Me: "It's time to start eating healthy." Lettuce: "I'm going to give you explosive diarrhea!" Chips and cookies in my pantry: "I would never do that to you."

America is now #1 in military spending, guns, and diarrhea

I recognize that I am powerless over the Panera cranberry walnut chicken salad sandwich, that my life has become unmanageable, that I have spent hours, perhaps days, in this drive thru, that I am unable to free myself.

oh so it's like rocket league but with people

loved ones so used to serious news I have to preface invites, “not pregnant, diagnosed or divorcing: do you want to get coffee this week?”

JOKER: Not so fast, Bat-JERK! My LAUGHBangs will leave you BLIND as a BAT! BLUESKY BATMAN: Oof. Many people suffer from reduced vision. Not funny. JOKER: It's like, it's a pun. It's just wordplay. BLUESKY BATMAN: Sorry if I'm not in the mood for "jokes" while SCOTUS shreds our constitutional rights

Roommate thinks I didn’t notice he ate my swedish meatballs, but I wasn’t björn yesterday

inside me are two wolves. one does not know how to install a television. one wants to play video games. the wolves, they are fighting.

I’m not a “bad gardener” I just have faith that the Lord will provide. These weeds are a faith statement. That wilted basil is a testament to trust.

I purchased a wacky inflatable tube man for a project and since taking receipt of the wacky inflatable tube man the wacky inflatable tube man company has accidentally shipped me a second wacky inflatable tube man. I just received a third shipping confirmation. I am concerned about this trajectory

China has developed a battery that is based on sea salt. Not lithium. It is now being used in Chinese vehicles. It’s more efficient, can hold 90% of its charge at -40c, provides a range of 500 kms, cheap to manufacture, and better for the environment. The US is being left in the dust.

bluesky has the juice. it's celery juice tho

Critics are calling my dogs creative decision to wrestle with a skunk the evening before a roadtrip “inspired” “hilarious” and “a really great way to break the ice with everyone you meet!”

I can’t with these meal kit subscriptions. there is enough turmoil in the world. I don’t need homework in the fridge. we can eat without glaze.

today’s affirmations: I have everything I need, especially salt and vinegar chips I am attractive to women and gnats I produce a healthy amount of sweat a bird would make a home with my hair

Feeling overwhelmed with all of this. LISTEN. Another Louisiana resident (Marshawn is the only name we have) testifies against the state’s racial gerrymander, speaking truth to power up and down the hearing room and predicts how this story will end. Speak your truth, fight and believe.

Computa…. assure me of my godlike power …. Computa …. Tell me I am genius important angel boy …. Computa … make me wax wings to fly so very high

today’s affirmations: I am porous and ecological. I am wearing cool shoes. I can cry profusely. I will eat a fresh scone. when a babies look at me I will smile and wave no matter what.

no matter how tough it gets we are at all times and all places one Korean bbq sandwich away from remembering life is worth living

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

One side is like “can we disenfranchise all the Black voters by this weekend” and the other is like gotta follow the rules that govern the rules that control the rulebook

Witnessing southern states rush to dismantle black voting power is truly truly some heartbreaking shit to behold

Modern technology could learn from older stuff that does what it's supposed to and doesn't bother you. My toilet just works and never sends me emails like "Good news! Flush® is now Floosh®"

husband is reading a used copy of All Quiet on the Western Front & and someone left post-its with insights like “author uses similes and metaphors to explain things” and “war and suffering is bad and changes people” and I always know when he finds a new post-it bc I can hear his anguished sighs

wandering the Sonora desert in a carefree fashion like

Pete Davidson is Zach Wood’s Wario.

Thriller movie about a guy who builds a time machine and then all he does is go back 30 years to buy a house

this is really heartwarming. two men exchanging symbolic tokens of things the other has no interest in (football, peace)

Picked this up at the library today. 2 chapters in and I LOVE it.

Look if you've got a better way to run a country than "putting an illiterate octogenarian bigot on TV every few days to free associate and complain, and then everyone tries to figure out if it means we're about to start a war or not" I'd love to hear it. But the constitution says this is it.

hey siri I was. eating a hasty hotdog and the ketchup water and the mustard water slid off the dog and onto my phone and. I think I got a little in my phone hole. hey siri can you hear me Siri say something

I am an intelligent woman turning in A level work for her second masters degree. did I get lost in a middle school last week? sure. did I accidentally order a package to a ten year old address? absolutely. have I not been able to figure out how to take these earrings out for weeks? listen.

foraging packets of chopped almonds and wonton strips out of the damp forsaken salad kit

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

I have been going to the same combative gay man to cut my hair for nearly a decade and any time I want to try something new I must first overcome a series of hostile criticisms. it’s like speed running all the comments my grandmother will make so that I know I actually want the cut.

All I have on my schedule is eating Fruit By the Foot

hey quick question does anyone know how to be truly known without being perceived? would love to experience reality authentically without any amount of discomfort so! lemme know!!

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat? Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

(end of a Zoom job interview) Interviewer: Just one more thing, we'd like to see your pants

Over 50% of American adults can't read above a 6th grade reading level, and this is an absolutely catastrophic civil rights crisis with implications for every facet of individual and collective life, including processing political statements by politicians, doctors, and so on

pretty indescribable, the experience of having a whole masters degree in writing while people make excuses to use AI. so you’re saying the work is too hard for you to do, but also not worth doing well. just clicking buttons and regurgitating garbage while craft is ignored, skillsets abandoned. wild.

Science is good. We should fund it.

A woman has been charged on allegations that she and others were being disruptive outside Easter morning services in St. Paul at Cities Church. An anti-ICE demonstration at the church in January led to numerous arrests and federal charges.

husband bought me a heavily pickled sandwich and took me to the garden center. fellas take NOTES

Fun fact, Stockholm syndrome is not real. During a 1973 attempted bank robbery, police were so aggressive & unreasonable the robbers repeatedly had to protect their hostages. After, rather than accept the (mostly female) hostage’s critique of police tactics, they invented a label to discredit them.

parents are finally letting us host Easter brunch, rate our table setup

I hope everyone’s learned their lesson about “let’s run our government like a business” bullshit Businesses can be run into the ground Not really supposed to do that with governments

DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN 🏳️‍⚧️ #art #tdov #transart