The masses have been opiated

Yes, everything’s terrible, but still be kind

haven’t felt this disconnected to society since I was 3 1/2

my basement tapes are just the sounds I make eating burritos

Bewitched is on Hulu see you guys next year

You’re more likely to be killed by a goat than to die in a plane crash. Those odds increase for lonely men in West Virginia.

Weaponized timezones

I prefer to teach using the sarcastic method.

Let me be your emotional support roller coaster.

"Show me you love me" I whispered breathlessly and when he straight up baked me into a pan of scalloped potatoes I knew he was the one.

everything is alive and bouncing like in steamboat willy

I hate when people get a little bit popular and it changes their entire personality. My personality changes are solely the result of mental illness.

priceless, not to be confused with $0

I prefer to buttdial using a rotary phone.

I can see by the way you parked your giant truck you've never pleasured a partner in your life.

I'm not leaving my house without Hulk Hands ever again.

When my son asks about us paying his college tuition, I'll take him outside and show him our new roof.

If you ever feel isolated while driving in the dead of night, just turn on your high beams. Another car will be there in a fricking jiffy.

“Hand me the dildo,” I say to my assistant, as I enter the coliseum.

I don’t flirt, I just say stupid shit until someone gets a boner about it

Still a badass, I think, as I wear my Walmart clothes to Costco

My friend's incredulity that I'm not on antidepressants was both insulting and kind of flattering ??

Step one in my step exercise plan is the whole first session, I think that’s taking it too slow

I’ve never unpacked a suitcase, a conversation, or a childhood trauma

Lolol why am I even like this??

I'm coming to you live from tomorrow, and I'm sorry to say it's not any better.

And over here is the shelf where i keep my collection of Should'ves

Today would be a good day for something fun to happen.

They should make a chunky Pepto Bismol for psychopaths.

"Maybe a little jail time will straighten you out," I grumble as I strap on a knee brace.

slowly replacing all of my feelings with tattoos

i wish my parents had given me a trust fund to go with all the trauma they gave me

you guys don’t need to worry about overthinking today i’m going to do enough for all of us

It went all to hell when humans started using words instead of grunts

I never understood alchemy until my best friend’s mom fried some baloney in 1976 and it tasted exactly like a hot dog

Maybe there are some things to copy from Brazil besides just certain grooming practices.

Draw me like one of your baths.

Leaving the house doesn’t really go with my outfit

are we done yet? did we get it out of our system? can we go back to talking about me now?

“Not to toot my own horn” is a weird saying. Who else’s horn am I supposed to toot

You remain the only one who knows .. how much I hate to love you,darling #brokenpoet

don't linger long it's almost apple season and a smell of heartache will stick to a man's skin so go grab a beer and tell her she's pretty #brokenpoet

RIGHT NOW ON FOX NEWS: OUR PANEL DISCUSSES WHICH MINORITY GROUP THEY WISH THE SHOOTER WOULD HAVE BEEN A PART OF

It's with a heavy sigh that I follow you back.

"That's too much garlic" is a thought that's never entered my mind

I’m so high that I’m at least five of the seven dwarves rn.

slept 11 hours today. 13 hours short of my daily target

Who...don't care. Where...doesn't matter. When...not going.

i threw a flaming jack-o-lantern head at you on a bridge pls respond

what we really need to ban is finger guns im sick of everyone looking so cool all the time