This is the finest spam text I’ve ever received

Perhaps today will be Good™️ instead of the usual Very Bad™️

your honor, what's the wifi

Remember due process?

[inventing the vest] do you fuckin love cold arms

i want to be buried with a dye pack. just in case of grave robbers

my girlfriend and i love to play hide and seek. she’s been hiding for 10,922 days straight. she’s so silly

Mirrors on the ceiling The pink champagne on ice, she said this will make it way more fun to check ourselves for lice

to shitpost, perchance to dream

Interviewer: great resumé apart from the typo. It says you have exceptional people skulls lol Me: *holding up two skulls by the eye sockets* meet Richard & Clive

Sorry I did bird calls when it was my turn to speak at your intervention

Don’t take my friend’s board game collection, they’re all he Hasbro.

Sent a pigeon through the tube at the bank. Boy were they surprised

Mia bella

When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That’s a lawsuit

Did anyone really believe he’d stop with couches

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

a professor who eats other professors and his name is Hannibal Lecture

Imagine adding “ruined America“ to your résumé

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

ME: honey why is there a scarecrow in our living room WIFE: that’s my mother ME: honey why is your mother in our living room

Really, Google Gemini can do everything? Then let's see it fuck off

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker] Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

my nephew calls any noodle-based dish that's in soup/broth "juicy noodles" and you know what he's right

[after getting fired] WIFE: but when I called today you said you were hard at work ME: yes

If the avocados misbehave I set them down next to the guacamole as a warning

if you ever need inspiration, always remember that someone once looked at a potato and wondered how it could get them wasted af

[screaming at the lost and found] HAS ANYONE SEEN MY FUCKING COMPOSURE

Paramedic: keep applying pressure Parenting Coach: but also say how proud you are

Fresh batch of funny homies to follow

Schools: don't use AI Jobs: use chatgpt or we'll kill your dog *cocks gun*

Hear me out - Garbage Pail Kids: Presidential Cabinet Edition

Australian conspiracy theorists go up the rabbit hole.

Why stop at wiffle balls? How about wiffle wangs and wiffle butts

*pronounces nature like mature

THERAPIST: You need to stop being so dismissive. ME: That's stupid.

[arrives at hospital] yes I’d like to undo drugs

I love a thrill... like when you hold down backspace and it starts erasing like 10x faster fuck

Bajillion dollar idea: a maximum wage

NO ONE: SIX OLD GUYS IN A YMCA LOCKER ROOM: *get completely naked*

Life is short and the hour of our death is a mystery, so no, I will not rate my transaction

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

“Someday I’ll show my teen a video they haven’t already seen before,” I whisper into my morning coffee.

Boss: Team, we need a new strategy Me: spinning bowties Boss: Me: what was the question again

The homies are ignoring me because of my floral bonnet :(

A male only culinary school called MenU.

This pervert wants to get 68'd😧🏆👑 Congratulations @shortsleevesuit.bsky.social from @sonictyrant.bsky.social