if you build a house around a vampire you have to invite them to leave

Shouldn’t it be “even though we ain’t got money, YOU’RE still in love with ME, honey?” you self-absorbed prick

hey so did you know that there is no need for everything to be this fucking stupid

Men leave a trail of urine so we can find our way back to the toilet.

Today is the last day of Pride. Tomorrow we’re back to Shame

This military parade could’ve been a Signal chat

For my gardeners - Is this sugar pie pumpkin plant ready to put in the ground?

ennui and cattywampus are branches on the same tree, and you know what they're doing

I’m not upset, I’m just taking a little break on the floor

It’s not kinky until a netti pot’s involved

I lick my fingers to open the plastic produce bags but I always put back the ones I don’t use

Imagine how frustrated the Joker would be trying to cause chaos the way things are now. Get in line, clown

Give me any type of chair and I will find a way to tan my front and back evenly

Sorry I’m late, my shirt had horizontal button holes instead of vertical

The worst thing is any mistakes I’ve made in the past seven years have been made completely sober so I have no one to blame but myself 🥲

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

Probably my favourite thing about aging is getting to address younger people by their haircut. Just got to call a long-haired boy Kurt Cobain't. Gonna be riding that high all the way to my early-bird special.

cum is for sexting, jizz is for jokes, ejaculate is for science papers, sperm is for drunk whale-naming

so what’s the endgame here? do we just keep writing these things until someone forcibly institutionalizes us?

The feminine urge to take notes during this true crime marathon

Why do they say your foot is falling asleep when coma toes is sitting right there?

I fear Rick Astley has finally abandoned us.

Stay cheerful no matter how objectively awful everything is; it helps me know to avoid you

It’s a red flag to be a guy

[posting back to back] This feels like the summer of 2024

Your body, my wood chipper.

My gut microbiome is 60% Cheeto dust, 30% everything bagel seasoning, and 10% pure spite.

You’ve stapled your last singers

Me: I can do all things through Jesus Jesus, putting on goalie gloves: we'll see about that

I want her ponytail tied so high she looks like a knight on a chessboard

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

I’m unstoppable in small increments

the worst part of turning 50 is realizing you'll probably never learn to rollerskate backwards now

[doing the bare minimum] how dare you expect more from me

On an average night I consume six spiders - On purpose, lol? No, on crackers

The first guy who put his napkin in his lap was just hiding a boner.

They do shark week, they should also do jet week.

Like a surgeon massaging a heart in an emergency, I squeeze the box wine bag to get the last glass of rosé for breakfast. Look, I did what I had to.

my body is failing on me. i blame myself.

i don't need tattoos. my collection of psych ward grippy socks should tell you everything you need to know about me.

The older I get, the more my hobbies revolve around sitting correctly.

Being underestimated is fun because people really think I won’t dedicate three weeks to proving a point.

Had some corndogs for dinner tonight, idk maybe everything’s gonna be alright.

Slow children playing grow into slow men working

when I was a plumber you never saw my crack because I always wore a womens one piece bathing suit

It’s cute you think the disco is the only place I panic

[explaining to my date the first time I take my shirt off in front of her] Yeah there's no rear deltoid on this body, that's not the kind that I got

“I’d give you the shirt off my back…” “Unless you have tits, no thanks”

Sooo relaxing when you recline your airplane seat back that whole 3/4 of an inch.