Random clicks and creaks in the middle of the night. House? Who’s talking about the house.

I love listening to whale songs. My favourite genre is the Blues.

But does the Hulk *feel* Incredible?

Did you see my cameo in Marty Supreme? I was one of the ping-pong balls.

A theme park dedicated to the work of actors William and John called World of Hurt.

gonna start a porch furniture making company called Lawn Chairney Jr. has this been done before

full frontal noodles

Mainly here for the recipes now .

I can never walk past a sugar maple without saying I’d tap that

That was a lot more of Chappell Roan than I expected to see so early in the morning.

This might be my Welsh ancestry talking, but llylyllwwwllyygwidhwcwtchllylylyly

Me pot o’ gold is a pile o’ shite -self deprechaun

We go to a different daylight.

The oven turned our pizza jet black, the water main broke, and my car got repossessed. All while we were watching Happy TV.

The “Scary Movie 6” trailer certainly was scary.

A welcome mat that says “Welcome Matt” so only Matthews will feel good about visiting.

I tried on my swim shorts from last year and I’m not going to swim anymore I guess

I see you don’t care for my posts. *posts*

You know those shoes? I bought them. I went back.

Are we in Lent yet? I want to carry on exactly as before but I need to know when to start.

Not everything I post is happening in my life. Not everything I post is about you. Some of it’s just about the sweet, sweet despair of existence.

Dear Disney, did you know that you can simply just stop making Star Wars movies?

Thought I was posting to my drafts this whole time. Oopsies.

My internal dialogue is an unreliable narrator.

I was my tv’s favorite kid growing up.

This is a slight unmeritable man, Meet to be sent on errands

Would you do me the honor of being allowed to save your posts

autocorrect so useless with numbers ofc I don't mean "1026"

im my own reply guy

me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest

The gap in my resumé? My best years going slowly down the drain.

Might call my slight inconvenience ‘Orwellian’

No I don’t know what it means either, just run with it.

You are a treasure. Let's bury you.

And then - just like that - the cat decided he would never again eat in the area he's been fed in for five years.

If you played Fleetwood Mac for Shakespeare he would die

changed Siri to a male voice so I didn’t feel bad telling it to shut up all the time

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

Realising a family gathering is like the Star Wars canteen.

Good morning to poets in distress

Sorry I was gone so long, but I stepped on a raw lasagna noodle fragment that fell out of my nighty and I died.

Paris Fashion Week 2026

Making friends at the bar by drinking cider and calling myself a pommelier

The passage of space is when you knock over a drink, fall out of a chair, catch your pants as your suspenders snap off. Kinda sounds like time broke up with you

it’s finally friday let’s get freaky

My superpower is noticing a typo ten minutes too late.

I left a save under your pillow

só por curiosidade artística, se eu postar em português será que mais pessoas veem isto?

Started saying "grok is this true" whenever anyone tells me anything I don't want to hear.

Made it to Friday but at what cost