nicknamed my new boyfriend Celsius because his number is much smaller than i'm used to

chimpanzees CAN be trained to park a car

"i saw a bad post on x" ok well i saw a turd in the toilet but i'm not making you look at a screenshot of it

everybody says "i want that thick boy!!!"

scrapping my 3,000-word meditation on 1976's horror-psychedelia classic THE SEVEN SCIENCES OF DOCTOR DEITY after realizing it's not a real movie and just a fantasy that came to me in an extended reverie

banned from the classic rock forums after repeatedly referring to Procol Harum as Harold Precum

banned from movie chat after accidentally calling american tail 2 "fievel gets wet" but it was an honest mistake

the biggest spam musubi in the land is now MINE

having an excruciating lunch at Loaf + Widget, the new steampunk themed sandwich place downtown. my panini is so wet

extremely funny to be sitting on the train and try to look up at the next stop display only to accidentally lock eyes with the straphanger standing in front of you from what can only be described as "Blowjob Height"

Horsewine - the only wine for horses

Grandmother can only equip daggers or staves.

Declassified Documents Confirm: They Pissed on my Bones at the Poughkeepsie Funplex

getting a lot of compliments on my THEY PISSED ON MY BONES AT THE POUGHKEEPSIE FUNPLEX baby tee

mrw i see a big dog

MY KAHUNA GOT BIG AT POUGHKEEPSIE'S FAMOUS "FREAKY TIKI"

going absolutely feral on my Rotary Device

yeah that's the turdliest snack i have seen yet

tipping an additional $10.00 if the driver promises to open the box and, in a steven wright monotone, state "momma mia that's-a big-a sloppy pie"

IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE: 🟩 Brandy is Moesha 🟩 🟥Big Titty Frankenstein is Real🟥 🟨Cats Love to Nibble Sweet Oats 🟨 🟦Topo Chico is Spanish for Top From A Guy 🟦

"short Japanese guy with dreadlocks" is probably a phrase that inspires zero to even negative levels of horniness in the average human, and yet tonight i find myself the "Spiders Georg" of this particular phenomenon

recent world events and emotional happenings got me like this fr!!!!!!

thinking about doing everything in your power to leave America??? as someone who did just that last year, gotta say... pretty great overall

regrettably our rescheduled episode of Stinkus, The Little Bear Who Is Liquefying Before Our Unbelieving Eyes, has been canceled due to a majority of Stinkus going down the floor drain

ok i know i have a type but how do you look at this guy and not think "omg he's gorgeous"

plastic baby barreling out of king cake at 45 mph in a miniature jeep

CITIZEN'S ADVISORY: The Crap Factory is recalling BAG OF SCORCHED PLASTIC TRASH

i am glad attitudes are changing but when i was young most parents believed it wasn't worth the delay in weapon mastery to teach a child to dual wield from a young age

infancy, truly the unskippable opening cutscene to the great game of life

i had expected having a baby in the family would teach me greater patience and empathy for parents but having a Neutral Good child around has given me little experience or understanding for children of more challenging alignments

baseball ringer tee with CRINKLE CUT CIRCUMCISION in flowing script lettering

He’s still at it

tonight's episode of Stinkus, The Little Bear Who Is Liquefying Before Our Unbelieving Eyes, has been postponed for an urgent update on the national hooting crisis

we've all got that one homie who is becoming woozy and incoherent due to blood loss

famima late night snack taking the "don't be mid" challenge will it succeed?????

today my boss at my part time bar job called me for help with a customer who doesn't speak Japanese and i ended up drinking the night away with a moderately famous Dutch DJ

POV: My Dog Kevin and I Put a CyberCurse on You for Your Unneighborly Behavior at the Woofin' Wonderland Dog Park

standing outside your work at 9:58am just waiting for you to unlock the doors

unmoisturized, in my cage, shitting my little craps

[tossing the pigskin in a perfect beautiful spiral before turning to the camera and smiling] it's inside me

getting my shit sucked by the celestial dragon who lives behind the sun

bro seems a little... you know... "agentic"

i would never avoid your sauce babe

my nephew says that kids are getting into Schitter's Fart because TikTok influencer WizenedTrev used their song "A Penny in the Pucker" in a viral video

the squelching howl of the sirens every night as soon as the sun set, indicating that the Harrowing Hour had begun

EXPRESS myself??? what am i, a gland?!?

once again harnessing gay yearning to clean my house

How did you find this place, traveler? Very well, peruse our wares... Burlap Genital - 10 GP Silken Genital - 450 GP Prism Genital - 12,000 GP Copper Baps - 50 GP Dwarven Baps - 250 GP

everyone talks about how great Japanese convenience stores are but they never mention how you sometimes get tricked into buying a little container of raw cabbage