Reading the news used to be depressing, now it's deeply unsettling. Reality is crumbling and we're here scrolling through the shards.

Living through these times is hard. I never know whether to lose my entire shit, or save a little shit for losing later when things get worse.

The strategy of "waiting until all the irreversible damage has been done" does not seem optimal, but I am not a professional politician, so I assume they know what they are doing.

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

ME 10 YEARS AGO: [relaxed] I'm not worrying about too many things. ME NOW: [panicked] I'm "not worrying" about too many things!

REPORTER: But the wreckage of the drones that struck California say "FBI" on them PRESS SECRETARY: Yeah that stands for Flown By Iran

FBI SPOKESPERSON: Iran is plotting a drone attack on the US. Now don't be fooled, the drones may say "Property of FBI" on them. And they might even launch from the back of my Suburban. That's just how devious and untrustworthy Iran is.

im just really fucking sick of spending my entire adult life lurching from one worldwide economic disaster to another all because people pretend republicans arent dumb as dog shit morons completely detached from reality

🦅 EPISODE 172 - TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE 🦅 I promise we didn’t plan this. But this week we’re going back to dissect the Iraq War-era satire from the South Park creators. It’s TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE time.

US NAVY: The Strait of Hormuz is NOT yours, and we'll sail through here whenever we damn well- *huge explosion* IRAN: I said it's MINED

this war is so bad even neocon hawks are like nah I'm not into this, this isn't one of the good wars

With everything going on right now, I can't believe Joe Biden picked this week to raise gas prices.

When something you can't even see (the air) is trying desperately to draw attention to itself (high winds), that's when you know mother nature has been truly corrupted (by influencer culture).

It's basic math folks. If gas becomes 40% more expensive, smart Americans should simply drive 60% of the way to work before turning around.

When somebody asks how old I am, I tell them I won my first discman in a Counter-Strike tournament at an Internet cafe

Well of course they deserved to die. What kind of person would allow our missiles to fly straight into their homes, schools, and hospitals?

Well well well, if it isn’t the people who suck doing some more shit that sucks

We call it a war of choice, as if Trump applied logic and discernment. More like a war of durrrrghh

Me to Paul Newman’s family at the funeral: may his memory be a dressing

me: *not doing crimes* my government: *doing a ton of crimes* me: (simple hand gesture) should i possibly be doing at least a small number of crimes?? ?

Even after all the other signs of American collapse I didn't expect to hear "the US military decimated itself over a long weekend"

New Mr Beast contest: one lucky winner gets safely evacuated from Iran while the other contestants look on in horror as they are left behind

"Israel simply decided to strike and there was no way the US could deter them." Cool it's nice to know there's no stopping this nuclear-armed ally who's currently suffering mounting casualties and has a well-known taste for brutal and wildly disproportionate revenge.

Is it armageddon? Yeah armageddon sick of your religious bullshit tryna get us all killed.

THERAPIST: and this one? ME: that looks like you kissing my mum. THERAPIST: what about this one? ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these? THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.

“If you do that they’ll leave the country” yes it’s called “fleeing” and run piggies run.

fuck i mixed up pavlov with schrödinger and now every time i ring a bell a cat might die

TRUMP: *laying American flag over a soldier’s coffin* And if you think this is a nice drape…

You only get one waste. Don’t life it.

🚑 EPISODE 171 - AMBULANCE 🚑 Join us for a scenic tour of Los Angeles from the back of the titular vehicle as we cover Michael Bay’s 2022 bomb AMBULANCE

I was terrified of apes for YEARS after my dad took me to see this movie (he was mauled to death by a gibbon in the AMC parking lot)

🤖EPISODE 170 - SHORT CIRCUIT 2 🤖 We’re going all the way back 1988 for one of the original cute movie robots. It’s SHORT CIRCUIT 2

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

Oops! All Field Goals

I believe that comparison is the thief of joy. At least as much as the next guy.

Maybe we need to enunciate better

HIM: Wanna see the new Jason Statham movie, Shelter? ME: You mean Shelter Man? He plays a guy who builds shelters? HIM: No ME: Must be The Shelter Cleaner, a humble custodian by day.. HIM: The title is just Shelter ME: Ah yes "shelter", one who is an expert at shelting

🧬 EPISODE 169 - ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER 🧬 We’re wrapping up our 2025 retrospective with the likely front runner for best picture: Paul Thomas Anderson’s ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER

🚀EPISODE 168 - MICKEY 17🚀 We continue our look back at 2025 with an episode about Bong Joon Ho’s return to the big screen, it’s MICKEY 17

Marty Supreme? More like… more like One Paddle After Another

⚡️EPISODE 167 - THUNDERBOLTS* ⚡️ Antiheroes. Action. Asterisks. What more do you need? About another $100,000,000 in box office receipts to start. This week we’re covering 2025’s THUNDERBOLTS*

"It wasn't murder, and if you say it was murder we will kill you, which again will not be murder."

Every movie’s success should be measured in relation to The Accountant 2

You gotta understand. The ICE agent was genuinely scared. He felt threatened, disrespected, diminished. He was unsure, unsteady, unhinged. He was all fucked up, pissed off, shitting bricks. He was authentically callous, honestly vindictive, truly enraged. You gotta understand.

we're gonna need to borrow the gadsden flag until the treading stops kthx

Fascism means never having to say you're sorry

Anyone who isn’t furious is not to be trusted

😷 EPISODE 166 - EDDINGTON 😷 We’re back from the holiday break with our first Ari Aster movie, it’s 2025’s EDDINGTON

I was confused as to why Trump thinks annexing Greenland is a national security priority. Thankfully the admin sent a spokesperson to give us this cogent and detailed explanation: