I’ll be your emotional support fuckboy, sweetcheeks

Well I would go fuck myself, but the way today is going my vibrator would probably die half way through.

Picnic! at the Disco

🎶 Hike up your skirt a little more Just a little more Another inch or two A little more, please OK, fine, hike it up a lot more And show your world to me 🎶

Every damn week… Me: “Oh, I could put Monday night football on as background noise, that might be nice” *two seconds of Joe Buck’s voice* Me: “Fuck this shit”

I’ve got a body made for sin… Sloth, specifically.

Changes my ringtone to porn background music.

Of course I don’t post selfies. Like normal people my age I grew up hating the way I looked

Well, well, well, sounds like somebody is wearing their sassy bathrobe today

accidentally wore my i’m a pussy ass bitch t-shirt and now i’m in congress

Playing your buttcheeks like bongos for half an hour would fix me

May I glaze your donut, m’lady?

can’t stop won’t stop* *thinking everyone hates me and all my friends are mad at me

POLICE OFFICER [reading me my rights]: Anything you say can and will be held against you ME: …boobies

Bringing that “Joe Pesci in Casino” level of sexuality to the timeline

today is my bsky anniversary so I just want to say: I will never stop terrorizing you. you will not win.

Getting the bedsheets good and filthy this morning to make doing laundry this afternoon worth it

For those not up on aviation lingo, a "ground stop" is when you're grinding on that special person and there's a knock at the door.

I like my coffee like I like my men, bitter and with a slightly unpleasant mouth feel

I'M DISRESPECTFUL TO DIRT !! CAN YOU SEE THAT I AM SERIOUS? GET OUT OF MY WAY, ALL OF YOU. THIS IS NO PLACE FOR LOAFERS. JOIN ME OR DIE. CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?

Taking care of my neighborhood by donating orgasms to those in need

Distracting myself with filth, otherwise I’ll be too angry to function

The wailing shrieks from the distant shore are making a lot of sense this morning.

I've started going grocery shopping at 6 am when the store opens. There's no crowds. Just me and a bunch of old people... wait... omg IM AN OLD PEOPLE NOW

How embarrassing to go around asking for prizes, for namesakes—that’s Loser behavior. Heroes don’t beg for accolades.

I’m not sure who put a curse on me to haunt my dreams with a thick, curvaceous bombshell, but whatever I did to wrong you please let me know so I can keep doing it 🫠🥵

Dirty thoughts under clean sheets

*seductively cranking up the space heater so we can be comfortable lounging around in our undies*

Be a gentleman and help her clean up that creampie, you selfish fool.

i’m going to eat 45 flintstones chewables on my 45ᵗʰ birthday, just to see what happens

Hot sexts to help them get through the chilly night…

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.

So much for hoping the Patriots MAYBE win 6 or 7 games this season, holy moly… 😳

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

Climax all over each other and chill?

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

Sure, the sex was great and all, but I’m still not going to unblock you.

Belly full of various bourbon drinks and chicken pot pie. Damn near invincible right now.

Imagine if today is the day that It Happens…

Up again. Think I will just eat a chocolate cupcake in bed. Surely those ingredients will make me sleepy.

I should masturbate

my biological mother asked me if i ever talk about her in therapy…bro you are the verse, the chorus, the bridge, and the refrain

a book about a lady named Diane who sells almonds online & calls her website Dee’s Nuts somebody write that down

It’s just a casual dry hump between friends, no big deal

🎶 Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies, Rockabye sweet baby James 🎶

if i die on a hill i expect you to roll me down in a tire jackass style

When someone comes to you in utter despair with life altering debilitating news, it's important to reply with, "Same thing happened to me, only worse"

You don’t really know how comfortable you can be until the moment right before your partner asks you to get them a glass of water