I should grow a long beard so I can hide this extra chin

It's always Florida

the highest gun ownership rate in the world and nobody can fucking aim

Cascade: buy our product so you don’t have to eat off of cum soaked plates.

Who called it “blood alcohol content” and not “the DUI decimal system”?

don't give me scented nail polish if you don't want me to walk up to everyone I meet and say 𝓼𝓶𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓶𝔂 𝓯𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓻

My manager doesn't want to trust me? OK, I guess Im firing out all emails to him for approval, though I have the capacity. 🤷‍♀️

Me doing some yard work

Anti-wrinkling cream, my ass. My balls are as wrinkly as ever.

Broccoli. I had to Google before posting to make sure I spelled it right.

Since my manager doesn't trust me, I think Im just going to sit at my desk and read a good book the duration of my shift.

Morgan Wallen makes music for people who can see their bathroom from their kitchen

Plot twist: I shit YOUR pants

Every Bruins fan: you weren’t even a Sabres fan in December!! Every Sabres fan: Rob Ray was present at my birth and Rick Jeanneret gave the eulogy at my grandfather’s funeral.

And S/O to the Boston fan who slammed her drink since it was time to go

Anybody who plays for Boston is a piece of shit. Always have been. Always will be. Must be a prerequisite to join the team.

WE WANT SEVEN!!!! #Sabres

Film you've watched more than six times with a gif.

"baby steps" I mutter while crashing into things and falling down

I know a bunch of you have birthdays today because you advertised it weeks ago. But I dont remember who. So happy birthday!!

I wish i was as cool as some of you think you are.

ballroom? yeah i’d love some. these pants are way too tight.

Timeline cleanse

Long story short, "everybody poops" is not a good legal defense for using the mall fountain as a bidet.

Not all men but always a man.

“How could you cheat on Megan Thee Stallion?” That’s the problem. He’s a cheater, hard stop. It has nothing to do with her. It don’t matter how you look, what you have, or what you do in bed. In most cases, if they’re a cheater then that’s who they are.

I do not want Pat McAfee I do not want him on T.V. I do not want him on my shows I do not want his punting toes. I do not want his awful takes Or all his subject-verb mistakes. I've had enough of gamble-ing It's seeped its way to every-thing I do not want Pat McAfee Please keep him off of my T.V.

I've never met a make and model like you in my life.

Who's your birthday twin?

I think it’s time we retired “kiss my ass” as an insult now that it’s a preferred activity of so many

Holy shit I just realized that the Sabres have a D pair that is Owen and Bowen. What the fuck?

These referees should all have their phones checked for betting apps.

Don’t do it…!🫣

Ladies if your man - is smooth in the backpedal - is a leader on the field - has great hip swivel He is NOT a first round cornerback. He is Shakira.

Me: Why does my cat bite me? Veterinarian: Because his paws are too tiny to choke you.

These refs are back on their bullshit. #Sabres

Woke up to my project grade being posted...... ........ ........ I ACED IT!!!! So I WILL be graduating next Friday!! 🥳

so fucking hungover from Earth Day

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting in your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye, it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

i forgot the word murdered and accidentally yelled “help i’m being stabmaxxed”

I still remember the golden days of Bluesky when it was all wolves, buttholes, and cilantro.

"Go tit" is the party tit, in case you're wondering hahaha my stay tit is smaller and more conservative 🤣

So, just sent a Teams message to one of our legal liaisons that said "go tit." How's your day going?

bananas entering a smoothie mix to overpower the flavor

Reposting other people's selfies is..... weird.

Chanting "Swayman" isn't having the effect they think it is.

When #Sabres lose tonight, at least the fights made up for it.

Football refs are damn near perfect compared to these hockey refs. Dang. #Sabres