protein bars are goated when both not enjoying your food and not knowing what’s in it is the vibe

[bernie sanders voice] thank you, soccah mohmmy

a government by the scumbags, of the scumbags, for the scumbags

The best part of getting new tech is the 30+ minutes of updates you need to download and install before you can use it. It's edging my nerdy nougat center

I’m going around Copenhagen using just a map, the prints of Denmark if you like.

My 13 YO daughter is listening to Coldplay. I'd heard of teenage rebellion, but I didn't expect it to be so mean

There should be an app that matches people who are down with people who want to kick them while they are

I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.

don't worry about whether i hurt that ancient greek guy's feelings. turns out he's dead

Guys I think I should buy a tambourine.

Dairy Cow: What the hell is that noise? It never stops! Who is ringing that f*cking bell?!

The computer and the phone have ruined our brains. People in the 80s were stupid and angry in a much more natural way

Got cracked and stretched and am now taffy with likely Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is the second-best kind of taffy after saltwater from seacoast New England

[kicking in door of a sports bar, looking gay as hell] you boys ever heard of hockey???

Is it possible I’m agoraphobic, or is that just a natural response to people being shitty?

The phone is for making posts like "the ass is the father of the legs" whereas the computer is for posts that include words like "inexorably"

Halo lake has no bottom; unless it does. If you dive deep enough, through the liquid sunlight, they say you can still touch the angel's skull

It is known that covering your skin with holy texts will conceal you from ghosts; this is because the dead's own realm is built of sacred words, and your body can be camouflaged against that gauzy, golden backdrop

You smell like an old wet umbrella and your head is shaped like one too.

🕯 🕯️ 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 pepperoni is 🕯 named a 🕯️ superfood 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯 🕯️ 🕯

Getting to all my appointments early so I can shitpost for at least 15 minutes beforehand

Putting on my pajamas and going to Walmart.

got called "based" by my Gen Z coworker earlier, so I'll be riding that high for a while

After looking in the mirror, I reluctantly admit that ingénue is no longer a career option.

Nothing like a mid morning ER visit to spice up a relationship.

I will never understand the type of coworker who never ever does their actual job but cannot stop inserting themselves into things they have literally no experience in.

Social media has taught me, that if you have nothing important to say, you should say it on social media.

Thinking about the UCB sketch where they are all John Denver fans singing "nutsack" to the tune of his songs and longing for a simpler time

What if we had a knife fight in the ambient glow of roku city

Frankenstein: Sometimes I struggle to make friends Jim Henson: Sew felt

Focaccia is my favorite bread that sounds like a slutty flower

When someone's nice to me for no apparent reason

So it turns out that I’m ‘even just laying in bed for too long in the morning gives me a bad back’ years old.

i don't write dick jokes because dick sonnets are longer

I started to feel sad about the state of things but then I listened to a song about a llama in my living room and I have ascended to a higher plane with lightning fast wifi

I haven’t read the news today but I did note that Luke’s Liquors was poppin at 11:15 on a Tuesday morning

The official Bulgaria account on Instagram is doing some pretty cool stuff

All my problems will be solved if I eat healthy for the 24 hours preceding my bloodwork

We had no choice but to hear you. You stated your case time and again.

up next, an AI tool that can fuck your wife

Black Mirror and The Onion out here FIGHTING for their lives to maintain their shock value while competing with the literal news

The Internet has ruined cute little idioms like 'hand over fist' for me.

Gobbling blind mushrooms and salamanders from the corners of my dank mountain cavern.

I don't need to get roasted online, I live with a kid who asks me if it's ugly sweater day as I am driving him to school

Happy Jimmy Pesto Day for all who celebrate

“We smelled meatballs. Gotta pay the tax.”

dry gas? what’s next, liquid nitrogen ? ahahahahaha gtfo

This, but on a T-Shirt.

At school pickup my son pointed at the sky and was like, 'hey nukes! lol' The huge post storm clouds looked like the nuclear mushrooms I grew up seeing on projectors right before everyone's faces melted off. Then we just hopped on our bikes and rode home.

"Let's all stomp around in heavy boots and drop stuff on the floor 100 times a day" - the rude family whose basement I'm secretly living in