going through a season where it is so loud inside my head that i cannot even hear myself scream

you know how no one says "I can't come to the phone right now" anymore they took that from you

as we near the end of Feb, i am reminding my dogs that they will need to update their Q1 commitments and address any shortfalls to their initial forecast

if they let me do the criterion closet, I would just start eating the discs

Back at it again in the mines

they should invent a cat that's immortal

The h in whoa goes wherever you want it: woah or woha or hwoa — they're all good. It's just a very accepting word

NO COMMERCIAL BANK WANTS TO DO CONSUMER BANKING ANYMORE GIVE IT TO THE POST OFFICE THEY USED TO PROVIDE BASIC BANKING SERVICES TIL LIKE THE 60s

also the USPS should do web-hosting and email services

Look this may be an unpopular opinion but if you cannot provide safe parking for your employees, maybe you shouldn’t have them come into work

just spitballing but some of it might have something to do with 15 years of sociopathic behavior culminating in the enthusiastic embrace of violent fascism

a fresh loaf of bread is sort of a tragic thing because even as you’re eating that first magnificent slice you know the bread is already getting worse. beauty never lasts. happiness is evanescent

First protein cigarette will go hard

signing a Creedence Clearwater DNR

Using my potent sensuality for good. At first. Then for evil

I don’t know why everyone at the dentist’s office thought I was gonna have the most fantastic day after leaving there. First, the chipper hygienist asked me what my other plans were for the day. Then, the dentist cheerily asked me what my other plans were. My plans were this. This day is wrecked.

I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style

oui âllo, I am ‘ow you say “seek of thees shit”?

the day they invent a way to stop shitting is the day i stop getting out of bed

accidentally dropped an Adderall down one of my vents and now it’s working on double time until it inevitably crashes

when life feels too predictable i like to play a lil game called What Happens If I Dont Take My Meds

btw for trans women to offer this kind of practical warning and sympathy is a serious mitzvah and we cis women really owe it to them (and to ourselves!) to step up our solidarity in kind

(wizard open mic) don’t ya hate it when your homunculus becomes ensouled? (audience murmuring derisively) sooo much paperwork (cough. couple hisses. squinting past the stage lights) ah i see we have a few clay friends in the audience tonight, that’s awesome

so instead of watching the SotU, a bunch of us spent last night doing silly presentations and raising fifteen thousand dollars (!!!) for a variety of good causes if you'd like to see me rant about star wars in person, I'm at about the 2:15 mark in the video, but the whole thing is phenomenal

Poem in the Shape of the Poet Beating Henry Kissinger to Death with Their Bare Hands by Felix

it's actually illegal to be hot outside and raining at the same time, I'm writing you a ticket for this but off the record fuck you

Being a wedding officiant is so exhausting like i constantly have to remind the couple that this is MY day

Tell me more about these herbs you're using bro. Their origin. Their story

there's a new trend among young people called "microliving" they close their eyes for a few seconds and experience a rich and fulfilling life from start to finish in their minds. birth. friendship. love. heartbreak. joy. loss. grief. death. but how does this affect their productivity at work

Going to once again say that Josh Barro blocked me years ago because I kept replying to everything he said with a picture of the brain Gremlin from Gremlins 2

went to the store __________ AI Summary ✨ Grammy-nominated R&B singer Jon B. posted that he is going to the stove – perhaps to "cook up" another hot, hot radio single. Frogs and toads, which are the same, can live on the Sun and often choose to.

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

BREAKING: several members of the administration are being asked to resign due to not appearing in the epstein files

why do nerds suddenly appear every time I post here

who up burning the shit out of their hand on a metal pan handle straight from a hot oven, after warning themselves "ok that pan is burning hot, be careful' 🙃

i have to admit with all the goings on nowadays it is very hard for me to maintain my joie de vivre

[raising a cautious hand] before you judge me please recall that i am a large idiot

i gave up sick beats for lent

CONFESSION: i have never been able to look through binoculars correctly, i have faked it every time

thought you probably needed to see this

"they won't actually ban birth control" "they won't actually murder trans people" "they won't actually end abortion" "they won't actually try to overthrow the government" I am so sick of people treating these folks as rational actors with rules from the previous century expecting norms to save them

They beat a blind refugee who speaks no English for failing to obey police commands he could not understand. Then instead of apologizing, they charged him with possession of a “weapon”—HIS WALKING STICK. Then they dumped him miles from home without notifying anyone, after which he was found dead.

I don't think you guys should be bringing up real world events when it comes to Godzilla, it's disrespectful. It's a movie about a big lizard and nothing more.

original sin 2: new sin

I rate movies and tv shows according to how many horse ears I get to see

(fiddler trying to get noticed) look everyone, i’m on the roof

figured out how to make some of you calm down. go to ebay and search for “translucent electronics”