Another day, another Funeral Insurance Plan email *stage dive*

I’ll tell you what your problem is. When’s the last time you stuck your whole head out the car window like a dog. Do you even know how to be a passenger

Stuff trinkets in your bra as you go about your day. At night, empty it out and reminisce about the good times you had.

saved a bat tn

Came home from walking the dogs and there was a cricket in my pants

Paris restricting alcohol consumption during heat wave? Quels amateurs!

Happy Friday send nudes 🤩

A 43-year-old can listen to a little Lemonheads, as a treat

I don’t watch love island but I do watch a series of tiktoks where a man eats at Chinese buffets until he gets food poisoning soooo

We make fun of cats for it, but we also like living in boxes

:)

Another fun thing to do would be to follow Miles Davis then mute him hahaha why am I so poor

I wonder if I've ever happened to someone

We should stop calling it Conservation & call it Restoration. “Conservation” flatters us. Much of it is restoration: repairing damage caused by human extraction. Conservation protects what remains; restoration admits why so much needs protecting.

everything’s a neuroplastic nail, when you’re swinging a neuroplastic hammer

What I think when I see someone blocking me

Due to this timeline I can no longer “Hold on for one more day”

Mr Leg Floof 💜 (Tutelina, of course)

real estate agent: so, what do you think? lady who's sure all that glitters is gold: frankly, i’m a little disappointed

Something missable about ancient basement show culture was how it never mattered how hard a band was tryna be. If someone covered Saves The Day, when they sang out “HEART IS ON THE FLOOR!” every single head sang back, “WHY DONT YOU STEP ON IT?”right back perfectly synchronized

you have one of those fight or flight faces

I hate it when you bang a hard right and all the crap on your dashboard comes flying down onto your lap and a minority of Christian fundys and racist chuds and rich fucks go rogue and strip away the ideals of a country you thought you knew

Threw some bread and cheese out to the raccoons so they can feel like they’re in France.

they have overdeveloped most of my old amok running places

666: the number of the beast 668: the neighbor of the beast

They say eating a spoonful of straight cinnamon can be dangerous, which is nice.

You look like someone who would take their sleeping pills with an energy drink

Draft Punk.

If this is the best we could build with all our consciousness and intelligence and opposable thumbs, then there is something fundamentally flawed with the human species.

I mean…being happy sounds kinda miserable; I try to tell myself over and over again.

Some lightning 2:15 am Glasgow.

THERE IS A SCARY BUG IN MY TOILET AND OH NO WHAT IF IT CAME OUT OF MY PANTS.

I'm not complaining, per se, I just thought there'd be more holograms by now.

Sprinkling a nice, light vinaigrette over the U.S. Constitution before I eat it

I feel very vulnerable when I use a semicolon

Walked in a bog

"That's the spirit!" I exclaim as I point at the ghost in the police lineup.

One of those wicked domino toppling setups but it's the box fans in my hallway.

just wisconsin things

me: all belts are off her: I think you mean all bets— me: *eyeing the all-you-can-eat buffet* I said what I said

took and nap and now that I've awakened I can see congruent multiverses shimmering around us

Check the settings on your personality to see if there are other options besides, "asshole..."

Quick heads up, Bastille day is in a couple of weeks.

bsky is for tooting your own porn

”Hi, long time no see, you look great, how are you?!” No.

This day in history. 2008. Total Guitar magazine named Celine Dion's version of You Shook Me All Night Long as the worst cover track ever but what price William Shatner's Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds?

The fight against fake.