I didn’t grow up in the wild, but I was raised by a family who used margarine containers as Tupperware.

do beavers really give a dam?

HELLO SHARKS: OUR REVOLUTIONARY APP CONNECTS UFC FIGHTERS WHO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP WITH THE INSOMNIACS WHO CRAVE IT

kindness is free. for an ad-free kindness experience, upgrade to kindness+ starting at $15.99 a month

imagine being in The Beach Boys and that one guy was always like, hey how about a song about surfing

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS GOO.

Hey honey the clock in the garage is right again

I would like to protest against Christmas's illegal occupation of November.

Today I started the "no sweets 4 weeks" challenge which I will restart tomorrow.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

Been thinking about getting into yoga but I can't find a place that does it in the nude.

I have an awful stomach ache right now and I’m trying to figure out which of my three dinners caused it.

Ooh yeah pour that hope all over me, baby

Gotta hit the sack, tomorrow morning I start my “7 weeks to self fellating” yoga class

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a heated argument between warring factions.

My jowls are especially radiant this morning.

Suddenly empowered to really focus on ruining more things. Game changer.

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

Nothing good ever happens when I'm vertical.

All the beauty and wonder of a flaming dumpster.

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

I don't want to "update my skincare routine", I want to drag wayward sailors beneath the waves

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

Two slices of swiss cheese in a little plastic bowl as an on-the-way-to-work snack in the sunny car was such a bad call.

i don’t trust most of you to sit in the emergency exit row

Alexa, change all the clocks to Hammer time.

Cashier: Would you like to update your phone number? Me: No, I’d prefer to continue using my number from 1997

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

Looking out into the void, I sense a herd of smitten kittens.

I eat a lot of eggs because I fucking hate chickens.

I might be delusional, but I think my cat is stealing my biscuits one at a time, so I don't notice

I'm not one to brag, but I totally got out of bed today without coaxing.

Kinda disappointed over here about the shrooms. It’s been almost two hours. Not tripping at all.

Not being able to think of a skeet isn't writers block. It's a sign from above

*yawns in the face of danger

A chef's salad with croutons is just a bowl of sandwich fight me

The plural of shenanigan should be shenanigi

It's almost the weekend

the store didn’t have any handkerchiefs with designs on them so I could only get this blandana

Some days, I just want to jump on a train and disappear and today is one of those days.

crawling through the radio shack of my mind looking for a missing boombox power cord

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

it’s a shame your dog can’t see in color to appreciate his lovely pink sweater

running to the pharmacy in my pajamas coz I’m turning 50 this week so nobody can tell me nuthin

Making her snort laugh is just as good as making her panties wet

Every drawer can be a junk drawer if you commit to it.

Help, the humans gave me a headache.

Twitter is a place where an account with 300 followers can have a post from 2016 with 75K likes that says "spicy iz tha only way i kno."

I like to imagine all of us, at the same moments, cackling with joy throughout the day and into the night