A couple of slices of cinnamon toast would fix me this morning.

every restaurant should have gravy on the menu. gravy you can order by itself

We taught our raccoons sign language and the first thing they said was "The trouble is, you think you have time.”

just passed a roadside stand in maryland that's selling fresh coconuts and i'm so confused

Hate keeps this going and they made us hate, just like they do. The only cure for this is love and that is up to each of you.

Anything can be a vehicle for blue cheese dressing. Any. Thing.

Dogs are so weird. If somebody took my toy away and threw it across the room, I’d be pissed. I certainly wouldn’t give it back to them.

Sometimes I just start a post, and hope it ends well.

omg babe its so hot when you treat me with respect

The movies try to make olden times seem romantic and cool. All I can think of is how much everyone must have stunk. Omg the bo must have been unreal

Love how I created my whole job from scratch and made it events when there's nothing that stresses me out more than events

*goes back in time to warn everyone that in 2025 we ask each other things like, “are you depressed because of the world or just regular depressed?”*

Anybody who buys a Rolex should be put on a watch list

JFC! I’m fucking done. See y’all tomorrow. ⚰️

Last name’s Tic. First name Fran.

Time for a little levity. The notice itself is - mwah, chef's kiss. 10/10, no notes. Et cetera, et cetera. There's a bit more to it, though. Just a titch. I'll tell you in the ALT Text. Follow me...

*does the "Everyone has me muuuted. No one can read my silly little thoughts" dance*

I killed a wasp. I knocked him into a bucket of water and he drowned. Im telling his family it was an 'accident at sea' and they'll never suspect a thing

Sometimes I feel like my phone is bullying me

unpopular opinion: fall sucks it’s the nursing home of seasons where the year goes to live out its last breath

Keep opening this app to say something, then I read for a minute and think, "Well, I believe they've said it all," then I close the app. You can do this too!

y’all mind if I have a good day?

What a fucked up time to be alive.

Hate speech is now just speech that Trump hates.

sittin on the dock of the bay

a kid at school told my son he was a baby and it made my son sad i never thought i’d have a preschooler as an enemy, and yet here we are

i took tylenol while i was autistic and now my son is pregnant

Out of curiosity, I searched online “what items are made in the United States sourced entirely from materials within the United States” It said “your mom”

I'm sorry to break this to you Zoomers but based on my interactions with you, you're just Long Millenials

The problem with politics is that the people who want to be politicians shouldn't be.

How bad does shit have to get before I stop posting jokes and just ghost? It's getting close.

Looking for a job that offers a zero hour workweek.

They put the anal in airport security

remember how when we wanted to buy something we had to get dressed and leave home to go get it and now we’re annoyed as hell if we have to get up to grab our credit card to find that stupid little three digit number

"Go home, you're AI" is the new "go home, you're drunk."

happy friyay! (please put me out of my misery)

not words actions are truth

I might not remember your name but I never forget a face, I’ll be like “oh hey nice to see you, person with a face”

If I really like you, my body is like a grudge* *(I’ll hold it against you)

I'm quiet but my thoughts are loud.

Guys I’m starting to freak out because I can’t think of good Halloween name and October starts next week this is starting to feel like school

I like to explain my jokes to people who don’t laugh at them because they are obviously lacking in comprehension or manners

had a wonderful equinox with my family it’s the time of year to feel and make things happen

jeeves and wooster were the beavis and butthead of their time

for your own sanity always take mixed signals as a no

Night sky over a northern Minnesota lake. #photography #landscape #landscapephotography #minnesota #night #nightsky #milkyway #lake

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

my kid just showed me this and im dying

It takes me 9 seconds to write a text and 17 minutes to find the right emoji to add to it

my kid asked to stay at the hotel with the "fancy bathroom crackers" but i cant remember which one she caught me eating in the bathroom at.