I don't know, I think we would all just be that much happier if we let hummingbirds nest in our empty eye sockets.

What are we even doing here? (turning children into luggage tags)

I'm afraid it's not good news, sir. It's your glands, they're full of Irish stew.

I can't do much to help, but I will absolutely hate someone on your behalf.

She's leaking active ingredients, somebody get a bowl please.

Honor me with the spare keys to your home. I won't even creep into your room at night to eat your ham and count your sheep.

If Alberta separates while I am in it, do not rest until they send my body home.

"I am not dead." SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A DEAD PERSON WOULD SAY, LORD BYRON.

I don’t need friends I need spaghetti

I’m only here because I’m itchy and I need a distraction

sorry i missed your wedding but i swallowed wrong and was coughing for a few hours

I’m not allowed to have blanket forts anymore since I accidentally locked myself in and mom had to call the fire department to break down the duvet

greek scientist who says 'particles' like 'heracles'

Interpretive dance, for when you don’t have an answer to a question

The best revenge is stealing the rotating plate from their microwave

enjoying my boobs while they’re still hanging around up front before they decide to go off and live in my arm pits

Lost another girl to a guy who knows how to tie lots of different knots

I’m smart but not “knows how to change or even select a drill bit” smart

If you’re tempted to reply to a joke post with: •picky factual correction •humorless literalism •self righteous scolding •your strident personal politics …Stop. You’re sucking the life out of the platform. Take your typing hand and slap yourself across the face instead.

her: do that thing I like me: *suffers in silence*

This day in history. 1965. In Cardiff during a concert Kinks drummer Mick Avory knocked out Kinks guitarist Dave Davies with a ride cymbal. "He made an opprobrious remark about my snare drum," said Avory, "so I sloshed him."

Make the techno-fascists drink the data center water

Sometimes I put a blanket over my head and talk to myself so I can pretend that I am a parrot

I am not for beginners

glowing mysteriously in solidarity with the moon

I need a break. And a cauldron. And some eye of newt

Protest at the Legislature in Nashville today as Republican plans are carried out to gerrymander the last blue district out of Tennessee

I’m gonna come by and draw happy faces on all the leaves in your yard

Me to my cat: did you know your face is dissolving into tiny little squares?

please do not cremate my remains. i wanna be a skeleton some day

I can hear the universe breathing into its cpap mask

when I come over you can kiss your bread & butter pickles goodbye

I will not go to hell riding less than an elephant

i asked a magic 8 ball if everything was going to be ok and it collapsed in on itself like a dying star is that good

feeling scathed

I’m clocked out and it’s glorious

gonna use my tax return to buy cat treats again this year

float to the kitchen grab some chips eat on the ceiling

what if earrings grew out of the side of our heads and we hung little dangly ears from them

If I could change anything about myself I’d make my mouth big enough to fit a whole cookie

Yes, the crows ARE laughing at you

As a child I ate the flesh-colored crayola and this is my cannibal origin story.

The older I get, the more my brain feels like it was stirred with a fork.

Draining all the fluids from my body so they can be replaced with a nice Aperol spritz.

life hack: cats

This is one of those ‘if I wake up dead tomorrow it will still be a better day than today’ kind of days.

if it’s been sitting under a heat lamp for more than an hour that’s not food anymore it’s a hostile alien life form

i truly do not care what the rain in spain is doing

I keep my secrets in my hair (hint: it’s the grey ones)

Always keep a small piece of chalk in your pocket lest you run out of tums or fall down and die.