[family dinner] ME: *gets up in my teenager’s face* this ham is lowkey 6 7 goated

[kicking in door of a sports bar, looking gay as hell] you boys ever heard of hockey???

me: how do you stay looking so young? dorian gray: *shifts uncomfortably* essential oils

MOM: wanna see me do a handstand ME: no WOW: too late

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

Me: *makes a single small purchase from a brand* Brand: We are now betrothed

as the prophecy foretold

The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things

Bluesky void inhabitant logging on

[enjoying a pleasant summer’s eve on the porch] ME: this douche is delicious

Modern child: NO I wanted the other iPad Victorian child; thank you for the orange

ME: what’s for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

You can pretend to have your shit together if you want. They don’t really check

Are you ok babe you’ve hardly touched your Santa meat

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

me: i heard you do a terrible owl impression him: where me: holy shit that is bad

Everyone who judges my minotaur transformation should be forced to walk a mile in my hooves

[🎶Frosty the Snowman🎶] Cthulhu the Old One Is a cosmic entity While he hibernates Cthulhu dreams and waits Causing our anxiety

exclamation point! at the wrong part of the sentence

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

The priest at my snake church said science is a myth

If I don’t cry in the waiting room today my therapist promised to do a face reveal

I will continue to mention and congratulate my friends on their baby's length long after it is born

Hello and also WTF

Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit

you’ve heard of posting good, now get ready for posting real fuckin bad

Sorry for the mean things I said when my phone updated

HULK HOGAN THE POOH: oh brother

[folds menu gently and hands to server] please may I have the applebee

My kid’s gonna teach me how to do Microsoft Excel so I can finally figure out who’s zoomin’ who

ME: oh cool I love deep purple BULLY [twisting my nipples even harder]: how does this not hurt

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

Amazon’s sure got their finger on the holiday pulse

ME: I’m not really into horror scenes or melodramatic roles, I can’t cry on command and I definitely won’t do nudity KFC RECRUITER: ok

if i knew how to do Spock's neck pinch i would likely only ever use it on myself

we are all beings of pure light just some of us that light is boring and sucks a little

Pouring one out for the homies (dropping an excedrin under the fridge)

[shopping for Christmas decorations] you have any of that long glitter

ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad the boys are back in town

Guy in the oil change place waiting room has had his phone to his ear for over 20 minutes but hasn’t said a word like he dialed oneof those 1-900 numbers that plays recorded Christmas stories

Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today

“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”

DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts ME: *punches him in the face and stomach* DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

it’s winter, be mysterious grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them