tsa agent: [patting me down] are you sensitive in any areas? me: [whispering, hand on my heart] only here

ignoring family until new years because santa brought you a “perform Warbreaker combos to build Adventure Points” ass video game >>>>

erika kirk and JD vance planning the first annual Charlie Kirk Memorial Charity Gala

erika kirk and JD vance planning the first annual Charlie Kirk Memorial Charity Gala

me: [throwing open blinds] you there! boy! what day is it today? street urchin: why, it’s Christmas Day sir! me: oh, wonderful! that means it’s not too late for BOFA street urchin: what’s- shopkeeper: listen, kid. he does this every day

my mom: [clearing her throat at the dinner table] i don’t know what sixty-seven means

Watching the AI Biden Young Sheldon meme by @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social is my holiday tradition.

We Wish You Baby, A Merry It's Cold Christmas Outside 🤝 not going until you get some

producer: what’s the new christmas song about? guy who wrote jingle bell rock: ok, so you know when you are riding your jingle horse to the jingle hop? producer: what the fuck

hemingway if he slayed

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

it’s so funny how the new harry potter show is as close as possible to the movies in every single way - to the point that they’re reusing the music and sets - except two of the characters are now black

feel old yet? the stranger things kids are 47

last minute halloween costume idea that will probably get you waterboarded: the witch that killed charlie kirk

cold email: hey 😎 are you looking to level up your bookkeeping with AI? it’d be super cool to vibe on a quick call: virtual ☕️ on me! follow-up email: guess my email was in your spam 🤔 but it’s not too late haha follow-up to the follow-up: KILL MYSELF??? you wouldn’t care if i was dead. admit it.

one thing that i guess is kind of implied about home ownership but should really be spelled out directly in specific detail is that sometimes you may find a ceiling light full of liquid and it becomes your job to solve That Mystery

why won’t luffy denounce hamas?

not now babe i’m working on my research

they should just let george santos do whatever gremlin crime shit he wants. we need this

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

love your work mrs theranos but how do you walk into this

government shut down? oh phew lmao that was close

well. yeah

doctor: congratulations, it’s a beautiful baby boy. what will you name him bobby moynihan’s mother: BOBBBYYYY MOYNIHAAAN

holy shit bro. they’re interviewing subway jared on the fart brothers podcast. he agreed the kid stuff was “a bummer” and now they’re all taking turns trying on the Big Pants. so proud of these boys

kirkland signature would be a beautiful name for a baby boy

me [forgetting the alamo]:

hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages video game executive: cool. sounds very normal kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not

me [the lawyer who has to get elon musk to sign 27 child support checks every month]: hello sir. no not the usual thing this time it’s something epic

buying and wearing this shirt to the dentist

buddy and his wife gave their baby a stupid name so i’ve been workshopping cool star wars names for him instead. he started crying from the other room and i said “Graff Chorlo on comms.” i have been told this is “not helpful”

lmao wait. how has nobody told me that the music played in walmart is “walmart radio.” like they have a DJ that’s pops sometimes and he’s like hello brenda from store 3914, you’re live on the air. and then she’ll say hi!! i’d like to shout out my shift manager jason

insane innovation happening at 7-11’s flavor labs

every time i meet someone older than me who’s more successful i’m like “okay, well they’re older than me.” every time i meet someone younger and more successful i’m like “their dad must be the mayor”

go on you old pussy, drone strike his house. do it sir. are you gonna take that? you are the president

feel bad for her, hate when my mutuals are fighting

wait i am confused which one of them went woke

Trump tonight

lol they are about to airdrop the white south africans over capetown

what a terrible day to not check my phone and enjoy time with family. i hate their asses

the girls have never been more fighting

guy who has only been to chicago, visiting his second city: i can’t wait to see your Bean

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

it cracks me up that he can’t figure out how to unwoke this thing

i’m constantly saying this