Yes, the crows ARE laughing at you

As a child I ate the flesh-colored crayola and this is my cannibal origin story.

The older I get, the more my brain feels like it was stirred with a fork.

Draining all the fluids from my body so they can be replaced with a nice Aperol spritz.

life hack: cats

This is one of those ‘if I wake up dead tomorrow it will still be a better day than today’ kind of days.

if it’s been sitting under a heat lamp for more than an hour that’s not food anymore it’s a hostile alien life form

i truly do not care what the rain in spain is doing

I keep my secrets in my hair (hint: it’s the grey ones)

Always keep a small piece of chalk in your pocket lest you run out of tums or fall down and die.

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

My one eyelid is planning a coup.

Come my children, stare down my gullet to the very center of me, a world of wonder, an ocean of acid.

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

What's it like getting to climb into bed next to someone who loves you? I bet it's like a really good sandwich.

"New year, new me", I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

i take being silly very seriously

I just wanna be a magnet on your fridge and watch you eat string cheese at 3am

i plan to spend the next year living as an inflatable lawn decoration

A piñata full of unused new year's resolutions.

I’m sorry. I don’t answer texts that take that long to write

if you see me with a chip clip in my hair mind your business

i’ll be on facebook telling everyone I see to fuck right off

be careful out there today the static electricity is really bad some tacos just stuck to my mouth

a 7 layer dip only every layer is pills

having a conjugal visit with a pan of leftover lasagna

last christmas i gave you my heart and you gave me your liver it was a whole weird gift of the magi thing

I WILL INTERACT WHEN I AM DEAD.

Practicing mindfulness (filling my skull with elbow macaroni).

You're barking up the wrong tree, Kevin. That is the ficus. Leave it alone.

Just passed out and my life flashed before my eyes and wow that was an awful lot of mayonnaise.

Removing an ingrown hair but it's my spine.

There are many qualities I look for in the people I allow into my life but the most important of all is low expectations.

If at first you don't succeed just say fuck it and give up.

One day this therapy will take and then it will be all over for you bitches

honestly sometimes i wish the plot would thin a little

the world will burn your fingers while it frostbites your toes

gonna start wearing a hat so i have something to scream into

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

my fav thing about women is when they’re like I’m a delicate flower then go shower in lava

mcdonalds sprite has stem cells in it

if there was a way for y’all to slosh around in my brain for a bit all would be forgiven and ppl would be saying things like it’s a wonder she manages as well as she does

It would never work—I’d move in, fill up your fridge with magnets and then when I ran out of room I’d go looking for a man with a bigger fridge

Hello, you have reached the Centre for Disease Control and Total World Domination, how may we help you?

I read horror for fun, but nothing chills me like knowing so many of you are responsible for raising children.

When I was younger I wanted to change the world. Now I just want everyone to leave me alone.

a timeshare for normal serotonin levels

high above us the stars are like go back to bed