The gnomes have spoken

Please sit comfortably while I stare deep into your soul real quick

I load a dish washing machine the same way I load a sex partner; with my dick.

It feels like someone has my nerves in a jar and they’re shaking it how are you doing

bras should have emergency exits

i didn’t get a high five at the gallows, got left hanging

Identity soaking through the floorboards.

When I was planning my wedding, I wanted the invitations to be unique and memorable, so each one was tied to a brick and thrown through the window.

Saw some phallic symbols thought of you. <flirting>

Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful? Me: Contuitively.

the whole idea of saints marching in is so impressive because saints are so individualistic and buck the status quo... you get all them saints marching lock-step together I feel sorry for whoever they are marching against

Why can’t a black hole just open up and take me right now?

A mysterious secret, possibly some sort of creature, hiddenly getting around that classic idea of the depths of abandoned buildings in those halls with pipes on the sides, I do not recognize the number but fuck yeah, hello?

i need a GYRO im holding out for a gyro til the end of the night i gotta taste salt and i gotta taste heat and its gotta be fresh tonight i need a GYRO

I'm sorry Ms Jackson I am surreal Never meant to make your daughter cry I'm a fish with one gigantic eye

I almost cancelled my appointment based house cleaning because the name of the cleaner is Kevin. I'll keep you guys posted if my instincts were right.

You don’t have to agree with me all the time to be my friend.. I don’t even agree with me all the time.

Trophy hives.

him: would you say you’re silly? me: i’m half goose, on my dads side

Today is shaping up to be the perfect day to curl up on the couch with a good stromboli and a handle of Tito's.

true turtle power is knowing you can withdraw into your shell at a moment's notice

doing nothing is something i repeat to myself as i heart another post

Did not even need to know what turgid meant to know I would not like to be called that

I came here to munch on salty snacks and post bangers and I don’t know how to post a banger.

Technically, every lamp in Pompeii is a lava lamp

I packed a subpar lunch today. I'm only giving myself a 1 star rating.

two tickets to paradise? in this economy?

psychiatrist: you seem distracted me: i have "tom's diner" in my head psychiatrist: that's a catchy song! me: yeah it is psychiatrist: how long has it been stuck in your head? me: since 1987, that's why i'm here

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager* how can i purchase one of these?

Paid the cheese tax to my cats. I’ll live to see another day.

What are skeets if not foreplay?

the female urge to key a stupid huge truck in the parking lot taking up more than one spot

In 4th grade I kept riding my bike in front of my crushes house and crashed and I think it was the universe telling me not to be with someone named Tad

Does your TV volume have to be adjusted only in increments of 5 or are you normal

(pirate playing chess) checkmatey

It's time for the cats to eat dinner and they're circling me like sharks.

Most doctors don’t realize when they weigh you the scale doesn’t subtract its own weight from the reading. Plus a lot of those things probably weigh like 30 pounds. That’s just bad science.

February is the "overslept on a Monday morning" of months.

Does Aquaman get high on seaweed?

She was rare, like a billionaire that isn't a pedophile.

how was the TPusa Halftime Show For Dads Who Can Only See Their Kids On Weekends But Don’t

Could you be a bit more specific about your negative online experience. I am very nosey.

wild how rfk jr looks like someone wearing an rfk jr suit

Me: And this is the beer room. Guest: I think most people just call it a kitchen.

A nice thing about getting older and becoming invisible is the number of times the same person will give you a sample of bourbon chicken at the mall

Ladies, if you’re looking for a bad boy, I wish you’d reconsider.

If you don’t annoy your cat do you even love them really?

In all the lessons in school about drugs and peer pressure, they never taught us about Girl Scout Cookie time.

In the Shell? An Egg On The Wall Goodbye, New Fry Another Egg On The Wall part 2 Mother [Goose] Dirty Henin’ Humptily Dumb When The Yolk Broke Free In The Shell Runny, Runny, Runny The Fry Oil (only works if you pronounce oil like Benoit Blanc)

medusa was the ultimate reverse cowgirl