me: what scientific innovations are you most looking forward to in the future? daughter: maybe for couches? son: oh, interplanetary exploration for sure! soon mankind will be able to inhabit— me: yeah, space, got it. I’d like to hear more about the couches

“I’m happy to hop on a call…” Weirdo.

I’ve had many parenting highlights this year, but so far my favorite is my daughter screaming, “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!!!” as I tried to console her after she stubbed her toe on my hospital bed.

Been in this house nine years and I almost got all the light switches figured out.

I was feeling pretty good until I tried to book a face painter for my daughter’s birthday party and realized they make twice what I do.

bouncer: I'm not going to tell you again me: ok, ok, I'll stop bouncer: me: bouncer: me: *yawwwwnnnn* bouncer: you're out!

sorry but “people are either going to love me or hate me” is the worst of the personality types

taking my last sip of fluids for the day at 6 AM so I don’t have to get up to pee in the middle of the night

me: did you hear about the corn that joined the army? daughter: me: he was a kernel daughter: me: because— daughter: I’ll be in my room

"See, THIS is what I'm talking about when I say parents have NO CLUE. No, I don't mayonnaise on my sandwich. Kids HATE mayonnaise. It's out. It's for old people. Kids love MAYO on their sandwiches. MAYO is hot right now." - my son, educating me

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

me, passing a small-font flyer to my wife: you may not be able to read this, but...

As he walked off the field after tee ball practice my son asked if he did a good job. "No," I said, "you did not do a good job." The dad next to me slowly turned around, but before he could react my son yelled out, "I did a GREAT job!" The dad paused and turned back. We got 'em.

me: so I was just thinking, maybe I’ll gather up what everyone’s going to wear on our trip this weekend… wife: that’s called “pre-packing” me: but also, what if I made a list of everything we’re going to eat on our trip… wife: uh huh, that’s called “meal planning”

Having a second kid is like having a sixth drink. You're going to be miserable in the morning anyway, so why not?

first grader, reading his homework: “What do you think? Should Chip clean his room?” I know what they *want* me to say, but I’m not sure it’s the right answer for me.

I’m saving up money to plant a row of bushes along the side of my yard. I call it my hedge fund.

that point in the movie where you learn that both the florist and the small town cop protecting her are *extremely* into parkour

son: whatever, I’m not even listening to you me: THAT'S IT! You're out of the school play! wife (whispering): he doesn't actually care about the school play me (whispering): I know, I just really don't want to go to it

It’s hard to fathom just how deep the ocean truly is.

AAAACHOOOO!!! Is that your *real* sneeze? Yeah. You’re not exaggerating it? No. So you’re saying if you were in a meeting with your boss right now that’s exactly how you would sneeze? Exactly. You can’t control it at all? Not at all. Hmmm… It’s just how I sneeze. Ok…

Sisyphus, but it’s me unloading the dishwasher because the dirty dishes are piling up.

me: has anyone seen my water bottle? son: no daughter: no wife: good riddance, that thing smells She’s done something to it. I know she has.

Normalize adults-only national holidays.

Some of you have falsely accused my daughter of falling asleep on the couch for the last 45 minutes. Please be aware that nothing could be further from the truth. She’s actually laughing at you. I guess you’ve never seen someone relaxing before. Expect to hear from her attorneys.

The feeling of pressure when your spouse is on the phone and looks at you and says, “remember this number…”

Welcome to daycare. Here's your eye infection.

wife: let’s go sit outside me: outside? where the sun is?

My wife asked me to buy “a bunch of cilantro” at the store so I bought a bunch of cilantro but it turns out that a bunch is an actual unit of measurement for cilantro.

My wife and I have an agreement on household chores: I do things my way, I redo them her way.

My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate."

they just left the entire bag. is this how they choose a new delivery person??

Look at yourself, hard at work judging your own neighbor in their darkest hour when you could be using ai to enhance that one photo of Bigfoot to the highest resolution possible.

The way a woman gets all gussied up to go out for a night on the town with her friends but it’s me slipping into a pair of ripped jeans and a baseball cap before heading to Home Depot.

SETTLE THE DEBATE: In this scenario, do I skip my turn since it’s only 7 spaces to Home, or am I FORCED to pass my Safety Zone and go around the board once more?

wife: don't go getting all crazy with that thing like you do. 'that thing' = tape measure 'getting all crazy' = accurately measure stuff

My kids have this absurd yet highly effective way of making anything they don't want to do at the moment sound boring simply by describing it. "The zoo?!? But there's nothing to do there except look at animals!" "The trampoline?!? But it's just bouncing up & down, up & down."

No one wants to take medicine more than the healthy sibling of a sick kid.

Absolutely destroyed my kids at bowling yet again yesterday. No teachable moment or anything of that nature to share, I just wanted it on the record.

We just walked up to our piano teacher’s house and his dogs were waiting at the gate. “It’s like they were expecting us,” I said. “Of course they are,” my daughter said. “It’s Wednesday.”

Life comes at you fast…

Until 1981, there were four major pencil grades jockeying for position in backpacks across the US, but in September of that year everything would change. Welcome to 𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘴, 𝘚𝘦𝘹, & 𝘚𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘴—the untold story of how #2 became #1 ✏️

I know things are tough right now but your chinstrap beard is really doing more harm than good

Just one more day until my kids go back to school. One 450-hour day.

The road to hell is paved with all of the things I’m going to “put away later.”

Took my kids with me to shop for school supplies like a fucking amateur and I could literally feel myself aging as we walked through the aisles.

If you can pull it off, "I'm sorry if I upset you" is the best way to make it sound like you're apologizing without actually admitting guilt.

me: good morning! 7 year old: one way to keep a robber from stealing your jewelry is to fill your house with tnt and when he breaks in to blow it all up. Oh...but then your jewelry and house blow up. Nevermind, that plan won't work. Can I have a waffle?

me: please take off your shirt 4 year old: which shirt? me: *world's longest sigh* the one you're wearing

I refuse to let you label me, to give you the power to define me. I am so much more than what you may see. This is MY life—I can be whoever I choose to be. And right now I choose to be Ralph, whose bacon, egg & cheese croissant is ready at the Starbucks counter.