Prevent food waste by wearing your hoodie backwards to catch crumbs

Sorry boss, can’t make it to work today, I sprained my will to live over the weekend.

I love your political account but have you thought about a completely lame pun that will garner an avalanche of indifference?

It was a sad little thing, like whole wheat spaghetti

Legally you have to tell me if you are a data centre.

A ferry ride through the underworld sounds pretty relaxing, tbh.

The Four Seasons is three seasons too long.

hey kids, what if we — now hear me out — do some good posts

the secret to good posting is none of my business

We’re celebrating 25 years of marriage! And 17 or 18 years of being in love!

Setting my alarm for Vatican City vs Andorra next week.

“imma post drafts,” she threatened

Might get a treadmill so I can run it slow with a cardboard box on it and let the cat think he's driving

"A table for two, please." "Do you have reservations?" "No, all the reviews said your food is amazing."

Should I be concerned about the vultures following me on my walk?

I’d post a selfie but I’m pretty sure people are trying to eat.

Brings glitter to a knife fight cuz whimsy always wins.

My power just went out. Just come over if you miss me.

Hey you two, break it up we’re all trying to be miserable here.

brings orange slices to your knife fighting match

can’t today i’m onboarding a new anxiety

I have never been in anyone’s skircle. I don’t exist. How are you even reading this

I know when I'm being a third wheel, you two. You don't have to keep telling me.

Just performing a little standing canter between posts.

You have lives on the weekend? Tragic

I get it cumulus clouds... I too am detached and generally dense

Anything that’s vanilla flavored not from extract should be called milli vanilla

What would it be like to live on the edge of discovering that there is no edge well friends it might be an anticlimactic relief of lemming reality proportions that goes a little survival like this, hit it maestro

two stages of reading: 1. ​i’ve read 5 books in 3 days. 1. ​i have not read a single sentence in months.

Don't threaten me with a time, good or otherwise.

Welcome to my weekend post, or as I like to call it, Monday’s repost

Nothing falls for cardboard cutouts quite like other cardboard. Just imagine a love of your life existing only to make it seem like some box is actually in a picture or a window. It's a shitty tasting feeling

Rarely use a bellows anymore. Maybe eight times a week.

[science fiction writers] and there's a character named Max

almost invincible maybe another electro magnetic event or two… won’t be long

stolen valium

whoever invented scented garbage bags should keep inventing things

Anxious but annoying

Lost power today, nothing to do with electricity I’m just weak.

Why is it called an antidiarrheal when it could be called keeping your shit together?

Our catfish had kittens. It sure made a mess of the koi pond.

Explaining microfiche to my coworker because I’m 95 years old

This day in history. 1945. The German Instrument of Surrender ended World War II but I'm sure you're not any more interested in the accordion than I am.

This cursed band follows me around, waiting for me to trip. I rarely do, but the second it happens they burst into a short Looney Toons womp womp sound effect

I lost a few brain cells after reading that last skeet.

that’s not funny, my grandpa died baking a cake as fast he could

Trigonometry sounds like eating triangles