life is hard and will continue to be so, but live music will always be therapy. PS: the pit at a Die Spitz show ain’t nothing to fuck with (omg my kids are in there somewhere)

Taking a break for awhile to try to figure out if anything matters anymore. Please be good to each other and don't drink the stuff under the sink while I'm gone ok 🤙

don't judge a man 'til you've walked a mile in his shoes all the way to the courthouse where you put on a black robe and get your gavel and tell the bailiff to bring in the next defendant and hear their testimony and make a decision by fairly interpreting and applying the law and

Blair Witch Bespoke Artisanal Crafts

autocorrect keeps changing but to bit and in to I and at this point I don't believe it has any interest in being helpful and is just trying to be a massive prick

is british trader joe’s tradeur joues

Go go gadget get-out-of-my-way

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

Auto-correct changed "social" media to "sociopath" media, and it's not wrong

What you can only imagine does not pay for reality. That's what I always wrote on the memo line of all my checks, because back then it was time to stop saying I can only imagine to foolish dreams with tales of cashing blank stares at any bank wall

I cut my own hair because: (a) I am poor (b) I am cheap (c) I am antisocial (d) I don't like people touching me (e) All the above

The dental hygienist cleans my teeth to the sounds of the unbelievably old songs of my youth.

Listen, if you have to explain your joke, I am sorry that it's not something else that we have in common.

Oh, you mean fall as in autumn, not as in "of civilization."

Rule of thumb is if a dude asks what you want to eat, then gets himself food and walks off you get to shoot him in the back. Cold blood. It's a little something called justice.

The only reason stores put xmas shit out this early is to distract you from the Epstein Files.

We take back our country for all our people, or we’re not taking back the country we need.

I guess if everything falls apart, I can always shitpost at Costco.

Everything I do, I do it for you* *coping mechanism

why would you put yourself in that position, is a question i ask myself every time i have sex . folks,,

waiter: would you like some capers with your pasta batman: what

If I were involved in providing professional alteration services, I’m pretty sure I’d name my business to reflect my quick turnaround and cultural relevance and call it TAILOR: SWIFT.

"For my wellness journey" I murmur as I pour a 2lb bag of M&Ms over my face

if you look in the mirror & say the words aioli sauce three times in a row a man riding a flux capacitor powered fixed gear bike will zoom by at 88 miles per hour & bonk you in the head with a hardcover copy of jonathan livingston seagull.

Oops! All Bangers

Happy Anniversary to all the projects I continue to never finish.

Listen, I’m old and lazy. You can go to Mastadon if you want, but I’ll stay here to get ignored.

Just remember, you’re only one or two life decisions away from shopping for camper toilets on Amazon

JUDGE: are you both sure there’s nothing that could save your marriage? ME: your honor, he asked me “what has 9 arms and sucks?” JUDGE: so what was the answer? ME: Def Leppard JUDGE: jfc what an asshole I declare this marriage dissolved

*jumps up on a table at the morgue* give me a double

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

i bought a new belt so it's over for you britches.

this is not negotiable, mother fuckers Civil rights or GTFO

HARD AGREE deeper in this thread you will see someone trying to pull the "I hate to say it but the majority of the country is not going to die on the hill of trans rights" nonsense. ok well fuck you, i WILL die on this hill. Eaton is saying it nicely. i will be mean about this

riding the Suck-U-Bus, my favorite form of pubic transit

[Rooting around inside my brain for something funny to skeet] *Shouting at nobody in particular* "Goddamn it we forgot to get humour again!"

The wood chipper gets gross so you should clean it after every use.

*brings updated terms and conditions to a knife fight*

Drinking Miller lite out of a wine glass who gives a shit anymore

My alter of joy.

I don't need to go to the gym now that I'm tossing and turning under a weighted blanket instead of a regular one

No Granny. Stealing bread from the bakery is not called pinching a loaf.

i have over 20 yrs experience in the field with feedback ranging from “ohmyfuckinggod” to nonsensical moans, as well as a completion rate of 95% (+/- 3) - updating my blowjob resume

my dream self made a context appropriate reference to “waiting for godot” while conversing with another dream character and the first thing i said when i awoke was “fucken nerd”

I’ve yet to hear anyone say, “You know what would make things better? More billionaires.”

Devs advertising on Craigslist for another Luigi to boost engagement.

although I'm not certain, I think you're the type of person who pronounces it "WOR-cester-shire"

I both respect and fear the person who’d be willing to eat my ass.

Did my first slow motion old man fall today. Not great.