i shook shook shook my sillies out and now they're all on the ground and unionizing

tulsa cops out tearing down homeless encampments on the hottest fucking day of the year, I don’t believe in hell but that’s where you all belong

If you are stuck in an Australian phone queue, whisper "help" sadly when the voice prompt comes on. A pub with all your deceased loved ones will materialise with your favourite booze.

My life goal is to destroy the Liberty Bibberty puppet Vendetta

fellow millennials, let's take a second to appreciate how great it feels to be in the prime marketing demographic catered to by all of the culture. I get now why boomers wanted it to last forever

Timeline cleanse here is pixie in a box

Hubs used to say, "be nice to your ma because someday your kids may treat you the same" (Insert soapbox) Bitch lemme tell you something about breaking generational trauma and loving your kids instead of enduring them and making them feel shame for existing. Who needs therapy when I have you people

An epic poem about a guy who said he’d be right back with cat food but three hours later his cat is like where is my dinner he better not be picking a mustard and the guy is named Adhdyseus and the story is called The Adhdyssey

Libs on this website really will just go "yeah I'm keeping a bunch of homophobic, transphobic and racist insults chambered at all times BUT!! I'm only deploying them against straight white cis guys who do bad things, so don't worry, I'm a good person."

Upsetting flatware continued

Godpsilocybin is attacking! He is radiating love and oneness!

Horny for accountability

I don't want to fall in love with Superman or go flying with him or anything like that. I want him to turn back time like he did before so I can eat really good meals over and over

Geese are mostly harmless. [goose changes my Netflix password] I stand corrected.

lil guy is all tuckered out from therapy. today's topic was strategies to get your needs met, and tofu spent the whole fucking session demanding i pet and brush him. therapist said he sets a good example for our group.

Why didn't the eagles just fly Odysseus straight to Ithaca

Race Tracks, Death Valley.

Today's Low Quality Ad is for this "Say Perhaps To Drugs" Pin. No, I am not encouraging you to do drugs. That would be highly irresponsible of me. I am simply encouraging you to *consider* doing drugs. collabs.shop/6fftbo

I bring you the plushy toy of good fortune.

The Urban Indian Health Institute, an Indigenous health research group, surveyed 201 tribes, tribal organizations and urban Indian organizations and nonprofits about how funding cuts are affecting the survivor support and safety services they offer. From @stateline.org:

Remake RoboCop but give him a really loud CPU fan.

Favorite part of The Odyssey was when Ben Affleck showed up just to call Odysseus a fuckass

Point Break is coming back to theaters this summer. I don't know if I can handle the raw sexual energy, but I'll try

goals

I love being called "honey" or "sweetie" which is why I only hang out in gay bars and southern diners

There's always that one toxic, stomps your heart, destroyer of esteem you can't cut out of your life completely. Doors close, but theirs is open a crack in case they miss you or are different this time, or maybe they'll stay. Or it's Christmas. Too many doors to close and never enough locks...

Another nice compliment is to tell someone they look like they don't have back hair

ME: You know what they say Sharon, God loves a crier HER: It's trier ME: *tearing up* omg I'm going to hell

At what point did Captain Caveman achieve the rank of Captain? Before he was frozen or after he was thawed? Either way leads to more questions.

The light kicked me in the jimmies this morning…

Maybe the real Ship of Theseus was the Ship of Theseus we made along the way.

The Onion looks back on 250 years of American exceptionalism. Watch now: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cTi...

Taking Spanish in 10th grade is finally paying off!!

What's the name for that weird smell/sensation in your nose when you jump into deep water? I call it glugnose. Hard to describe. A little pinchy and a metallic zing? There must be a term for it, it can't be just me can it

Good morning!

Faster than a roofer trying to beat the rain

The old hair clippers are dead! Long live the new hair clippers!

Accidentally broke the salt circle and now there are 3 cats on my bed with me

It's not in the top 20 reasons to leave, but I'd be happy to never hear anyone say IN-surance again

Waiting for a text message from a washing machine, if you are wondering what my life is like.

Earth is probably my favorite planet in the world

The pharmacy started playing walk-up music when your prescription is ready. Mine was “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.”

I would've though panic attacks burned more calories, or probably this scale is just off by 10 lbs.

Dante's seven factors of authentication

I just don't think you understand Grace Jones

I’m taking everything to my grave. All of it. You, too. Get in, we’re dying.

Sleepy babies

I eat clean and boil water for my Brita filter. Just kidding I eat pills I found on the floor

SOCRATES: we need a name for the study of existence and knowledge SOCRATES' ASSISTANT PHIL: ok i'll come up with something