im hearing reports that Mitch McConnell did The Jaunt while awake

ugh this is what i get for dating outside the Serpent Cult

id like so much to be funny, interesting, or smart, but i have to settle for kind of in the way

scenes without mommy’s face in them are unnecessary in movies. it does nothing to advance the story of where did mommy go

JOKER: Not so fast, Bat-JERK! My LAUGHBangs will leave you BLIND as a BAT! BLUESKY BATMAN: Oof. Many people suffer from reduced vision. Not funny. JOKER: It's like, it's a pun. It's just wordplay. BLUESKY BATMAN: Sorry if I'm not in the mood for "jokes" while SCOTUS shreds our constitutional rights

if I was a monkey I’d probably get my ass beat and I’d only be allowed to eat rotten fruit that fell off the tree if I was a monkey I’d fucking SUCK *sobbing punching my table* AARGH

They call me Mr. Minds His Own Business (I assume)

tomorrow is monday, an email day. they will seek me out and find me - an email not yet sent nor even composed, but as destined to my inbox as the arrow mid-flight to the apple. i, too, will send my own emails; the germ of their conception already in my mind

I think d-day was bad because it happened on a tuesday. a smarter general would have sent the troops in on a weekend when the germans had the day off

June the 4th be With You!

america is a country in the same way mcdonalds is a restaurant

Once you're cursed, it's hard to be around the non-cursed

Disney should make a Gaston simulator for weak men.

Be the awk you want to see in the ward

i find this culture quite narsty

I saw your boyfriend gumming helplessly on a Rowntrees Fruit Pastille, trying to console himself after getting all of his teeth knocked out by a startled horse.

i didn’t used to was so stupid as i currently, is

ohhhhh oh oh i see. at my old church we pronounced it "jod" but we're talking about the same guy. sorry sorry let me sheathe my weapon

Congratuwations, you pwayed yoursewf

When Tom from Tom and Jerry gets his pan knocked in by Jerry, and he does that big howl. Haunting. He’s in a lot of pain, there’s anguish there.

there is only one hope for humanity- the synthesizer

poop smells like dog poop poop smells like dog poop but im human poop smells like dog poop but im human reddit

(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

how it feels to live in the US

yeah man i'll circle back to you on that agenda item from yesterday's all hands in just a sec. our pedophile king just threatened to destroy a whole civilization

If he'd claimed he teleported to any place besides Waffle House I'd say obviously he's full of shit. But Waffle house...

“Chicago pizza isn’t real pizza” is the “I hate the word moist” of food takes

Inhalation is still the top way to get stuff into the lungs

The mind is the Gun of the brain

my brother: so after Deb retires from Pfizer we’ll probably sell the house up north and move to Hermosa. me: nice that’s cool. you know the Hatchet Gang? it’s like 80 guys with hatchets. they are after me. they think i stole a relic but i didn’t. it’s a long story. can i smoke out back?

remember not to trust anything you see or hear today

a world without trans people has never existed and never will

Whispering the word "poison" in your ear, thereby poisoning you with word poison.

new term for male penis: henis

i do take some comfort knowing that stephen miller will never be able to dine in a restaurant for the rest of his life

I can’t have been the only one to spot actor Dann Florek in this week’s The Pitt. Florekheads drop an extra N in the comments if you agree he’s a Dann Fine Performer!

sorry i never responded to your email, i didn't want to and then i forgot

today i will only be half listening and quarter responding

Post a non-religious picture you think of as holy

Come on, everybody, we can manifest this!

one of those israeli military jizz retrieval units going berserk and jacking off a whole village

walking with my hands behind my back so people think i am wise

Me omw to the break room when they send an email that’s like, there’s extra lunch from that earlier meeting in the break room

On a good day at my 40hr/wk job I do about 10 min of actual work. Most days I’m punishing them for me not going to bed early enough the night before and I don’t do any work at all

Bro her productive cough