Asking Dunkin right here and right now to put the spread & seasoning on the bottom of the bread and rename it Reverse Cowgirl Toast.

most people stop listening to new music after they turn 30 but you have to make the effort to hate as many new artists as possible with what time you’ve got left

Stopped to use the bathroom earlier and I missed all of today's daylight.

Sad to wake up one day feeling like you could finally pull off wearing a vest, only to realize your best vest years are already behind you.

I was drunk and trying to say "foisted by my own petard," but it came out as "I'm petarded" instead.

Explaining to a python that I wasn't belittling how he takes down his prey, I was merely offering some constrictive criticism.

What I lack in handsomeness I make up for in paleness and lethargy.

Thrown out of Sesame Street Fanfest for asking the guest speaker if Big Bird has a similarly big cloaca.

Eydie Gorme: Blame it on the bossa nova. The Bossa Nova: Wait, I can explain-

I’m not a huge fan of pokémon or anything but yeah I would eat a pikachu

eelectricity™

The future of electricity is in eels.

At the bar, hitting on college girls, telling them about the last episode of Rockford Files I watched.

Michelob Ultra: It's 10 oz. of Michelob we held under a faucet until it was full.™

Ocean's-11-style slow pan + zoom across the casino floor to me fighting a horse-sized duck

You know, things are so tough all over and it's just nice to see somebody in our country get a raise.

Got kicked out of flight school for calling helicopters "whirly planes."

Stopped to use the bathroom earlier and I missed all of today's daylight.

Bought some off-brand Tylenol and it had the smallpox vaccine in it.

-Knock knock. -Who's there? -The lead singer of Simply Red. -The lead singer of Simply Red who? -If you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me.

No no, you misunderstand- I was complimenting you when I said you look like American Psycho.

Man, the lengths people will go to for a better spaghetti sauce.

Michelob Ultra: It's 10 oz. of Michelob we held under a faucet until it was full.™

[Werner Herzog voice] Actually, the McRib never goes away. It is we who are here for a limited time.

[hearing that someone has died] oh no that guy hated dying

Watching bodycam videos of drunk-ass, entitled white women makes me want to fund the police.

The McDonald's Monopoly game should have prizes to eat at a better restaurant

Asking chatGPT what human flesh tastes like.

Tried a new chatbot called ChatHGH. First thing it did was ask me how much I bench and when I said I don't lift, it called me a pussy.

Great list that I somehow ended up on. Steve is a jewel and AI-guided metrics suggest you should be following him, so don't make Skynet angry.

A-Always B-Be C-Closing D-Doors because E-Electric heat isn't F-Free Heat is for closers only.

Thrown out of Sesame Street Fanfest for asking the guest speaker if Big Bird has a similarly big cloaca.

now. what to do with an extra 16 hours of darkness

I set my clock back two hours last year, so I'm all set

Girl, I love you like a pharaoh loves pyramids.

My porn name is Abner Doubleday.

BREAKING: Riots break out in Philadelphia following Dodgers win

if the Dodgers win in Toronto I hope they’re ready to feel the wrath of Canadians (saying “good game” to them on the street)

This is the most exciting thing Will Smith has done since punching Chris Rock in the face.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up Adderall."

For just 50 cents a day you can throw a roll of pennies at Keith in accounting

I can't wipe my ass with this paper- it's made of toilets.

Best Crosby Stills and Nash solo albums: 1. David Crosby- If I Could Only Remember My Name 2. Stephen Stills- Stephen Stills 3. Graham Nash- Stick Out Your Dumper For Graham Nash

*burnout guy explaining U2 * There's no name for the streets that are in your mind, man.

Italian guy, sticking ramen noodles to the wall to see if they're done cooking.

Bono swallows eight spiders a year, too- but the difference is that he's awake and actively trying every time he does it.

Courtroom temperature.

Showing up for court with a briefcase full of cold cuts.

Blue Jays not pitching to Ohtani reminds me of how the girls at my high school wouldn't pitch to me.