(reading the news to my wife) Huh, so they're coming out with a new Serum, which is only to be sold in extremely tiny glass bottles. Perhaps due to its concentrated powerfulness

Scientists have discovered a new kind of dust which is up to 10 times dustier than regular dust

At the airport I saw a grown up middle aged adult man pouring a packet of flavor powder in to a bottle of water. That's the kind of stuff you see at the airport

Wipe the last haole the fuck off our turf

If you're going to tell someone an unflattering celebrity you think they look like, you can just say it to them, you don't have to specify that they "probably get this all the time" first

The doctor circumcising me asking if I want it squared off or tapered

Hard to suspend my disbelief while watching Westerns... Seems hard to believe that not a single cowboy would come up with the technology for smokebombs, nunchaku, blow darts, etc, and easily dominate the Old West

What if it was Rogan Atkinson, he’d probably get his head stuck in a uhhhhhhhhh sensory depravation chamber

About me

Oncologist flipping open file folder: I’m afraid your liver is unc

Lenny Kravitz is Bawma in 007 First Light.

Ten years ago “boingo hotspot” was one of the worst collections of syllables you could hear. But now it’s a beloved phrase we all love to encounter

It's somewhat of an impossible dichotomy,

Hey, Wicked For Good when you're done taking care of that green lady, we have our own funny colored supervillain here on planet Earth that we need your help with. And he's in the White House

If I was a kid and my parents had tattoos I'd be pissed. Each one of those things is like $200 that could be cash money in my pocket

Oh no an evil clown just showed up and is doing some clown tricks. Hopefully it’s normal versions of the clown tricks and not evil versions of them

Taking my big pants college daughter out for lunch at the local food hall

GeoCities began as BHI, which stood for Beverly Hills Internet,

Five anonymous Pentagon officials confirm that everyone in power actually had their eyes closed and ears plugged during all the parts when the war crimes were committed

New movie about Jesse Eisenberg profiling Hailey Welch called The End of the Tuah

Indiana Jones seeing a piece of poop in an old dungeon: Poop... I hate this stuff

You gotta respect MJ for picking a quack murder doctor with the perfect level of funny name - not too over the top ridiculous, but just specific enough that I laugh every time someone says their doctor is Dr. Conrad Murray

They should make a movie about a neurotic, fastidious fat guy and a skinny guy who’s a mess

They should make an Eyes Wide Shut for Thanksgiving

Sad to think that at this point in his career if actor and comedian Steve Martin were to die from accidentally getting shot through the head with an arrow, it wouldn't even be that funny or ironic anymore. It would mostly just be a horrific tragedy

It's pronounced Olivia Noose-y because having to hear about her makes you want to stick your damn head in one!

I've invented a brand new type of dance, called the Boot Scootin' Boogie

According to today's WSJ, setting money on fire makes up 90% of GDP growth. Trying to extinguish the money fire could trigger a recession. We can't afford to put out the money fire

The fruits are obtusely 3-lobed, densely papillose capsules

Rap is bad now because they don't make any good products anymore. You used to be able to rap about Bubble Goose jackets and Coogi sweaters and the Cutlass Ciera, and rap was good, but now you can only rap about bluetooth speakers and $150 sweatpants and those mesh shoes everyone has

Beginning to suspect my latest gang stalking target assignment is a secret shopper hired by the company to covertly assess my gang stalking performance

They’re shooting my ass with darts that make me more awake

The store getting in a brand new seasonal beer and it rings up 50% off because they use the same UPC as the old seasonal beer they were trying to get rid of. Not many feelings in life better than that

Forgot to let the flavors meld when I was cooking tonight. All the flavors stayed separate

Experts believe that due to his well-documented love of having his thang sucked on, former president Bill Clinton may have received immense pleasure from the oral by current president Donald Trump.

Wrote a song about Dianne Wiest in my head last night while watching Hannah and Her Sisters that would be a 100% number one billboard pop hit. But I forgot to write it down at all and it’s gone now

When you get a job at a newspaper you have to check if it's one of the ones where you report on child sex trafficking rings or one of the ones where you call to warn the child sex traffickers that other people are reporting on them

Scientist 1: Could I have some of Hitler's DNA please? For doing experiments on Scientist 2: Yes here you go

Lots of pissed off people online who are apparently learning about the Democratic Party for the first time today

Getting the surgery where they take 2 inches out of each femur and use it to make one of my arms 4 inches longer

Artificial sweetener Aspartame is named after the ancient Greek city of Sparta. All the scientists were watching the movie 300 and saying "Welcome to Sparta, bitch!" and doing the moves on each other when they got the idea for it

They're steaming my ass in a special tray

Love reading about the arts

Bread people aren't allowed to say "boule" anymore. You guys have to come up with a new word for that, you can't be saying "boule"

At Chipotle and the employees are letting me decide how much food to put in all the delivery orders. They're holding up a small scoop of food and I'm doing a slow thumbs down like in Gladiator to say the scoop should be even smaller

About me

I found a pair of special sunglasses which have enlightened me to the secret truth about our society, which is that everything is slightly too bright all the time