God complex? Please, like that fucker knows anything

My friend. He lost his other nut.

Good news. Americans are still the fattest fucks on the planet.

hey, at least you're not a grasshopper with bird shit on ya!

Somebody up there likes me, probably my grandma

incite-fully or insightfully ?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, Charlie Brown.

Getting into telekinesis just to mess with my cat

I taped a copy of your profile pic to my vibrator. I laminated it first.

Bsky: for that interaction without the commitment

I would probably get in so much trouble if I were funny.

How many ghost peppers must I eat before I can walk through walls?

This new laundromat needs a tap card like Dave and Busters and why can’t I just put quarters in the thing all I want is the cat puke out of my curtains

Piper i.e. the smallish jungle cat I live with

Mf: may I ask- Me: I dunno, ‘may’ you? 🙄

oh, we don't go through phases, babe. we have eras now.

My macrame suit, worn sans underpants, is really turning heads at this Rotary Club meeting.

As soon as I finish a salad I need every trace of salad out of my mouth immediately.

I picked up my first bifocals yesterday, and I have been the 69th like on two skeets today, so I guess you could say I have reached my sexual prime

the Allman Brothers Band should have made a song about almonds

In a lovely resort silently starting to hate everyone around me for no reason at all.

While it's true there are two sides to every story, always pay attention to who the storyteller is.

Looking for a cute irrational man in his prime. Must always be right, a bit obtuse, and value pie. No math weirdos

just because you think it doesn’t mean you need to say it that’s what this place is for

Let’s make this difficult.

the police shot someone at a traffic stop last night but don’t worry the police will investigate it.

eating half a costco pumpkin pie for breakfast at noon because i'm a champion

A dating app that finds your potential soul mate with an interactive towel folding option.

I'm calling a doctor, I need a brain scan. I forgot how to pronounce Adirondack.

Blocked! by a pumpkin. But I fucken love pumpkins.

Clichés are rampant, like a virus epidemic. Guard skin with authenticity.

Excuse me while I slip into something a little more explosively decompressed.

Me: sort of saddened that society as a whole doesn’t say “get a leg up on” things anymore society: (cataclysmic ruin)

We are "in the process of the second American Revolution, which will remain bloodless if the left allows it to be.” - Heritage Foundation president, Kevin D. Roberts said that shit out loud, right to our faces, yo

normalize 5 PM bedtime

Sending lewds to Extreme’s “More Than Words.”

For mental health reasons, the HHS recommends that your media diet should be 10% news and 90% shitposts.

*after the apocalypse* Okay kitties, who wants neighbor guy

Nice thing about tiling a shower, if you have to poop, it's not far away.

The last time that something knew it was gonna be the last time was a last time all tense with anticipation. How's about this last time we tell it that it can finally get a kitten named If I Had Only Known

you like girls with covid? -me flirting

My new leggings right up until I try to pull them over my ass: Awww yeah, this is going to be a piece of ca...OHMYGODDDDDDDD.

"Did you hear?" The cashier murmured earnestly. "Cookie Monster has diabetes. I saw it online." I chuckled politely because I thought I was supposed to, and I swear to you, she looked hurt. Of course I did damage control, but damn. The world is stranger than even we thought it was.

Facebook should be renamed DunningKrugerEffectbook.

I'm THIS IS THE BIGGEST BOILED EGG EVER IS THIS STILL THE FIRST ONE HOW MANY EGGS HAVE I EATEN High

Spoiler: sucking on it IS actually the best way to eat a chili dog.

A burp is the void talking back

Nails are the tap shoes of the fingers