octopuses change colors to hide from sharks so why can’t I do that to avoid my boss

I wear black hoping the ravens will accept me as one of their own

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

I have an irrational fear of someday having to solve a complicated riddle to save my own life

Can’t, robbing a bank

This skeet may contain nuts, flashing images, mild swearing, graphic violence, and scenes of a sexual nature.

brought to you by the same species that landed on the moon

I forgot the word “tourniquet” so I called it a first aid scrunchie.

Why are they called painful goodbyes and not exit wounds?

I post like I've just set off a bomb and I'm walking away from the explosion without looking back

Not gonna lie, Mad Max made post apocalyptic society seem much more stylistically avant garde when I was a kid.

Sometimes slience is the louder response.

You aren’t special I disappoint everyone

The monkeys are squabbling over a great big ripe juicy guava. I might go outside and enter the fray.

You know what silence really is? It’s everyone else’s bullshit finally getting the memo.

Just picked up my sixty dollars of fertilizer to grow one tomato and a stunted pepper

'Hurt Me Bad (In a Real Good Way)' is my favorite Patty Loveless song about BDSM

If you say hi back to someone who was saying hi to someone else, that's called a contact hi.

Plot twist..New avi, same sarcasm.

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders

just told the dog that everything’s alright hate lying to my dog

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

Re-entry is so hot.

Grape-Ape's slutty mom was called Gape-Ape.

I'm so tired of seething with rage. Why can't I be seething with little baby kittens for a change?

Just did one body weight squat and three discs shot out of my spine.

Let’s make like a galaxy and spiral outward

I am a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, covered with cheese, sour cream and jalapenos. Guacamole is $2 extra.

If you have a premade pie crust no one is stopping you from filling it with butter and brown sugar and cinnamon and putting it in a 400° F oven for twenty minutes before the Pitt comes on.

All the rotting tulips hyacinth & daffodil my dad got me from the dumpster last spring are blooming beautifully now. So don’t gimme that shit like hope doesn’t exist

Ever since I was little I knew I wanted to take out a mortgage to buy toothpaste

In 1000s of years alien archaeologists will think we ate microplastic

[EMT making small talk to a person on a stretcher] "so... is this your first time being paralyzed?"

Pleased to report that I have, just recently, imagined all the people.

i only bought this bread knife for health reasons i need to cut carbs

not little or a teapot but a secret third thing you can tip over

Love seeing a commercial for a new medicine and realizing I’ve been experiencing what it’s calling side effects for the last 15 years

Cigarettes that moan when you smoke them

I'm not getting in until you call me a winner, loser.

[trying to impress a woman] *shits my pants trying to rip a phone book in half*

Inhaling chemical vapors so you don't huff too.

Still haven’t let vibes into my vocabulary cause I’m not just gonna let big vocab brainwash me

the bag of doritos in the pantry just texted me 'you up?'

[trying to spread my flat moon theory] look, it says it right here. It's like a big pizza pie.

Sargeant Pepper implies the existence of Colonel Onion and Private Garlic.

weird should be spelled more weirderer

Assume dominance by making the silence even more uncomfortable

[following a man-sized bird leading me to the open side-door on a windowless white van, in which I can see a roll of duct tape, a bottle of chloroform, and an empty pizza box] Wait a minute. Birds shouldn’t eat pizza! Now let’s sit down in here so I can lecture you about how bad bread is for birds.

It’s actually bad for your mental health to feel insane all the time