Quentin Tarantino’s head would be a great end level boss in a Super Nintendo game.

Started teaching a feral cat we feed to use sound buttons to communicate and surprisingly it actually went pretty well except she did reveal the true name of God to me and now all I can see is eternity which has made it very difficult to concentrate on updating my résumé.

My story The Shithouse Exorcist is featured on the latest episode of The NoSleep Podcast. It's a disgusting little tale brought to life splendidly by the NoSleep team and for anyone who shows me proof that they've listened I will kill one ghost. This is for real. I can do it. I have a special gun.

Like, I would've given money at George Bailey's house but as soon as I heard that Sam Wainwright was going to front him 25 grand I def would've been all, "So...we can take OUR money back, right? Like, you're completely covered now so you don't need any of OUR money, right?"

Talking to my neighbor. We were ballparking the tensile strength of each other's flesh when we heard a ding and a man approached. "Times up, stop talking," he said. "Please go do other things now." He was a stranger, but he seemed strong, so we complied without incident.

On my walk today I heard someone say, "J is the cuntiest of all the letters," and I thought about this for a second and a fucking portal opened up in my brain and little goblin hands stuck out of my nose.

My story The Shithouse Exorcist is featured on the latest episode of The NoSleep Podcast. It's a disgusting little tale brought to life splendidly by the NoSleep team and for anyone who shows me proof that they've listened I will kill one ghost. This is for real. I can do it. I have a special gun.

All the mice in the house have started dressing like Gerard Way in the Welcome To The Black Parade video so we're keeping an eye on that.

The advent calendar that my family made for my upcoming colonoscopy is truly foul, but I can't say that I'm not excited to find out what's behind each "door" every morning.

And I was all, "Hey man that chair is way too big for you. Ostentatious, even." And he was all, "I am a tiny baby made of gold."

Rendered into a fine red mist by supersonic bullets travelling at the speed of prayer ceaselessly pumping from the obscene weaponry of the Anti-Christ's crucified mecha. It's a strange theme for a middle school dance but my nephew said that everyone had a really good time.

Finally identified the source of the gnawing sadness that has dwelt within me for decades: We never got a Selena Christmas album

And I was all, "Hey man that chair is way too big for you. Ostentatious, even." And he was all, "I am a tiny baby made of gold."

Marvel should create a superhero that gets really strong whenever he smokes cigarettes and jacks off and he should kill Captain America with his jacking off hand.

The advent calendar that my family made for my upcoming colonoscopy is truly foul, but I can't say that I'm not excited to find out what's behind each "door" every morning.

Marvel should create a superhero that gets really strong whenever he smokes cigarettes and jacks off and he should kill Captain America with his jacking off hand.

So basically, it's like The Santa Clause meets It Follows where being Santa is an STD you get when you fu- (But then the men came and they killed him because his ideas were too dangerous)

Watching QVC and Emeril is selling this thing called Pasta And Beyond and all I can think about is a plate of spaghetti and the darkness on the other side of it and the voices whispering in that darkness and how if I go to that place beyond the pasta I may finally know peace.

I still think it's amazing that there is a movie where 5 whole minutes are devoted entirely to Mads Mikkelsen destroying Daniel Craig's balls. The zenith of the blockbuster. Downhill ever since.

All my memories suck. Probably should've made good ones. Oh well, better luck next time, I guess.

Toy Story but from the point of view of God who does not understand why this is happening for it is not part of his plan.

All the mice in the house have started dressing like Gerard Way in the Welcome To The Black Parade video so we're keeping an eye on that.

Probably the main reason I don't like hot dogs is when I was 12 I bit into one and a torrent of bloody glitter shot into my face and what had happened was a depressed pixie put on a hot dog suit to commit suicide by fat boy.

Toy Story but from the point of view of God who does not understand why this is happening for it is not part of his plan.

Watching QVC and Emeril is selling this thing called Pasta And Beyond and all I can think about is a plate of spaghetti and the darkness on the other side of it and the voices whispering in that darkness and how if I go to that place beyond the pasta I may finally know peace.

