Schrödinger’s employment status. Both wanting to be fired from, and fearful of losing, my job.

That’s bait

Shrimp deals are my territory, Jack!

Any time I send an angry text, I like to tack on “congratulations” so it’ll add confetti

the snort we just snert

the great thing about search engines now is if you look for something and can't find it immediately, no amount of search refinement or tweaking will possibly help. you've been shown what they deem you worthy of seeing, get absolutely fucked beyond that, lol

really quite unprofessional of my colleagues to schedule meetings during world cup games. inconsiderate, too.

If body fat is 3500 calories per pound and you burn 50 calories per hour sleeping, I just need to sleep for 700 hours.

And then kill you www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-n...

We will be relaunching our wildly popular “Feed A Giraffe” program! We will be discontinuing our wildly unpopular “Clean Up After A Giraffe” program.

Good news: The amulet I’ve sought is within my grasp. Bad news: its power is waning :/

Sometimes I get really upset with myself because I haven't even maximized shareholder value in weeks.

If you hate being in group chats with people the quickest and easiest way to get people to stop adding you is to always sign your full name at the end of every text you send. Sincerely, Charlie Bukowski

I'll never be a "haha sportsball" guy because even though I don't like watching sports I absolutely love sport and what it does for people

Tried almost everything? May as well try snacks.

upsetting to see pro-AI propaganda targeting kids

please stop telling my horrible son to touch grass. we try to keep him indoors as much as possible

This changed my life

Fist of the Dog Medicine

Just remember if you ever doubt the power of hard work or dedication, a guy on TikTok sprayed dog medicine daily on his hands for over two years because it toughened his skin and now there is video of him punching through a cinderblock wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt

Cooking up a new bit where I complain whenever i have to watch a movie character eat a sandwich. I don't need to see your nasty dinner. It's got nothing to do with the plot.

No one ever DMs me. Is it because I ignore them?

My students are always learning my six sacred techniques then trying to use them against me in battle. Obviously I'm going to use the secret seventh technique to defeat them. Every day with this.

The word newfangled (or one very similar) was used in the Canterbury tales. Newfangled is oldfangled

That’s a follow.

Every office has one employee who thinks they’re respected because no one has the energy to correct them.

*took two Benadryl 30 mins ago* think I might be the best at operating heavy machinery

forgive me officer but how exactly is being naked on a riding lawnmower illegal if I’m sitting on my penis

Feeling juvenated. Never felt like this before.

I think during every sex scene in a movie the people involved should be throwing around pizza dough and yelling mama mia! So the people who don't like sex scenes can still enjoy them too

This is me when I realize I have a four year old package of skittles in the back of a pantry shelf

I don't like when the keys aren't jangling.

DIrector, during a Q&A: "Mommy didn't really disappear. She was just behind her hands." Then why couldn't they have SHOWN that instead of TELLING 😡

scenes without mommy’s face in them are unnecessary in movies. it does nothing to advance the story of where did mommy go

charging my tampons in the full moon

Often people who wouldn’t hurt a fly are the most dangerous of all. They’re getting heaps of brownie points within the fly community then BAM hitting you with ‘huge swarm of flies’ special attack

Everyone I know is biding their time in a membranous pod right now

I don't really watch or know this sport but my feed seems pretty excited about tonight so I hope everyone is having a ball, or should I say a fut bol ;) ;) heh that one is just for you, sport famns

lil dude is so real for this one

You missed the whole point of the film. It’s a story about a man named Ernest. Who goes to camp

Ladies and gentlemen, the American Dream!

How much effort are we putting into work tomorrow

love it when the phone makes a notification sound but the notifications are blank

(to the tune of "Fly Like an Eagle" by The Steve Miller Band) Fly like an eagle, by the Steve Miller Band

There’s no time like the not now

This day in history. 2006. National Statistics Day in India. Did you know that that India has the highest percentage of people under twenty who plan to make a career in the field of statistics at .000001 percent?