I'm taking my nausea and going to bed.

I don't have a problem with Kimmel I'm just trying to get through this post rapture equinox eclipse energy and recalibrate while timelines shift it's all good though dust in the wind dude

When I say "never mind," I never mean it.

I'm a good waiter, as long as it's something I want to wait for.

why don't i have cheesecake

WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone will not prevent tooth decay. No weirdos please.

I always leave them wanting more. Mainly because I bring literally nothing to the equation.

I can focus on doing my job well and hating myself simultaneously. It’s a gift

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m not funny in the hahahaha way, but maybe a little in the odd, uncomfortable she-said-what way. *nods sagely*

[my brain, 3:12 am] - jiminy cricket - flippity jibbet - rickety steps - skibidi rizz - ribbity jizz - flickery bits [sleeps through alarm]

Why would I bet you dollars for donuts when I could just pay you dollars for donuts?

AAAAAAAAAAAH

my account is where jokes come to die

They should make the Discover feed harder to find.

Ok...who's missing?

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs": Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

You seem like the kind of person who thinks they'll figure it out eventually

Sorry for the 2,537 mid jokes about the rapture and Tylenol over the last 36 hours, but I have a crucial work project I should have been working on instead that's due soon.

One of the beautiful things about social media is that sometimes when you scream into the void, after a pause, a voice or two may answer back “fuck, me too” and you feel a little less alone in the world

Sorry, can't. Spending quality time with my anxiety.

I spend 90% of my time thinking about what time I get to go to bed.

go ahead and stay up all night partying you can just call out of work raptured tomorrow

Comfort music youtu.be/Z0GFRcFm-aY?...

I made this. I'm eating it...all week.

Wallop. Happy equinox everyone.

*shakes phone* y’all up?

Mars, the planet of war and aggression will go toe to toe with Pluto, the planet of hades on Wednesday. I'm here for it, and have stocked snacks accordingly.

Did God get this rapture on Temu?

What if our clothing was alive

I'm gonna randomly leave complete outfits laying around in parking lots, the streets and stores on Tuesday.

They should make a society that is good

please like my posts it's the only thing keeping me off the streets

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

i only use punctuation when i am blind with rage

Reminder: You will respect yourself. You will see the good in yourself. You will have the courage to be yourself. I'm proud of you

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. That way, I can get up bright and early to start hating on everything first thing in the morning

Knowing you'll make it through doesn't make it any easier

The sky put this on the hood of my car.

To whomever/whoever/whatever needs to hear it: Calm down!

Warning: These do not taste like cotton candy... just strawberry.

If I could be anywhere in the world it most certainly wouldn’t be where I am.

Snacks at my place after the rapture.

Fuck the void Over crowded and too commercial I’m going to the library

No, it's okay, I didn't need to finish saying what I was saying.

I bet Little Debbie was The Pillsbury Dough Boy's "Nutty Buddy" at one time or another.

Cloud at sunrise but she will pop over the top

Sept. 21, 1925: Troubled model and movie actress Julia Bruns is arrested in New York after admitting she stole $4,000 in jewelry from a tenant to feed a drug habit. The 30-year-old is allowed to take her dogs, Babe and Von Hindenburg, to the jail cell with her.

In case you didn't know... youtu.be/Gs069dndIYk?...