my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

Yes, the crows ARE laughing at you

After three months of throwing pumpkin seeds and putting out shiny bits, I give up; I’m too dumb for the crows to befriend

an accent could be a cheese curd

in the absence of electricity, water, and internet, we became very interested in birds

Trying to determine if my system will tolerate a 3rd nap today

The hardest part about making Tot Casserole is not eating all the tots during preparation. We build to this, you see

(maintaining eye contact while scraping the brussels sprouts you made me into the compost)

If you’re feeling extra lonely this weekend, turn off that pop-up blocker, playboy

So…Germany didn’t liberate itself…you know? …you know, rest of the world? You know?

*Groundhog Day pitch meeting* You know how some rodents are clairvoyant?

I asked the Duolingo owl to teach me the language of love and he called me a slur

I fell asleep while a Jellyroll song was on and now all of my neighbors’ catalytic converters are missing

Pizzagate deserved to be the name of something way more funny

I’m a real slut for Bible trivia

I know I’m getting old because only 2 Internet men asked to see my boobs this week.

My god there are some dumbass people in this country. Like, intentionally fucking stupid. And they’re loud in proportion to their stupid. Is it a brain chemistry thing? I swear to god it is. Anyhoo here’s Wonderwall

A guy at work was telling us all a story about his hot water heater. I chimed in that it’s actually called a water heater and that hot water wouldn’t need to be heated. No one ever sits with me at lunch.

*presses lips against mic* I wished I sanitized this first

At my age it's really hard to explain things to a doctor who has never done drugs

*looking over at Netflix during sex* hey Netflix, are you still watching?

woke up on the wrong side of the universe

When smart people like my posts I feel like I snuck past the bouncer.

My cat watched me drip dry after I forgot to replace the toilet paper and I swear he said, “human, this is why we judge you.”

The company I work for blocked ChatGPT and watching people think in real time is genuinely frightening.

I didn't realize this antidepressant has a side effect of a positive outlook. Gross!

I'd rather be talking about the mysteries of the universe than thinking about the stupidity of this world.

*flicking a lit cigarette* im not like other Muppet babies

a praying mantis is praying for YOUR DEMISE

“watching that Dahmer doc didn’t affect me” I mutter as I feed the goldfish goldfish crackers

Edible panties made of interwoven Twizzlers and honestly I don’t even care about the sex part of the night anymore.

Got out of bed for six hours and now my back hurts, thanks world.

We need a whole bunch of old people to get the fuck out of the way. You don’t have to die, just get out of the way. Leave your job, downsize your ridiculous home, enjoy your retirement, help the kids, and give young people a chance. I mean, Jesus Christ. You don’t have to keep validating yourselves.

My uncle made all his money in aluminum siding but he died trapped against a house

So your product has 0% sugar? Well I’d like to see the list of all your 0% ingredients, thank you very much.

In preparation for a major storm with bitter temps and a foot of snow, I went out and got two bags of ice in case the fridge stopped working. This is how dumb I am.

43rd bday party coming in hot. Pull up for the tomato soup fountain

I feel like the value in being named Greg is slipping

If babies are so cool how does a 2 foot gate shut down their whole operation? Checkmate, idiots.

Telling the grieving widow of an asshole “Thank you for your loss”

God dammit! I’m voting as hard as I can!

Is that one bitch from Twitter on here?

Your party sounds really fun, but so does going to sleep.

Employment is just a social experiment to see how much nonsense a person can absorb politely.

The easiest way to spot a psychopath is when they set an alarm for no reason.

I sleep with the fan on full blast so my intrusive thoughts get blown right out of the room.

Spending the next year commenting, "who's watching this in 2026" on every YouTube video.

I feel like I really made the grade (slightly above average) and now the papers want to know whose shirts I wear (Costco). - Me as Major Tom

We were so focused on 1984 that we forgot about Animal Farm

My cat: hey man I'm no narc but someone dropped my toy mouse in the toilet again