Float like a butterfly, stings when I pee.

Spatula is a beautiful name for a baby girl

Watching "Love, actually"

i’ve have been at work for 43 minutes and all i’ve managed to do so far is eat a blueberry muffin and drink half a diet coke

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

They put a bitter coating on CR2032 batteries to protect kids but if you mix it with advil it's not bad

All I want for Christmas is a large heavy piece of wood that will convert my ottoman from footstool to charcuterie board when the need arises, as it so often does

Today's tshirt

Can't scream for I have no mouth but also how am I gonna eat these nachos

My New Year's resolution is to become a brontosaurus

ME: so if you don’t have my card you say “go fish” and then i’ll pick a card from the deck HUNGRY MAN: exactly how does this help me eat

‘i wish i had more time to do hobbies,’ he thinks to himself as he posts 186 variations of the same fart joke over the span of 30 hours.

8yo just asked me if "ASS" stands for "Ass Shit Shit"

assorted animal faces on a glowing incorporeal form appeareing in a boom of ethereal wings hovering above undulating burning wheels, coated with eyes: BE NOT AFRAID present day human, half asleep on the couch: *tilts beer, up-nods weakly* radiant figure: you can be a little afraid

If somebody asks you what's updog, the correct answer is dug (the dog from up)

This is how a lot of people treat social media

herniated disc jockey is this something

all animals are support animals, your honor

Seconding that. That superintendent can lose their job over this right away, please.

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

man’s like “fuck that, i’m taking y’all down with me” & tbh, let’s fuckin go

Even BILL CLINTON is saying he doesn’t care if the full release of the files implicates Bill Clinton. Amazing.

Winter Song Part 2 (Thread 1/5) Part 1 is here : bsky.app/profile/seco...

Those new to Bsky need to be made aware of one of the greatest skeets ever, deleted long before its time.

can we trade

my brain is running on Windows 95 and someone just clicked solitaire

Very wise.

the average person eats 8 southwestern egg rolls in their sleep per day

It's funny how if *you* tried selling your own stuff to yourself to get rich, people would laugh their asses off at you for being so foolish. But when a billionaire does the exact same thing, somehow he actually does get richer.

i’m a big believer of the moral of rudolf the red nosed reindeer: you deserve to be ridiculed and ostracized by society unless you have an exploitable characteristic.

every year I hope a small woodland creature pops out of our christmas tree and becomes my best friend that teaches me about myself and the world.

How much do I love you? Your gift was on the fourth page of Last Minute Gifts for Her. The first three would not do.

a savory version of whipped cream

Prescriptions expiring is a protection racket.

In the X-Men universe there is definitely a guy whose superpower is being able to inflict drug side effects on people. His enemies are like "oh, you're gonna give me serotonin syndrome yada yada" and then he's like check this shit out

oh my god we did it

The Match Girl - artist: thestuffedalligator.tumblr.com/post/6367759...

What *are* those flaps on Kermit's neck? Are they his skin? Some other frog's skin he wears?

They didn't need AI to make the 1995 hit film and Sinbad vehicle Houseguest so I really can't see the point of it

You know if you are some kind of terrifying bird man creature that is going to carry me off and feed me to your offspring you have to tell me or it's entrapment

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

Little House on the Prairie video game chop wood with Charles, slap Nellie with Laura, get fucked up with Mr. Edwards

the electronic form for the doctors office asked me to choose colors to describe my mucus and the color of my mucus was not on the list i think i’m about to be famous

I knew a guy who would buy knit winter caps and cut the poms off

Real coal miners need those poms. Those are tactical poms.

I made this for you

All I asked Santa for this year was to get hit by a speeding garbage truck.

One thing I learned this year is that I’m exceptional at absolutely ruining my life.

i think microwave cooking is a really good metaphor for using genAI, except that a microwave never tried to convince me to kill myself

Either this coffee is terrible or it’s “good” and that’s why I hate it