I wish someone would throw a sandwich at me.

Has anyone checked on the moon. I need to know what’s happening.

My jowls are especially radiant this morning.

Imagine the heights they could have reached if they hadn't stopped at two Durans

Squishy is the worst texture of thing to step on

Want some of this?! Offering my emotional baggage.

i was a regifted child

I googled "can you die from a..." and it turns out 'broken heart' is second only to 'hangover'.

She was a 10 but claimed something hurt her "fillings"

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

As we move away from Halloween and towards winter, I can already tell this is going to be the best Seasonal Depression ever !!!

I learned something new today. I try not to do it every day. Too predictable.

celebrating the end of another workweek by shifting into my weekend form of a potato as is tradition

I wish I was a side piece. (fried chicken)

*brings updated terms and conditions to a knife fight*

Not being able to think of a skeet isn't writers block. It's a sign from above

Durn if the leaves ain’t falling faster than I can rake them into my neighbor’s garage

Whatever, that beaver moon looked nothing like a beaver

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk ten miles through it to get to school.

Someone on the old site once posted ‘have you ever owned a vinyl record?’ and instead of replying I withdrew to my horseless carriage and drove to the dry goods store to purchase a box of powdered milk

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.

The challenges of reaching across the aisle

this is a moon account well that and a soup account

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

The First Mathematical Church welcomes everyone, because it is the lowest common denomination.

I don’t mind skorts but I prefer blousers.

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

I brought sexy back and I want a full refund.

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

them: iykyk me: what?

Too sad to look at porn, that's sleazonal depression.

Do songs ‘take it to the bridge’ anymore.

Every single post I have ever saved has been by accident or act of God.

It’s coming close to that magical time of year when I can correct everyone’s A Christmas Carol mistakes.

I am like the moon, in that I also look underwhelming in photos.

The only mayor whose name I recall is Obed Mlaba, who saved our city from being renamed "The Bull's Bollocks".

i too once forgot how to like and reskeet like many of you

My five year plan? Probably just to say, “I’m really not feeling it today,” 1,825 times.

If you dislike your own post, you die irl.

If I were a pedant, it would be aton, not anton

Baldurs gate? What wig related debacle was this?

I'm just reading the news and hang on, there's a NEW York?

Yes anyone can reply, not you though.

[showing my barber a photograph of their family] if you ever want to see them again you'll make my hair look nice.

There’s a whole zoo available on the moon.

People with an iron deficiency are out of their element.

They don't want you to know this, but some typos are only visible to you after you've hit send