i just had a lick of phone screen for a snack

It’s banana smiles as we countdown to donkey George’s birthday on 17th February with Kate

My rap name is Oral B.

Everyone knows exactly what they fucking want until someone shows them a fucking world they never imagined existed

Me every night

me realizing i forgot something at home after reaching halfway to the destination

People: omg I can’t believe this is happening People with anxiety: I thought this might happen

PLEASE, get comfortable with going to events, movies, concerts, coffee shops, museums by yourself so you don't miss out on life waiting for people.

time to wake up is inversely proportional to the coziness of the bed

Bro trust me. Lay on top of me. For America.

It’s called honoring your commitments, look it up.

my friend told me about how his daughter broke up with her boyfriend when he said, “i know someday you’ll break my heart” and her response was “why wait? let’s make it today” i think about that a lot

i see the drafts folder was ignored again today

im kinda like the receipt for something you never bought

roses are red it's sunday and raining at least it's not monday but i'm still complaining

why yes i do have a big electronic go board

might fuck around and forget i was just fuckin around

Expectations are a scam fueled by big history

I'm happy to report that I didn't fall into the drum kit when backing up from the mic tonight. I recovered with a curtsy.

My skeets get as much traction as a greased up Slip'n Slide

bluesky: the overthinking app

whenever you are stressed out just let Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad be the voice in your head because being pragmatic and reasonable and you'll be okay

I watched a "curling" competition today. Hairstyles were eh.

kinda sucks that there's only one day a year it's acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Death without foreplay is quickie the bucket 🏆👑 Congratulations @weeder.bsky.social from @beaveinflow.bsky.social

*On the way to a date* Date: I'm at the restaurant. How far away are you? Bon Jovi, driving: I'm close. Date: So, like, half way there? Bon Jovi: *turns around and drives home*

Roses are red Toss my salad

jbn: just be normal

Let's burn it down and salt the earth.

Baby Boy checking on the progression of his white whisker in the camera lens and bemoaning the ravages of time. #Caturday

Joke’s on you guys, I was sad before I logged on

fruits are generally reasonable but there are a number of vegetables i do not trust

fixed my computer all by myself. women in stem.

I got the sheets off my bed...who needs sheets, right? No rule saying I have to put new ones on...right? Right?

Instructions unclear poured caramel sauce all over myself

I long for the days when saying, “Act your age, not your shoe size” could absolutely devastate a person.

I’m convinced Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday because of its mascot. If Santa only wore a diaper, Christmas would lose a lot of its magic.

happy capitalism feel bad about being single or get mad at your partner for not getting you flowers day!

I need more time to do all the nothing I want.

“well that was fun,” I say to him knowing I won’t talk to him again.

i look forward to the day i won’t miss you today is not that day

the thing that sucks about valentines day is all of it

there used to be wild chickens in this parking lot :( the city relocated them and i fucking MISS THEM

It never occurred to me that yesterday was Friday the thirteenth, I feel cheated out of a comfortable run-of-the-mill anxiety.

having conversations with my bag of valentines hearts like a magic 8 ball

if i was crushing on you, i would tell no one but there would be valentines

roses are red violets aren’t blue i don’t care for cupid cuz he’s stupid boo hoo

Sorry I missed your emails. I’m not some kind of obsessive who checks his emails every single year.

recently, my best, juiciest, and certainly my most faithful lover has been my morning naval orange