thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

You Robot

This door is labeled in case you find yourself running from a bad guy in an action movie.

The mall on the 24th is just dads gently squeezing every stuffed animal, looking for the one that feels most "thoughtful."

[taking communion] "leave the bottle"

a scepter made of bologna

Replies are for wimps.

I have reached that wonderful time of year when I am about to tell everyone exactly what I think of them.

Having a game of pool and I’m out of my depth.

saw your boyfriend's wrapping paper that doesn't have a grid on the back

Freudian slip or slip of the jung, you decide.

2026 is already making me tired

Convinced that there is a small group on here that is in fact one person talking to himself.

“WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN SCISSORS!!!” -Christmas caroling at my house

There are two seasons of Wolf Hall inside me.

To those reading Lord of the Rings for the first time - You can skip past all the awful, incomprehensible elf songs and poems. There isn't a test at the end.

Ready to represent my country in the time-honoured sport of refrigerator tetris

If somebody asks you what's updog, the correct answer is dug (the dog from up)

Unspoken understandings are my favorite.

I have no idea who Bari Weiss is unless it’s the one with the Love Unlimited orchestra.

By law, Whole Boyfriend must be at least 8% fat.

Is there a retirement age on here, I might be there.

I think I just accidentally sneezed out one of my demons. May the flu be with him.

I stabbed the flu in the heart and put my daylight ring back on.

the lion, the witch, and the middle management who just discovered authority

let’s talk about fractions (1/7)

This is not The Best Skeet in the World - this is just a tribute.

Was feeling spontaneous, so I made a list of things to do next Tuesday.

I was born to wake up because my horse is nudging me next to a cold campfire not a Samsung alarm tone

one of those hugs might fix me

never underestimate the impact of a heartfelt compliment

Eggnog was considered a sports drink until the late 80s.

getting on the naughty list on purpose to get coal to heat my house

It’s only Christmas once you’ve bought, lost and replaced 17 sellotapes.

Spatula is a beautiful name for a baby girl

If you say ‘world’s smallest turkey’ instead of Merry Christmas you’ll find your people

A friend asked people to rate the gingerbread bites and peppermint bark he made. The consensus is his bark is worse than his bites.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

I like to stuff my kids’ christmas stockings with miniature versions of the items they actually wanted

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

My new tumble dryer has left the clothes ‘iron dry’ and I don’t know how to help them.

imagining your light hearted non political skeets written in impact font on a very old man’s shirt

Hostage Negotiator: What do we have, cap? Police Captain: It's another figgy pudding situation. Hostage Negotiator: Again!?

I don’t have Amazon Prime or any streaming services. Do I even still exist.

im an incomplete stranger

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

Figures the world would start to change just when I'm too old to pivot.