Now I’d like to perform a blues song I wrote about the unbalanced chlorine level in my swimming pool.

The answer to the question of how, is leverage.

Eating grapes so large they could be testicles.

had that dream again that I wasn’t wearing my kumite headband at work and everyone thought they could beat me

long ago, if we’d taken a left instead of a right, men would be the ones wearing provocative clothing accentuating their dick cleavage

Maybe we should try Ctrl+Alt+Del on the United States right now 🥴🥴

UK police say officers accidentally shot victim who died in synagogue attack reut.rs/42Uy7Qa

Israel committed piracy by illegally intercepting the #GlobalSumudFlotilla in international waters. Human rights defenders, from 46 countries, including Greta Thunberg, were abducted as nearly 40 vessels carrying aid, for genocide & starvation stricken Gaza, were stopped. #3E

Hallmark missed out when they declined my idea to make a “Thanks for letting me tongue-punch your fart box” card.

I was going to leave a comment, but I couldn't figure out how to make it about me so I didn't.

waffles are forever. ceo’s are not

Cute little opossum laying on its back, sun beating down while a hawk aggressively eats out its guts.

What say you rub my magic lamp until the genie comes out? Me flirting with her at this Arabian Nights themed party

we're gonna need a shit ton more etsy witches

Everything happens for a random.

This is fascism.

new gravy just dropped

Hiya! We survived, the beach is covered in blown plants n tides debris. The coconut crab has been released back to his habitation with a few fish heads. He was quite happy to be safe for the storm. There used to be 6-7 here, this is the last one. Some Aussie accidentally rehomed them here in 2007.

So business orders are down and all of the hourly employees are off on Fridays for the entire month of October. Our office is quiet as most people are using this for free time. Not me. I'm here doing what I normally do. Skeeting on the company dime.

Now, you're in trouble. I just turned your bell on.

Na na na na na na na naaaaa Baaaatmaaaaan. #sketch #doodle #buntmagie

Salmon swimming upstream. They've had so many experiences.

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.” - John F. Kennedy

I 💖 Portland!!

Mine uses the partying face emoji when I log out. What exactly does that patronising fucker have to celebrate?

sisyphus but it’s just me opening and closing the door for my cat all day

they should invent a poster that doesn’t crash out

Guess it's a "fuck it. POST" sort of day.

Today is international phone it in Friday - do your least

Got fired my first day as an apprentice in the coroner’s office because I kept remarking on the record about the subject’s mismatched socks and dingleberry counts.

brought a knife to a food fight

If you play Taylor Swift’s new album backwards it syncs up with the Wizard of Oz.

saying sorry bud to the weed before putting it in its little iron maiden

blood is the dracula’s gatorade

This Epstein Shutdown is classic Epstein.

she was the Cheech to my Chong

I don’t do AI. For better or for worse, my intelligence is all natural.

I like how my copy of the Constitution creeps closer to fiction every day.

Do bras have those little bows so ladies know which is frontways? 411 operator: (heavy sigh) again sir, not that kind of information

Food poisoning doesn’t care about your plans, your sleep, or your will to live.

I'm just a nasty Canadian socialist but I believe everyone should get lifesaving medical attention regardless of how much melanin is in their skin or how much they roll their Rs

it was right around when i ordered my toast. that's when everything went a-rye.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don't already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson 'Count Vacula' HER: I need to see other people.

…and on the millionth day the Lord sayeth “I can’t anymore with these numbskulls”

Ordering drinks in New Orleans is like, “The lady will have a $20 Cosmo-to-Go and I will try an extra large plastic cup of the neon blue slush that’s stirring in that tank over there”

Why am I like this? Nature, nurture and drugs

Hey now

*spins around in work chair* *makes eye contact with the next customer in line* *continues spinning around in work chair*

it sure took me long enough to be who i am yours