playing a word game and almost tried “skeet” send help

Me: Ok, look. I'm only going to say this once. We've all dealt with a lot of fuckery and are in no mood for it to continue. You have one job. Do not be an arsehole. It really isn't that difficult. 2026:

welcoming the new year like

giving you a proper happy new year greeting in Bluesky fashion by sliding in your DMs and telling you that smash is the bam of the boom boom and milk is a main dish.

when the best food in your house is peanut butter, kraft cheese food slices, and saltines you realize a trip to the grocery store is needed

I am not falling into that trap again [Falls into trap]

New Year, same me. Deal with it.

All set for the show

finding joy in discovering a pack of m&ms lost in the clutter of the dresser top is a hope for every day of the new year. *an allegory: my life is the messy dresser top

9: Where's mom? me: out the back 9: in Australia? me: no silly, she’s out THE back, not in the Outback! 9: what's she doing? me: playing with her didgeridoo, I think

wish you were here (yearningly) -me to my package that’s still out for delivery

A confetti cannon, but filled with cinnamon sugar

pulling on a pig’s tail just to squeal something

none of the times listed in online recipes include scrolling “as long as i’m on my phone” time to check on posts

have you ever stopped to wonder where i am? how am I doing? - Waldo, being chastised by his wife

Stressing over one mistake is ridiculous . . . you will probably make many more, wait and stress over all of them together.

my new year’s resolution is to find someone to have sex with me and then talk them into reorganizing my closet

they should make a closed captioning but for people

I need music to be constantly playing in my ears in order to drown out the sound of my head

My new years resolution is to be extra

I hope the new year sends me straight into oblivion.

him: you ok? me, eating a stick of butter like it’s corn on the cob: yep

One thing I can guarantee…i won’t make it to midnight

I accused the hospital of improperly amputating my ass cheeks, so they offered a rebuttal.

idky everyone makes a big deal out of holidays like new year’s it’s just a random calendar date also me: oh! i need these cute 2026 glasses i can wear for one night

Being completely unaware of everything around you is a significant commitment, but it’s my cross to bear

do not cc or bcc me in 2026 there is nothing you need to tell someone else that i want to know

Ugh why do I have to go to work? I just went yesterday.

I'm going to whisper sweet nothings in your ear but it's really just me whispering my order from Taco Bell so you can bring me some.

i almost never understand what any of you are saying

Try not to be weird challenge failed 365/365 times in 2025. It was a successful year

Happy New Year 🥂 carry forward the lessons, leave behind the weight

The eternity of goodbye.

Life hack: be born rich

I want a new year...one that does what it should.

This New Year I plan on getting more outta touch w reality on account of well pretty much everything

*hears a microwave go off on tv *goes and checks the microwave

My resolution is to remain a curmudgeon, I mutter, extracting myself from yet another candles-and-prayer-hands chatroom set up to see in the new year.

<dog with a stomach ache> I should eat a blanket !!!

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

They sell "fun-sized" candy bars. The only thing "fun-sized" about it is the brief moment of joy before you realize you need to open eight more.

bsky feature that immediately shows people this after they block me

i breathe therefore i’m air

The key to happiness is too much Italian food in your belly

Just a girl saying "anywhooo" after being very weird

What if farting was contagious like yawning?

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

Is there such thing as too much pepperoni on pizza? Sounds made up.

i showed you my Heinz big bean please respond

“i am what some would call a foodie” i say, while eating biscotti crumbs out of my bra