My favorite movie about a hot yet miserable woman is The Hateful 8.

Had to go to the dentist today to get a crown put on. Some people inbreed for generations to get that honor. All I had to do was really love Skittles.

My biggest problem with spaghetti westerns is the noticeable lack of pasta.

Rob Thomas is a New York 5, but a Matchbox 20.

mid life pisces ❤️

Ice cream sandwich manufacturers bc like, “naw dawg, you gonna eat a little bit of paper.”

Can't believe this is Turtle from Entourage today.

Bram Stoker’s Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

90 Minute Fiancé

I'm three episodes into the HBO John Adams miniseries and no one has rapped yet; this is bullshit.

New Hallmark After Dark channel where all movies are Hallmark movies but each one contains at least one full frontal scene.

Next time anyone shows you pictures of their new baby, just scoff, say “AI,” and turn away.

Wait-wait-wait, hear me out: Fiber M&M's.

Wake me up before you go-go. Also, please bring coffee, a ham steak, and any information you have regarding the untimely disappearance of my beloved manservant, Lorenzo.

Bleaching my pubes and shaving them into the exact shape and configuration of Hulk Hogan's hairline and mustache.

It's only a manila envelope if it comes from the island of Luzon in the Philippines. Otherwise, it's just light brown.

michael douglas now claims to have gotten scurvy, once again from eating too much pussy

her: hi my name is lisa noelle me: oh hi isa

We cannot, will not advance as a society until we learn not to care what Elon Musk says about anything.

Carbo-loading for Toyotathon.

Tortellini salad is my favorite salad because it makes the word "salad" meaningless.

“You could lose access to 6 years of your Gmail history” man I would like to lose access to the last 6 years of all history get out of here

Had to go to the dentist today to get a crown put on. Some people inbreed for generations to get that honor. All I had to do was really love Skittles.

Warden threw a party in the county jail; prison band was there and it was pretty cool, so go do crime, kids. You'll have fun no matter what happens.

New Hallmark After Dark channel where all movies are Hallmark movies but each one contains at least one full frontal scene.

Trump's response: "Polls? Can't trust the polls. Polls are very bad... very unfair to presidents who tank economies."

Just received news that it is in fact once again *Not* My Time To Shine.

Pain is weakness leaving the body early to beat traffic

Living my life in mortal fear of Pucid: the evil Cupid that shoots guys in the balls.

The closest I came to an ivy league school was the time I got drunk and caught a dart in my mouth.

you're laughing. a waymo committed suicide and you're laughing

The title just is the clunkiest thing. “And Grogu” would ruin any title. Chinatown and Grogu. Fight Club and Grogu. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and Grogu.

The Roth IRA is far superior to the Hagar IRA, in my opinion.

star wars nerds be like where the party at-at

Wake me up before you go-go. Also, please bring coffee, a ham steak, and any information you have regarding the untimely disappearance of my beloved manservant, Lorenzo.

My favorite variety of grain is multigrain. Single grains? Strictly for chumps. Come to flavor country.

I like to think of myself as the Hulk Hogan of not being racist.

Attending the orgy as my swinger alter ego: Don Quixparty.

Just repaired my own bidet. Ladies, please form an orderly line over here.

In 1970 jizz was chunkier

MY STEPMOM: *stuck in a washing machine* help ME: I got this *googles stepmom stuck in washing machine* what the

I never saw Castaway. Does Tom Hanks eventually fuck the ball?

poking a straw through one of those boxed mac & cheese sauce pouches and drinking from it like a capri sun

Planning a huge party for when gasoline hits $6.9 a gallon.

You want me to take a drug test? I'll take a drug test right here, right now. I might not pass it, but I will take the hell out of that drug test.

*ordering at Arby's* One "the meats," please.

*telling someone about my bluesky account* Yeah, you know I'm 'bout that life.

If you can't carpe diem, carpe joinem.

When I’m too drunk to remember the word “ravioli.”