Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

“it’s international women’s day & i have to make breakfast for you?” i say to me, an international women’s. “this is bullshit,” i reply to me , an international women’s . did I mention im an international women’s ? ya, it me, international w

olive oyl: popeye, help!! crude oil: stfu, ya skank [annnnnnd, send 👻]

Fort Asshole has been restored.

the existence of bigfoot implies the existence of littlefoot and i'd much rather find that little cutie pie

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

Sorry. Still reeling from the time change.

Nothing has been saved. Where is our daylight savior, I am sleepy and grouchy

Nobody’s talking about cranberry sauce anymore. I see how it is. Cool cool

*Gets your attention saying we really needa talk* Ok first of all—my tummy hurts.

Just gonna sit here, avoid as much interaction as possible, and run out the clock

Sorry I ruined your misconception of me by being myself

This hit my nerdish sweet spot 😉

Can’t, trying to scrub a reflection off the wall.

it’s like they say: a woman needs a man like a country needs a warmongering serial killer pedophile for a president

[Morrissey voice]

YOU: it’s International Women’s Day TRUMP SUPPORTERS: why isn’t there an International Little Girls’ Day

good. draft the president, his entire family, his administration, and his supporters first

INTERNET : Punch Goes Viral For Finally Fighting His Bullies ME: [deep sigh, rubs temple] “THIS MONKEY IS PUNCHING BACK” WAS RIGHT THERE

Remind me to never grocery shop without a list (on weed)

My ex-girlfriend is a vegetarian, which kind of makes me an ex-vegetarian.

I just don't want the lattes to be lonely.

Copernicus: what have you done

Five secretions to get to know me by:

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

before saving daylight its important to take time to save yourself

what is it about every picture of Ryan Adams that makes you wanna go "man, fuck that guy"

First time I tried assembling IKEA furniture without the instructions. Halfway through I realized the instructions weren’t for the furniture. They were for me…

i read my 6yo niece some of your skeets and she said your jokes are mid and need more poop

which bad bitch got served divorce papers this morning, went and did two back to back interviews, and got offered a job this afternoon? THIS BAD BITCH 🙋🏻‍♀️💅

after trump is [TOS violation] may we pls never hear again of anything about _making deals_ from either a sitting president or a presidential candidate pls and thx

Sterogum: "boygenius reunion 🥰"

Who up eating they feelings?

you can spring sideways if you want

Rest on the chest you love best, I always say. -dog

You can treat my face like a Jackson Pollock if you wanna

Remember when you were young and you read The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings trilogy and you were so swept up in the excitement of it all that you ran out and bought The Silmarillion only to realize it was a tedious history book slash bible about a bunch of made up stuff and you gave up 70 pages in?

In celebration of International Women’s Day, I'm going to just shut the fuck up.

I asked Claude™️ how to replace capitalism with socialism and it called ICE on me

If only the mother of the bride hadn't invited me to get a shot with her. That was when it all went wrong.

I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive all the willfully ignorant people who have enabled this

Haven't been able to relax since they said the moon relaxing was fake. How could a conspiracy theory land on me like that, all I did was watch the tides get off work

Mom?

I want a vehicle that runs on almond milk cuz it's cheaper than gasoline.

deleting linkedin seems like a solid way to let old acquaintance be forgot

spring ahead, motherfucker

few things are more shattering than looking around for your cup of coffee only to remember that you've already finished it

Please leave me alone. I'm going through a lot.* *your underwear drawer

All I'm saying is I've lost more than an hour being a woman.