HAN: we should team up MEG: totally [later] MEGHAN: now what

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

don't skip leg day theyre handing out free legs

Is it real or is it cake challenge

amirite

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

waiter: would you like some capers with your pasta batman: what

WIFE: I’m leaving you ME: because of my bird puns WIFE: yes ME: what’s the beak deal WIFE: *has sex with my best friend in front of me*

I approach my bowl of spaghetti from below, employing a bubble-net feeding technique I learned from the humpbacks

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

My nickname at family reunions is "I thought you were dead”

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

Work hack - boop your boss on the nose and say “unsubscribe”

Me: read it again but this time do the voices Priest: Whole Congregation: VOICES! 👏VOICES! 👏VOICES!👏

I can't complain but that's a very recent development, moments ago I recorded a complaint so I could complain along with it in stereo

[trick or treating] ME: *leaves my kid on their front porch* TRICK

Grandma hated fancy things, so I only talk to her on this Ouija Board I drew on the back of a Denny’s menu

Just a fun reminder of how Buzz Aldrin treats conspiracy theorists

Just downloaded a baby

the h in ghost is actually a little ghost waving to you

My thinking cap is one of those visors with the mullet attached

The Girl with the Little Debbie Tattoo

ME [bagpipes]: I think I’m dying DOCTOR [slide whistle]: we all are

Everyone who’s procrastinating, don’t raise your hands. You can do it later.

i’m sorry but vampire babies are just too fucking adorable

Why are they called worker bees and not swarmtroopers

I hit a Lime scooter and my insurance went down.

A wank so enthusiastic your watch tracks it

NEIGHBOR: my child is doing math well above his grade level ME [watching my kid try to ride a potato]: mine likes veggies

16 hours in Tokyo and my asshole has never felt cleaner

DJT stands for Diarrhea Jet Trump

“keep your eyes peeled” bro WHAT

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

ME: You want to see a dead body? HAMBURGER HELPER GLOVE: sure

INVENTOR OF THE CEILING FAN: fuck giraffes

[convenient hand signals to use with your friends at a loud club] ✌️ = two more vomit bags 🤏 = pinch my left moob 🤙 = call your mom for me 🤜 = I’m leaving with a proctologist 🤌 = let’s do gabagool in the bathroom

Where am I supposed to find money like this

Of course your baby is fascinated with your car keys. You're boring and he would like to drive away.

i've lost the will for you to live

ME: another piggy back ride please GENIE: ok but then you’re out of wishes

If my wife was ever judging me on a food competition show I would simply make dinner rolls with butter

Make sure to talk to your kids about existential dread

My slutty Ron Howard costume is coming along nicely

[best read with a French accent] “I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Me and my clones are in a doppelgäng.

EVERYONE: release the Epstein files TRUMP: Stephen Miller and I will eat a husky toddler on Tik Tok this Sunday at 8pm (Eastern)

Who needs sex when you have cool ranch doritos? Therapist: *scribbling furiously*

I've never heard of anything weird

Overdoing “on the other hand” alternatives for dinner to impress my octopus date