i don't want a land of milk and honey i want a land of egg salad and dark rye

*my ancestry dot com advisor double checks the report, shakes his head & looks up at me* well, the data that i’m reading in front of me seems to indicate that you come from along line of people who have gotten lost at the mall.

Please check on your loved ones this holiday season if they’re using hallmark movies as anything other than the equivalent of a TV yule log they are broken inside

Sorry I didn't get that quotation to you first thing this morning. I spent an extra twenty minutes in bed, choosing a name for my coffee maker.

Knocked a couple pieces of maple together while bringing in firewood and before I knew it a family of bigfoots had brought a casserole. “We’re going to need that dish back,” they said, "it's vintage CorningWare."

Sometimes I fear that I'm not the smartest monkey to have ever fallen out of the trees

Guys I’m just not up to go to an 8 am meeting where I have to listen to misinformed people

When that cattle train crashed and burned outside of austin, mr. Rogers said, "Look for the hamburger helpers."

Can't always get Northern Lights in Illinois but tonight's pretty good! #nothernlights

Soooo. Everybody but Pam see the borealis in the arms of a foreign lover? Cool. Coooooolll.

Are you kidding me rn? I think I actually see that Aurora thing.

The beauty of the aurora is a friendly reminder that the sun is trying to kill us.

If your beer isn't stroganoff, have a few more.

Sticky rice for days is both my current situation and also the name of my j-pop tribute band from college.

You think you're just going to Aqua Groove Aerobics, when suddenly, in the middle of class the third oldest lady in class, swimsuit bottoms rather baggy, gets out of the pool to do the entire routine on land as we cheer her on.

A hot fudge Monday (Mondae?). But too long in the microwave and now Gary was trapped in the kitchen like a mammoth in a tar pit.

Psst… over here… want some cool words? Everybody loves words…

Your daily fortune: Adventure might be waiting around every corner, but so may an octopus with knives.

Sorry, I wasn't fully listening. The tiny whales that live in my stomach were singing again.

Gonna take my antacids to Aqua Groove Aerobics and walk around the locker room offering the ladies, in various stages of undress, a tums.

One winning scratch off and I'm going to act like I don't know any of you.

*shit getting pretty serious* *rolls up bathrobe sleeves*

Beer stroganoff

There was no room for a like after the twenty hashtags

as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a hogged-up Studs Terkel

ever since i was a small child i knew i wanted to eat twenty-five to forty grams of fiber a day

My favorite shots require sun. There isn't a lot of sun between Nov-March. But that means I need to BRANCH out (lol). Learn to work with what I have and make it interesting for the viewer. #photography #fall #autumn

should be a snack bar button on this site

if you can't beat em try using fire or doing a spin move

If psychics and chatgtp can't get you a law degree what hope is there for the rest of us

I'm shocked to learn people using this emotional slot machine are mentally unstable.

Hey. Pam here with a reminder to you fellas: If the FRONT of your swim trunks is ridin' BELOW your tum-tum, where do you suppose the BACK of your swim trunks is ridin'? (Aflac duck wanders in and clears his throat)

Longing for French fries. Bring them to me.

Them: what do you call a crocodile that’s good at bowling? Me: ᶦᶠ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵉⁿᵈˢ ᶦⁿ ᵃ ᵖᵘⁿ Them: an alley gator Me: ⁿᵒ ᵗʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃ ᶜʳᵒᶜᵒᵈᶦˡᵉ ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᶦᶠᶠᵉʳᵉⁿᵗ ʳᵉᵖᵗᶦˡᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖʳᵉᵐᶦˢᵉ ᶜᵒˡˡᵃᵖˢᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᶜᵒˡˡᵃᵖˢᵉˢ

When you stake out a nice rural patch to watch the majesty of the Northern Lights but instead you just see old episodes of Angel projected across the sky, that's called Aurora Boreanaz.

Handburger help us! They let a alpaca at a taco bell do surgery on a grape.

It's a 3 lb hen that's genetically modified to taste like beef. For when you want a couple a three burgers and don't want to spend all day butchering. I call it a cattle poult.

IN SPITE OF DEEP SNOW AND EVEN DEEPER DEPRESSION I AM PUTTING ON MY SWIMSUIT.

Me: society is a hellscape Also Me: I wish there was a dairy queen near me

yeah i might, oh chondria

alexa, play spa music max volume.

as my wife uses a rich & complex tapestry of words to give me a list of chores to do i squeeze my eyes shut so tight that not even god can get in & i think about how the anticlimactic seinfeld finale almost ripped this country apart.

little known fact but doctors *can* prescribe ice cream and the pharmacy *has* to give it to you *by law*

Oooo I’m Death. I'm a mean skeleton with a fancy sword. Fuck off, bone boy

Alls I need is someone to pet me and give me a snack to keep me occupied while you clean out my closet and then a TREAT for having such a clean closet!

french fries and gravy

the nectar of the dogs (puddle water)

Holding in all my good posts then letting em rip as soon as someone puts their eye up to the nozzle to see why nothing's coming out

In addition to seizing ships and carrying out raids on European coastal towns, the Barbary pirates were also known for giving great haircuts and shaves.