I ask people the same thing when I'm going to Big Lots.

Dimming the lights and putting this on to get my indie rock gf in the mood:

Showing my support for No Kings by fistfighting emperor penguins at the south pole.

If I were the vice president of the United States and I was booed by an Olympic crowd, I would poop my JD Pants.

My hobbies include overthinking, under-preparing, and acting surprised when those things collide.

Clinton will admit that yes, he’s been to Pedophile Island — but only after getting shipwrecked on what was supposed to be a three-hour tour.

reminding my mom that she said I could get a nose ring when I’m 50

it's been a while so here's a pack of some of my favorite people go.bsky.app/3cVJfpD

I think it's important you all know: I have never met Jeffrey Epstein in my life. But I have been to Pedophile Island. Jeff wasn't home at the time, so I just hung out, played shuffleboard, and ate some paella. But I had to be in Lisbon the next day, so I couldn't stay. Nice place, Pedophile Island.

An animated remake of 8 Mile starring Tygra from Thundercats instead of Eminem.

Lighting a church on fire in honor of the new Mayhem album that came out today.

Me and the gf were feeling kinky so we tried reverse reverse cowgirl. Somehow, it felt instantly familiar.

Does this floor rotating under my feet make me look high?

Showing my support for No Kings by fistfighting emperor penguins at the south pole.

Ahhh, fish. The vegetable of meat.

This meeting could’ve been a karate match

Taking up smoking to ween myself off nicotine lozenges.

Nobody: Guy in 1970's band to other guys in 1970's band: Let's hang out with no shirts on!

Appliance salesman: sorry, what? Me: I said I'm looking for a dryer that a stepmom could get stuck in

frances' law: any outing before 10am is simply a pretext to get a mcmuffin

Clinton will admit that yes, he’s been to Pedophile Island — but only after getting shipwrecked on what was supposed to be a three-hour tour.

The planet's overcrowded, so don't have children- have jello instead. There's always room for it.

"LET'S GET READY TO GENERATE CONTENT!"

i'm fatuated with you, i'm not 𝘪𝘯fatuated with you.

Nobody: Guy in 1970's band to other guys in 1970's band: Let's hang out with no shirts on!

It's going to finally be over 20 degrees today for grounding day, and if I see my testicles descend, that means spring is right around the corner.

whatever you do don’t ask their age

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

Work should have an end of day hug sesh like SNL

When trains started cracking down on stowaways it led to a sharp rise in hobophobia

Not everybody was kung fu fighting. I saw a little thumb wrestling, too.

It’s not box wine, it’s cardboardeaux.

Telling the barista to announce me as "The Center Square of Debonair" when my latte's ready.

Taking up smoking to ween myself off nicotine lozenges.

Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole My Virginity

There is no hotter planet in our solar system than planet "The Sun."

Can't believe Optimus Prime is in the Epstein files.

If you've built your life around a set of beliefs, you should be able to defend them. For example, I believe Mr. Peanut has a peanut-shaped dick

Pretty sure my therapist just muttered “this bitch” under her breath

Bill Gates hasn't been this embarrassed about an STD since he launched Herpes '95.

I envy people who believe in conspiracy theories. It must be nice to believe someone's in charge.

Note from HR: Our lion tamer reports increased job satisfaction since we eliminated the lion agitator position from payroll.

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

some people contain multitudes…i contain six gas station hot dogs

Kid Rock is my least favorite character on Yellowstone.

RIP legend. Too good for this shithouse world. variety.com/2026/tv/news...

The wheel in the SKY, man! Can't you see it? It's turning. So anyway, I'm not gonna make it to work today.

The biggest worry about life on Pedophile Island is that Pedophile Mountain could erupt at any time.

i basically have to be high on psilocybin to be able to spell psilocybin.

Tried to give blood to the red cross today, but they wouldn't let me donate because my blood pressure was too high. I tried pointing out to them that if they'd take my blood, my pressure would go down and everybody would win, but they still said no.