This is my birthday

my 5 year plan is to eventually put my phone down

Being murdered by a murder of crows would probably fix me.

Being middle-aged means having a favorite chip clip.

now that earth day is over today we celebrate wind and tomorrow fire

Luminol but for me to find out who ate the last kitkat.

The Picture of Doreen Gray

Would it help if I played my flute?

I thought it was love I was feeling but it turned out just to be kidney stones

Mulder and Scully sound like medical conditions.

is it love? i bet it’s love

“Wake up and smell the toothpaste” doesn’t have the same impact, does it?

I feel like most of you only care about my good skeets.

Top of the muffin to you

floating away to do my rituals

I just heard “human cloning” as Hume Cronyn.

I take back almost every thing I ever said about you.

Pick your 5th Ninja Turtle: Limoncello

A nose by any other name would smell as sweet.

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

Whatever untethered kitten of an object we turned into a kite at secret meetings was referred to as "the kitened" and if it got stuck in a tree and a fire department came, we were the order of photo ops

I still don’t understand what part of the monkey the wrench is for.

The sun is shining without heat. Everything is a lie

Meet new people!? I'm trying to tolerate the ones I know.

I just heard a French person say, “Strait of Hormuz,” & I’ve never felt more alive.

Looking forward to the recent take on the emperor’s new clothes - The Devil Wears Nada

It’s Earth Day… Hug a tree! - Text the tree the next day. - Start hugging the tree regularly. - Meet the tree’s parents. - Move in with the tree. - Marry the tree. - Stop hugging the tree. - Grow apart from the tree. - Start hugging other trees. - Divorce the tree. - Die alone.

New career plan is to develop an app of some kind, perhaps a social media platform, whose users then drive me to catatonic madness

Sending my dog to veterinary school to teach her how to heal.

Sunday scaries have nothing on Wednesday weigh-in.

My work day: I re-sent several emails and I resent several more

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

I put the "suck," in success.

ever since i was a little boy, i’ve always dreamed of being placed on administrative leave.

me: i’d like to donate my body. science: yeah, no. we’re good.

they’ll unload the dishwasher but they’ll do it in a way that makes you irrationally angry and kids that’s marriage

me: why isn’t ‘architect’ pronounced like archduke or archbishop or archenemy my gynecologist: what

original bayeux tapestry seatcovers

happy bEARTHday!!! has this been done

Dear diary - I’m still replying to bots when will it end.

Sumatran single origin with notes of orange and warming spices to go please.

I honestly and truly believed that growing old would take a lot longer.

My town isn't just walkable, it's drunken stumbleable

I hope nobody knows I’m writing all of these with a straight face.

You remind me of someone I used to be.

ever since i was little i knew i wanted to monitor situations

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

I wondered lonely in a crowd...

I’m a hard working lazy person.

What was I like in the nineties? Unbearable, nothing’s changed.