When I was 7 I wished bad things upon this kid named Charlie who tripped me on the playground and now he is finally in jail so just be patient

I'm at the age where I finally understand why anyone would be happy to win a new appliance package on The Price is Right.

Nothing screams "adulthood" more than sending a text after a night out with friends that says, "Here's the link to that air fryer I was telling you about."

Dear Corporate, Either you want me to attend meetings, or get my actual work done. I can't do both.

One of the saddest things about being an adult is forgetting what you ordered online and excitedly opening up a package only to find it's a 2-pack of air filters.

We were the last generation who were afraid to go inside for a drink of water after playing, for fear that we wouldn't be allowed to go back outside.

Me: I just love this top! I would like to buy this exact same item again. The Fashion Industry: Lol, no.

Mandatory school physicals are fun. Said no kid ever. Free peek today 👇 open.substack.com/pub/kathrynk...

Me: "I'm gonna surround myself with positive energy." Also me: *binge watches 6 hours of murder documentaries*

Do you ever shake your head to get rid of intrusive thoughts, kinda like an etch a sketch?

My latest audio book from the library is read by a woman with an English accent. I've had this British voice in my head saying, "bit sad innit" for the past week.

Website: What's your address? Me: [types my address] Website: Here's the address we found. Do you want to use this correct one or your stupid one?

Me, giving a tour of my hometown: "That used to be a Radio Shack." "That used to be a Blockbuster." "That used to be a Sears."

Maps: turn right in 500ft Me: how far is that Maps: make a u-turn

*eats one bite of salad* [checks for abs]

[TV announcer]: Feeling tired? Bloated? Are you gaining weight for no legitimate reason? Me [with mouthful of chips]: YEAH

Interviewer: What did you bring to the table Me: In my last job, I brought a lot of enthu--- Interviewer: No, what did you just put on my desk Me: You mean my emotional support toad

Brain: Did we get anything done this weekend? Me: No Brain: Okay then, at least we relaxed Me: somehow, also no

My vacuum cleaner's hook that holds the cord in place broke off the other day. Last night, I dreamt about it. Being an adult is stupid.

And to my children, I leave my drawer full of user manuals for appliances we no longer own.

[reads recipe] okay, I need 3 eggs [walks over to fridge] 3eggs 3eggs 3eggs 3eggs 3eggs not 2 eggs but 3 eggs. three three three [opens fridge] wait. was it 2 eggs?

I've started saying nonsense phrases at work like, "Carl totally brensified that report," just to see my coworkers nod seriously like they understand.

About to eat my gluten free, fat free, dairy free, antibiotics free, raw, non GMO, organic, no carb dinner... if anyone wants to join me. 😏

I tried writing fiction once. It immediately turned into a crime scene involving bird poop and Fresca. Check out my new (free) post! open.substack.com/pub/kathrynk...

I want to be one of those people with cereal and pasta in clear containers but I just don't know if I have it in me.

Really, CBS? This is your idea of news? smh

One minute I was young and carefree, the next I'm chatting with friends about magnesium and protein

If by yoga you mean stretching from my bed i an awkward way to plug my phone into the charger, then yes, I do yoga every day.

Don't get upset if someone doesn't text you back. Most people only check their phones every 5 seconds, every day, all day long.

I did like 5 squats today, so if you catch me looking fit tomorrow, don't be alarmed.

All parents want is for the kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Just got back from the DMV after attempting to complete my task online. I can tell you for certain that I did not, at any time, look even remotely as elated as these folks.

Two things that will make your day better: ~ Do NOT watch the news ~ Keep off the bathroom scale

Me: [wondering why I'm always broke] Email from vendor: Your dog's wig has been delivered

Just tried to kill a spider with Axe Body Spray. Now its name is Doug and he won't shut up about crossfit

Went online to check the weather. 2 hours later, I'm watching a tutorial on how to weave a basket out of carrots.

OMG...the comments 😅

Middle age is just walking around all day, muttering things like: What was I going to say? Why did I come in here? Did I already take my pill? How did I get this bruise? Why am I so sore? Where did I leave my freakin' phone?

me: why do I feel terrible body: coffee is not a meal body: eat a vegetable body: sleep me: I guess we'll never know body: oh my god

How dare you drive the speed limit when I'm late to something due to my own poor time management skills.

All I want is a delicious, sweet, salty, decadent treat that I can eat by the handful that contains zero calories, fat, sodium and carbs.

The closest I've come to murder is holding my oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in and snacks come out

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing...

My notes app is like: Grocery list Random measurements with no context Coupon code without the website Parking garage & room# photos "Things to get done before the end of 2024" The title of REMINDER with nothing under it "Benefits of Ginger" with nothing under it Another grocery list

Mechanic: What seems to be the problem? Me: My car keeps doing this thing where I get in it and suddenly I'm at Taco Bell's drive through.

That stupid walk you do when someone's mopping a floor and you know you're gonna walk over it but you want them to see how sorry you are to be walking over it so you make yourself look like you're walking over hot lava

Feel free to take advice from me but you should know I almost choked drinking the Pringles crumbs out of the canister.

When making a cocktail, ya gotta watch out for the weeds. New post! open.substack.com/pub/kathrynk...

I'm so glad I was taught how to play the recorder at school. It has come in really handy in adult life. I've lost count of the number of times I've resolved a difficult situation with a quick blast of Hot Cross Buns.