As a long time employee of the Catholic Church, I have been a long time employee of the Catholic Church.

Nice try again NYT, but no one actively involved in hoarding massive wealth will ever know a true happiness. Any happiness they think they perceive comes from a place of selfishness. Their actions revolve only around trying to find relief from the certainty of death. That’s what I think.

“Linen blend” is when you want a shirt from Target that you will sweat as much in as any other synthetic shirt but it will also look extra wrinkly

In my day, content was just the way you felt when you were doing meth out of a mountain dew bottle

Seeing a post about healthcare price transparency on a beautiful day like today…. I don’t think so… not today boys..

I’m outgoing, fun loving, ambitious and chronic constipation

Weather is too beautiful this weekend, I’m afraid of her

My son was so good at my gathering. I raised him perfectly

WP A1 Headline tomorrow: LOCAL WOMAN APPALLS GUESTS OF SMALL GATHERING BY LIVING IN FILTH: “She didn’t deep clean the stove top OR the oven,” One guest revealed. “It’s like she didn’t even try.” A2: America nukes Iran

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch I’m a bitch and I’m a bitch Yes I am a total bitch

The worst woman you know: “NOW do you know any single guys to set me up with?”

Read each box to induce a stroke

Shouldn’t get a pardon

There are thousands of types of women and maybe 5 types of guys.

On the bright side, promising mass pardons mean he is planning on leaving the office

Get her ass

[Justin Timberlake voice] Gonna wash my body I dug in clay

One time I went to a friends house and fell into a deep coma after viewing a light fixture with dust on it

My child would have a cluster b personality disorder but in a funny way

The instagram algorithm heard I was thinking about getting pregnant at 40 as a fun bit

By switching between 4 tabs I can see the posts of my most of my mutuals.

I went to Costco executive hour and everyone knew you. Do you own a restaurant or something

Today I overheard the couple behind us fighting in Spanish and I spent at least 5 minutes standing there trying to pull up “mierda” in the old noggin

Real ones know they used to call Saddam Hussein “So Damn Insane”

When someone asks about my sexuality? That’s between me and my dog.

[Executive whose base salary would make me cry] Yeah! Yardwork this time of year! I hate raking up after the staff leaves. Don’t want my horses to get sick! Anyway Jim I don’t have any idea what these numbers mean probably because I’m soooo stupid. You guys remind me I’m a dummy! Explain?

Some friends are coming over to beat me about the face when they see too many mismatched shades of wood in my living area furniture

I would wear anything for work But I won’t wear blouse

It is good there are dog friendly places for friendly dogs and people who need to socialize young dogs. Outside of that most dogs don’t love big crowds and would rather lick ass on the couch. Owners should be thoughtful and honor their dog’s personality. And I get it! My dog’s personality sucks

FB marketplace Capitol Hill, DC: RH leather couch originally $12k, toddlers shit inside the cushions and 4 cats used it as a scratching post. $4k FB marketplace 10min north of the last WMATA stop in MD: Italian import leather couch purchased last week hasn’t been touched, doesn’t fit our decor. $25

Aubrey Plaza stole my bit right out from underneath me

I would definitely limit medications I took during pregnancy to only ones that have good vibes. Klonopin, trazodone, Ativan and the like

Mother’s Day around the corner. Remember you’re still allowed to a celebrate even if: Your mom is a bitch You are a bitch to your kids You never learned the word Mother You have anxiety around flowers that have a lot of children Your kids are apparitions

What it do be feeling like to think about some of these guys dying

Right now any personal wins of friends or acquaintances is like a drug to me. Tell me you have a promising date, job interview, event, whatever, I’ll ride that high all day. Even if you’re just wearing clothes I think you look good in, I’ll take it

After planting a few Perennials for Beginner Dummies in the yard I see now the joy in tending to them. I saw a bumble bee with the fattest ass, too.

In the 1940s a pack of wild coyotes killed and ate my great uncle’s prize winning 4H hog. So my great grandpa stuffed ground beef with big shards of glass and put it inside the pig carcass the next night

The remaining blue checks are feeling moved to make statements, sir. Sir you don’t understand,

[2046, woman showing up to therapy for the first time] And then my mom’s roommate stole my squishy glitter dumpling for herself

I should get pregnant right now low key

Whoever is the most worried wins

Finally sitting down and relaxing after a long day to see what the drama is now in the plus size Disney space

DIVA

Bring Your Bass Clarinet To Work Day

I didn’t know woah vicky was a real person until the last 2 weeks or so

1. this website sucks 2. landlord said I could do anything with the yard so I’m fighting bamboo 3. hardware store guy said I need to go to virginia to buy 41% glyphosate and paint it on the stumps 4. I thought titus liked to smell for other critters in this structure. no he likes to shit in here

And you and you and you you’re gonna love pee

Trump finally did it this time! Our chants for The Great Clock rise 5 more dB

Making a garden from searching “zone 7 flowering perennials for lazy dumb bitches”

It’s been one week since you took a pee