why try to settle Mars when we’ve already fled from its despair?

What's it like getting to climb into bed next to someone who loves you? I bet it's like a really good sandwich.

God: I can't help noticing Jesus has Joseph's nose Mary: [laughs nervously] What a strange coincidence

why does my cat give ‘as long as you live under my roof’ energy

I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

I can't wait to be put in an old folks home watching reruns of Severance and Yellowjackets.

I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate

he’s only a 4 until you see how clean the inside of his microwave is

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

I said manatee not matinee I see how they show up on time like long jokes when you're really ready to get it matinees don't so give me a manatee flexibility a floppy feel for words not a punctual punctuating perspective I peruse paradisiacal patterns beyond a frame while you call old films late

These days the word kinky is more descriptive of my neck and back than my sexual exploits.

Alibi buddies and chill.

My faith in humanity is agnostic

Haven’t eaten a vegetable in six days.

They need to invent a band aid that won’t get in the way when you’re jerking it.

well, tater my biscuits, i'm baked

Pay attention to what you're reading in the want ads. I needed to burn down my business, but ended up with an arborist.

Just like your sad, exhausted Christmas tree, I too am still lit.

All I want for Christmas is a look at the naughty list.

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

Her eyes said no but her eyebrows said SURPRISE

I arrive at the restaurant in my usual blind date attire: leather pants, no shirt, Bane mask

I can’t listen to Take On Me without thinking of Dawn Armstrong teaching me how to kiss properly oh sorry I thought this was my journal

stop staring at me this is MY queen size pumpkin pie bed

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

Caribou by the Pixies is a Christmas song and I will fight anyone who says otherwise

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

when you get to heaven and they show you how much time you spent on the toilet

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.

Why are stupid people also the loudest

delving too greedily and too deep into my drafts and awakening shadow and flame

so la croix is a scam right

My resolution is to be less delightful

Anxiety is just having a whole conversation in my mind's backroom and it doesn't even need nor want my input or participation

*me, seconds after cumming really, really prematurely This is all part of God’s plan.

living on the edge is sexting with 5% phone battery

sorry, can’t listen to your podcast, i don’t have an ipod.

ethically sourced* *found on a body I innocently came upon in a forest

Life is what happens to you while you're folding laundry.

Every one and everything needs to slow. the. fuck. down.

I should date. Watches Dateline..nevermind.

Shitposting to a higher power

as the prophecy foretold

surprise video calls from the boss should be illegal

death is proof good things happen to bad people

Sorry I called God "fam" when I was saying grace.