The elves on my shelf are only for target practice

You saw 3 ships come sailing in? Cool. I saw 2 snowplows drag racing.

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Fun game: Text your mom Christmas afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen ham?"

I know you guys are all watching sports, but I don’t like sports so it’s important that you pay attention to me instead

You’re in his DMs. I’m scribbling his name in crayon on a white padded wall.

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

but that’s my emotional support misinformation

I just need your sizes

you can't scare me. you're not me having to open my gift in front of people.

Kiss me with my mouth full of rice or find someone else

Out with the old and in with the new, but it’s just my digestive system.

Most cryptic line in Christmas carols: “If the Fates allow”

Happy December 237th! Or, if you're still using the Octoberian calendar, Happy October 31,537th.

Him: You have the most beautiful eyes! Me: Thank you, I use them for crying.

25,000 horses are slaughtered every year to make Arby's horsey sauce. That's one horse per quart.

I'm so embarrassed when I fall asleep at the dinner table or in front of a speeding train.

On this day, Brahmagupta invented the number zero and got nothing for it.

Please feed me to a carnivorous plant.

standing under some parsley and hoping a lasagna will kiss me

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

At this point, I feel like I’m at least half shortbread cookie…but I’m no quitter.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

oh yeah, well i won a game of musical chairs the day the music died

I like to bury my posts in the reposts of others. Like a burrito. Well, maybe more like a lasagna since it’s just layered in one direction on the timeline. I guess they are theoretically available sideways if you have my old posts link. But functionally very similar to a burrito, or even ravioli.

Like, they gave it away the VERY next day? Didn’t even make it a week? I mean that does suck, George, you’d think anyone would give it a few days, at least.

So many people are wandering around today in pajamas or sweats. Did I miss a memo?

[Groping you] Yeah I’m ovulating how did you know?

“Girl dinner,” I whisper to my panettone

dr oz is the same guy as the wizard right?

a dictionary is just a list of all my known sex moves

I miss those halcyon days when politicians went about their greed and grift quietly and without fanfare

When I delete my unloved posts, I curse you for not liking them enough

I miss the bots that made me think I was more popular than I am

I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

Feeling festive so I adorned my oven with garland before I stick my head in it.

Now officially being irresponsible until next year.

You want to get more steps in? Cool, drop me off here.

Much like humans, adult carrots taste better than baby carrots

I have a sixth sense for when a dentist has also been a dj

My ducks aren’t in a row but a pattern from the ancient times used to summon an unimaginable evil

i'm great at distracting people from obsessing about their problems by giving them new obscure things to worry about instead, and if you don't like that idea I also offer doing exactly that but 10x faster

My grandfather fought in WWII and never talked about it. I brag about going down wooden stairs in socks.

brings a cat to a dogfight

My biggest mistake Christmas baking is trying to use JUST enough cling wrap

Your gift list is incompatible with my wrapping technique. Please resubmit items with regular shapes only.

Never fight a man with a cowlick

Doc: you need to lose some weight Me: that’s hard for me, any other ideas? Doc: how about the two wolves inside you need to shed a few pounds