time my company was using a form that was a copy of a copy of a copy and it was askew and faded and blurry so I retyped the whole thing from scratch and emailed the file to every employee. Call me what you will.

god please not my ten year old checking a book on how to win arguments out from the library

My daughter played in 3 volleyball games over the weekend. Her team went 2-1. A total of 63 points were scored over roughly 30 minutes of action. 0 volleys were recorded.

I was dreading going to a cocktail party on Friday because I had nothing interesting to talk about, but I just got a factory recall notice for some non-stick pots & pans we bought 6 years ago. They replaced the whole set. For free. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m excited to go

My wife is parting with some childhood keepsakes, but she can’t quite bring herself to throw them out so she put them in a pile in the garage and instructed me to “take care of them,” adding that she “doesn’t want to know what happens to them.” She’s the Tony Soprano of mementos.

[creating the baby] god: have it coo angel: nice one god: a flawless smile angel: adorable god: make it chubby angel: it’s too cute! god: really? alrighty, give it hand, foot & mouth disease angel: no, it's just an expression. I didn't mean-- god: HAND, FOOT & MOUTH DISEASE!

Oh my god I just invented a new dance. My family is going to HATE it!

[my wife] "$190 for sandals?!? that's INSANE!" *trying them on* "well at least they're comfortable LOL!" *checking them out in the mirror* "are they cute? yeah, obviously, but STILL" *putting them back in box* "normally $220! now THAT'S insane!" *walking toward register*

Doing things a little more loudly than they need to be done so your spouse can hear that you're doing things

When you have kids, Saturday and Sunday are more of a "weakened"

One year ago, ski patrol hauled me down these slopes in a body bag, but the world’s leading scientists rebuilt me better, stronger, faster. If you spot me—and if you can catch me—I might let you buy me a beer.

son: what’s your podcast about? me: [don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders,” don’t say “gruesome murders”] sports?

No one wants to take medicine more than the healthy sibling of a sick kid.

My sister and I have a deal: if I walkie talkie her from my Apple watch and say, "Hey, Siri, is the park open now?" she replies, "Sorry, but the park is closed for maintenance." If she walkie talkies me asking about the zoo, I reply that a lion escaped its cage & is on the loose.

My son’s making the impassioned case that “extraordinary” means something is even more ordinary than usual and although my evidence is strong—“that’s not what it means”—I’m still somehow losing the argument.

me: please hurry, we’re in a rush daughter: *inventing new way to walk*

“I wouldn’t waste time looking upstairs.” “No, there aren’t any eggs outside.” “I wonder if the Easter Bunny went in the cookie jar…” Somehow my wife gets away with third party omniscience few authors can pull off.

364 days a year you have to search the whole house to find where the kids put your phone, keys, and remotes. Easter is your one day to balance the scales. Put some effort into it.

some of y'all are thinking about buying your kid a white chocolate easter bunny and I need you to not do that

ME: *slides contract back* add another zero and you got yourself a deal BOSS: $17,000 ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ͟+ ͟0 $17,000

Welcome to parenthood. Find a hobby that can be enjoyed in five minute increments.

There are 2 types of kids: Kid 1 wants you to do everything for them no matter how easily they could do it on their own. Kid 2 wants to do everything on their own and will undo whatever you just did so they can redo it themselves. I have one of each. I also have a beer fridge.

“Hiking is just unnecessary walking.” My son has a beautiful way of breaking things down.

Made my son a bagel with lox this morning and after one bite he said, “gross, this tastes like tastes like the floor!” The truth is, I had dropped it on the floor. What I can’t stop asking myself, however, is how he knows what the floor tastes like.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

greatest fear before having kids: accidentally driving off the side of a cliff and plummeting into the ocean, my panicked screams turn to gurgles as the last inch of air in my car-coffin disappears and I descend to my watery grave greatest fear after having kids: later bedtimes

After scoring his second goal in the opening minutes of his soccer game, my son walked over to his coach on the sidelines and asked, “Permission to get fancy?” “Permission granted,” his coach replied. I have no idea what’s about to happen, but my phone is out and ready to record.

My toddler has now chewed up and spit out five "grapes" because he's never heard of an olive and won't listen to reason.

This old timer in line in front of me at the grocery store has a Bluetooth speaker in his sport coat and he is BLASTING “Hammer Time.” The song ended as he was putting his bags in his cart—that’s when he reached in his pocket, pulled out his phone, and played “Hammer Time” again.

90% of parenting is just fighting with your kids to get them to go to an activity that they begged you to sign them up for.

My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate."

Some days I leave my clothes on the floor. Some days I forget to take out the trash. Some days I don’t put my dirty dishes away. But today, today I saw my wife’s favorite yogurts on sale—10 for $10—and I’m coming home with an entire cart of probiotic Get Out of Jail Free cards.

wife: is that ellen? daughter: no, it's dory me: ellen is the actress that plays dory daughter: is she a fish? me: no, she's a human daughter: then that's not her, cause that actress is a fish

me: *rips t-shirt off Hulk Hogan style* podiatrist: just your shoes and socks, actually

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

[playing 20 questions with my daughter] me: is it alive? daughter: wait…our rose bush is alive, right? me: yes daughter: then yes

*it is just an 8 year old soccer game* *it is just an 8 year old soccer game* *it is just an 8 year old soccer game* *it is just an 8 year old soccer game* *it is just an 8 year old soccer game* *it is just an 8 year old soccer game* “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”

me: want to try another position? wife: what? me: I just feel like you’re not really into this wife: *pausing podcast on air pods* what?

teacher: your son needs help with math me: I'll give it 110% teacher: maybe your wife could do it?

You’re not really a parent until you wake up in the middle of the night to transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer so your kids have something green to wear to school on St. Patrick’s Day.

the smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try

daughter: what’s the date today? me: the 16th daughter: of what month? Little kids are just out there living their best lives.

Just hear me out: His & Hers bedrooms

wife: and this is me with the kids in Hawaii...their father isn't in the picture friend: that must be so tough on you me: to be clear, I took that photo

I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.

*starts playing on phone during a show *misses important scene *rewinds way too far by mistake *gets back on phone while waiting for the scene *misses the scene again

I was explaining to my kids about inflation (no one enjoyed the conversation, not even me) and I told them that I used to buy hamburgers from this one place near my high school for 29 cents. “32 cents after tax,” I said. I have become my own grandfather.

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...