my attorney after our 1st day in court: leave the supersoaker at home tomorrow

Going to reply “nice tits” to all the posts authored by men.

the first guy to try and describe déjà vu was probably killed by his community so fast

david lee roth: what do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year? classmate: dave, what are you talking about? there's only like 15 teachers in our whole school

can we just do another pandemic I’m sick of these bitches out here

“Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean” ~ me whenever I have no idea what you mean

what sci-fi writers got wrong about our dystopian future is that they made our overlords smart

The best time to expand the Supreme Court was January 2021. The next best time is January 2029. People who want to leave Sam Alito, Clarence Thomas, and Brett Kavanaugh in charge of your life are not to be taken seriously.

Going to a swimming pool in the 90s meant you met at least one guy who was very clearly on steroids, with skin tanned to the color of burnt toast, smoking a cigarette, talking about living healthy

summer humidity is like “you should wear at least eight glasses of water a day”

meh, next it will be december

One time I broke up with a girl because she said “EXSPECIALLY”

A beautiful woman named Potential Spam keeps calling me but I’m a-shy

[loud knocking] “OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!” Me: Prove it. “HOW?” Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

if youre not on the race riot app you are living in a bubble, you have to contribute financially and provide free labor to the race riot generator or else you are in a bubble

Captcha: Are you alone? Me: Uh. Yeah. Captcha: Kiss all the squares with butts in them. Me: What?! Captcha: You heard me. Me: [leans in to kiss the squares with butts in them] Captcha: LMFAO OMG I can't believe you did that

Cowboy: *puts blanket on horse* Horse: hey thanks Cowboy: *places saddle on blanket* Horse: oh

Do you ever have a bird in the hand but there are two in the bush that you want to kill? Introducing: Stone!

few know this, but the origin of the phrase “sloppy seconds” actually comes from the act of having a second joe

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness? Me: I have so many, it’s hard to pick just one, ha ha! Interviewer: Me: Probably my poorly timed humor.

i liked backrooms a lot but it's sooooooo hard not to make fun of it as the "zoomers are afraid of hallways" movie

licking my finger to turn the page while i’m reading on my kindle

peeling a hot dog like a string cheese

They call me Mr. Minds His Own Business (I assume)

Lansing State Journal editor: "hey did you write that start of summer fluff piece about spiders yet?" LSJ reporter: "sure did, boss, real fuckin' sexy like you asked" editor: "what"

Well, it happened again. I got put on the jumbotron at the grocery store and everyone booed my groceries

Mortal Kombat Bread Ninja:

It's cute how Velveeta shells and cheese think I can get 3 servings out of that box

Can't belive how many blocks I got for this 🤣 Must be Velveeta employees

For my next trick I'm going to saw myself in half. Now pay close attention because I can only do this once

May I have your attention, please. Today is the birthday of my dear friend and beloved bluesky member, @ygrene.bsky.social. Please drop a nice wish for him here, and repost everything he's ever posted.

This comic depicts a real event.

Every health article about periods is like, "Even though this affects half the population of humans on Earth we still don't know exactly why it happens because thy wombe is a wandringe feend ful of devises."

i had a professor tell a room of us that we would one day forget his name. he was making a point about historical recollection but his name was mr. lampkin and i remembered his name out of pure spite

I got upgraded to first class on my current flight (it happens sometimes, I fly a lot for work), and immediately felt like a different person. Found myself thinking about how marginal tax rates are too high and western birth rates are too low. Crazy

I will take lessons in masculinity from Ted Cruz right after I take a course in Crock-Pot cooking from Jeffrey Dahmer.

I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Just go to settings > features > worms, then change the "worms pouring out of my phone" toggle from "yes" to "maybe later"

Me [turning on my favorite show]: I can’t wait to watch this week’s episode. They ended on a cliffhanger last week. Show: *devotes entire episode to flashback* Me: SON OF A

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it's cute, but when I do it I'm "in need of an intervention"?

I also get booed wherever I go, due to my ways

Tom Brady Launches Good Nut Right in Yo Mouth

I hope that one day we will find a cure for Alzheimer’s so he’ll remember being booed at the Knicks game.

The correct response to seeing nine trumpeter swans in your backyard pond is: 1. Stop what you’re doing. 2. Stare at them for an unreasonable amount of time. 3. Send approximately 47 videos to friends. 4. Mention it at every opportunity for the next six months.

BREAKING: Flesh-Eating Maggot Discovered in Texas; RFK Jr Responds to News By Saying “I Have a Name, You Know”

welcome to Boo York mr president

*flipping through a dictionary to check the definition of confidential*

“let the pizza rest for five min-“ the pizza can rest when it’s dead

phrasing babe jesus

“I’ve heard so much about you “ -me forgetting someone’s name immediately

it's "What Would Jesus Do?" not "What Would You Do If You Were Jesus?"