leaving a trail of stock options to lead senate dems onto the ice floe and then sending them out to sea

Don't talk to me like you haven't stuck a finger in your ass just to see what it felt like

Hamburger helps those that help themselves

The only thing I feel bad about is that I, personally, have not been able to scam the Dem leadership. Like sell them magic beans or a fake treasure map.

this jacket isn’t very straight at all

Cold as fuck AF

how many jokes do i need to post before the world is fixed

My shorts are too tight. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

My wife and I organised a threesome. It wasn't for us and now my neighbour is getting divorced. I warned you, Chuck

Uh yeah

Young people let phones ruin their brains, I say, as I load up Instagram and watch 5 awful sketches in a row where people pretend to work in a bad office and their sketch groups name is like Dunk and Beef

I want a weighted blanket so heavy it makes me look like wile e coyote after getting hit with a steam roller

Any time I don’t know the answer to a question, I say “the surgeon was the boy’s mother” just in case

I’m the type that will arrive early for my own funeral.

When a poster snaps at me for asking a question about their post...that was posted with "anybody can interact"...in a public forum...

Find the jerry can of emergency Costco marinara

practising my vulcan nerve pinch until morale improves

the CDC is recommending that you die. idk why, i didn't ask

Saw the rooster who wears pants again. I don't think a rooster needs pants but that's just my opinion.

What we really need is a government shut up.

a new genre of photo in the last year is federal agents working for ICE pointing guns directly at photographers

I do think sports betting should be legal, but you should have to place bets in person with someone you are afraid will physically harm you if you don't pay up.

an owl babysitter is a hootenanny has this been done before

a book about a lady named Diane who sells almonds online & calls her website Dee’s Nuts somebody write that down

It’s not true love until you know their ALT account

If you talk about astrology, and they don't stop you, it means they love you

My engagement farm has produced very few marriages

things that arent the future of civilization - chatbots - crypto - robot butlers - cars that sorta drive autonomously as long as youre paying attention for when they fail and almost kill a bunch of people things that actually are the future of civilization - free clean energy

Y'all ever tell your partner that you're a better person because of them and they taught you how to love? Me either.

Do men have feelings? Are they called hemotions?

Be kind to yourself you’re actually doing great for a carbon-based organism on a spinning rock

When someone says they got tailgated, I ask if they know how to drive the god damn speed limit

I’m training my border collie to get up on my shoulders around my neck like how shepherds do… she loves it

I’m happy to do my own thing here so stop criticizing how fucking funny it is.

girls don't want boys girls want mashed potatoes

Me: Why were my tests so expensive? Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art. Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor? Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Can’t see the forest for the trees, but I’ve always been pretty good at spotting corn fields, so I’ll call it a wash.

There will be a horror movie about magnets in the next couple of years count on it.

As a diet hack, I have a protein-packed greek yogurt whenever I feel like a snack. Now I need a hack for what do to with 30 empty yogurt containers every night.

I can’t wait until Wicked 3: Tokyo Drift gets released next year.

If I can hear you chew, I’m imagining stabbing you with your fork

Waldo has been cloned! I REPEAT! Waldo has been cloned. You’ll never find him now.

AI refusing to admit America is the dumbest country in the world is the best description of artificial I can imagine.

By not including "Dr." in front of the name of the person you're meeting with, your calendar can suggest a busy social life.

Listen, we didn't ask for a hot and sensitive Frankenstein monster but we certainly deserved one.

hello monday my old friend you didnt bring me sex again 🎵 you brought me stress, work and meetings and morons sending gifs on teams...

Dating is just slowly revealing how horrible of a human being you are to one another

BREAKING: Sex pest gone. White men cry ‘no chance to defend ourselves!’ -even though every chance was right there. The scrolling continues.

im a daytime midweek bowling alley ten.