showing up in resort casual and a floppy hat holding a selfie stick and asking charon if he’ll accept apple pay

🥁🥁🐍

i put my underpants on just like anybody else, dipped in gherkin juice

JOIN ME IN NO LONGER BELIEVING IN TIME

like meat through a grinder these are the days of our lives

Representatives for Martina McBride say artists were not informed it would be a cage match

just got back from my job at the uncrustables factory and I’ll tell you what, it is hard work biting off all those crusts

Sneezed so loud one of the cats jumped off the bed and began sleeping on the floor instead. My sneezes are not nearly as cute as yours, my dude.

Some days, I get by. Other days, I slap the day's ass and call her mine.

Of course I dabble in witchcraft, I can fold a fitted sheet.

Sorry I got karate all over you.

watching cat watch birds

everything included feels like an even bigger lie than resealable or this will only take a minute

[during sex] Her: talk dirty to me Me: the inside of your car is filthy af

Anyone else like songs?

you punch the clock cause youre angry that work is starting

Any vegetable can make you cry if you’re sad enough. Don’t let onions take all the credit.

You can't fool me I'm not paying attention.

I am at least 17% cheeseburger

I replaced the fill valve on my toilet all on my own without even showing my ass crack

One in six US adults admit they take antidepressants while the remaining five in six can't admit to it.

My plan B is just like my plan A but with a lot more F’s.

trying to hide my disappointment when the waiter brings the salad which is not, in fact, the size of a house

I usually try to avoid pool noodles since I’m trying to limit my carb and sodium intake.

Wife: [looking over my shoulder while I get an incoming call] WHO IS PAM RISK?

When a customer says to have a blessed day I like to tell them I need to consult my Magic 8 Ball if I can or not

I wonder if Smurfette was, like, super into gangbangs.

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

Told an astronaut that I had zero gravity feelings for them and to prove it I had to not emphasize "zero" and stop doing an additional zero sign with my hand

I asked a rooster if I could borrow his comb and the little fucker bit me.

🎵 i been locked out i been locked in 🎵

You can just buy a shirt with STAFF on the back and wear it to the gym. No one even chec-fuck. They’re checking.

Sometimes that pinned skeet is the only good post they have.

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Rev. Ravenscrof has been relaxing at the *spa retreat. He gets lots of **sun, and sips ***cognac in the ****aviary. He sends his love. God bless. *psych hospital **electro shock ***liquid Xanax ****rubber room

Ladies & gentlemen of the jury, I’m now drunk.

My therapist said I was cured . . . then we laughed and laughed . . . then she doubled my meds.

Sitting in the sun like WALL-E

summer in the 80s was just dudes swimming in cutoff jeans and smoking

Looks like I picked the wrong year to quit eating ergot-contaminated grain

those rare magical moments where no one needs me right now

Never been hurt by being flipped off, but a genuine thumbs down, holy shit

Giving my elbows a little bit of moisturiser today cos it's their birthday too

got cursed by a witch again for using their cauldron to make tie-dye shirts

some turtle stuff was going down at the tropical fish store *the one on the end glaring at me 🤣

brb. Going to pretend to do something.

Pull my bra strap back far enough to catapult me into another dimension.

If your brain had a guest room, I’d come visit.

I ain't wasting gnome ore time

My dad was convinced I wasn't his baby because I only had two nipples.

I think somebody may have been folded up alive inside of this pull-out couch.