A Tortoise goes into the police station to report he was mugged by a gang of snails. "Did you get a good look at the assailants?" "Not really - it all happened so fast..." I'll see myself out.

#StarTrek #LOTR

One of many services I offer is to remind you daily to eat some cheese

you know what i really am

Transferring my consciousness into a gas station pepperoni stick

<---- calling it 'valentimes day' just to piss people off

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo tango hotel india sierra

Saw a license plate that said MANFST and still don't know if it was for manifest or man fest. Both maybe?

Cuteness overload

Could we just skip to February 15th and celebrate with a 50% off heart-shaped box of bonbons?

"I would like to petition a motion to Close Camp Crystal Lake."

#WhatMakesMeSceptical past experience

BBQ Joint/Escape Room concept called The Rib Cage

Always carry a bean with you. That way when someone asks you how your meal is, you can say “it’s tastier than this bean is.”

As the World Stops and Melts With You

Well, I got to find out what the drunk trampoline police is today. Just a misunderstanding in my neighbor’s yard. I puked on the trampoline, big deal. Drunk trampoline police🤷🏻‍♂️ What a dumb career. What kid says, I want to be a drunk trampoline police when I grow up?

I think I’m going to just tape them to my actual hands and go be explicit with my neighbors that I am “artisanal wolverine.”

(being interviewed by a giant chicken) GC: says here you made overalls for a company in Wisconsin? M: yes, for OshKosh (please don't say b'gok please don't say b'gok)

My kittens have grown up too damn fast. Here's Copia (gold tabby little girl) and Double Whopper With Cheese (dark grey pretty boy)

I frew up

I was served cobra soup and nearly choked on a snake pit.

you should probably get tested. -a valentine’s text

mourning poser for you🖤✨

Oh to be a little Tardigrade walking around a microscopic volvox algae colony. 🫧🐻🧪

It’s sprinkling just enough to redecorate the car with polka dots.

You get two #tbt today. That’s how much I care about your mental wellness #illustration #creepy #darkart #promosky