Reverse cowgirl so she won't see me eating a turkey leg.

Retail workers the week before Christmas...

No, my Christmas shopping isn't done, but I did come up with the palindromic slogan "Pepsi is pep," so I would like Pepsi to give me one million dollars next week, please.

The Olympic javelin throw was invented by a man who had just lost 50 bucks shooting pool.

Please stop donating your fruitcake to the animals. They don't like it either.

Every self-help book eventually boils down to “Well, have you tried not being yourself?”

Biggest surprise in the Epstein files has been the killer soup recipes.

December 23rd already? Looks like everyone on my list is getting oil changes for Christmas.

Someone with a Daffy Duck avi just reposted me but I don’t think it’s the real Daffy Duck

Simply having a government-mandated Christmastime.

Superman's real name is Kal-El. Superman's father's name was Jor-El. But when Superman eats pepperoni, it's Hormel. Hormel: It's Superman's favorite pepperoni.™

Hoping to one day whittle down a tree trunk to its #2 lead center.

you don't see many debates about batman's nipples anymore but pepperidge farm remembers

For best results when using Occam's Razor, one should first apply Occam's Shaving Cream.

I was considering becoming a vegetarian for health reasons, but I don't think I could eat fish and chips EVERY night.

Historians say the first successful organ transplant happened in 1954, but in the 12th century, the British had a king named Richard the Lionheart, so obviously someone here is lying.

You will be visited by 3 ghosts

Sorry I called rocks "feral bricks."

Biggest surprise in the Epstein files has been the killer soup recipes.

Surprising lack of supreme court justices with neck tattoos.

The Olympic javelin throw was invented by a man who had just lost 50 bucks shooting pool.

Simply having a government-mandated Christmastime.

Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit

The real kicker about the Trump-Kennedy Center name change is that the "Kennedy" part is now in honor of RFK Jr.

butter has the calcium I need for strong buttery bones

Reverse cowgirl so she won't see me eating a turkey leg.

You're telling me Joker got away bc the Batmobile lost a wheel? A billionaire needs to call AAA? What a shoddily designed non-street-legal car/tank. And to top it off, Batman smells? What does he smell like, guano pâté? You know, due to his need to incorporate bats into everything? Eat the rich bats

CONCERT PROMOTER'S ASSISTANT: Well, we could book Shinedown or we could book Godsmack-- but we can only afford one. CONCERT PROMOTER RICHARD DAWKINS: Let's book Shinedown. I don't believe in Godsmack.

Hey, vitamin makers: Anything is "chewable" if you have freakishly strong teeth. Stop telling me what to do.

A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage, and a banana in every hammock.

(checking a comically large watch) time to ruin your fucking life

*holiday party at my place* GTFO of here with your un-figgy pudding, Gladys.

People act like it's such an accomplishment to have climbed K2, but I once did something even more grueling: I paid to see K-19 The Widowmaker in the theater.

Sorry I referred to Mexico as "Old Mexico."

I'm gonna snap if my neighbor's robotic Christmas reindeer keeps talking to me in my sleep and calling me Berkowitz.

I was trying to sing "Santa Baby" at Christmas karaoke but I'm so insecure, I ended up singing "Santa, My Dude" instead.

Historians say the first successful organ transplant happened in 1954, but in the 12th century, the British had a king named Richard the Lionheart, so obviously someone here is lying.

For people who call it Xmas, do you also refer to our Lord and Saviour as Jesus X? Because that would be cool.

Her: There's definitely something fishy about you. Me *who is actually a dolphin in disguise* There fucking isn't.

“try to avoid snacking after dinner” okay then I will starve to death in the night. good bye

Slowly making a Venetian blind by encouraging him to jerk off- a lot.

Millions of children today will never experience the joy of running down to the store to buy cigarettes for their parents.

me and the boys* at the fertility clinic finding out our ABV%** *my balls **absolute baby volume

My doctor says I have the blood pressure of a man half my age and already dead.

Hoping there is someone in America who is a worthy successor to the title of "Meathead."

Got thrown out of Olive Garden for telling the hostess I'm in the mafia.

I won’t even walk across the office to see a coworker’s new baby. Nothing in the world could get me to ride a camel across the desert to deliver essential oils to a newborn in a barn

We have an opening for "big cat trainer." Must be faster than our previous big cat trainer.