How to care for cast iron: 1. Clean it. 2. Dry it. 3. Oil it. 4. John three online groups to ask if you cleaned it correctly. 5. Receive 847 conflicting answers. 6. Begin questioning your life choices. 7. Oil it again, just to be sure.

Hell hath no fury like me when I'm slightly inconvenienced and hungry. (Is it lunch time yet?)

[When I first started my job:] What else needs to be done? How can I help? [Now:] Fire me. I freaking dare you.

PSA: I *almost* got got. 😑 Received a DM offering a shiny new Bluesky verification badge. Very exciting. Very flattering. Very fake. It links to a phishing site designed to collect login credentials. Sharing screenshots so nobody gets snagged. Stay diligent! Report. Block. Mock relentlessly.

I wish my coworkers would stop telling me their newborn's weight and length... like, what am I supposed to do with this information?

My biggest challenge is the fact that I only like salads when they're made by other people and cost me $15.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of growing up to provide strategic thought leadership that drives meaningful outcomes across a dynamic, fast-paced environment.

Reminder of the day: Sometimes you've just gotta let karma fix it, because if you fix it, you're going to jail. (And I don't have bail money, FYI) Proceed...

😆

I'm thinking I'll have an omelette for lunch tonight. I'll season the eggs with some oil, sugar and maybe some chocolate, and then I'll throw in some flour, for texture. Eating healthy is a piece of cake.

The day when I yell, "WHERE IS MY PHONE?" and it yells back "DOWN HERE IN THE COUCH!" then it would really be a smartphone.

Last night, I practiced self care by eating cinnamon toast crunch in bed and letting the sugar crumbs in my sheets exfoliate my skin. It's called multi-tasking.

There are only four things certain in life: 1. Death 2. You'll always be low on gas when you're running late 3. Your smoke detector battery will only die at 2:13am 4. The typo will only reveal itself after you hit send.

A quick personal note: Please forgive my sporaticness, (Evidentially NOT a word, but it is if I say it is) in posting of late. My BP keeps spiking. I wonder why?? 🤔 Anyway, doctor's trying to bring it down. So, I may be spotty or intermittent for a bit while we figure it out. 💙 you guys~

So, at what age do I stop feeling delighted when I notice I've made a rhyme unintentionally while speaking?

I love how Twix bars come with 2 so that you can eat one now and save one for when you're done with the first one

What Happened Calorie-Wise In The Past Three Days Can Never Happen Again ~ a memoir, by me

I hate those people who say, "Here's my go-to lazy meal" and then they begin marinating a whole chicken.

Nothing motivates me quite like completing a task, adding it to my to-do list afterward, and immediately crossing it off for the bonus dopamine.

Me: Ugh. I need to stop at the pharmacy, make dinner and put up a load of laundry after work Brain: Okay, but consider this, maybe... don't [shrugs] Me: You propose a compelling argument

Fitness instructors who say "last one" are the reason I have trust issues.

Me: "This could have been an email." [Ten minutes later, email arrives]: "Dammit."

Anyone feel like going of the freakin' rails with me? I've had enough.

My problem is that I always think I can get ready in 15 minutes, when I've repeatedly proven that I can't.

Shout out to the frozen chicken that didn't defrost in time for dinner, allowing me to order takeout like I wanted to anyway. Not all heroes wear capes.

I wish I could go a whole day without getting irritated. Just for one whole day.

Adulthood has turned my tolerance from "sure, no problem" to "absolutely not, thank you for your time."

Sorry I’m late. I once again underestimated everyone’s commitment to driving at the exact same time every single day.

If you've got a moment and you want a really good belly laugh, 👇. As parents (looking at you @daerickgross.com) we can all relate!

There's someone out there right now thinking, "I'll just get gas in the morning", and that's the devil talking.

Some people might call it multitasking. I call it doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

It's Tuesday? That sounds fake but okay.

If you think girls are dramatic, you've never seen a guy die in a video game.

Them: What are you doing this weekend? Me: Gaining 4-7 pounds. You?

Gas pump: Do you want a receipt? Me: No, I'd rather forget this entire experience...

Shout out to everyone silently losing it — But still texting, "Ha ha, no worries!" like a m-f'king legend...

Sometimes success means getting the laundry out of the washer before it smells like mildew. And that's OK.

When I was little, I didn't care what I wore. I just went along with whatever my mom chose. When I look at my childhood photos, I realize that she didn't care either.

You ever just hand things over to your dog to sniff so they can feel included?

The amount of times in a day where I ask myself, "what was I about to do?" is insane.

Some people are out there solving real world problems, and I'm over here excited because I found my missing sock inside one of my pillowcases.

Thoughts and prayers to anyone trying on last summer's shorts~

It takes 45 muscles to frown, but only 10 muscles to smile. Frown all day. Lose weight. Get ripped. [You're welcome 😁]

Gas prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands.

[me, overfilling the washing machine]: "it looks like a lot but it'll all cook down"

Anyone know what colors work best for the nice shade of exhaustion under my eyes?

I cannot believe I'm from a generation who paid for ringtones. If this little rectangle made a single sound these days, I'd smash it up.

I remember the sound of dial-up internet and still have the audacity to get annoyed if a page takes more than 3 seconds to load.

When I was 7 I wished bad things upon this kid named Charlie who tripped me on the playground and now he is finally in jail so just be patient

I'm at the age where I finally understand why anyone would be happy to win a new appliance package on The Price is Right.