God will punish the Ghostbusters for passing judgement on the dead for that is his right and his right alone.

Neighbor said he went to the Build-A-Bear workshop and accidently built an actual bear. I called him a fucking liar. He started crying. I hugged him. There was no forgiveness in the hug, but there was comfort. The embrace lasted an hour, neither of us having anything else to do.

We mated Pegasus with a unicorn and the resulting offspring was a moron whose hide was riddled with jagged spikes that liked to hop while shitting feathers. The meat was completely unusable.

Neighbor said he went to the Build-A-Bear workshop and accidently built an actual bear. I called him a fucking liar. He started crying. I hugged him. There was no forgiveness in the hug, but there was comfort. The embrace lasted an hour, neither of us having anything else to do.

All the rotisserie chickens at the store spontaneously interlocked Voltron style forming a hot and greasy humanoid that proceeded to beat the shit out of everyone. Victims described the beatings as "Delicious" and "God's Will."

My new doctor is telling me that to fight my high blood pressure I need to start drinking slow blood. "Sloth blood, snail blood, that sort of thing." He gave me the address of a blood merchant and recommended I not trade any of my blood because it will be used for, "Voodoo shit."

We mated Pegasus with a unicorn and the resulting offspring was a moron whose hide was riddled with jagged spikes that liked to hop while shitting feathers. The meat was completely unusable.

Marmaduke is so big that children weep black ichor at the very sight of him and all the fields turn fallow and all work of God and Man has been for nought cuz he is just so darn big.

Went to that Midnight Petting Zoo. It was mostly spiders. There was a lizard. A skink maybe. Also, a shirtless and hairy man. I asked the owner why there were no goats, and he stuck me with a hypodermic needle and said I had hepatitis now. The hairy man laughed despite the wonderful pets I gave him.

The mayor is holding a rally at the park on Valentine's Day. He's promised to eat an entire walrus heart to prove his policies are stronger than love. I wasn't going to go, but I heard they're gonna have some of those new smart piñatas that can feel pain and I sort of want to check that out.

Dog's fucking around on the Ouija board asking the Devil if he's a good boy and shit.

At the barbers. There was a turtle on the floor eating hair. "Should that turtle be eating hair?" I asked. "That's no turtle," the barber said. I looked closer. He was right. It wasn't. I don't know what the fuck it was. Probably shouldn't have been eating hair, regardless.

Went to the Dollar Store and discovered that they'd illegally put my face on the cans of their new range of Dumb Ass Beans: Beans For The True Shithead. I took a picture of the cans but then I dropped my phone into a pot of unrelated beans at a second location.

God will punish the Ghostbusters for passing judgement on the dead for that is his right and his right alone.

Hiring a birthday clown to fight me (To feel another's touch)

You ever see a sandwich that looks so good that Dreaming by Blondie starts playing in your head?

Aslan bursts into Hogwarts and sends them all to Hell

Went to the Dollar Store and discovered that they'd illegally put my face on the cans of their new range of Dumb Ass Beans: Beans For The True Shithead. I took a picture of the cans but then I dropped my phone into a pot of unrelated beans at a second location.

Went into the shed to grab an old bike tire to throw off a bridge. Saw a scorpion. It was writing poetry with its stinger on the back of an old envelope. My heart broke. He's never going make any money doing that. I left him to his poverty and chucked the shit out of that tire.

Washing down my blood pressure pills with a Dr. Pepper like a real American.

That doctor who does those ear wax removal videos I love just posted a vid where he confessed that he saved up all the wax to make a statue of what he's sure his son would have looked like if women just understood him.

That doctor who does those ear wax removal videos I love just posted a vid where he confessed that he saved up all the wax to make a statue of what he's sure his son would have looked like if women just understood him.

That yellow school bus filled with shirtless old men is cruising the neighborhood again.

It's clear now that the brazen thefts of such world monuments as The Statue Of Liberty and The Sydney Opera House by arch criminal Carmen Sandiego were simply high-profile distractions to mask the existence of international pedophile rings.

