The enemy of my enemy is probably still my enemy, a lot of people don’t like me.

grandma likes to tell people she just met "I have cancer and alzheimer's, but at least I don't have cancer," if u want to know where I get my sense of humor from

Top ten things flies love: 10. Potato Salad 9. Humans that canoe 8. Picnics 7. Carcasses 6. Food trucks 5. Graduation parties 4. Any kind of feces 3. Other flies 2. Horses 1. WATCHING TV UP CLOSE

COSTCO: here, try this ME: oh yummy COSTCO: so you like it? ME: yes, it's delicious COSTCO: well, we don’t sell it anymore and you'll never see it again.

The computer room desktop PC tower gave us one of greatest feelings in turning a big power button on with your toe

My big plan for the summer is lying in the grass until a rabbit mistakes me for a tree trunk

nothing can prepare you for logging on to Facebook to find some old photos only to see your dad who is in his 80's being thirsty in the comments of videos containing beautiful AI women

Reaching the point in my life where some of these canned goods will outlive me.

What if there were no hypothetical questions

i got explosive diarrhea from taco bell before it was cool

I ate an entire four-meat pizza for lunch to try and sober up a little, as the Lord intended

Imagine living in someone’s head rent free and they have their air conditioning set to 78.

Who wants to go get finger banged at a nickelback concert?

Cat-burglar pretending to be an oil painting

Killing my enemies with kindness is taking too long

Unsolved Mysteries Season 6, Episode 1: The Ongoing Careers of the Kardashians.

Today has been a terribly shitty day, but pizza has been ordered and I’m going to eat and drink my feelings

Me: What is wrong with you? Why is your aim so fucking awful? How is this in any way acceptable? Have you considered a change in careers because you are seriously doing a fucking terrible job. Death:

Reading the best glitches from the books about what happened to what an actually happened natural stream of events wants itself to seem like, even real life is all omg is that how happened I sound

sometimes all you can do is close your eyes and let music be your time machine

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH (Taylor's Version)

Always remember that every day you are alive is a gift that should be cherished and celebrated. Or not, I don't really care. I barely even know you. What do you even want from me? Fuck off.

“Hey. My eyes are out here. No, farther.” - hammerhead sharks

YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

me: ok, I may not be the most adventurous in bed but surely keeping my eyes open and the lights on at least shows courage? my wife: I despise you

I will always give you the benefit of doubt. Until all I ever have is doubt.

A body at rest will stay at rest unless it has to get up to go pee

when it's my turn i want to go like the tiny fly that just drowned in my beer

Instead of bringing alcohol to a party, bring a loaf of bread. In your bare hands. With butter in your pockets.

*sits at home drinking beer* I’m bored. *goes to lake* *sits and drinks beer*

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Yeah, I know. I scare me too, sometimes.

I have a flare for getting lost at sea.

I died but my sister is going to take my job don’t worry about it.

I'm sorry your honor that I gave you finger guns as a answer.

This morning feels like it was assembled from spare parts

It's the people who want to survive the apocalypse that you've gotta watch

I'm going to give back to the community starting with giving back the noodles I took from the community pool.

Fucked that there are a million songs about love but only one about baking me a cake as fast as you can

Closed the door of my Fiero on my ponytail again.

why can’t these dumb tech bros focus on important things like wrist watches for cats so they know it’s not always time to eat

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WONDER WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THE AIR CONDITIONING

what do you mean you don’t put crushed up potato chips on your hot dog blocked

i can’t go out this weekend, my human skin is at the dry cleaners

I am getting a little tired of every avocado I get having the same wooden ball as the toy inside. They really should put different toys in there.

hot dads in your area are visibly annoyed that you messed with the thermostat settings

So many things I haven't used since high school like algebra and a gym.

The idea of getting out there and trying new things does not excite me. It annoys me

You don't need a clothes dryer or an iron as long as your body works at the right temperature.

A small town high school in the mid 80's between 16 Candles and Pretty In Pink, 3 girls and me the only weirdos. They bring a Cabaret Voltaire record to a dance and somehow get the quarterback DJ to play the 8 minute song Kino. Everyone leaves so he puts on Bon Jovi, just how it was