guys, we're kinda getting out of control with the podcasts

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

🎵in the middle of the night🎵 🎵i tell mom that i frowed up🎵

Hulu would find more success if it rebranded as the Bob Burgers App

it was a hit!

pulling up the the christmas party with a pre-loaded bit

This is a very generous depiction of what Kermit and Piggy's kids would actually look like.

I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Kennedy Center.

WTF!? i sold my penis for barely $30,000 this is actually bullshit

coffee culture is so negative CappucciNO AmericaNO MarocchiNO start your day off with some positivity, like a JambalaYA

Scrooge: Go get the goose in the window, the one as big as you! Tiny Tim: Fuck off old man, you ruined my dad's life and now you want his paraplegic son to run your errands? Get bent, grandpa

the average person swallows around eight Santas in their sleep every year

AI took my job so i'm gonna fuck it's wife!

before you buy anything online this holiday season make sure to text your friends that listen to podcasts and ask if they have a promo code for check-out

Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz

cigarettes taste way better when you dip them in ranch

cigarettes taste way better when you dip them in ranch

you dilly, yes, but it's the dally you lack

Today we are unleashing Skynet, from the famous science fiction movie "Don't Create The Skynet"

Benito Mussolini [1929] (colorized)

Benito Mussolini [1929] (colorized)

if i were trapped as an anthropomorphic kitchen utensil in a cursed castle learning a big show-stopping broadway number doesn’t sound like the worst way to pass the time

I have to say: football posts suck. Not funny. Just always exasperated. Hate when I get tricked into reading one. Makes me glad I don’t watch football because no one can even complain about it in a funny way. In conclusion: PEE YEW

iPhone: Allow Location Services? me: only once narrator: it was, in fact, the 487th time

BREAKING!

me lore

Bobs Burgers is better than The Simpsons

Health Concerns Grow After Professor Oak Forgets Grandson’s Name Again hard-drive.net/health-conce...

ALL OF THEM?!?

sam worhitngton has starred in two of the highest grossing movies of all time and nobody knows who he is

fog is just clouds that got lost

Empire is the best Star Wars because halfway through a fucking Muppet shows up

so apparently i “ruined” thanksgiving because the baja blast pie from taco bell i brought put grandma into a “diabetic coma”

that should cover it

will this finally be the season of stranger things where mike finds out his dad is beetlejuice

The last of the original Garbage Pail Kids has died in custody

really could've been an email of duty, even a text of duty

Americans Now Required to Watch 60 Second Ad for SNAP Benefits hard-drive.net/americans-no...

why pay thousands for a therapist when you could just have a very intense conversation with a green goblin mask?

[date] me: what do you do? her: i'm an exterminator me: i hope you were successful in your mission from the future

the impact this guy thinks he has is hysterical

the 'salt' in Salt and Vinegar chips is a bit redundant, no?

subway just offered me unlimited PTO (pickles, tomatoes, onions)

the top 5 crisis gotta be- 1. existential 2. mid-life 3. cuban missile 4. 2008 financial 5. dino

What are your top 5 movie genres? Mine are: A beach makes you old a lady is in the water someone knocks on a cabin what if there was a village? and when the senses reach six

wait, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 Bill Clinton??