multiple consecutive blumpkins; don’t never say i ain’t got stamina

wonder what would happen if i held onto a thought long enough to think it

ordering the proletariat pizza* *little caesars

may you and yours have 2 much booty 4 da pantz 🫶🏼

oh you have a Nintendo switch? so does my 7 year old

My family crest includes the sangria pitchers that leak terribly every single year that we refuse to replace

now it’s time for my nondenominational holiday blumpkin

Merry Christmas you wonderful people 🫶🏻🎅

now it’s time for my nondenominational holiday blumpkin

“Eat this baguette, for it is my penis,” and other things Jesus said

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

My roomba is elderly and can no longer feed itself (can't get back to its charging base without my help). Basically I'm running a roomba assisted living facility

my tits are fat because theyre full of yearning

If you get bitten by a Santa you too will gain the powers of a magical sack filled with joy

HERE FOR GOUT, NOT CLOUT.

You better watch out, Santa has gout.

i know i’m too high when the windshield wipers are going fast af

i know i’m too high when the windshield wipers are going fast af

There was no nutritional information on the box, so I’m assuming the serving size of this lemon meringue pie was one pie.

The feminine urge to let my moustache grow out.

I made fun of D&D and got blocked by a bunch of angry dorks. It’s the Revenge of the Nerds.

When they describe baby Jesus as a “holy infant so tender and mild” he sounds like a basket of buffalo wings.

I rearrange my clouds at the mere prospect of your light touching my sky

Grandpa wants everyone to quiet down so he can watch videos on his phone with the sound on

I’m throwing so much ass rn (fardin n shiddin)

“Girl dinner,” I whisper to my panettone

Ho ho oh no

Me flirting: I’ll let you stuff my stocking

this dickdown could’ve been an email

no sins of the flesh for you

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

standing under some parsley and hoping a lasagna will kiss me

2026 is already making me tired

I never really worried about chasing waterfalls I had a PlayStation

i wanna say something but i don't want you to take it the wrong way but i also still want it to be funny so i'll just continue to silent

Might get up early tomorrow so I can spend more time with my seasonal affective disorder

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

If somebody asks you what's updog, the correct answer is dug (the dog from up)

Overheard a kid on the bus - his mate goes, "you wee cunt you fell asleep" and the kid's like "nah, i was just being nonchalant" Anyway i'm stealing this line for work

Being jolted into consciousness by a jaunty little tune every morning is my villain origin story.

Is the Christmas season the only time you can buy car safety kits?

Pronounces enough like dough

I hate myself, but also am constantly worried that everyone else hates me. it just makes sense

I'm out here you ficuus birch

herniated disc jockey is this something

i just saw the rockettes at radio city music hall ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

These gingerbread men don’t look happy enough. Give them the candy SSRIs.

meh, I’ve muted people for less

i would also care about sports gambling if i never made a woman cum

My grandmother, a socialite with Alzheimer's, said one of the greatest things I've ever heard. I asked what she was doing, and she responded, having no idea who I was, "Oh, I'm just sitting in a house, doing things that people do when they're sitting in houses"