[stargazing] THEM: which constellation is your favorite ME: probably the piss bucket THEM: what ME: y’know, the big pisser THEM: DIPPER?? ME: it’s not for me but i don’t kink shame

that one time my knee popped out during

attn: topless mowing season has officially began in the midwest

not my monkeys not my rodeo

(At the Pharmacy) i would like 15 drugs please

Can someone tell me what i’m going to write next?

might fuck around & do some pot

Drinking instant coffee like a low down no good no coffee machine haver

*seductively licks dripped queso off my shirt

The night person in me won't understand the morning person in you.

Hold me closer, tiny goblin.

I said “I’m fine” in the tone of someone Googling symptoms with the brightness at 1%.

i’m sorry your husbands body looks like a refrigerator

Find you someone who looks at you like I look at my fully charged vibrator.

i’m sorry your husbands body looks like a refrigerator

I can't do much to help, but I will absolutely hate someone on your behalf.

hoagie

Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything

I've been recording bird sounds and playing them back to the birds that made them. They seem impressed. Am I a bird DJ?

apple tv what’s next, grapes vcr?

This asthma's got me breathing heavier than your mom at an all-you-can-eat buffet

always have fun at the party but don’t be the shirtless guy yelling woo hoo at the party

it’s not required that you wear panties to a job interview, they don’t even check

nothing like a nice cup of coffee on a rainy morning ❤️

me watching literally any sporting event: who the fuck is that guy

they let us make it to friday

grown ass man acting emotionally overwhelmed by cilantro while holding a neon blue energy drink

grown ass man acting emotionally overwhelmed by cilantro while holding a neon blue energy drink

you can’t butter me up there are not enough cows

Be kind to yourself but also be so for real

No surer sign a trend is dying than my having warmed to it

Thank you for your very serious reply to my idiotic shitpost.

Be nice to me you piece of shit

I can be seduced with nachos, it's not that difficult

it’s almost painful being this hot but someone has to do it

filling my weekly pill organizer with the fourth, the fifth The minor fall, the major lift

I want the feeling of being wrapped in a big cozy sweater but I also do not want anything touching my skin, pls fix

if i was an accessory to a crime, i’d be a bag. a handbag. a coach handbag . it would be covered with those crystals whose name i can’t spell or pronounce & would look hella cool swinging on my arm while im running from the po po . yeah

pretty sure my electrician has the hots for me i can feel the sparks between us nope the toaster’s on fire nvm

i’ve been Just Some Guy my entire life

bouncing on it in a way that vertically integrates with your target demographic

Why don't they make the whole salad out of croutons?

Mother? I barely know her.

I'm a catch because I can cook

biblically accurate stuffed crust pizza

All my bangers happen in the bedroom

drinking alfredo sauce with a straw because nothing is real

My signature sex move is paying with a cashier’s check.

Wears a Fitbit to my execution

Is there a box on Tinder to indicate you were on the Hantavirus cruise?