That's supposed to be a cat head balanced on a worm.

Got new sheets for the bed. Red swirly patterns. Making me overstimulated. Rowdy as fuck. Causing scenes at the Olive Garden. Eating my spaghetti weird. Punched out the passenger window of a Kia. Family burned the sheets. Got me beige ones. Just a drone now. Like the rest of you.

Figaro! Son qua Ehi, Figaro! Son qua Figaro qua, Figaro la, Figaro qua, Figaro la Figaro su, Figaro giu, Figaro su, Figaro giu Pronto prontissimo son come il fumine Sono il factotum della citta (Della citta, della citta, della citta, della citta)

It's clear now that the brazen thefts of such world monuments as The Statue Of Liberty and The Sydney Opera House by arch criminal Carmen Sandiego were simply high-profile distractions to mask the existence of international pedophile rings.

He was found in his garage. Story Book Love from The Princess Bride soundtrack was playing on a loop via his Alexa. Stabbed himself in the heart with his right hand. In his left was clutched a copy of Maxim magazine. Carmen Electra on the cover. The officers agreed that it was a gentlemen's death.

He was found in his garage. Story Book Love from The Princess Bride soundtrack was playing on a loop via his Alexa. Stabbed himself in the heart with his right hand. In his left was clutched a copy of Maxim magazine. Carmen Electra on the cover. The officers agreed that it was a gentlemen's death.

A saint or something must've sneezed on our doorbell camera because the images it now captures show not the physical being but the precise mutilations of their souls which has made it very difficult to identify who exactly has been shitting on our porch.

Watching the Olympics. The ice has rebelled and is now skating on flesh. Scott Hamilton is weirdly enthusiastic about the situation.

A saint or something must've sneezed on our doorbell camera because the images it now captures show not the physical being but the precise mutilations of their souls which has made it very difficult to identify who exactly has been shitting on our porch.

Went down to the park to do circuits around the track and as I was leaving a representative of the city and several members of the public approached me and gave me a sash and a certificate and congratulated me on, "Having the sassiest lil' walk we ever did see."

Not all sinkholes drop in to Hell. Yes, most sinkholes are gateways to Hell but a fair few just go to the center of the Earth which is not Hell and still others lead to unknown realms which by definition are all places not known and Hell is known.

Went down to the park to do circuits around the track and as I was leaving a representative of the city and several members of the public approached me and gave me a sash and a certificate and congratulated me on, "Having the sassiest lil' walk we ever did see."

Y’know, the stars could completely rearrange themselves and I wouldn’t have a fucking clue.

They just crushed a baked potato and covered it in cheese and fajita meat. It's fucking incredible.

Alien species interbreed with us specifically to get big asses into their gene pool.

Was slightly criticized so have been visualizing violent scenarios for 36 hours.

I know this is messed up to say but you can't think about too many fat people at once because the thought bubble above your head will collapse from the weight and you'll end up with tiny tubby thought forms waddling around and causing a ruckus.

I'll be watching that alternate Super Bowl Halftime show where a Charmin Bear will shit a football 1000 MPH straight into Hell and kill Lee Harvey Oswald for a second time.

Truman from The Truman Show was murdered almost immediately afterwards, right? We all agree on that, right?

Alien species interbreed with us specifically to get big asses into their gene pool.

I think the scariest thing that the aliens could tell us once they reveal themselves is that they weren’t behind cattle mutilations, but they know who is: Angels

Got bit twice at the Dollar Store but the skin barely broke and the dude seemed clean so it's probably good.

Tomorrow, Punxsutawney Phil's shadow will open its eyes for the first time and see Phil and it will mean the end of seasons.

A David Cronenberg themed version of the game Operation where you're pulling cancer guns, pieces of Jayne Mansfield's death car, and slimy fuck bugs out of a flat Cronenberg with a red light up nose.

Cleaning out my belly button and found this

A David Cronenberg themed version of the game Operation where you're pulling cancer guns, pieces of Jayne Mansfield's death car, and slimy fuck bugs out of a flat Cronenberg with a red light up nose.