he's such a dork i love him lol

HIM: tonight was so much fun bro. i haven't felt so alive in months. i hope we can do this again sometime ME: anytime my dude. and to be absolutely clear this is a nonsexual invitation to do whatever it is straight men do together HIM: bet ME: thanks bro i can't wait to journal extensively about it

not particularly religious but i do think kewpie mayonnaise is incontrovertible proof of a loving god

stinky guy sat next to me on the subway and i feel like the stench is lingering in my nostrils or on my clothes 💀 i have contacted a status ailment

feel good track of the moment

the dream of 2002 is alive in Sendai

always a little awkward when a spaceship is just flying around with its "green rocket" hanging out

ODYSSEUS, BRISTLING WITH RAGE: thou dare attempt to pork my wife? while i’m on my big trip?

i saw PI with a particularly unreceptive audience that erupted in applause when he finally trepanates himself

yeah ... lose the shorts!!!!

DJ Father back again with another I'm Not Mad I'm Just Disappointed type beat

inventing a new type of cell phone that boomers can leave even further away from themselves. it rings 4x louder than a jet engine

sorry i referred to your baby as "a type of yōkai"

reading this book to unlock a special finishing move, Deadly Homosexual Assault

look you're just wrong. cilantro is in no way "just homosexual parsley." that doesn't even begin to make sense.

got a spectacular lunch at the high class delicatessen for fussy monied types

y'all prefer your kimchi fresh and feisty or with that slightly aged fizzy tang

⁉

Please consult this diagram if you want to talk to me about anything

My computer has a modified port where you put in a sugar cube and then it says neigh

he binbows til my michael soft [INCREDIBLY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]

Full Contact also gives us an incredible reaction image.

Goofus is careless in his speech, while Gallant is respectful and minds his manners. Gristle is of a Time Before, when man was but another howling creature in the dark primeval jungle.

Gallant always brushes his teeth before bed. Goofus frequently forgets before he falls asleep. Gristle gnaws on the bones of beasts until his fangs are sharp as razors.

[INT. MIND PALACE] the word TURDS appears in front of me. i swat it away. it is quickly replaced by TURDS in a different font.

personal growth: i am eating all them little fish and shrimp heads

[inspecting my husband's turds with a jewellers loupe] omg this is our ANNIVERSARY CORN what the FUCK

buying the single roll of toilet paper, telling the cashier "i'm trying to quit"

sorry i can’t come in today the veil has been lifted

tucking all my limbs and rolling into a tight defensible ball whenever a date starts going poorly

rolling the SUV of my heart over 4 times as i plunge down the concrete embankment of your love

this song came out quite awhile ago but it still summarizes the American lived experience perfectly imo

trouching the vagina feet just to freel something

go on. give it a trouch

Manipulating the slimes and muds of the earth to birth a race of gibbering bugbears

i really needed to clean the apartment this weekend but i reinstalled Rimworld instead

everybody on bluesky too uptight to admit they want to be cherished by baggages

very confusing for Huntress Thompson to be a man

what's Garfield's brand? i'm saying Salems. definitely a menthol guy

we know who wins Kenny Blankenship's most painful elimination of the day

99.9% sure everyone in the beef bowl restaurant is on the other side of this morning... i am the only person in extra innings Friday still

werk was done

went to Shinjuku for the first time in a year for the all night Madonna rave

maintaining solid eye contact with my homie thru the entire 12 minute album version of Sheila E's A Love Bizarre

bro are you seriously plummeting over the escarpment right now???? i can't believe you would embarrass me at the escarpment like this

bro... you're so gravid with fragrant jelly right now...

receiving the purple heart for drinking with straight people