and save your tips on peeling it, that knowledge comes directly from the great serpent

Pretty weird that if you really want to cut women in half your options are to become a children's party entertainer or a serial killer.

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

It was when men she had never had any interest in at all began sliding into DMs to let her know they have girlfriends that Pam decided to hang it up completely.

I imagine what all of you smell like based on your profile pic

[announcement over PA at work] "FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*

Gary was no Maytag repairman, but he fixed the dryer! It stopped making that weird noise as long as you don't put any clothes in it.

𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐏𝐀𝐏𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐌

My Body My Chocolate

From Finland, 1983: Products from Seppala (+High-necked Sweater; Long-sleeved Sweater; Basic Sweater; Wrap Jacket; Mini Skirt; Tights; Sleeveless T-Shirt; Cotton Polo Shirt; Leg warmers; and Striped Socks) [ENGinALT]

why is there a nuclear bomb noise every time something goes wrong in my life? who is making the sound

The Dancing Plague of 1518 sounds like a TikTok challenge.

its such a lovely fall day - i think i’ll go out and jog to death

I've been changing my avi one pixel at a time for 2 years

kids today have no idea that former president gerald ford spent his retirement years as an actor named john ashton who played the role of detective sergeant taggart in the hit 80s action comedy movies “beverly hills cop” and “beverly hills cop II”.

Oh sure, when a weird rat hides under a chef's hat and controls their body, people think it's cute. But when I, a perfectly normal earwig, crawl in a human's ear and whisper the names from my enemies list, suddenly controlling humans is "creepy" and "gross." How is that fair?

“I’ll die on this hill.” - Frodo at Mount Doom

of course i'm disappointed but then i told myself matt there's nothing wrong with being the second trillionaire that's still good going buddy

aww, who’s a sloppy baby? It’s me, the sloptopus. 8x the slop

costco is like vegas and I will be taking no further questions.

Meet me at the clearing with a handful of grave dirt, a bucket of pond water and a sprig of thyme. Wear comfortable shoes and a hooded cloak. Tonight we will perform the Unalivening when the planets align.

Him: [struggles with car repair for days] Me: Want me to call my dad? H: No! [struggles another day] M: Want me to call my dad? H: No! [struggles another day] M: Want me to call my dad? H: No! [struggles another day] H: Maybe I should call your dad M: Too late he’s gone deer hunting

Ask your doctor if watching tiny dogs scamper along in the park is right for you

delicately sprinkling 200g of extra mature cheddar over my dinner, which is another 200g of extra mature cheddar

Can’t believe you decided to play those notes in that order

We all have a thing or two to learn from me

I don’t feel comfortable allowing any product to “work its magic”

My name is Jared. What do I care anymore

Feeling sick. Luckily hate and bitterness contain vitamin C.

experiencing a tummy hex

You can symbolically adopt me and send me money. In return I’ll send you a tote bag.

Do we live in a soup or a salad?

LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. DO WE HAVE ANY DAVES WISHING TO CONTEST?!

I'm not everybody's cup of tea but I am everybody's favorite Dave. Only liars will disagree with this.

My grocery store is out of butter beans how will I go on

No, that vat of gravy we keep near the condiment bar is not for bathing. What’s wrong with you?

an owl babysitter is a hootenanny has this been done before

cruises are like 'hey, come sail around and have sex with the other people on this boat’ - no thank you!

From Canada, #Christmas 1973: Furniture and Home Entertainment from Eaton's (more at @OldInCatalogues.bsky.social#Christmas (+Relaxer with vibrator and rocker action; Relaxer with vibrator plugs; Relaxer with rocker action; Basic relaxer with TV-O-MATIC reclining mechanism, and more)

*going in to donate blood* just take it all

Didn’t get to be a sexy nurse for Halloween so I’m going to be a slutty turkey for Thanksgiving.

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

You guys behaving?

🚨 @joparkerbear.bsky.social 🚨

You laugh that one of the job requirements is "must stay awake for the whole shift" until you walk into the office and the only piece of furniture is a king size bed with curtains to block the light and your favorite childhood stuffy is resting against the plush pillows

It should be illegal for a phone manufacturer to switch from thumbprint unlock to forefinger unlock.

ate too many hort dorgs

A yelp when the server says to scan the QR code to go to the menu. A sharp yelp of alarm edged with sorrow.