[first date on beach in Oregon] So I heard you like long walks on the beach [weeks later on beach in California] Holy shit you weren’t kidding

It's 2026 and I am still writing checks.

My superpower is making everything harder than it has to be

‘Why are you always tired?’ I’ve been alive every day since I was born. It adds up.

I told you a million times already, I am not embellishing.

Just discovered that I’ve turned who cares I’ll be dead by then years old

Manifesting peace, love, and a little go fuck yourself for the new year

Wouldn't hurt a fly is a pretty serial killer way to describe being harmless.

With a little effort, this year is a perfect opportunity to seamlessly transform from arm candy to arm cactus.

grogu is the colour of mint chip ice cream coincidence this is not

"I have no idea what any of that means" -Me, most days.

It may be a new year, but it's still an instablock if you "so you hate waffles" or "bean soup theory" in my replies if I don't know you.

A marriage board game where if you roll a 7 your wife's silent suffering is upgraded to violently aggressive.

blustering my way into this new year with a hitch in my giddy-up and a chip on my shoulder

I'm doing so little that my family held a mirror up to my nose.

Gonna go outside and see if the earth has something to say

If you listen closely, you can hear the bread screaming.

I once killed a bear with a pizza wheel. 8 pieces, not the same size but not bad, as it was a bear.

This is when I traditionally let my feelings expire in order to make room for different days I'll fall in love with but my love diary says it's gonna be a rebound year. I must have bought a similar cheaper notebook

social media is cool I guess but I kinda miss the hacky sack circle

i just made this amazing dish: meatballs & spaghetti it’s exactly like spaghetti & meatballs but it’s meatballs & spaghetti !

my Merriam-Webster word for 2026 is mortifying . also, it’s mortifying😭

At a party, taken hostage by 67-year-old drunk woman. Send help

Ballpoint pens were once a huge advance in technology but here in 2026 we have 14 ways to spell Jackson

Might go to therapy this year, might throw a tennis ball against a wall for a few months it’s a tossup really

Adults are so disappointing

Shitposting to a higher power

When someone's nice to me for no apparent reason

As you bring in a new year full of new possibilities, try leaving the anger and disappoint behind. Stop laughing. I said try.

A small reason for me to be less cynical going into ‘26. I could cry, but in a fierce, manly way.

happy new year but only to @granttanaka.bsky.social who i assume has finally pooped ?🥰 (hope you’re ok)

There is no next year, only Zuul.

for my final act of 2025 I will make a severe amount of lasagna

I used to make New Year's resolutions..... But then I took an arrow to the knee.

You can do the plane thing with your hand out the car window,or at work too if no one is watching.

there should be a cereal with m&ms

my doctor overreacting to the fact that I drink probably 12 beers a day like he's never even met my father

Some years you do want to join with the crowd. Dancing shoes on and the music is loud. Drinks just keep flowing and the old year is going. Old acquaintance be forgot. Other years skip frenzy and noise. Quiet at home is among your life's joys. Whichever choice is in your mix, wish you well for '26.

I am so lucky that I was older and solidly set in my life before I found social media. Yeah, I'm talking about you.

I randomly yell "BUM STIGGIDY BUM STIGGIDY BUM HUN", and whoever responds is officially part of my tribe

Well I made it through the year, I suppose I’ll push myself through another one.

Saw a guy wearing a Decemberists shirt and he couldn’t even name three other historical insurrections

Already tired of 2026.

2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.

I’m sorry, but when Funiculì, Funiculà comes on, I’m gonna just start fuckin shit up—I’m gonna start a mosh pit

Just a reminder that we are capable of holding two ideas simultaneously: you can both cheer on the possibility of MTG really doing damage to the felon, while also not giving her any credit or falling for her redemption arc story. I promise, you can do both.

What if farting was contagious like yawning?

Wanna come over and destroy each other emotionally? It's for my art

can't wait to show off my new year, same me, only older resolutions