Shania Twain lives in my walls and sometimes presses her mouth up to electric outlets or holes I've punched and she begs for sips of mustard and I say no Shania please you can't keep living like this and she says please I need mustard and then I give her some mustard so she leaves me alone for a bit

ohhhhh oh oh i see. at my old church we pronounced it "jod" but we're talking about the same guy. sorry sorry let me sheathe my weapon

Who you calling a cootie queen you LINT LICKER?

Congratuwations, you pwayed yoursewf

When Tom from Tom and Jerry gets his pan knocked in by Jerry, and he does that big howl. Haunting. He’s in a lot of pain, there’s anguish there.

there is only one hope for humanity- the synthesizer

poop smells like dog poop poop smells like dog poop but im human poop smells like dog poop but im human reddit

(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

how it feels to live in the US

yeah man i'll circle back to you on that agenda item from yesterday's all hands in just a sec. our pedophile king just threatened to destroy a whole civilization

If he'd claimed he teleported to any place besides Waffle House I'd say obviously he's full of shit. But Waffle house...

“Chicago pizza isn’t real pizza” is the “I hate the word moist” of food takes

Inhalation is still the top way to get stuff into the lungs

The mind is the Gun of the brain

my brother: so after Deb retires from Pfizer we’ll probably sell the house up north and move to Hermosa. me: nice that’s cool. you know the Hatchet Gang? it’s like 80 guys with hatchets. they are after me. they think i stole a relic but i didn’t. it’s a long story. can i smoke out back?

remember not to trust anything you see or hear today

a world without trans people has never existed and never will

Whispering the word "poison" in your ear, thereby poisoning you with word poison.

new term for male penis: henis

i do take some comfort knowing that stephen miller will never be able to dine in a restaurant for the rest of his life

I can’t have been the only one to spot actor Dann Florek in this week’s The Pitt. Florekheads drop an extra N in the comments if you agree he’s a Dann Fine Performer!

sorry i never responded to your email, i didn't want to and then i forgot

today i will only be half listening and quarter responding

Post a non-religious picture you think of as holy

Come on, everybody, we can manifest this!

one of those israeli military jizz retrieval units going berserk and jacking off a whole village

walking with my hands behind my back so people think i am wise

Me omw to the break room when they send an email that’s like, there’s extra lunch from that earlier meeting in the break room

On a good day at my 40hr/wk job I do about 10 min of actual work. Most days I’m punishing them for me not going to bed early enough the night before and I don’t do any work at all

playing with my boyfriends drill while he is at work im drilling the dirt in the backyard

Bro her productive cough

(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo

once i figure out how to get certain items and do certain things, well… haha. let’s just say. well.

with slightly different sound effects Sirāt could have been the funniest movie of the year

Could an empire in decline do THIS? *launches deeply unpopular invasion cementing status as lunatic-led pariah state, its not clear what kind of move i was trying to do*

Caterpillar waking up halfway through metamorphosis: I'm goo. Shit. Shit. Calm down. Go back to sleep. I'm really straight-up goo right now. Fuck

crazy that a few years ago Noem was a frontrunner for vice president, and now last I heard she was working as a mannequin at an abandoned shopping mall

Hey kid you cant just do what you wanna do your whole life youre gonna a have to get a job at, or, go to the prison

Im a lot like the Sloth victim in Se7en: -landlord said Im the ideal tenant -appear to be dead until disturbed -chewed my own tongue off a long time ago

But we're going to touch the stove and we'll be touching it more than probably ever before. And we're not going to get burned. We're not going to get burned

war is pretty much the worst thing you could ever declare

You all have proved my point that actor Kevin Corrigan is grossly underappreciated

Nobody: Nobody: Literally no one: (this skeet takes place after the heat death of the universe)

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Dog's fucking around on the Ouija board asking the Devil if he's a good boy and shit.

Kevin Corrigan appreciation thread. Use this space to talk about your fav Kev stories and memories

you come to me on the day of my tummy's hurting