Getting the surgery where they take 2 inches out of each femur and use it to make one of my arms 4 inches longer

Artificial sweetener Aspartame is named after the ancient Greek city of Sparta. All the scientists were watching the movie 300 and saying "Welcome to Sparta, bitch!" and doing the moves on each other when they got the idea for it

They're steaming my ass in a special tray

Love reading about the arts

Bread people aren't allowed to say "boule" anymore. You guys have to come up with a new word for that, you can't be saying "boule"

At Chipotle and the employees are letting me decide how much food to put in all the delivery orders. They're holding up a small scoop of food and I'm doing a slow thumbs down like in Gladiator to say the scoop should be even smaller

About me

I found a pair of special sunglasses which have enlightened me to the secret truth about our society, which is that everything is slightly too bright all the time

I never considered that the video of me drunk and shirtless at a wedding would come back to embarrass me

It's positioned as a complete ecosystem

They're coming out with a new leaf you can put in food while you cook it. It's not just going to be bay leaf anymore

Behold, what honk from yonder window breaks. It is the bobo, and Juliet is the Steven Tyler

Not my ass ovulating

Walked by a lady walking her dog and she was inside the door to her building and the dog was still outside like he didn’t know he was supposed to go inside, so I said “Go inside, dode,” rather than either “Go inside, dog” or “Go inside, dude.” Not sure which I was attempting

The doctors say I have the wrong amount of blood... They're not sure whether it's not enough, or whether it's too much, but they know it's not the right amount

Getting jounced off the limb of the tree that is Life

Killing one of my favorite podcast hosts' pets for each company that sends them stuff for free

Getting my ass shot with buckshot and other bullets

Last chance for ants

Headbanging is the new smoking

Every day the construction guys come and run another wire from the telephone pole in the alley to the side of my building. Every day they’re running a new wire. I don’t know what they’re running all these wires for

Had a dream I was listening to the radio and they played a country song called “The Stanley Cup Is Broken in My Brother’s Truck”

Went to throw a trash bag in the dumpster and someone had put some mylar balloons still full of helium inside and just shut the lid and when I opened it they floated away

Not too excited new Mission Impossible because I assume half the stuff they show in the trailer are just fake out scenarios involving Wolf Blitzer

New zine

Well maybe if you stop singing hurtful rhymes about me for one second I'd be able to explain that the reason I look like a monkey is actually somewhat related to the fact that I smell like one too

Tying a miniature lobster bib around my nut sack