Bobby Bonilla just knocked at my door by mistake while looking for his annual check.

Well sadly, June is over. Happy Shame Month, everybody!

Heard the girl did porn for meth, or meth for porn- either way, that's hardcore.

You know, the real "machine" that Tom Morello & Co. were raging against was gluten.

i hate when june ends and you can't be gay anymore

Sorry I faked my death to get out of your book club

Formulating a plan for how I might mow the lawn this week without bursting into flames.

Old enough to recognize this as a data center

Ran out of champagne and orange juice so I made mimosas out of Riunite and Tang.

*returning library book to librarian I have a crush on* I read ALL the words in this.

just realised bible jesus and christmas jesus are the same guy

With all due respect to apples, they really didn't move the needle for me until they were crossbred with the pine.

I served on the supreme court and all I have to show for it is this crummy private island.

Brisket Over Troubled Water

Lost my copies of The Metamorphosis and The Trial and now people call me Sans Kafka.

TFW I see a coupon I've been holding on to has expired and I get excited because now I can throw it away.

Something I have in common with Winnie the Pooh is that I, too don't wear pants around children.

charging my tampons in the full moon

Not only is Ferrero Rocher a delicious chocolate treat, it is also the ex-wife of the late Ferrero Rosonny.

Touch, peel, AND stand? In this economy??

I have tea and petit fours in the back of my Dragula

Walking up to ladies in the club and introducing myself as Stan Musial.

Sadly, since the band's breakup roughly 30 years ago, scientists estimate there are now less than 8,000 maniacs left.

Football - or as you call it, "British soccer."

Ate some special mushrooms earlier and now I'm peking like a duck.

"A banker from Sri Lanka?" Oh, you mean a Sri Banka.

Become my friend so after someone important to you passes away, I can console you with a well-timed "bummer, man."

Using the short urinal in the men's room so I can make believe I'm Gulliver.

*returning library book to librarian I have a crush on* I read ALL the words in this.

If you meet a woman wearing a t-shirt that just says “college,” you’ve just met a porn actress.

You put the X on the treasure map to honor Malcolm, son.

If I ran a funeral home, I would hire Paige from WWE to hang out near the coffin at viewings so the corpse would look more alive by comparison.

they're in hell because they never got baptized

Everyone knows there's no "I" in team, but did you know that there's no "Q," either? In fact, there are no less than TWENTY-TWO letters that aren't in the word team, and today I will list them all. My name is Rob Cee and welcome to my TED talk.

Sorry I used the phrase "meat pole" when we were talking dirty.

Government waste is a real thing-- I could have screwed up the reflecting pool for a fraction of that $16 million price tag.

Lost my job jerking off penguins at the zoo.

welcome to cum burger, were gonna cum in your burger, what can I get for ya

How mattresses are made…

The natural enemy of the flash mob is the reverse-flash mob.

alright folks we have reached cruising altitude and i have turned off the fasten seatbelt sign and i also declare myself emperor of the sky, which the internet tells me is something i can do when i reach cruising altitude

Overwhelmed by all the meats-on-a-skewer options at the Turkish place is aka shish-kombobulated

Fuck Dave and his killer bread.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.

This is what british people in old rave footage look like

I wish I was into anything as much as some people are into being from Texas.

Million dollar idea: Shaquarium.

I would like to watch Dagwood eat that sandwich. I need to understand logistically how it works. I cannot sleep until I have answers. My life is a waking nightmare

My favorite song about being too cheap to rent a car while on vacation is "Walking In Memphis."