Most doctors don’t realize when they weigh you the scale doesn’t subtract its own weight from the reading. Plus a lot of those things probably weigh like 30 pounds. That’s just bad science.

February is the "overslept on a Monday morning" of months.

Does Aquaman get high on seaweed?

She was rare, like a billionaire that isn't a pedophile.

how was the TPusa Halftime Show For Dads Who Can Only See Their Kids On Weekends But Don’t

Could you be a bit more specific about your negative online experience. I am very nosey.

wild how rfk jr looks like someone wearing an rfk jr suit

Me: And this is the beer room. Guest: I think most people just call it a kitchen.

A nice thing about getting older and becoming invisible is the number of times the same person will give you a sample of bourbon chicken at the mall

Ladies, if you’re looking for a bad boy, I wish you’d reconsider.

If you don’t annoy your cat do you even love them really?

In all the lessons in school about drugs and peer pressure, they never taught us about Girl Scout Cookie time.

In the Shell? An Egg On The Wall Goodbye, New Fry Another Egg On The Wall part 2 Mother [Goose] Dirty Henin’ Humptily Dumb When The Yolk Broke Free In The Shell Runny, Runny, Runny The Fry Oil (only works if you pronounce oil like Benoit Blanc)

medusa was the ultimate reverse cowgirl

there should be a Goodwill place to drop off all the small bags of chips nobody ever wants to eat in variety packs

new executive order just dropped. they're lowering the 5 second rule to 4 seconds. what the fuck man.

Sorry, I can’t. I have plans to not do that thing.

Sometimes a mental breakdown is the only excuse I have for my behavior.

video games lied to me about the ease of using boomerangs

Omega-3 acids are just regular acids eager to show off their fraternity

A love like this or I don't want it.

I don’t hate people, I just add their pics to my dart board

can’t believe i evolved from primordial ooze for this *gestures to everything*

My pelvic floor is now so powerful it can defeat men with a single pulse.

I am 50 years old and I still get nervous every time I cross my eyes to make a silly face and you all know exactly what I’m talkin about

Putting time on a repeating loop of Friday night through Sunday morning. Let's do the time warp again!

imagine waking up on a saturday and thinking "i'm gonna start a fight on the internet."

Live a little. No, not like that.

The "Fuck it, send" is implied at that end of all my posts

I’m frequently wrong. I may even be an economist

Pirate PSA: if you're shivering they're shivering. Bring your timbers inside

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

flavor blasted is no longer enough for me. i want flavor WASTED. flavor DECIMATED. flavor DESTROYED

Just going to start telling people I used to be in the Spin Doctors

saw today that some dude at work was born in 2001 & in my mind he was a newborn baby sitting at a desk using a laptop

Olympics are fine but nothing beats the thrill of watching the map with the little car carrying my pizza

me: im not dyslexic my brian works perfectly my brain, who i call brian: what

before you get mad at clarence thomas maybe consider if you, too, would take bribes at your job if it were impossible to get in trouble

WAITER: anything for dessert ME: i’ll have pie WAITER: sorry we ran out of pie ME: (knows math) that is literally impossible

i order the batter-fried fish burrito every time because i am a creature of halibut

cant to go to therapy and find healing because if i do boom there goes my sense of humor

HUMPTY DUMPTY HATES WHEN I PLAY HIM “THE WALL”

i wonder if there are musicians who strictly play the triangle but play the fuck out of it

Normalise lying face down on the floor at any time for any reason

A large part of my life has been spent looking for a surface to put things on

imagine getting in any body of water while wearing jeans, let alone a hot tub, then imagine doing that with kid rock stop barfing

My favourite part of the day is the performing the ceremonial blanket wrap.

The last tech I got excited about was solar calculators.

i kinda wanna be that Olympics dog chasing skiers, getting pats, and living my best life

i just think that the time wasted dreaming about work should be subtracted from your actual work hours