pretty much done with bluesky, love you guys and be good to each other

damn, why can't I think up profound shit like ”comparison is the thief of joy”

Wars teach us geography.

when i miss my cats while at work

petition to walk around pantsless on sundays

Hell is empty, And all the devils are here. - William Shakespeare The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2

idk if you know this but the cereal called life isn’t very lifelike at all there’s not even any blood in it

an eyelash rests on my pillow i remember we used to softly blow them away and wish upon them like fallen stars i thought only death would part us but i would have never seen you true in all your unveiled mediocre monstrosity and me in all my unraveled raw beauty tearstreaked as another lash falls

Careful out there. Snowflakes are going straight for the eyeballs.

me: you go first dolphin: oh man you are so fucked

Buyer’s remorse but it’s just the look on my wife’s face when she realised that we can’t afford a divorce.

A little annoyed that every thing I do to get uglier just makes me hotter.

Bring a sack lunch is such a gross way to end any permission slip.

the Oscars would’ve been a lot more fun if there had been the breaking news alert we’ve all been waiting for

Netanyahu spent many of his formative years growing up in Philly and I genuinely don’t know who wants that information publicized less, Netanyahu or Philly

i ignore people who reply to texts with 'k'

i ignore people who use their misery as a tool of spite towards anyone but the source of their misery

Me: *accidentally touches the lip of my coffee mug against the nozzle of the hot water dispenser at work* My inner germophobe: Well, we had a good run *pushes up sleeves and prepares for absolute chaos*

blocked a guy and now it seems like he's lost interest in me RUDE

Don't make this weird. Just reach into my fanny pack and, grab the sticky notes and write your land line number with my pengu pen.

I'm just saying, people who go through the trouble of owning and using a label maker rarely fuck up or lie

Between moods there's a place, I've said too much, and you can't even name it, oh what have I done, okay it's called worry. I know it sounds concerning but you aren't in a mood, take a leak it's an unrest stop

I just know my soulmate is out there, also avoiding his problems

Just because they call them shit posts you don't have to force everyone on the timeline to read about whatever is going on between you and your toilet.

Going on vacation exercises your mind. See new places, have new experiences, try to figure the controls in the rental car and how to work the hotel shower!

Gotta, gotta get up. Get down. (Okay, now that you're down that's probably it.)

If you're in line to kiss my ass, stay in line.

I'm a 51yo cis dude but sometimes I dance like Kathleen Hanna in that Sonic Youth Bull in the Heather video

[Applebees, the ides of March, 44BC] Caesar: i’ll have the salad Cleopatra: me too, it’s my salad day Waiter: et tu, brute ? Brutus: *opens napkin* oh great. no knife Caesar: what Brutus: what

me: im 100% French ancestry.com: liar . you have some gaul me, cocking my beret at a jaunty angle whilst wielding my baguette like an épéé: what

smart person explaining something to me, a dumb person who just asked a really dumb question: that’s a very good question me, a dummy *thinking no it wasn’t it was a stupid question you’re just patronizing me aren’t you ? now im feeling like a big dumb idiot you piece of shit*: thanks

Helpful hint- have the waterpik in your mouth BEFORE you turn it on. There is no lag, people.

There was a post talking about forks. It referred to one end of it as the working end and I didn’t care for that.

I saw.. I whatevered.

a billion is 1000 millions i muse as i smear a packet of peanut butter i stole from denny's onto a piece of torn cardboard

vast crimes at whitehouse high

I don't know if a big juicy bratwurst smothered in sauerkraut and mustard would fix me or not but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't do any further damage.

we’re just strangers standing in a long line there’s no need for chit chat

Punk rock dulcimer

Hey babe, let’s finish this box of wine and open each other's straits

I’m 48 and my 19 year old just told me they thought I had good taste in music and I cannot fucking imagine telling my Dad that when I was any age years old.

Should I get into another situationship or should I drill directly into my molar?

A LOS ANGELES MORBID LOCATION THREAD: 1. first we have the Highland Gardens Hotel, which used to be the Landmark Motor Hotel; this was where Janis Joplin died of a heroin overdose in Room 105 while she recorded her final album Pearl in 1970

adding one of the most awful and violent ones that I’ve encountered so far to this thread soon I HAVE SPOKEN

welcome to America, where antifa — which is short for anti-fascist — has been designated as a domestic terrorist organization, while the GOP, NRA, and the KKK have not

well, there’s your problem. you went to the desert on a horse with no name. all the nameless horses are slow and have no sense of direction. now, Speedy Desertknower right here, he would have gotten you in and out of that desert in 4 hours, 6 max