unclench my jaw so all of my teeth can fall out no thank you

mo money mo problems yes. but also, have you considered:no money, even mo problems

A fisherman who gets abducted by aliens is really just getting a taste of his own medicine.

Horrifying if literal: a coat of arms

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

I have to assume Lionel Richie wrote the lyrics "Easy like Sunday morning" before he had kids.

Remember when we cancelled cable to save money? Now I pay more than cable ever charged me to subscribe to 12 streaming apps and still rent the one thing I actually want.

when life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. it is time. there is no turning back now. you are the Lemon Keeper.

if I ever make it to 6k I’ll do a video of me blowing bubbles while doing a headstand

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

starting to have my doubts about the prestigious FIFA Peace Prize

Hey Hollywood: Dragons vs WWII fighter planes. You’re welcome.

Winnie-the-Pooh is short for Winnipeg Pooh.

Superman has the fortress of solitude. I have the basement guest bathroom.

He’s a cat, why the fuck does he hate any day of the week?

I ended up in the wrong existence to never do heroin.

I bought a houseplant to learn responsibility. It died immediately. Honestly, a huge relief for both of us.

the last war i attended was the one i drugs, humans were really on the wrong side of that one

My biggest fear is you deviating from the rehearsed script I went over in my head before our meeting.

Please enjoy my posts until most of us are hunted down by AI-driven killer drones.

well son of a bitch i did not want war in my coffee this morning

if you need me, i’ll be in my study, working on a new sandwich

Nice

Why is it called "uninviting" and not just "viting"?

never look at your phone when you get up to take a leak. someone might have started an idiot war

“Cult” is such an ugly word. Father would not approve.

[going up to a pretty woman at the bar] Me: “Hey, I want to introduce you to a friend of mine. He thinks you’re pretty cute. He’s Filthy Rich.” Pretty Woman: “oh okay, I’ll meet him. Where is he?” Richard [covered in goose shit]: “actually I go by Dick now”

I think about her a lot because of this

does it ever occur to jon arbuckle he has to leave the cat food aisle to buy lasagna

They will not stop demanding Birkin bags

Ok but we all agree that the boot shaped McNugget is the best McNugget right

if i were a burglar i’d just carry a vacuum into houses with dogs

Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage

the biggest takeaway from the bafta thing is that we need less awards

I recently went axe throwing for the first time, and I learned three things: 1. I have terrible aim. 2. Waffle House is not an axe throwing venue. 3. Waffle House and its customers are very litigious.

my doctor says it’s terminal unless I surgically remove the groove in my heart

Everything I know about yoga I learned from Dhalsim in Street Fighter.

couple on tandem bike = 2 dui’s

him: whatcha eatin'? me: a salad him: *leaning over island, peering into my bowl* that looks like... me: him: me: it's pickled jalapeno peppers with roja sauce him: me: it's a family recipe him: me: WHAT? him: I'm sleeping on the couch

Anthropomorphic animals gathered round a feast: food eating food.

Collider scopic souper nova

Over the hill and rapidly rolling down the otherside

decaf coffee for the placebo effect

I am now a lady who has peeled eggs in her purse

Being head over heels is literally just standing up regular-style

Very excited to have found a place at the airport that has “chef-inspired menus.” Love to eat food inspired by… the idea of making food.

*batman voice* do you have any cough drops