Anaconda tried to swallow me once but I was too fat so it couldn't and then it started to cry and everyone got really mad at me.

Neighbors said that kicking my ass is part of their religion, so I guess I have to respect it.

Anaconda tried to swallow me once but I was too fat so it couldn't and then it started to cry and everyone got really mad at me.

I swallowed a fistful of my blood pressure medication to see if I could not only slow down my blood but actually reverse it and it worked so well that I inverted my soul and now my flesh is contaminating the higher realms and everybody's pissed at me and it's just like, welcome to science, my man.

When it comes to the Alien-Human hybrid program, we don’t often talk of Celine Dion but I feel that we should.

So basically, it's like The Santa Clause meets It Follows where being Santa is an STD you get when you fu- (But then the men came and they killed him because his ideas were too dangerous)

I'm sorry but ostriches are absolute buffoons. Imperious desert clowns.

They better not make a law against eating your clones. They fucking better not.

Got into a jag of watching old Canadian commercials and there was one from the 80s for a Montreal Peeler (their term for strip club) that was very proud of their “Sex Aquarium” and I may be wrong about this but that sounds awful.

They better not make a law against eating your clones. They fucking better not.

It’s such a nice day out I think I’ll go and eat my lunch at the bus stop.

I sometimes don’t take my blood pressure medication so my super fast blood will clear my arteries of plaque buildup. It’s actually the perfect self-regulating system.

I sometimes don’t take my blood pressure medication so my super fast blood will clear my arteries of plaque buildup. It’s actually the perfect self-regulating system.

If the Predator's thing is to hunt and kill the deadliest creature on a planet, shouldn't they all just become doctors and wipe out viruses and bacteria?

E.T. The Extraterrestrial was an important movie because it taught us that ugly people need magic powers in order to be loved.

The shapes in the trees are threatening to eat the teeth right out of my head again. "We have many mouths, and they hunger for your maw stones. Open wide and become a gummy bitch." Tried cutting down the trees but the HOA has snipers everywhere. Shot my thumb off. This is what my fees are going to?

Guys, I don't want to alarm you but there are five Alien Grays dancing to a shoegaze version of Girls Just Want To Have Fun outside my bedroom window right now.

The shapes in the trees are threatening to eat the teeth right out of my head again. "We have many mouths, and they hunger for your maw stones. Open wide and become a gummy bitch." Tried cutting down the trees but the HOA has snipers everywhere. Shot my thumb off. This is what my fees are going to?

He rang the bell at midnight. His body was composed of 90s Anime and chorizo. He emptied a bag full of all the Halloween candy we'd given out onto the porch. "I am the granter of unspoken wishes," he said then imploded. We were too tired to take in the candy so now there's fucking ants everywhere.

Predator: Badlands is a fun jungle adventure/creature feature and Elle Fanning cements her status as an Always Happy To See Them performer.

Walking down my street when a mailbox swiveled on its post and bit me. Right on the ass. I turned to see a leaflet flick, tongue-like, in and out of the box's maw in a lascivious manner, its red flag upright and pulsing. Throbbing metal infrastructure. Other than that, it was a lovely Sunday.

Man, you better watch out. They got pervert guns around here. Greasy guns that shoot sweaty bullets specifically to stop perverts. The guns moan. All the guns moan.

Walking down my street when a mailbox swiveled on its post and bit me. Right on the ass. I turned to see a leaflet flick, tongue-like, in and out of the box's maw in a lascivious manner, its red flag upright and pulsing. Throbbing metal infrastructure. Other than that, it was a lovely Sunday.

Neighbor invented a Catholic robot. He sent the Vatican an e-mail about it. We're playing Street Fighter 2 on my old SNES waiting to hear back from the Pope. The robot is in the bathroom thinking about Hell and crying. Saturday Night with the boys.

Neighbor invented a Catholic robot. He sent the Vatican an e-mail about it. We're playing Street Fighter 2 on my old SNES waiting to hear back from the Pope. The robot is in the bathroom thinking about Hell and crying. Saturday Night with the boys.