i forgot the word murdered and accidentally yelled “help i’m being stabmaxxed”

so fucking hungover from Earth Day

Yeah I work for The Onion* *the glowing vidalia that floats in the back of my cupboard and commands me to commit crimes

"what if shirts had foreskins?" - the inventor of the turtleneck

I just saw a guy driving with a giant stencil across his windshield that said "King Of Sex" and I'd just like to congratulate his majesty on his 2005 Chevy Cavalier

I truly don’t understand the hostility towards innovation. Just because I crafted my company’s business brand and model to be faithfully based on a classic dystopian sci-fi novel villain’s evil plan to subjugate the human race, suddenly I’m the 'bad guy'?

in the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey

Imagine trying to sexualize me and I am just vibing like this www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8gb7reK/

so they took away my sword and kicked me out because i kept saying "samurais and shine!" every morning

My favorite part of a football game is when they get together and tell secrets before each play.

Here me out: 19 wheelers

huh. this suppository tastes kind of minty

“One thing led to another” yeah, man that’s generally how time works

social media should be like 80’s video games, where if you crash out or become the main character of the day, you have to go all the way back to myspace and start over

In retrospect I didn’t need a rehearsal dinner, I had experience eating dinner many times prior to that.

Me *speaking loudly and ostentatiously shuffling through my mail at the post office*: this "current resident" fella sure has a lot goin' on!

I think it's nice the Beastie Boys had so many friends named Mario they had to specify Mario C. It's like me with Jeffs.

Ashamed Meta Employee Just Tells Everyone He Works As Guard In Private Prison For Disabled Children https://theonion.com/ashamed-meta-employee-just-tells-everyone-he-works-as-g-1851012454/

No, but Destiny’s child might. I’m a survivor.

I will never apologize for a post

ME: if the plural of foot is feet then the plural of boot should be beet SHOE STORE SALESMAN: um okay how do the beet fit

Efficiency tip: Eat a lot of stuff with baking soda in it so as to brush your teeth while you're chewing.

me: he's a glove that sells hamburger helper girl looking at the posters in my room: no i get it

Why would a ROBOT have an ACCENT. Talking about the terminator movie. Sorry this is about 40 years late I've been busy

big bumblebees bump around so politely like “oh, sorry Miss” *tips a little top hat*

CONCRETE INVENTOR: at long last, i’ve created liquid rock [6 hours later] CONCRETE INVENTOR: god damnit

If someone pissed on my leg and told me it's raining the deceit would be the least of my concerns

i don't really know football so to me "Mike Vrabel" is just the sound professor frink shouts when he gets kicked in the crotch

I held back on shit-talking Mr. Beast for a long time because all I really knew about him was he had a face like a haunted doll. I didn't want to hold that against him, but it turns out he's pretty evil anyway so let's call that a W for the ol' intuition.

why do things have to be shrouded in mystery why can’t they be shrouded in hot dogs

Michael jackson haters love to bring up the nude photos of young boys in his bedroom safe, but they never mention all the normal stuff in his house: picture frames, tables, lamps, etc

Luminol but for me to find out who ate the last kitkat.

Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself https://theonion.com/walls-closing-in-on-toddler-who-claimed-tv-broke-itself/

your toxic trait is trying to merge three joke formats into one wolf in this economy

MICHAEL'S CHILD SEX ABUSE ALLEGATIONS WILL RETURN IN AVENGERS DOOMSDAY

Really tried to quit pretzel crisps last week and discovered they're a load-bearing pillar of my mental health at the moment

(forgetting the word thirsty) I’m horny for some water.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

doctor (looking at my x-rays): “here’s the problem ma’am, you’re full of wolves”

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

Asking the stylist to shave off all my hair so I won't get controlled by a rat

My actions were being controlled by a rat that was pulling on my hair, your honor

ME: Ah, but one of us only lies and the other tells only the truth! OTHER GUY: (to the adventures) He does this every time. You guys can just go in

It’s not just my personality that’s infectious now that I have Norovirus.

Hello, this is your long time doctor. Ahead of your appointment, please fill out these 800 forms providing us with information we already have. Thank you

Gregarious would be a great way for Greg and Gary to announce their pending nuptials

SHEEP: okay you're in charge of keeping the flock together ME: what SHEEP: you herd me

"I just hope we can find a happy medium" They speak with the dead, Brenda, people like that are never happy