Seems like there are better places to keep proof than in pudding.

All you funny people who are also hot need TO PICK A GODDAMN LANE!

Currently counting the chickens in my fridge-door

Only the true king of England can unclog my toilet.

Thinking of all the moms who are going to pretend they aren’t hungry in a week when SNAP runs out. I remember.

what if instead of everything being terrible, we try everything being good?

the key to never getting phished is ignoring even the real emails

We assume a ghost is evil when it knocks things off shelves, but maybe it’s just really clumsy

"Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real."

Fetch my lungs from the cooler, Kevin.

curious as to how many R’s George R.R. Martin is still hiding

you should be able to steal a home run if you want to. just drop the bat and try to book it for the fence before anyone can tag you. if you can make it all the way out there and throw yourself over the fence, you're good

THE INVENTOR OF VALET PARKING: what if I said that you could have your car stolen temporarily and you would have to pay someone to return it back to you

🚨NIGHTSANDWICH ALERT🚨

when someone repeats the consonants in words to draw them out instead of the vowels are you s'posed to read it as the sound of that letter droning like a door slowly creaking open or like they're going c-c-c-c-c-combo breaker

the problem with “living in the moment” is that everything sucks at the moment

Hey kiddo, can't sleep? I know you're scared by these uncertain times. For $7 a month, gain access to unlimited Dad. Tuck-ins, reassurance, daily Dad games.

i got winded sleeping

Knock knock beeyotch

Furtively grabbing something off a party tray and retreating to my corner to gnaw on it.

I'm being punished for my sins

I only slept for four hours last night and I feel like shit, surely this large coffee and party sized bag of potato chips will fix me

(bee career day) this is my mom she works at the hexagon factory

oh no oh fuck i was trying to REQUEST a hundred and thirty million dollars from the pentagon

a life long conceptual art piece where you don't make any

Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything

Trying not to be crazy is exhausting.

it's kinda sad that over time they put more energy into making things look real instead of cool

giant anteater

More than once in this life I’ve found myself wondering how big is the world’s largest googly-eye.

[universe in which the football was never invented] POTUS: Get me the nuclear handbag.

/in "the voice" from Dune "Alf is back, in pog form"

You ever look in the dryer and open the lint trap and think, "oh ho, new kind of lint today"

i am fucking furious

Go into your boss's office and say "you're taking this well"

I always enjoy posting "Dems can do better" and getting "No we can't! You take that back!" comments.

The guy who invented acupuncture just liked to stab people.

𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘧 help? If I could do that I wouldn’t need all of you.

I am running low on groceries and will to live

Lunch sketch.

It's true. Because ai is, inherently, NOT creation. it is a prediction machine that averages everything you feed into it, which means all you can get is a smoothed-out approximation of the brown sludge that already exists.

If you ever have to wash a sink full of dirty dishes, it's fun to narrate it like you're rescuing trapped miners or earthquake survivors or something WE CAN SOMETHING COMING OUT NOW...WE'RE SEEING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A FORK...YES IT'S A FORK, WE HAVE A FORK...AND THE CROWD ERUPTING IN CHEERS NOW...

Flappy Bird was the last time everyone enjoyed the same thing

Cocaine was invented in 2001 by an Irish scientist named John Cocaine Sullivan, who discovered it while attempting to make a new kind of laundry detergent He tried to get rid of the first accidental batch by dumping it in a hippo enclosure at the Dublin Zoo, whereby he discovered its properties

You never hear about anyone being feckful, only when they're out of fecks. Imagine being gruntled by seeing people lack feckfulness.

not many know this, but MIT actually stands for "Men Injecting Testosterone." another win for the trans agenda

You never let me do anything, your honor