did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

My kids not knowing the stranglehold 'the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' had on me at their age. This felt as significant as the sex talk.

I'm Sure It'll Probably Be Fine A Memoir

hot DILFs in your area have cargo pockets full of snacks

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

It's definitely a spirit because everything has one. The noises have some, the blur behind you in the mirror sometimes, and even this very conclusion, self-sufficient with spirit. Have you always had trouble with the spirit of introductions "Hi I'm an essay with just an ending"

My designated driver

It was the Best of Times, it was the "NOT THE BEES, OH GOD, NOT THE BEES!" of times.

Her stomach hurts from dessert. Alas, sore bae.

“👻” - scare quote

couldn’t find my parked car then i couldn’t find my phone to find Find My Parked Car then i found my phone but i couldn’t find Find My Parked Car on my phone then i found Find My Parked Car on my phone then i remembered i don’t even have a car 😬

He lit up every room he went into. In retrospect, we never should have been surprised he turned out to be an arsonist.

Yeah you say you're old but do you have a "good" broom?

•tucks vape in the hands at the open casket• RIP, King

Sixty-nining? Whatever, Mr. Olympia.

“Power without love only leads to catastrophe”

Thanks, guys. Check for "No Dumping" signs and just leave it at the side of the road. Anywhere further than 100km away will do.

I get it, Bluesky. I'm tired, too.

Cheeze-it embodying the Friday vibe

Please forward my mail to this corn maze. I'm never getting out

hard to get work as a photographer when my passion is taking photos of other people’s photos

You can butter my parmesan and make my alfredo sauce if you wanna

Something happened, and I said that, yup, that's how that happens. Then I felt for some reason what I said was important enough to write down.

The referees name and backstory feature designed to temper the public disgust is actually gasoline on the fire.

4 year old daughter status update: she's currently trying to negotiate with the concept of time

ah. just remembered don hertzfeldt. where my fellow don hertzfeldt heads at.

Them: what do *you* like to do? Me: [panics at not having an answer] Well thanks for coming out. Have a good night!

If you're my friend and you talk to ChatGPT to solve your problems, please don't tell me. I don't want to know that about you

No one ever repeatedly punches a Nazi in the face to the tune of The Boys Are Back In Town anymore

I am like if ‘jump to recipe’ was a person

my pro wrestler title fight walk on music would be the sound of leafs dancing across the surface of glass smooth ponds on the autumn winds of humanity

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

[party] HOST: why are you in my bed ME: you said i could use the restroom

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can't float around anymore

It's funny how a smell or a taste can take you right back to the exact moment that you assassinated John F. Kennedy

having sex with the wife is kinda like a Tarantino movie, lots of cursing, sometimes violent, good music, occasional n-word for some reason

me: i think i'll try this new recipe i saw on tiktok tonight four-eyed cormorant squawking cacophonously as it strips my potted ficus completely bare: the blood price must be paid

wouldn’t it be amelia airhart

And now I’m back here. Blame it on the Tylenol, I suppose.

who up wondering which way the earth spinning

Me: if you fold the pizza slice, does it become a taco? Interviewer: I meant questions about the job

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that this post is not going to get any better.

Waitress: how do you take your coffee Me, A Bluesky Idiot: with my hand

Possible employer: and what would say is your greatest strength? Me: skeeting Possible employer: um ok would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: also skeeting

I'm going to start saying, 'Ain't he something?' instead of 'What the fuck are you taking about?'. Change things up a bit.

No, that last shart was intentional.

Life hack: if you never unpack after a trip it’s easier to pack the next time

do you also like things?

me: i’d like to show off my arms clerk: okay me: and i want to look snazzy clerk: gotcha me: but also ward off vampires clerk: wait right here