gonna start wearing a hat so i have something to scream into

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

my fav thing about women is when they’re like I’m a delicate flower then go shower in lava

mcdonalds sprite has stem cells in it

if there was a way for y’all to slosh around in my brain for a bit all would be forgiven and ppl would be saying things like it’s a wonder she manages as well as she does

It would never work—I’d move in, fill up your fridge with magnets and then when I ran out of room I’d go looking for a man with a bigger fridge

Hello, you have reached the Centre for Disease Control and Total World Domination, how may we help you?

I read horror for fun, but nothing chills me like knowing so many of you are responsible for raising children.

When I was younger I wanted to change the world. Now I just want everyone to leave me alone.

a timeshare for normal serotonin levels

high above us the stars are like go back to bed

I got them long tall neuroses/legs

What if the reason you’ve never met your soulmate is because they were slowly trampled to death by a Galapagos tortoise?

@bsky.app I got blocked from the app and I’m not in Mississippi—I’m in Memphis Tennessee. Currently using Graysky to access my account. Can you stop kicking off Tennessee ppl please and thank you

my family has an annual christmas tradition where we all gather around a burning volkswagen van in the street & my uncle tells the story of the time a dragster tire fell through the roof of my grandma’s house & killed a cat burglar who was about to steal her turquoise nose ring.

there’s a time to be silly and a time to ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶stuff cotton balls in your ears

there should be adult bathtub toys like miniature billionaires we can pretend to drown

look I have better things to do than “care about stuff”

can I put out my Halloween stuff yet

"Where have you been all my life?" In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

My favourite people at work are the ones who go out of their way to avoid me.

Can’t decide whether I need a hug or a straitjacket.

wake me up when i can eternal sunshine someone out of my head

I shouldn’t be driving a Mazda, I should be lying down in the back of a hearse

no one tells you your life’s gonna turn into a menopause mounjaro breast cancer salad as you rocket into your 50’s. Stay in your 30’s kids. Stay there as long as you can

(seducing you with one compression sock)

Is it seriously wedding season right now? Who would want to claim they will love someone forever when it's really hot?

I consider myself quite the innovator in the kitchen. narrator: he has melted at least 12 different cheeses over 7 different types of toasted bread.

I wasn’t happy with the way that it ended. He never called me a scourge, cursed my ancestors, or even secretly wished me dead

my whoring days are long over these are my have you seen my glasses days

ever since i was little i knew i wanted to grow up to be a giant bitch

I like people from a distance like in a different state.

CAN’T. BUSY HAVING A HOT FLASH

Stages of life: 1. Birth 2. You gotta be fucking kidding me 3. Death

Thou Shalt Not Use My Alligators For Fascism.

life goal: learn to draw a mongoose

I give thanks to God every day for making me an atheist.

your boundaries are stupid let me in (mine are completely reasonable, do not proceed beyond this line)

set spud guns to shoestring

you can sit on your front porch in your underwear going ‘wee-woo wee-woo’ at passing cars nothing matters anymore

Taking time out of my busy schedule to practice self-care (walking out of the air-conditioned office and immediately bursting into flames)

If anybody is looking for some pointers, the fastest way to my heart is to stab me repeatedly in the chest.

I put my trousers on just like everybody else; crying in the bath tub.

Using big words he doesn't understand, like "peace"

*after sex* what was that

skeet like everyone has you muted

This account is now exclusively for deep thoughts and buttholes. Sometimes both at once.

i see no reason why i can’t smash the state from this recliner

Emojis are the hieroglyphs of a society that lost its way.