coffee isn’t enough i need to be jiggled about by one of those old timey weight loss machines

Can’t my so called “friends” just let me enjoy being catfished?

Don’t make the mistake of staying home today. You will decide to take down Christmas.

the feminine urge to untie the green ribbon that’s keeping my head attached to my neck

The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.

people sleeping while me working makes she-hulk angry

I just saw a poodle wearing a turtle neck and I think the universe is signaling everything will be alright soon

roses are red, now they’re trying to conceive,

ethically sourced* *found on a body I innocently came upon in a forest

Ruin two bands by combining them Abba-ha

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

Thanks to modern vaccines, the Big Mac Attack was eradicated by the end of the 1980s.

Life’s ass has never had it so good.

No, really, this is my enthusiastic face.

Sticking my fingers in my ears while chanting, "Fa la la I can't hear you!" until New Years

went to return something at Nordstrom Rack the day before Christmas and caught all the husbands in a prayer circle

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

WARNING: Don't drive your car into the bacon.

What's wrong with my brain? What does this asshole want now? Food? Jeebus.

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

I stay up all night and sleep all day I have not gone feral I have gone rockstar

You’re just jealous of the Tesla stock I won in my spam folder.

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

You don't see kids named Gandalf anymore.

If at any point 2026 says, “hold my beer,” DO NOT DO IT.

still grappling with the fact people block me. ME!

My accreditations:

Can someone come get out of bed for me

Husband down in the dumps because you're giving him the same birthday he gives you? Don't sweat it! You'll make it up to him!

What's it like getting to climb into bed next to someone who loves you? I bet it's like a really good sandwich.

“I bet you could pull a plow clean through an old alfalfa field,” he complimented.

male pattern idiocy

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but let’s go get matching tattoos

The thread count of this entanglement.

It being a few days past Christmas, go on and order those full price nightgowns you told your husband to buy you when they were 1/2 off months ago. So what if the tea kettle you hinted about falls into the cart too. So what?

I have worked it out so that if a genie ever gives me three wishes I can help humanity but also do something about these chin hairs

"and the third rule of Fight Club is that you have to have high-risk insurance.”

A lake is just a real big bucket full of fish.

Life Hack: never stop breathing

I think I can speak for my wife and say I really shouldn’t be speaking for my wife.

Guys. When I was first conceived, I was a girl for a little bit. And I think that made all the difference in the world.

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes you get a bull by its horns and then you know you only live once on the grass that’s greener on its side.

Ask me how you can enjoy my new invention allowing you to have real-time, two-way audio messaging.

If you would prefer to not eat a shipload full of fried snails then you are just eschewing chewing escargot cargo.

I eat a lot of eggs because I fucking hate chickens.

Once I stead this home, y’all bitches is cooked.

OMG! ITS @bethecookie.bsky.social's BIRRRTHDAAAAAYYY!!!! This makes THREE social media applications I've wished a happy day to them over these many, MANY, looonnnng years!!!

We have officially entered the void (December 25th to December 31st)