Woke up to a dream where I asked Ezra Klein what it would take for NYT to look like America— reporters who look like America, editors who look like America, racially and ethnically diverse — he said that could never happen, nobody wants that

I start work "California early" - 8:30am

Every day there are more emails. It will never stop

Grok would elon win baseball contest with Shohei Ohtani Grok: Shohei has some accolades but Elon’s experience managing world class companies give him the edge. After all, what is pitching and hitting compared to conquering space? Grok will Elon kiss human woman Grok: look it’s complicated

English is the worst Word doesn't rhyme with sword, but does rhyme with bird? C'mon now

welcome to bluesky. you can follow me, or my posts can follow you

It's 108 miles to Chicago, I got a full tank of gas, a half pack of cigarettes, it's cloudy, and I'm wearing sunglasses

My spirit animal is that sleepy time tea bear

Ok, this is still my first rodeo but I found some calves

what was this guy’s fucking problem

Supplier: Our blowdryers have 2 settings—screaming banshee or old man wheezing Hotelier: I'll take your whole inventory

"Attila" must have been a much more popular name back when they needed to add "the Hun" to clarify.

this is tremendously appealing

Wife: <Jeff Foxworthy voice> If you know what the age of consent is in a particular state and you post about it, YOU MIGHT BE A PEDOPHILE

All of my political views and policy ideas have basically collapsed to "Punish the Villains" and I mumble it to myself every time I see a news article these days

My neighbors are mad because I have not taken down our 12-foot skeleton yet... and I put a Santa hat on him... and a sign that says "R.I.P. Santa"

i am simply not going to this dude's house to pick up anything

Me: it's just a normal plant, it's fine Fly: I dunno man, it's got teeth Me: it's just leaves, go on Fly: What's it called? Me: a venus fly....friend

I dunno, babe.. maybe get bangs and a new personality

Trump is "retruthing" rando nobodies now because they agree with him that the Democrats must be executed.

Sometimes I'll sit and contemplate the meaning of life and other times I'll wonder if the plural of manatee is 'manatees' or 'menatee'

You have to face the demons along your path and that is why you should always carry snacks. Demons love snacks.

Is there REALLY just an "average" bear?

invaluable means valuable???? what the fuck are we even doing about this

ME: skip school and we’ll go to the movies REBELLIOUS TEEN: fuck you dad i want to learn

[sinking in quicksand] me: oh no wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help me: ok [mambo no. 5 starts to play] me: OH NO

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Whoever coined the phrase “time heals all wounds” was obviously never drawn and quartered before.

I don’t think it’s natural for humans to mate for life. I would be so tired

Bought an immersion blender for the first time at age 43 and I can finally relate to this tweet

When I arrive at the party

I’ve been exploring 80s music with my kids and when we got to the Georgia Satellites my 9yo punched a wall

They should make burner laptops you can snap in half after one zoom meeting

I don't like this big blue "follow back" button that pops up in my notifications. I don't like it at all and will not click it out of spite

ME: i just saw a girl sitting on a tuffet eating curds WIFE: no way ME: no just curds

a horse walks into a bar BARTENDER: *points* horse!

Just went viral in my house (made a comment and my wife went "heh")

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

[a really long time ago] ME: what are you drinking from INVENTOR: a glass ME: what's it made of INVENTOR: glass ME: what are those things on your face INVENTOR: glasses ME: jesus christ dude

wife: would you ever pay for sex? me: before I respond is this a serious offer and how much are you asking for?

COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends. COP: And what would you call that group? CROW: Uh…I want a lawyer

It's not a foolproof plan but every political debate from now on should be a Normal Guy competition. Ask them to describe grocery shopping in detail. Talk about what it's like to have a friend

If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

of course I self medicate I’m not paying some doctor to hand feed me pills

authors you have the chance to do the funniest thing right now