I’m sorry. I don’t answer texts that take that long to write

if you see me with a chip clip in my hair mind your business

i’ll be on facebook telling everyone I see to fuck right off

be careful out there today the static electricity is really bad some tacos just stuck to my mouth

a 7 layer dip only every layer is pills

having a conjugal visit with a pan of leftover lasagna

last christmas i gave you my heart and you gave me your liver it was a whole weird gift of the magi thing

I WILL INTERACT WHEN I AM DEAD.

Practicing mindfulness (filling my skull with elbow macaroni).

You're barking up the wrong tree, Kevin. That is the ficus. Leave it alone.

Just passed out and my life flashed before my eyes and wow that was an awful lot of mayonnaise.

Removing an ingrown hair but it's my spine.

There are many qualities I look for in the people I allow into my life but the most important of all is low expectations.

If at first you don't succeed just say fuck it and give up.

One day this therapy will take and then it will be all over for you bitches

honestly sometimes i wish the plot would thin a little

the world will burn your fingers while it frostbites your toes

gonna start wearing a hat so i have something to scream into

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

my fav thing about women is when they’re like I’m a delicate flower then go shower in lava

mcdonalds sprite has stem cells in it

if there was a way for y’all to slosh around in my brain for a bit all would be forgiven and ppl would be saying things like it’s a wonder she manages as well as she does

It would never work—I’d move in, fill up your fridge with magnets and then when I ran out of room I’d go looking for a man with a bigger fridge

Hello, you have reached the Centre for Disease Control and Total World Domination, how may we help you?

a timeshare for normal serotonin levels

high above us the stars are like go back to bed

I got them long tall neuroses/legs

What if the reason you’ve never met your soulmate is because they were slowly trampled to death by a Galapagos tortoise?

@bsky.app I got blocked from the app and I’m not in Mississippi—I’m in Memphis Tennessee. Currently using Graysky to access my account. Can you stop kicking off Tennessee ppl please and thank you

my family has an annual christmas tradition where we all gather around a burning volkswagen van in the street & my uncle tells the story of the time a dragster tire fell through the roof of my grandma’s house & killed a cat burglar who was about to steal her turquoise nose ring.

there’s a time to be silly and a time to ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶stuff cotton balls in your ears

there should be adult bathtub toys like miniature billionaires we can pretend to drown

look I have better things to do than “care about stuff”

can I put out my Halloween stuff yet

"Where have you been all my life?" In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

My favourite people at work are the ones who go out of their way to avoid me.

Can’t decide whether I need a hug or a straitjacket.

wake me up when i can eternal sunshine someone out of my head

I shouldn’t be driving a Mazda, I should be lying down in the back of a hearse

no one tells you your life’s gonna turn into a menopause mounjaro breast cancer salad as you rocket into your 50’s. Stay in your 30’s kids. Stay there as long as you can

(seducing you with one compression sock)

Is it seriously wedding season right now? Who would want to claim they will love someone forever when it's really hot?

I consider myself quite the innovator in the kitchen. narrator: he has melted at least 12 different cheeses over 7 different types of toasted bread.

I wasn’t happy with the way that it ended. He never called me a scourge, cursed my ancestors, or even secretly wished me dead

my whoring days are long over these are my have you seen my glasses days

ever since i was little i knew i wanted to grow up to be a giant bitch

I like people from a distance like in a different state.