there’s just something about the world being round that’s so overwhelming

Get autism the normal way, off of a toilet seat.

you had my undivided attention until you said “like and subscribe”

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

a zombie apocalypse is probably too good for us

i’ve fallen and I can’t get up, but still finishing my plate of spaghetti

Turns out I did not, in fact, have “mad” skills.

She sent me a bouquet of Forget-Me-Nows and changed her locks.

They should make the Discover feed harder to find.

neighbor: “thought you were going on vacation?” me: *holds up half a bag of shrooms* “I did”

As a non-American who has always kinda loved America, it is absolutely surreal to watch what is happening. He has undone 250 years of progress in about 9 months.

My many enemies will be furious to know that I found a luxurious new hat at the bus station

this would be a bitchin leather jacket if cows were made of denim

Ever try to give gentle sweet pets to a cat and they simply turn around and walk away bc what they were looking for was vigorous butt scratches? That's what it's like to make friends in your 40s

A mistake a lot of people make is forgetting to eeny meeny miny before mowing their lawns

My thoughts are in Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. I never know what I'm thinking.

album covers but with muppets: thread

Let's keep saying nothing in increasingly elaborate ways.

you're my pocket person and I love you *puts you back in my pocket

The downside of turning into a pumpkin at midnight is having to turn back into a person come the morning.

After decades of research, the answer to the leading cause of stupidity has been solved! It's a carbon-based lifeform that requires oxygen, water, food, and shelter to survive.

Sorry “doctor,” but I choose to take my medical advice from the obese orange felon with the glued-on hair, thank you very much.

this rapture could’ve been a handjob

I prefer to buttdial using a rotary phone.

Bewitched is on Hulu see you guys next year

Yes, everything’s terrible, but still be kind

Does Nobel offer a “World’s Biggest Asshole” prize?

*talking to crossing guard* Guy: That's a pretty dog you got there! Ours is having her 1st day as a therapy dog at my wife's school. Me: That's great! Pretty sure mine needs therapy.

I've been half expecting them to declare autism was caused by stork molting during the delivery trip

[first day of work] me: so, when do i get to kick one? boss: we don't actually- me: how about that one? that one looks like kind of an asshole

I don't cut as many soda cans in half with my kitchen knives as 80s infomercials led me to believe

‘excuse me while i slip into something a little more inevitable,’ i murmur seductively as i don my diaphanous burial shroud

Set phasers to regrettable life choices

Counterpoint: you snooze, you win

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

Without downloading any new pictures, post your portrait

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

I hope I'm depressed and not just terribly lazy.

Clearance at the Rite Aid!

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

Hi, I’d like to make an appointment to forget everything please?

I have way too many problems in my own life to spend any time being outraged online.

whatever son of a bitch calculated the distances between highway rest areas was clearly not a woman of a certain age

Drink responsibly. Everything else can go fuck itself.

A musical set at a Canadian high school in the 50's called Geese.

“Billy I love you but you’re foaming at the mouth. I told you don’t be playing in the ravine with those zombies”

you're drinking too much milk "I doubt that" [doctor pointing at xray] this area here is all milk

pretty sure the reason I often dated men who weren’t good for me is because I grew up always being told if a boy was mean to me it was because he liked me

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.