He is skeptical of the top blanky

World show me colors and lights

My dad doesn’t trust airlines or airports and is convinced my brother’s Thanksgiving flight to see me will leave him “stranded several days or more”, like his layover is on a deserted island

Probably because it's too good

The dog that hasn’t barked

jeevacation

Nothing on Earth more torturous than the corporate hiring process

I can’t be my authentic self around you due to the disinterest you have in the minutiae of my sex life

Sending the pope an email

Am I a killjoy for thinking this is extremely goofy and insensitive???

A Republican senator saying something intensely wrong about how insurance works even though I know he absolutely knows how insurance works will bait me every time. You fuck

It’s Mad Monday. Feel free to be a little mad 🤪

Getting a photorealistic dog tattoo that covers my entire back

Finally ended up in a fight with her about this because I was so annoyed. I haven’t fought with a friend in years!!!!!

FSAs can’t go towards premiums so I am not sure how this works and it definitely doesn’t incentivize healthy people to go ahead and pay exorbitant premiums

If you graduated undergraduate after 2020 I am your mother

I already want a nicer bass clarinet. I fucked up

Oh man I just remembered this. God dammit

I would die for the Benadryl carrot

The hybrid robot mop/vacuums don’t even work well I can’t imagine this thing is useful for anything other than some light intimacy

Fantasizing about about JD getting smacked in a fair and free general election

Starbucks must hate their workers so much

The guy that fell at the WH actually being a glp1 patient who was invited by Lilly is funnier

Dr. Oz said the #1 highest healthcare cost is loneliness which is why your ai companion is going to help you avoid getting vaccines

We have invited this panel of 4 maybe important lobbyists to throw around some acronyms that you should know but you only have a vague hunch about due to context clues.

My son is home waiting for me to return from the mines

No one wants a Tesla anymore how is Elon going to hit a bunch of insane sales metrics

Healthcare is so fucked we’re so fucked

I love ruining the workplace

Soon we’ll all have an ai companion in our pocket that we talk to every day and it will tell you “your doctor told me it’s time for hospice”

Love what you’ve been doing with air traffic lately

The DC striver is truly unique and it sticks out at a table of people who weren’t taught to cram in all that information about their accomplishments while speaking

This is just like when Tulsa, Oklahoma elected Mayor Monroe Nichols

Pulled the suitcase out into the hall

Did the classic thing of riling myself up about a scenario that isn’t going to happen

I’m going to a conference this week where the first speaker is a big Part of It All and the rest of the conference topics after that are how to try and adapt to the poor decisions made by the people who are a Part of It All.

I had Dick Cheney at 103 I am shocked to learn he was 84

yeah that’s right you guys don’t deserve a clear photo

Begging him to please do Freaky Friday with me just during this week

Last night I had my tarot read like oh haha silly fun. Well guess what.

The brutal algorithm turns again

Night 2 as Ms Rachel I’m going to need more people to get to it with celebrating and acknowledging me

Yes I have a work event coming up do you have anything that scratches like shit under an ill fitted suit coat

I hate traffic signals what do you mean I can’t go on red

We had some kids come to the door and one goes “she’s doing Dora”

Love an opulent bathroom because no matter how you slice it you have to have a shitter in that thing

As I gain popularity in the region I am being invited to events

Marshmallow scents bad

🫵 little baby cuddling with his piggy toy