AAAAAHHHHHHH

bsky, will you still love me tomorrow?

i will never travel to outer space and i’m okay with that

*throws lettuce at the tv

Proof of life *haven’t posted in an hour*

the elves that live inside my refrigerator have stopped turning the light off when I close the door

Find yourself a girl that looks at you the way my wife looks at the two fat joints I rolled for her and left on the windowsill

Timeline cleanse 🤍🧡🖤🤍 Musical floof.

My cat just bit my elbow, then jumped with her full weight on my balls and is now stretching out on my belly while purring loudly and licking my hand Would you describe our relationship as toxic?

omg stands for on my groin

This is way better than doing stuff.

This skeet will never get to 69 likes. Not a challenge.

When it comes to skeets, it looks like my "quality over quantity" days are over.

Smoke from wildfires, far away, fills the sky

Them..That's inappropriate. Me..Thanks

Yeah, I know how to satisfy a man (brings home box of cinnamon toast crunch)

Insanely vibrant flower and herb basket for some respite from smoke and...you know...other stuff

My 86 year old client asked me to help adjust her ear “bugs.”

I totally understand people who haven’t left their house since 1982.

Not eating healthy is really paying off

sometimes I just have to cancel my afternoon plans, get high, and watch the Golden Girls with my pets

"People love you for more than just your looks," I mumble to the old man staring at me in the mirror.

so just to recap... don't eat the food, don't breathe the air, don't leave your home

WHO’S A GOOD GIRL

Strug having a weird, struggly day.

Peripheral vision is just good enough to see that stray hair in my left eye is visible, but disappears when I take off my glasses to pull at said hair.

when I’m rich, I won’t buy cheese cubes anymore only cheese pyramids for me thanks

*me*, watching my battery percentage slowly tick down... yeah, I'll get right on that

Last night, we ate Chinese take-out and shared the dish "Happy Family." The irony was lost on no one.

It must blow animal’s minds when they see a cowboy. Just one animal riding another.

It’s more wait than want.

*Sinking into silent memories*

I will not be getting another dog but I sure would babysit some of yours

I don’t think I want to be buried. Maybe I want to be mummified in Cajun seasoning and fed to the alligators.

Today I was loading tools into my truck at my workshop and a lady stopped her car, got out and said that she loved all the pride stuff in my yard. Then she hugged me. Made my day/week/year 🥲

I approve of this skeet.

*appears to be doing something*

publicly, i say jim it instead of damn it

i think my plan is working

only fans, but it’s just me fisting tubes of cheddar pringles

i got dismissed from jury bc shitposts

can’t rn, unfurling

*plays nice without others*

moothole is now a word w varying defs

my kink? pulling out my clock mid conversation