Dustin Showers at the beach: White Room.

Me: I have something for you *slides you the phone number for my therapist*

it’s fun to make people cry (smashes the like on your precious 69)

you're so clueless you put on a turn signal to enter a traffic circle

I'm not spiraling, I'm pirouetting

im sorry you had to see me kung fu fighting

The lake was quite pretty this morning. Get outside if you are able. It can do wonders.

you never spin me right round like a record baby anymore

ADHD life: I started making lunch two hours ago. Now it's dinner.

nancy drew & the mystery of why I keep refreshing my social media accounts instead of reading a book

Horizontal cowgirl so I can still use the heating pad

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ your home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is you doing?” or

My fragrance? Yes, it is captivating isn't it? It's Trader Joe's Bergamot & Vetiver Scented Multi-Purpose Cleaner. Thanks for asking.

First date idea: You bring me a wheel of cheese, we make raclette and we eat it after sex.

chester sat alone, staring out the window of the second rate coffee shop pondering his life choices and where it all went wrong. the nights spent out with the feral tabby? the days spent sleeping in strange boxes? the kit-cat club is even tiresome now. tired of kibbles. tired of everything.

Support your local flaws, imperfections, mistakes and food banks

This account is for sale DM me. $1

Hoping to become what I was always meant to be, a baked potato

I thought this sign definitely said something else from afar

maybe it’s maybelline maybe just born this way

This is going to hurt. I say as I continue doing it

Just a shoutout of thanks and recognition to my sexier followers. You are the REAL heroes.

Welcome to another episode of “Am I dying or is this just what being old feels like?”

The smoke show is the calm before the shitshow.

I'm not the man of your dreams

...is there a lord marmalade?

Sometimes I worry my cat is tweeting about how disappointing I am.

Department of War implies the existence of Department of huh, yeah what is it good for

Sorry I need a large scale internet outage to get off

i’m really bad at names and it’s embarrassing to say i can’t remember my bologna’s first name let alone its second one

Heatwave! Gary turned off the heaters, cracked the window, and finally ate that breakfast burrito he had hid in his sheets to keep warm.

if you repost me then you’re part of the problem

Me: Aurora Borealis?!? At this time of year?!? In this part of the country?!? No longer isolated to the upper territories?!?? Weather: Yes! Me: May I see it? Weather: No.

Brb…have to get the box for tonight’s dinner out of the recycle bin because I forgot some of the heating instructions.

whatever happens at the back of the fridge, especially on the middle shelf, is frankly none of my business

Random thought, but who was Joe, and was he really that sloppy?

my son accidentally touched the thermostat so now i no longer have a son

Early in any job interview, be sure to use the phrase "I always give 200%", so you can quickly gauge the panel's tolerance for working with idiots.

My type: someone supportive and warm who I can curl up and relax with. Wait, that's my bed.

Ah yes, the season’s first “did I sleep with the heat on too high or am I getting the flu” morning mystery

why should we have to play fair when life doesn't

I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

seductively sampling several salamis

bringing a tambourine to this harmonica fight

I didn’t have imaginary friends. I had very specific spirits.

i have no illusions that arent dis

just read llamas are humpless camels. im changing my name to llama.

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

you can run but you can’t hide

Often I refrain from saying...or typing...these very words, but just know I'm probably muttering them under my breath while rolling my eyes.