Turned over a new leaf and found an angry scorpion

The circle filling in while I waited for your nudes to download was like a little strip tease

Woke up at 5 to get an early start on being tired

I'm wearing a new perfume today, so I am unstoppable. *walks into a stop sign*

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

The native Americans had never seen a European belt before but they still laughed at the pilgrims for buckling their hats.

Anything can be a pet. A squirrel, a dung beetle, moss. The key is, they can't get away.

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

I'm clapping and yelling "nice fill, woo!" to everyone in line ahead of me at the pharmacy

“she usually blows and I clean up” lands differently when talking about fall leaf management versus a cuck video

instead of stars the american flag should have fifty little gravy boats

People continue to quote the entire headline when linking a news article

The meek no longer want the earth thanks.

In 7 weeks you'll hopefully be hitting the sack.

Gotta hit the sack, tomorrow morning I start my “7 weeks to self fellating” yoga class

I smell like onions today, this bodes well

Please fax me all your Rolodex cards, I want to make new friends and share an investment opportunity

It’s almost like my balls aren’t part of my body

[friend] omg youve lost so much weight whats your secret [me] haha thank you groceries cost twice as much now

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

“I’m in the zone” * laying down in the truck stop entrance

A rushed and poorly done needlepoint saying “a stitch in time saves nine” hanging in my surgeon’s office

It is perfect alien abduction weather tonight. (fingers crossed)

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

Imagine just throwing your trash on the ground, like, "I am done with this. It is not my problem." Then someone else walks up, they're done too, and they're like, "What do I do with this? Oh I see! I will just let go. I will just open my hand and forget I ever had this." Quit littering hearts

Pretty crazy how time isn’t real but still manages to drag its ass like that all the time.

Help, the humans gave me a headache.

looks like my decades of weed, kidnapping and killing haven’t ruined my chances for high public office after all

Entropy and decay stalk us. Relentless, inevitable. All that we love will become as dust in the wind. Scooting over to Wendy’s to get a Triple Baconator meal and a diet Coke

Should have never quit my job as a fence post in Nebraska

do you wanna come over so our reply guys can have a playdate?

I like to imagine all of us, at the same moments, cackling with joy throughout the day and into the night

*gestures for waiter to keep grating wolfsbane straight into my mouth*

Hey, can I talk to your dog for a minute?

I think I might finally have enough brain damage to be successful in politics.

Sometimes I ask myself, “What would Gary Busey do?” and I think I know how I fucked my life up so badly.

A weighted blanket, but it’s just someone dropping a grand piano on me.

The plural of shenanigan should be shenanigi

First person to come up with an Eat the Rich cookbook with recipes that make them palatable is gonna make a mint.

You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.

I guess I'm actually a night person...when it starts at 5pm.

I’m sick, so I’ll probably do a sexy video of me rubbing Vicks Vaporub on my chest later

If you are attacked by a bear you should have left that bear alone. I can't help you now.

The Billy Jack movies combine my favorite thing, Kung Fu, with my least favorite thing, Hippies. I'm really torn.

My mom left me her nipple tassels to pass on to my fiancé, Frida Lay

I’ll put sunblock on every one of you, I swear to fucking god

If you’re gonna have Peyronie’s disease, make it an extra bad case, for her pleasure

Small dick complacency

You’ll have to pry October from my cold, dead, pumpkin-spice-scented hands.