What's it like getting to climb into bed next to someone who loves you? I bet it's like a really good sandwich.

“I bet you could pull a plow clean through an old alfalfa field,” he complimented.

male pattern idiocy

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but let’s go get matching tattoos

The thread count of this entanglement.

It being a few days past Christmas, go on and order those full price nightgowns you told your husband to buy you when they were 1/2 off months ago. So what if the tea kettle you hinted about falls into the cart too. So what?

I have worked it out so that if a genie ever gives me three wishes I can help humanity but also do something about these chin hairs

"and the third rule of Fight Club is that you have to have high-risk insurance.”

A lake is just a real big bucket full of fish.

Life Hack: never stop breathing

I think I can speak for my wife and say I really shouldn’t be speaking for my wife.

Guys. When I was first conceived, I was a girl for a little bit. And I think that made all the difference in the world.

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes you get a bull by its horns and then you know you only live once on the grass that’s greener on its side.

Ask me how you can enjoy my new invention allowing you to have real-time, two-way audio messaging.

If you would prefer to not eat a shipload full of fried snails then you are just eschewing chewing escargot cargo.

I eat a lot of eggs because I fucking hate chickens.

Once I stead this home, y’all bitches is cooked.

OMG! ITS @bethecookie.bsky.social's BIRRRTHDAAAAAYYY!!!! This makes THREE social media applications I've wished a happy day to them over these many, MANY, looonnnng years!!!

We have officially entered the void (December 25th to December 31st)

Be proud of your short, stout, teapotty self

muffins are cupcakes that lie on their resume

(sticks one pinky toe out from underneath the covers then quickly draws it back) Gonna snow.

I've prepared the ceremonial pool of lime jello. Jump in at your leisure.

this changes everything (self-heating hotdog)

There's just something about primal fear chasing you through the woods that stop to face it cannot slay with at lore and tell

So, I've decided I need buckwheat pancakes.

its not the wrong way its the scenic route

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

Going out to look at Christmas lights AFTER Christmas?! Pfft, yeah, like a goddamn fox!

covering my entire body in vaseline so i can inch around on the floor like a slug

Seeking a ghostwriter for my book about motivation and working hard, please submit a detailed outline and sample chapter

Take charge of your future. Become the person you were meant to be. Get a portable hot tub, put it in the back of a sweet van with a painting of wizards and dragons on the side, and cruise around town in style and grace.

If I see you being kind to someone who really needs it I might just fall in love with you a little.

I saw what you just did and I am either proud as punch or properly appalled, whichever you were going for. Good for you!

and when i say "haute cuisine" i mean food prepared in a hot air balloon

do you mean to tell me there are people LYING on the INTERNET

nobody will tell you this but you don't need to have an opinion on anything at all you can just like breathe deeply and eat tacos

You don’t sing me sea shanties anymore

The stinky boys are getting baths, then we'll wash the dogs.

I was visited by three spirits last night they ate all my food, drank all my wine and smoked all my weed and now I can’t get them to leave

Why would you spell out and when you can draw a swirly swoop thing that looks like a lil person w their fine booty on the floor reading something & & & & & & & &

When a giblets bag contains a neck, 4 hearts and 2 livers do you need gravy or an exorcism

I like to go around bragging about how I can read the last line at the eye doctor

(clipboard tucked under arm, clapping): places, people! places!

Can metamorphosis change your luck. I have no idea but I already feel like a new million bucks regurgitating this silk robe I swallowed from a casino

(spending another $4,200 on baby clothes) Yep. Sure is sad Lovey ain't got no clothes.

Been sleeping peacefully since putting new Goodyear all-season tires on my racecar bed.

[me after my christmas wish came true] does anyone know how to install two front teeth