last minute halloween costume idea that will probably get you waterboarded: the witch that killed charlie kirk

cold email: hey 😎 are you looking to level up your bookkeeping with AI? it’d be super cool to vibe on a quick call: virtual ☕️ on me! follow-up email: guess my email was in your spam 🤔 but it’s not too late haha follow-up to the follow-up: KILL MYSELF??? you wouldn’t care if i was dead. admit it.

one thing that i guess is kind of implied about home ownership but should really be spelled out directly in specific detail is that sometimes you may find a ceiling light full of liquid and it becomes your job to solve That Mystery

why won’t luffy denounce hamas?

not now babe i’m working on my research

they should just let george santos do whatever gremlin crime shit he wants. we need this

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease

love your work mrs theranos but how do you walk into this

government shut down? oh phew lmao that was close

well. yeah

doctor: congratulations, it’s a beautiful baby boy. what will you name him bobby moynihan’s mother: BOBBBYYYY MOYNIHAAAN

holy shit bro. they’re interviewing subway jared on the fart brothers podcast. he agreed the kid stuff was “a bummer” and now they’re all taking turns trying on the Big Pants. so proud of these boys

kirkland signature would be a beautiful name for a baby boy

me [forgetting the alamo]:

hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages video game executive: cool. sounds very normal kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not

me [the lawyer who has to get elon musk to sign 27 child support checks every month]: hello sir. no not the usual thing this time it’s something epic

buying and wearing this shirt to the dentist

buddy and his wife gave their baby a stupid name so i’ve been workshopping cool star wars names for him instead. he started crying from the other room and i said “Graff Chorlo on comms.” i have been told this is “not helpful”

lmao wait. how has nobody told me that the music played in walmart is “walmart radio.” like they have a DJ that’s pops sometimes and he’s like hello brenda from store 3914, you’re live on the air. and then she’ll say hi!! i’d like to shout out my shift manager jason

insane innovation happening at 7-11’s flavor labs

every time i meet someone older than me who’s more successful i’m like “okay, well they’re older than me.” every time i meet someone younger and more successful i’m like “their dad must be the mayor”

go on you old pussy, drone strike his house. do it sir. are you gonna take that? you are the president

feel bad for her, hate when my mutuals are fighting

wait i am confused which one of them went woke

Trump tonight

lol they are about to airdrop the white south africans over capetown

what a terrible day to not check my phone and enjoy time with family. i hate their asses

the girls have never been more fighting

guy who has only been to chicago, visiting his second city: i can’t wait to see your Bean

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

it cracks me up that he can’t figure out how to unwoke this thing

i’m constantly saying this

[Karoline Leavitt saying the Librarian of Congress was fired for having books in the library] Wow that's the worst thing I've ever seen *refreshes feed* [The mayor of Newark is being held at an unspecified facility] Wow that's the worst thing I've ever seen

they interviewed a lady at the met gala and they were like “the theme this year was your phd thesis.” ??? nobody told me that was an option. hmu i’ve got some math for you

the worst thing about catching an actual twitter shadowban for being too woke or poly or whatever is that you can’t even complain about it or you sound like this guy who ran over his dog

underrated funny aspect of kanye’s new song with the actual lyrics “they don’t understand my twitter and won’t let me see kids. so i became a nazi. heil hitler” is that not even he calls it X

pretty funny how jack from twitter was like “bluesky is the future of the open internet. i’m all in.” and then we very lightly bullied him for like 5 seconds and he immediately was like nvm

“hey baby,” i say, approaching you at the bar. “watch this” i put a cherry stem in my mouth seductively. you look away, but eventually you can’t help but notice that i’ve managed to get it wrapped tightly around my neck. in seconds, i am dead.

all of this hype over a new pope and then they announce him and he’s got some dumb name like “GREGORY XVII.” they should shake things up and give this one a star wars name. his holiness rylar jorbo

i tell you what, if i was this guy or one of his buddies, the one thing i’d make reaaal sure nobody did was take away all the psych meds lol

what the hell do you mean seth rogen finishing move in call of duty

my favorite thing about facebook marketplace is how nobody knows what mid century modern is

what’s- what’s the good way

the poor foster dog is terrified of the coffee grinder. i feel the need to explain. “these are the beans you have to drink when you are a person,” i say. “sometimes things are very very bad. but then the beans happen and it is good.” i can tell she understands

i am begging brad to live like this is his only chance to do so