A Covid shot that doesn't whisper behind your back, "accidentally" trip you, make fun of your outfit or hit you in the head with a large cartoon coconut

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but are you mad at me?

I regret to inform all of you that in 1992 Nabisco put out a SnackWell's crewneck sweatshirt that is just pure 🔥

What if, instead of a data center, it was a bespoke walkable village with reasonably priced housing and a darling cafe?

You know who thinks it’s acceptable to load a dishwasher like this? Al Qaeda.

Morning routine: •Egg •Teeth •Pants •Trip over neighbor trash can, spreading trash •Trip over trash, fall into open sewer •Meet and marry the Sewer King •Attend webinar

I bet you cut your firewood to stupid lengths. I mean that lovingly

Trying to get to bed early to get up early that’s how you farmer and the dell it.

I said it behooved me but I still have hands and feet. What a liar.

You there, young sci-fi concept. Tell me, what year is this. Flying words? But, they have always flown, from the first mouths to the final echoes in a breached out hull or ventilation shaft. Oh FJORDS, bitchin'

Drinking instant coffee like a low down no good no coffee machine haver

1958: Shoes, Fashion Footwear and Classic Styles from Drivers Family Bargain Club (+Leather Brogue; Black Calf Court; Leather Court; Red Leather Court; Black Suede Peep-Toe; Stone Court; and Black Suede Court)

human sized pez dispenser that scans you and produces whatever fresh, delicious sandwich your heart most desires

Big steel door

(arm around the devils shoulder at the bar, too loud) hahaha. my will is low key weak though

I hope the day finds you well. I also hope it finds you in a mossy forest, cozy bookstore, or crumbling castle on the shore. I hope you find the magic you're looking for.

Hurt microbes hurt microbes

“I have waited over centuries in the darkest pits... only to acquire this deserted house and seek my quiet rest. Yet even now, your ceaseless, chaotic running through my halls tests my ancient patience.”

my theory that nobody notices anything anymore will be tested tomorrow when i wear my new 6” platform shoes for the first time and the hairpiece and the caftan

father has been dipping into the legume reserve again

Please stop with the flour dust for aesthetic purposes, I need to know when my bread is starting to mold or not😭

I flung the door open to the Optimist Club and proclaimed, "I can see clearly now! The rain is gone!". They told me the Optometrist Club is down the hall and slammed the door in my face.

Breathing in an air of understanding, but I can feel something else too that makes less sensing. A detachment allergy. Just great I'm supposed to care outside later

[Scoob and the gang after ripping the mask off of the Birth Rate monster] Mr Shareholder?! ??!!

Guy with visible stink lines: the birth rate,

Bought myself a hose bib extender for mother's day, but I can't get it anchored in the ground because having children stoleded away all my strength.

Aries: You don't have a haunted doll in your collection because you are the haunted doll.

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE HEADLESS BOG WITCH WHO CRIES FOR VENGEANCE

Just back from introducing the Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Mormons in my cellar

FOOD? whatever. Just walk around outside w ur mouth open and all kinds of “nutrients” will fly right in

hi, welcome to our walled habitation. these are our children, Insufferable, Unbearable & Intolerable. please remove your shoes & put on this serenity robe. feel free to try some eucalyptus flavored oxygen from the purity bar in the wellness space near the comestible area.

Just glad to give Chad a reason to ignore both me and our anniversary for the 18th year in a row.

It's crazy how fast kids can just fall asleep while they're still sober.

I go out in this world most days and I've never seen a dog eat another dog. I dunno man, feels like scaremongreling to me

young dumb and full of gum (I don’t know why I keep swallowing it)

Just ride the wave until you crash into the shore, or get lost in the middle of the ocean, or drown…whatever, good luck.

I can't do much to help, but I will absolutely hate someone on your behalf.

Bertrand Russell on the streets, Nipsey Russell in the sheets.

True crime? Oh, you mean like the news

Be crazy if people had kids and they just ran off after a couple months and you had some more next year like opossums

Some days I get pretty annoyed with my me.

[nudging the person next to me and pointing at the milk] that's my birthday

Every time I hear the national anthem I’m like hey, wait a damn minute. This isn’t Born To Run

hoa sent me a warning letter regarding the size of my crow army

there are candles that keep burning day and night that show you nothing and lead you nowhere and they are in my brain

49 sleeps until Christmas in July!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t have the attention span to soften butter in the microwave.

My pal Eerie Gary told me that when Sir Isaac Newton discovered dinosaurs he wanted to call them ‘Gravity Monsters’

if you love something, set it and forget it

I CRAVE GRAND GESTURES! I WANT YOU 2 INTERRUPT BOWLING & DEDICATE “SPIRIT IN THE NIGHT” 2 ME B4 YOUR HOOK SHOT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN ELKS LODGE!!!!