I’ll keep it simple when I’m dead

It was partly the moon and partly incontinence

in my imagination I’m a peacock and you’re all admiring me

you’ve been introduced to a malevolent supernatural entity, and you’re thinking of dating it

Real Housewives of Waffle House

after every game wemby drinks a twee, little corked glass bottle and turns tiny again

There was a WEIRD bug in my bed: IN MY BED. I am never going to sleep again ever

local man reborn as silica packet

[handing my credit card to the kid behind the ice cream bar] keep it open

There should be a kind of vegetable that doesn't go rotten 5 seconds before I finally decide to eat them.

I can't believe I spent my childhood riding around on an acoustic bike.

Bruno Mars at a funeral making sad woo woo woo noises

By now we should have a real Batman. We have the technology

america is a country in the same way mcdonalds is a restaurant

bringing an orca to a yacht fight

This day in history. 1838. The first recorded baseball game was played at Beachville Ontario, with five bases instead of four and special ground rules for cow interference.

The difference between marmite and vegemite? The vegemite hangs from the 𝘵𝘰𝘱 of the cave.

Take it from someone who knows, when a genie offers you a wish be sure he knows the difference between affluent and effluent.

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

Putting “emotionally stable” in front of almost any word makes it instantly funny. Emotionally stable raccoon. Emotionally stable gas station. Emotionally stable divorce. Emotionally stable rotisserie chicken.

In my twenties it was bad boys. In my forties it’s achieving gardening success.

The garden snakes are back, which means the tiny rodent crime syndicate operating under my flower beds is about to have a very bad quarter.

I only have room in my heart for one true love, and it’s antacids.

*sings Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game to a Costco sheet cake.

*rides my skateboard to divorce court

like meat through a grinder these are the days of our lives

i love being tall but occasionally i really wish i was tiny so i could nap under a mushroom

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

looking for moral clarity inside this bag of donuts

I wonder how I’ll get out of my responsibilities today

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

If you only learn one thing in life, you should probably start paying a little more attention.

make the most of your time with a cat and a great big teapot

I’m not just the cheese I’m the whole goddamn lasagna

welcome to my foghorn/lighthouse onlyfans page

kids, this is the year i start biting and growling

I find casual violence abhorrent. The least you can do is put on a tux first.

the kool-aid man only he’s coffee-man and he’s big enough for me to climb into and swim around

If anyone knows what to look like or what to say or how to stand correctly, let me know

the trees are creaking at me again

is it Katie bar the door yet

It might be the meds talking but I feel pretty confident that I could fight a kangaroo while riding a giraffe right now.

If you can’t beat them, pay someone else to do it for you instead.

I need the peace of mind only dementia can provide

The muse is a brain eating amoeba

My drafts are more like a purulent cyst may it never break open to you all

I just wanna be in your blast radius

Let’s look at the same thing from different angles together (date night idea)*

& the next thing you know you’ve got a suitcase full of gold and you’re running away with a mysterious Frenchwoman

I don't know, I think we would all just be that much happier if we let hummingbirds nest in our empty eye sockets.