My friends only have smart toilets at their house so I’m in pain because those robot fucks shall not taste of my piss.

Garfield sends Nermal to the Backrooms now. Family Circus is in the Backrooms now.

The amount of times my dad will, unprompted, say to me, "Don't ever let anyone tell you you're worthless," lets me know that the word on the street must be rough.

Donny is a crab with a small man for a face. Even though his face may seem to have a mind of its own and say things like, "My name is Michael, please help me. Everyday under the waves I drown and yet I live," these are not Donny's views and Donny would like to be treated like any other crab.

It's horse bite season so if you've been chomped by a majestic palomino or nipped by a virile Clydesdale, I've whipped up plenty of my Horse Bite Gel. If you've been bitten by a mule, however, do not contact me because all I can offer you are my prayers which you will not receive.

One year our local weatherman didn't let winter happen. It wasn't a crime. The police could do nothing.

Made some purchases and lifestyle changes that should ensure me being comfortably known as Turquoise Tony as early as October.

Cat peed on the mattress, so I sprayed some stain remover on it and accidently got some on my hand and my hand started to evaporate and God just appeared and was all, "Naw man, JK, JK, you're good, you're good," and then disappeared and my hand was fine.

And to think they called me a fool for investing all my money in diarrhea.

Had to kick someone out of our Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board league cuz they were using telekinesis instead of Satan. What is wrong with people?

It's horse bite season so if you've been chomped by a majestic palomino or nipped by a virile Clydesdale, I've whipped up plenty of my Horse Bite Gel. If you've been bitten by a mule, however, do not contact me because all I can offer you are my prayers which you will not receive.

Just your gut reaction don't even think about it: Does the Loch Ness Monster lay eggs or give birth to live young?

You: Baptize your ventriloquist dummy. Me: He wants to burn in Hell. Dummy: Save my soul. Me: Shut up, Dr. Honker.

Doctor Who FanVid set to Total Eclipse of the Heart and edited on dueling VCRs back in the 20th Century. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcqe...

I did have that on my bingo card. I have everything on my bingo card. I am cursed to carry eternity in my pocket split into infinities of B and I and N and G and O. I mean, I don't have to carry it in my pocket. Sometimes I use a bag. I could probably put it in my wallet but I don't want to fold it.

You: Baptize your ventriloquist dummy. Me: He wants to burn in Hell. Dummy: Save my soul. Me: Shut up, Dr. Honker.

Took a walk last night and ran into a 10-foot-tall flightless bipedal bat named Henry. He spoke with a Dutch accent. "Hey big fello, check you out! Finding yourself running with the Henrys of the night? Tell all the party people!" So that's what I'm doing. You're the party people, btw.

Cat peed on the mattress, so I sprayed some stain remover on it and accidently got some on my hand and my hand started to evaporate and God just appeared and was all, "Naw man, JK, JK, you're good, you're good," and then disappeared and my hand was fine.

I did have that on my bingo card. I have everything on my bingo card. I am cursed to carry eternity in my pocket split into infinities of B and I and N and G and O. I mean, I don't have to carry it in my pocket. Sometimes I use a bag. I could probably put it in my wallet but I don't want to fold it.

Just your gut reaction don't even think about it: Does the Loch Ness Monster lay eggs or give birth to live young?

Took a walk last night and ran into a 10-foot-tall flightless bipedal bat named Henry. He spoke with a Dutch accent. "Hey big fello, check you out! Finding yourself running with the Henrys of the night? Tell all the party people!" So that's what I'm doing. You're the party people, btw.

You: Soul Food restaurants in San Antonio do not have Morrissey lyrics in huge letters on their walls. Me:

My family's coat of arms is a losing scratch-off lottery ticket over a field of medical bills.

San Antonio is one of the test markets for Taco Bell's new EAT IT PIG! Sack Of Shit where for a fist of nickels you get a plastic bag filled with loose meat, lettuce, cheese sauce, white sauce, Powerade, and taco shell that you drink with a bubble tea straw. It's pretty good.

Tried to fake finding Noah's Ark in my backyard but I accidentally found Noah's Ark in my backyard. Way to go, dipshit.

My family's coat of arms is a losing scratch-off lottery ticket over a field of medical bills.

San Antonio is one of the test markets for Taco Bell's new EAT IT PIG! Sack Of Shit where for a fist of nickels you get a plastic bag filled with loose meat, lettuce, cheese sauce, white sauce, Powerade, and taco shell that you drink with a bubble tea straw. It's pretty good.

Catching up with a friend via e-mail and he was all, “I bought a house!” and I was all, “I got bit by a stray dog!” and it’s just like, where does the time go?

I fed my teeth to the stranger in the shadows and then the tooth fairy gutted him to get what's hers and now it's kicked off so much shit in the unseen realms I feel like I just shot Franz Ferdinand.

Heading into a cave to see if that rabies shot I got last year is still good.

I fed my teeth to the stranger in the shadows and then the tooth fairy gutted him to get what's hers and now it's kicked off so much shit in the unseen realms I feel like I just shot Franz Ferdinand.

I can’t wait for everyone to see the awesome work Marie has done on our upcoming Mothership project. Getting these new pages every week has been such a thrill!

Those crabs with pentagrams on their backs are falling out of the trees again so we're just being careful and doing what we can.

Gooning is a CIA psyop to force God to face his shame.

One time my little brother got to ride with the mail man in his mail truck in a parade in the small town where my mom’s from and I wasn’t jealous or anything but I think it was obvious to everyone who was there that day that I would have done a better job.

Photographic evidence that Alien Greys commune with the Devil.

At the grocery store. Saw that they had discounted the hot dog chili sauce to 79 cents a can. Hyperventilated. Passed out. Came to. Store manager asked if I was ok. Tears in my eyes, I kissed him on the mustache.

It took some scrimping and saving but By God we finally have an air fryer for every room in the house.

Happy 4th of July!!!!!!

The Toy Story toys can neither eat the flesh nor drink the blood of Christ. I'm sorry, but it's true.

Cousin said he got kink shamed by a clockwork man at a steam punk orgy.

Go out and find a jewel. A ruby, maybe. They're out there. In those hidden and empty places. Fashioned and cut millennia ago. A shared dream of Earth and Man. But get something to eat first. At Burger King, maybe. They're out there. In those hidden and empty places.

Had a dream I had to explain an Ewok to John Wayne. It was standing in front of us and John Wayne was scared. I tried to calm him, but my words weren't coming out right. Eventually, we both started crying and the Ewok just stared at us with its marble eyes.

Pretty sure that Robert Eggers next movie is going to be Lee Cronin's The Mummy.

A teeny-tiny man burrowed out of our wall. He was a dapper fellow dressed in tweed. He said his name was Barnabas Runcible and he was one of the Journey-Kin. The secret travelers.

This one kid I know fucked up at Oregon Trail so bad that his party ended up in space. They died. The vacuum killed them.

That radio station that only plays my most shameful conversations has started broadcasting again. Luckily most people don't listen to radio anymore but unfortunately it turns out that those who do are heavily armed and have called down a "Presbyterian Jihad" on my ass.

Had a dream I had to explain an Ewok to John Wayne. It was standing in front of us and John Wayne was scared. I tried to calm him, but my words weren't coming out right. Eventually, we both started crying and the Ewok just stared at us with its marble eyes.

That one house on the way to the corner store replaced the banner with Trump's head on Rambo's body over the garage with a sort of beach towel featuring the red and blue M&M's holding books in front of M&M university. Also, pizza at the store was so old they let me have it half off. Perfect Sunday.