Nice guys finish last. Assholes finish first. I prematurely ejaculate when I'm alone.

*pours whiskey* *Sits down* *Unzips pants* Wife: getting ready for the big game? Me: I'm getting ready for the rapture

Don’t forget to leave cookies and milk out for the rapturer tonight.

I hope I don't get raptured mid-goon

Just because I enjoy a good dip in the baked bean vat doesn't make me a weirdo

Nice guys finish last. Assholes finish first. I prematurely ejaculate when I'm alone.

science fiction really reached its apex when they made aliens that look like genitals

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

don’t do it, it’s a booby trap! “i know, but it also might be a booby”

the terror of doing yardwork and being unable to see any dogshit, but you can 𝘴𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘭 it.

SURVEY: We value your feedback! ME: Brother, you do not want this.

I think I’m going to be mean(er) this autumn

I need an app that can tell me what I was thinking about 2 mins ago and now can’t remember

What if your areola is trying to tell you something? Do you even know braille?

Family breeds fetishes Religion breeds perversions I miss my parents

Watch people get raptured and chill?

I throw pennies at my kids when they’re sick because I wish them well

i am not going to smother my child. since i am a dad i believe it is called sfathering

When in doubt.. stroke one out. *me as a motivational speaker

As I stupid or does this not even make any sense? Proscribed means forbidden right?

Hold me closer Tony! Toni! Toné!

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

this 2026 planner is going to change my life

Anyone having a rapture watch party?

So no two snowflakes are alike. Big deal. Same is true for ball sacks. But you won’t see that in a hallmark card.

You know that one song from that movie that is just…you know? So good.

The State Farm ad guys are on the sidelines fighting.

It’s all been downhill since we lost Alex Trebek

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???

Cris [does a KC game] Me [makes a blow job mime]

Fingering my belly button just to feel something

I'm like if a really sleepy person were still sitting up fighting it

Andy: I’m not sitting by her crazy aunts at the wedding! I WANNA SIT BY SELENA GOMEZ Travis: IVE TOLD HER

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

I thoroughly enjoy watching Butker miss

My room smells of dog farts Thankfully this is the fault of the dog

Fingering my belly button just to feel something

Going forward there is no fashion. There is only hard pants and soft pants now.

I just told my dog that he’s a good boy, but now he’s hooking me up to a lie detector to make sure.

someone in Houston bring me a quizno’s sammy I’ll show you a boob the larger one

How come we didn’t get taught how to fold a fitted sheet in school

My sunday sillies say hi

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious

A band that live plays NES songs: Contraband

at my funeral there will be three caskets. yep we’re doing the shell game

"Which of these common household items terrifies you the most?" - dating a horror writer

if a chicken has boneless wings, I will not be eating that chicken. it is clearly sick.

My kids don't like the baked cheese on top of the lasagna. Y'all. Where did I go wrong?

Playing Minecraft with my son > watching my son play Minecraft > watching my son watch people play Minecraft on YouTube >>>>>>>> listening to my son tell me everything he’s doing on Minecraft from across the room

i put the ‘me’ in Parmesan cheese