Old habits die hard. I still think of today's non-commie Germany as "West Germany."

A gritty, Christopher Nolan-style reboot of Popeye.

I may be thinking world cup, but you better believe I'm acting local cup.

Turning chicken into dinosaur-shaped nuggets is reverse evolution.

Ironically, the man who discovered copper, a Neolithic human who lived over 10,000 years ago (around 9000 BCE) in Southeast Anatolia, died penniless.

What's your favorite thing about premature ejaculation? I'll go first -

no seriously, the whole shack shimmies, your honor

not now sweetie mommy is watching ronin (1998) with bobby deniro

[yelling over club music] I said death is the loss of future love

A thing about me is even if I'm having a great time I can't wait to go home

Girl I crushed on all through high school wrote in my yearbook "Don't ever change." I was 26 when I finally took off my Big Johnson T-shirt.

Commercials now bringing to life the mysterious link in my head between planet fitness and the m&m-shaped head of Dick Vitale.

Randy Orton coming out of nowhere to RKO a moose drinking from a mountain stream.

Camping outside H&R Block so I can get the best taxes

Ohtani looking into the stands and betting the over on me eating 2 dodger dogs.

*first day as first grade teacher* Obviously, we eat turkey at Thanksgiving because it represents the body of Christ.

asking my followers to stick with me as my account won’t really takeoff until season four

There are 52 cards in a traditional deck of playing cards- one for each season of Blue Bloods.

All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav

OH. COME. ON.

Hey darlin', are you from Tennessee? Because you've got mountains and I keep mixing you up with Kentucky.

You know who has been suspiciously quiet about all this lately? The prehistoric salt water crocodile

One of life’s great ironies is that you don’t know it’s a no-wiper until you actually wipe.

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

Forget about sexual content, violence, or substance use- a tv show or movie should have a warning up front that Catherine O'Hara is in it and that if you're still sad about her death, you might not be ready to watch it yet.

Kangaroos will eventually evolve to have a full chest of drawers instead of a pouch.

*painstakingly cracks safe to reveal smaller safe inside*

Sorry I called Oklahoma "Texas Canada."

We’ve told all the casting agents that the Weird Al biopic sequel is currently on hold, but they just keep sending in headshots.

now that we are in world war 3 and everything is terrible, i think we could find a new way to package cinnamon rolls. my anxiety levels simply cannot handle exploding cans any longer

[foghorn leghorn at a glory hole] son i say son this hole got a mouth like an outboard motor

Thrown out of LaGuardia after trying to have a "collision" with someone in a bathroom stall.

Complimenting a dog by calling him Yorkshire Terriest.

Of course I am thirsty, but don't cry for me, Aquafina.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A song, but about a thong.

Fibonacci is not as bad as a baldfacelieonacci

Leopard: Rawwwr Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

Let it be known that if called upon, I will show my buttocks to the pope.

the gifted kid to chronically online adult pipeline

Maybe William Tell just really hated apples.

Recently noticed that many of my favorite vegetables are served on the cob.

Until 1999, the world was just full of songs that told us how great scrubs were. Since '99? Not so much.

it’s ok sun, i too hide amongst the clouds from time to time

“100% of Foo Fighters fans enjoy their music.”

Taking some Miralax in an effort to "open up the Strait of Hormuz."

If I could curse people, my go to curse would be making vegans werewolves

The internet: People telling people they're wrong just so other people can see them being right.™

we should know less about each other

Comedians In Cars Getting Herpes